This is the dome from our church.
Over these months I've likened the destruction of my relationship to standing on a beach with a double fisted handful of very fine, very dry, very special sand. It has substance, but it isn't solid~it isn't anything I can really hang onto.
No matter how hard I try to squeeze and hold on to it, with every beat of my heart more of it sifts through the small gaps between my fingers and falls to the ground. I can't catch what is falling without dropping more, and I can never gather every grain of my special handful of sand and hold it all together again. In no time at all, I have noticed most of it is gone and all I have left in my hands is an empty space.
**I read an article a long time ago that was very similar to what I just wrote...I tried to memorize it, and I cannot remember the author, but this is about as close as I can get to duplicating it. It is one of the most poignant things I have ever read in relation to my feelings. I put it in my profile that is how much it describes how I feel!!!
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Today was the big send off for our priest at church. I have never been close to a priest and his family before, so I was not sure how I would react. I held up pretty well. My eyes welled up twice, but that was nothing in comparison to the 300 women (and some men) that were crying. AK got a little red eyed for a moment but it passed quickly. The priest is his distant cousin and also a great mentor for AK and I. We went to him for a long time for counseling. He and his family helped to make my transition from Catholic to Greek Orthodox pleasant. We both believed he would be the one to marry us and to baptize our children as well as help us when needed for spiritual/life advice, so for me it was much more about letting go of another portion of my life dream with AK. That just may be the last time I enter that church, and that is a big step for me. It was like saying goodbye to the past and hello to another clean fresh start.
I was very grateful for AK's behavior today. As I mentioned earlier on in the week, he made some BS comment to me about going together and I pretty much put the smack down on him by stating that if he had ANY reason to NOT want to attend together that there was no reason for us to hang out at all. He was very respectful, did not act embarrassed at all, and as a matter of fact he was having fun with me like we used to do when we went every week together. It was nice because it meant a lot to me to be there today and he could have very easily ruined my mood/day like he has in the past. So, although that should be a given, I do feel very relieved and grateful!!
Some of the people today were cracking me up. I got a lot of comments about us and them being so glad to see me again, but my favorite was from a wonderful old woman that said "I want you to keep in touch, because I am going to be at the wedding... and there IS going to be a wedding!! He (pointing at AK) may not know it just yet, but there WILL be one." I love her kind heart.
I also got one cold "nice to meet you...again" from some young greek female dog that was clear about her attraction to AK in the past. She only said that because when she walked up to kiss AK on the cheek and gush about nothing important, he found what was left of his manners and cut her off to say "You remember (my name)...RIGHT??" Her intention was to be a snob to me like always. It felt good to smile at her and to know that I am okay with who I am now. In the past I was so afraid of her and any other attractive girl. I worried they would somehow "take him away" from me. I laugh at that now. I seem to have found some comfort in the fact that these other women do not KNOW who he REALLY is. They think they do...Before that made me mad and I wanted to make it known that I was the ONLY woman that really knows him. Now I know that what matters to me is that I know the truth...and that is all I need.
