Bowling Anyone??

Had SO much fun this weekend with about 20 people at this new bowling alley downtown!! It is pretty posh for an alley...Lounge seating, 9 million television sets and screens for scores etc, great food and beautiful bars. If you guys are ever in C town you should go...JQ, you should take your son sometime...when we arrived early (5:45 )there were a handful of kids...by 8 the place was JAMMED with the night crowd!! Afterwards we went to a condo party around the block. $400,000 for a 1500 sq ft condo at 30 yrs old!!...damn I feel so behind. Not that I want a CONDO that costs that IN CLEVELAND, but still...

What did you guys do????

My talk with a brick wall

Thanks for your continued support and comments guys. I am stronger day by day, but everyday I am still sad. I guess I will know I made it when that is no longer the case.

I told DDG about AK and just a lot of back history from my life. It was VERY difficult for me to tell him any of it let alone all of it. When I stopped talking almost an hour later, he wasn't saying anything. I told him that was making me uncomfortable and he said "I guess I am trying to figure out why you told me all this."
Shot to the heart...and stomach.
I said "My how THICK you are BRICKFREAKINGWALL." (in my head only)
I clammed up instantly and wanted to ask for a take back.
After some awkward quiet time, I said "well, I just was the most vulnerable and honest I could be because I think everything I just told you affects the way we interact...especially the way I keep you at bay. I think it is important that you know who I am."
I could tell he still did not get it and I was INSTANTLY turned off...BIG TIME turned off.
I was super quiet and he started stumbling and getting frustrated because he had no idea why I was so quiet. He did not comment on even one single thing I said. Not one. I was not mad, but I couldn't help but think "SEE, THIS is why I love and miss AK...HE GETS ME and he would GET why the hell I told him all this."
LOST was starting and we had planned to watch it. He did not want to put it on, but we were just staring at each other and I was getting more and more turned off, so I put it on after much debate. On commercials he kept trying to understand why I was so quiet. Finally I said, " because I just opened up to you and you pretty much just said "why the hell did you tell me that??" and you are not saying anything about anything, so I wish I had not told you. He stumbled around with words saying that is not what he meant, but when I asked what he DID mean, he pretty much just plugged in words that said the SAME thing.
Somewhere along the line he asked me if I wanted to keep seeing him...I told him that pre-talk the answer was a super strong yes (hence the reason to divulge such intimate details EINSTEIN) but that post-talk, I was not really sure about anything. What I wanted to YELL was OMG NO...I WANT AK BACK.
I expected him to say take a hike or OMG that is a nightmare, or now I get it etc.
but to not respond...I WAS NOT prepared for that.
He did ask me if I thought that it helped to tell him and I told him the truth, that NO I did not.
I had my appointment with my head shrink yesterday so I told her about it and she explained that I was talking to a guy and that they hear things differently than girls and that he clearly likes me and to cut him some slack. She said he might suck at communicating, but the important thing is that he SHOWS UP and TRYS.
I told her how I want to run back to AK and after we talked about that, she made me think about the fact that AK and I can finish each others thoughts because we have over 8 yrs of time spent together and after 6 months of seeing DDG every few weeks, he is not at that level yet.

I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. At one point I even said out loud..."You are SUCH a smart guy and bright and witty...HOW are you not capable of understanding WHY I would share this with you."
He said "Ugh, I am getting it more and more, but sometimes I am not the best at communicating."
UGH. JUST GREAT...bad communicator... and now I feel bad that I made him feel bad.

I hate dating. I hate AK's stupid actions and I hate that he messed up something so freaking awesome!! I hate that I feel turned off just because someone is not...AK.

Blame it on bad luck.

No need to watch, but listen...

Pound my knuckles hard against the floor.
My head against the wall.
But I did this to myself.
Assume it's just not worth getting back up, so I'll blame it on bad luck.
And I'll shake responsibility.
I spent some time in a bad place at 28, wishing I could see something through clear eyes.
Do you ever wake up to realize that your life is meaningless?
Does it give you strength or lead you to your grave at a young age?
Pound my knuckles hard against the floor.
My head against the wall. But I did this to myself.
Assume it's just not worth getting back up, so I'll blame it on bad luck.
And I'll shake responsibility.
It seems that when I ran away from my past all my dignity, my faith, my pride got left back. And now I think it's time I realize self pity's meaningless.
Though I'm 10 feet deep, I'll claw my way back out from in my grave.
Pound my knuckles hard against the floor.
My head against the wall.But I did this to myself.
Assume it's just not worth getting back up, So I'll blame it on bad luck.
And I'll shake responsibility~And say a hard life did this to me.
Now I realize, I'd give anything I have to walk a day in my old shoes.
Wondering what my first smoke would be like, first fuck, or next fuck up.
Or the next man that would change my life and it changed my life and it changed my life.
Pound my knuckles hard against the floor.
My head against the wall.
But I did this to myself.
Assume it's just not worth getting back up,So I'll blame it on bad luck.
And I'll shake responsibility.
And say a hard life did this to me.

So that is that.

I did not tell AK I was coming home early. I wanted to surprise him. Not sure what I thought I would find...maybe porn at a minimum. He called while we were on that harrowing drive. I answered and just said "In bad weather, call you later" and hung up. Well Mr. Man figured it out. I show up and was AMAZED that I did not feel like rushing into his arms. I really felt like saying hello was more than enough. I did not feel this overwhelming NEED to get back to him once we hit Ohio. All of that was gone. I told him what happened and we went to bed. He had his arm draped over me and I remember wishing it wasn't. SO weird as I crave affection from him.

The next day he came over straight away and told me that he had a great first meeting with his new specialist. He told me all about the plan of action and information from this guy. I could see the relief and hope in his face. I wanted to cheer for him. When he was done I told him that...that I was so excited for HIM. Before I wanted it for US. I told him that all those times he would waver and say "I know I love you, I am not sure I am in love with you because of the weight gain" that I had NO CLUE what he really meant. I thought he was just being an asshole. I told him that for the first time in over 8 years, I think he is gorgeous but I am not attracted to him...that I think that I love him, but am not in love with him. I told him how ugly it felt to say and feel that way. He hung his head and he said that he understood that this was a product of what he has done to me and to our relationship. His eyes turned red, but no tears fell. He explained that the specialist acknowledged that he and I cannot be together until I heal and until he gets some SERIOUS help. I explained that I don't have the time, energy or desire to wait anymore. Maybe one day if I have not moved on and vice versa things will come back around, but I believe now that we are done forever. It hurts and is a relief all at once.

I found one slip up on the computer. Those "slip ups" are like mice...where there is one there are hundreds, even if you cannot see them. I called him to let him know that I knew. I did not yell, I did not say terrible things, I did not even feel like doing so. In my mad rush to get out of town, I forgot to install porn protection so he would not be able to access it, so of course he was doing that!!! He was scared that I was so calm and called me twice after we hung up. I think he finds comfort in being yelled at over this. SAD. Not making a huge deal of it made him uncomfortable...and I took pleasure in that. At least I was acting like a civilized human being and I was still able to say I know what I know and thanks for continuing to disrespect me by simply telling him that I found it.
The computer has been acting strangely for a long time and is getting worse. It is only one year old. I calmly asked him when this started to get worse and what happened, and when he started to make excuses I grabbed his hand and said "No. You and I both know that the amount of porn you have accessed and downloaded to this thing has trashed it, and that is simply not fair to me. You are not my boyfriend, yet I continue to pay for you. Not. Fair."
He looked at me and for the first time in a long time I could tell he was with me...ever since I told him I was no longer in love with him. I think he found relief in that moment as well. Like he did not have to measure up...that when he screwed up it would only affect him. He apologized and told me that he would like to purchase a new computer for me. I almost fell over. This is the third computer he has ruined. I think he realized that this time!! It was a relief to me that he was taking ownership of what he had done. He also told me that he promised the specialist that he would never be alone with a computer and that he would only use one in plain view. I agreed that when he comes over to use the computer I will stay in the room and read or work. I was proud of him for asking for help.
I am talking to DDG tonight. I am telling him about AK. He can stay or go. I don't care. I don't think I will ever care the way I did about AK. Stay or leave...I am taking care of ME.
So that is that.

The long road (and post) home.

Once we packed up the box truck and got on the road it was about 5 or so. We drove for an hour or two and then stopped for dinner. My brother was already tired from the day so he wanted to stop for the night at that time. I thought that was silly, so I insisted we press on. He hopped back in the truck and Amy and I headed back to the Acura. About 35 minutes into the drive going about 80 mph the entire time, she realizes that she has forgotten her purse back at the restaurant. Our cell phones would not work in the mountains, so we had to use our emergency light signal to get Shawn to stop...there was nowhere to pull over, so we pulled up along side him to let him know. He is a very respectful nice guy overall, but when she told him what happened, he just glared at her and rolled up the window. I then had to do damage control the entire ride back because she was so upset. I just kept thinking thank god we were not at the place we had chosen to stop for the night...4 hours out...then I would kill her!!

By the time we hit our hotel that night we were all exhausted and Shawn was sick and grumpy.
We all only slept for 3 hours!!

The next day I saw antelope and buffalo and turkeys running wild. That was amazing!!
The ride was easy and enjoyable. Amy shared her life story with me. She told me all about her ex husband...that was a SEX ADDICT that she was with for 8 YEARS!!! Finally. Someone that knew what the hell I was going through without really thinking in the back of their minds that he was just a cheating jerk and that I should have seen the signs earlier. I felt like I was listening to myself talk. All the deceit, all the words offered up by him...all of the feelings...I KNEW EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

He had this weird thing that AK does not though...he used socks to you know what. Then he was so messed up that he would stuff them everywhere...like in the COUCH or under the bed etc. She figured it out when she would clean and find socks stuck together and stuck in weird places. Then when the CAT started dragging them around because she wanted to play with them and Amy stepped in a wet one, she hit the roof and went ballistic on him...he laughed and said that the socks liked it. OMG. Thank god for small favors...at least that is one thing I did not go through...well AK can thank god. I would have strangled him with them. I am sure once a wet one was shoved in his mouth he would be cured of that little problem though.

Anyways, as we talked for two days about her ex and as I confided in her about AK, I started to FEEL different. Like acknowledging the TRUTH to someone else was like releasing all the shame and hurt that I felt daily. I looked at her and thought "my god you are BEAUTIFUL and TINY and talented...yet he still did all those things!!" For so long I have blamed myself, like my weight gain was the reason, but looking at her I realized that I could be miss America and that AK would still do those things...that they are just not WORDS...he is INCAPABLE of being the way we both want him to be. I felt like I was not alone in this experience for the first time. I also took comfort that all the doubt and trying and anger that I feel she felt as well. I felt relief that she made it out of that relationship and that she is happy with my brother, who loves her madly and would never hurt her, when not so long ago she thought the world ended with the loss of her EX!!! We laughed and talked and cried at our stories, and the strangest thing happened...I let go of the emotions behind it and started grasping the reality and facts of where we are and what that means. I felt calm. I felt sad, but okay...like I understand that we are NOT going to be together, and that I will be okay someday. I decided I would tell AK when I returned.

Then we hit Chicago and all hell broke loose!! Our picture perfect ride went from bliss to B.S in a matter of SECONDS. We hit a WALL...a real full blown WHITEOUT. People were WRECKING ALL OVER THE PLACE. I know this sounds like I am exaggerating, but I AM NOT. Two cars to the left, three cars to the right, cars in the ditch...then when we had to suddenly stop with traffic, WE almost caused a pileup. Yep. I was on ice, an incline and a bridge all at the same time, so when we tried to start moving again the Acura laughed in my face. I stayed calm, but could see car lights starting to come up behind us and that they could not see us in the whiteout, so several HAD TO go into the grassy snow covered median or hit us. Thank god they chose the snow. FINALLY after what FELT like forever, the car got some traction and moved slowly forward!!

Then there was a 17 car pileup!! Rigs were crushed and toppled...it was the scariest thing I have ever witnessed. I was SO afraid after seeing all those small wrecks and NOW THIS. We got off at the next exit only for the woman running the booth to explain that they were shutting down the highway so if we wanted to press on we HAD to do so now. She felt that it might be a couple of days until it reopened with the forecast and the amount of wrecks!! I cannot remember WHY IN THE HELL I wanted to go on, but I did. I think I just wanted to get home and away from Shawn and I was thinking that this weather was a burst and we would get through it. No. Of course not. My body hurt SO BAD from gripping the wheel so tightly and for tensing up until we got home...10 hours later.

At one point while in the fast lane, Shawn slowed down rapidly and again we were on ice (which was freaking EVERYWHERE) so we fishtailed and I all I said was "WE ARE GOING TO WRECK" to try to prepare Amy because with NO exaggeration it is a miracle of GOD that the semi next to us did not slam into our back end as he passed in the next lane. Once I understood that we were not dead and I could breathe again, my calmness was gone and I SCREAMED at the top of my lungs at the windshield and Shawn "I HATE YOU, YOU MF'er!!!" See Shawn was oblivious to the fact that his damn truck was covering our windows with sludge every moment possible and that his stopping without warning was ready to KILL US on a regular basis and that I could not see around or over him to try to prepare. The overprotective big brother that he is, he wanted to stay as close as possible even though we told him not to!! After that I was done emotionally. I fought back tears SEVERAL Times. I MADE Amy talk to me without taking a breath to help me stay calm. Shawn was on his damn crackberry that kept automatically going to VM when we called, so when we RAN OUT of windshield washer fluid and I could not see except for a 1/2 inch triangle at the bottom of the window that man had no damn clue...while his truck kept piling it on!! THEN AMY lost it. SHE WAS TERRIFIED because she could not see and PISSED that he was not accessible. We turned on our blinker and got off at the next rest stop...he noticed at the last second and got off with us. Miss meek growled get off that conference call NOW when he got out of the truck. I would have laughed had I not been so shaken up!! I went inside to try to get my head back in the game away from the car.

We hit black ice and fishtailed MANY MANY more times,especially under each bridge and I started anticipating it under them and my eyes would well up knowing it was coming!! I insisted on staying in the slow lane and going only 40mph the entire rest of the trip home. Once we reached Ohio we were welcomed by a double loaded fed ex truck jack knifed in the median and I almost threw up!! Poor Amy...I kept thinking about me screaming like a psycho at the window and I can only imagine what she was thinking about joining our family!!
I will never take a road trip ever again unless the weather is good. No joke I think I had post traumatic stress disorder for two days following. I did not want to drive or be in a car and just seeing and WALKING in the snow and ice made me feel ill!!

I am better now and home safe!! I have learned my lesson...make shawn move on his own next time...ha just kidding!!

**Funny side note. I called DDG when we stopped and was telling him how scared I was etc.
When I returned home I found out that while I was on the highway, he crashed his car here in Ohio. Kind of ironic huh??? He is okay btw!!

Little Golden Pills

So, as I mentioned before I left, I had only taken one trip that required air travel in the past. I did not enjoy the experience and was not at all looking forward to trying it again...especially alone. AK was too sweet...he helped me check in and took me to the security point and was way helpful. Sometimes he is great. I asked my doctor (the one AK took to a party a few years back while I was waiting at home all night) to give me some drugs for the trip. Now, I have never taken anything like that. I barely ever take anything other than by birth control and sometimes a migraine pill. THOSE THINGS ARE GOLD. I was so relaxed and although I did not love it, I made it through the experience by myself and without crying (which I did the first time...ha.)

Funny story even: So, on my connecting flight in Denver, I popped another pill during my 2hr wait as instructed. When I was firmly buckled in my seat on the plane I decided to "rest my eyes" until we started the take off process, which I despise. I was so annoyed and sat up because I could hear people talking and walking around and I wanted to get that damn ride over, so I was thinking "I wish you people would just sit down and shut up so we could take off already!!!" When I opened my eyes I realized it was the flight attendants offering drinks to everyone and that we were about a 1/2 hr from our destination!! :) I missed the entire take off and most of the ride. THOSE THINGS ARE GOLD. I totally get it why people become addicts now!!!

Next up: The long ride home!!!

Don't call it a comeback...I've been here for years!!

HI GUYS!! I am back. Lots to tell.
Sundance rocks. Everyone should check out Park City during Sundance at least once. It was so great. The wealth was sickening. LOVEIT. Me being the real estate lover that I am, I found great interest in the market out there. Most everything was 1 mill or UP!! 28 mill for one home I looked at. In my dreams people!!
There were horses that I hung out with a tad in the BACK YARD...oh yeah, and you could see mountains out every window and they were so close you could be there within five minutes!!
I spent a lot of time with my brother and his new fiancee. YEP. She asked HIM. I really like her a great deal. Third time is a charm I guess. I hated his first two choices that failed miserably!!
Anyways, I got to know her as she was my co-driver on the trip home!! I was the only one that could drive though (stick shift...she won't even try)...and let me tell you THAT was a story in and of itself. I will make that a different post as it will take a lot of space!!
This trip was SOOOOO what I needed. Really. I needed to PHYSICALLY get space from AK. I needed to SEE that there was more to life across the board...not just tell myself that. I saw where I WANT to be...and where I am keeping myself. I feel rejuvenated!! YES!!!!!!!!
I missed DDG and cannot wait to see him. I fell out of love with AK. I am ready to study for my real estate exams. I am ready to get in the best physical shape of my life. YES!!!!!!!!!!

DDG and I talked quite a bit while I was gone and I found myself liking him quite a bit. I had LONG conversations with Amy (my brother's fiancee) and I FEEL like I love AK a lot, but I am not IN LOVE with him right now. I am not sure if that will ever come back, but part of me feels relief. The spell has been broken. I do not ACHE for him the way I used to. I feel like I have let go a lot more. I know I have more work to do, but I told him last night. He was sad. He knows this is big because through thick and thin I have never "fallen out of love" with him. I never even knew what that really meant. It feels ugly. I shared this with him because he started going to a specialist yesterday...for sex addiction. He shared what the guy said to him and the plan of action. I am SOOOO Happy for HIM. Before I wanted it for US, and I told him that. I told him that I MAY BE able to try again with him someday, but that it would need to be from square one and when we were both healed and healthy. I know I have THOUGHT that I had reached this point before, but now I FEEL it. I did not get that there was a difference until now. No clapping people, I still have a ways to go before the saga of AK and Mack can be put to rest!!
For now it is on permanent hiatus though, and I FEEL GOOD!!!!!!!!!!It is a tragedy though. We do really love each other more than any other human being...
Part of this is because I realized that I will turn 32 in April. That hit me hard. He cheated on me just before my birthday last year. ONE FULL YEAR OF WASTE...and I don't want another. I told him I feel that I am DISGUSTED and DISSAPPOINTED in both of us for WASTING our lives like this. He agreed. My year of accomplishment just got the energy that it needed.
This thing is getting really long, so I will continue later.

Glad to be back...can't wait to read up on what is happening with all of you.
Sol, I am SOOOO behind with you...HELLO hot guy though. Get a little play, you deserve it.
Kate, You are quite the sexpot my friend...my face was red reading last night. I am happy for you!!!
MT, So sorry dude. Just like you hate AK...I hate that Bitch. Sorry but I do...for hurting you and the way she went about it, not for being herself!! Now go out and get youself a little play yourself...they are lining up I hear!!!

That is all I could get to last night, but I am dying to hear the scoop on everyone else also.
Give me the gossip. :)

Outta here!!

I will be back on Feb. 1...be good until then!! I want to come back to happy stories. Divorces final, custody granted, new loves still going strong, marriages being turned around, and maybe a new love interest for a couple of ya!! I plan on coming back with a new fresh outlook on life. This is just what I need people...a little time away!! Keep me in your thoughts though...I will be driving back from Park City and the weather may be less than perfect!!
:) Mack

I'm Trippin'

I have not had a vacation EVER. That is weird huh. True though. I used to go to Key West to bartend through spring break season for years...that was the closest I got to a holiday away. I would work at night, but all day I could lay out or swim or shop or WHATEVER I wanted. I NEED to get away. My brother is moving back from Utah and he has asked me to come out to Park City for a week to have some fun. Then I could help him drive the Acura back and he can drive the box truck. His girlfriend cannot drive stick shift, and I can, so that helps him. We are very close and it will be nice to make some memories with him and to just spend time that does not entail work!! He needs to be back here by the end of the month, so this will most likely happen pretty quickly!!! I will let you know when I leave.
SO excited to learn to snowboard!!!! I love long road trips as well. I love being alone in the car with the music, my mind and the road ahead!!!! This is gonna be great.

Three's...RIGHT????

Okay God. I'm trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Don't I have enough character already?? Haven't I "learned" enough???? At least bad things come in three's...RIGHT????
1.) Bad news from AK a week or so ago to kick the new year off well!!
2.) Our friend Mike is killed.
3.) Yesterday I get a call that my friend Kelley decided to take her own life by gun Jan.2nd.

She was in Chicago. Her two sisters had just celebrated New Year's with her and said she seemed great. She lived with her boyfriend there for just over 8 months and when he went out for something, he returned home to find her. She was truly a very beautiful young girl (my age...31) with great style, a good job, a great personality and her sense of humor was HILARIOUS!!! She REALLY did have her whole life ahead of her.

I missed the funeral. They did not know how to get in touch with me and clearly had other things on their minds than figuring it out!! On one hand I am glad. I could not have taken that funeral. AK and I tromped around just past dusk last night after we got the news searching for her grave. They gave us the lot number and section, but it was freezing rain, dark and muddy everywhere. I'm not sure if it was all of that or the tears but we did not find it. I just wanted to lay flowers there. I just wanted to talk out loud to her to tell her I am so sorry that she felt that much despair. I have a pain in my stomach that will not subside. I am going back today to find it in the light. God rest her soul and give her the peace that she clearly could not find here on earth. I am not going to be one of those people that believes that you do not go to heaven if you commit suicide. I think God takes you in his arms and hugs you, I think he forgives the act immediately to give your mind the rest and peace that you could not find here on earth...the God I believe in would never be so cruel as to send you to hell. It is obvious to him that you had already been there...here on earth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last night to lighten the mood and to get our minds off of the news, we went to see a movie. In the first few scenes the father in the movie commits suicide by gun. How about that shit?? How's that for IRONIC?? Ha Freaking Ha universe.

I am going to the gym today. I have wasted enough time laying around depressed. I am so TIRED of hardships though. If this is what life is going to be like I am going to have to find a way to adapt and to find the sunshine through the clouds...cause in the words of Joss Stone "ain't nobody got no business stressin' all the time."

Take care each and every one of you and KNOW that no matter how sad things get in your life there are people that LOVE you and will be DEVASTATED by the loss of you. Just in case YOU don't know that, I am tellin' you now. Don't you doubt it. You just call or email me and I will remind you when things seem hopeless!! THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!!!!