I believe I think to much. Just not about the right things. This funk I have been in is pointless, but I have just not been able to shake it. Tonight I FEEL calm about all of it. I think I am just reaching a point of acceptance. I have been thinking everyday about how much I love AK, about all the years and countless things we did together, about all our future plans and about the betrayal(s) and the way they make me feel.
If I were to focus all this energy on myself, I would be back to normal (even better) pretty quickly. I hope this feeling lasts, because tonight I do not feel angry, just over it in a very calm way. I don't feel like I need answers or acceptance from him. I don't feel like I need anything from him. I can tell that I can go to bed and fall asleep for the first time in a long while. I am finally starting to realize that it does not matter what he is doing, who he is hanging out with, talking to, dating etc...I am okay. I can do this for and by myself. I can let go. Not I HAVE to let go, I want to. It is no longer about what I don't want, which is all I have been focusing on...like I don't want him to leave, to talk to other girls etc...but now I FEEL like it is about what I do want. Like a healthy life...like my self esteem back...like a feeling of peace. Like happiness again.
I think a new chapter is starting.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Thursday, November 09, 2006
One is the loneliest number
Being lonely is really deep…I mean, let’s step out of the shallow end for a moment.
Some could say that you choose to be lonely…that if you were lonely, you COULD go hang out with friends or family…or if that is not an option, you could go volunteer and surely seeing people who are worse off than you will help improve your outlook on life.
How about the idea that if you really loved yourself, you would not be lonely because you enjoy yourself and the time spent with self. This theory states that you should never NEED someone else to feel Okay.
Ever been at a party, in a crowd, at a family function and felt completely and utterly ALONE?? Ever been smack dab in the middle of a conversation with one of your closest friends and felt so completely not able to be present??
I have laid next to the man I love and felt so completely alone that fighting back tears was impossible. I can’t decide what is worse…this feeling I have right now as I type this alone at my computer or being in the same room as AK…maybe even lying right next to him and knowing that he is really elsewhere.
I have gone on dates. I have hung out with friends. I have spent time with family. I have spent time with myself (too much even). When I am with other people I am experiencing a loneliness that I had no idea existed. When I come home afterwards, I feel even worse.
It is becoming near impossible for me to force a smile when in the presence of these people that care. How can I long for companionship yet not want to interact with people?? Sometimes I even read blogs, but feel like I do not have the energy to respond.
Does this ache of loneliness ever fade after you really have given your heart to someone and they go away?? Really?? Or is that something we all tell each other in an attempt to give the other hope… when really we have no clue and honestly have never found that ever so elusive thing called happiness? Like we have to tell each other that… because we have to hold out hope for that person…because we just have to…because if they never find it…maybe we never will either??
This is the song I am feeling tonight!
Some could say that you choose to be lonely…that if you were lonely, you COULD go hang out with friends or family…or if that is not an option, you could go volunteer and surely seeing people who are worse off than you will help improve your outlook on life.
How about the idea that if you really loved yourself, you would not be lonely because you enjoy yourself and the time spent with self. This theory states that you should never NEED someone else to feel Okay.
Ever been at a party, in a crowd, at a family function and felt completely and utterly ALONE?? Ever been smack dab in the middle of a conversation with one of your closest friends and felt so completely not able to be present??
I have laid next to the man I love and felt so completely alone that fighting back tears was impossible. I can’t decide what is worse…this feeling I have right now as I type this alone at my computer or being in the same room as AK…maybe even lying right next to him and knowing that he is really elsewhere.
I have gone on dates. I have hung out with friends. I have spent time with family. I have spent time with myself (too much even). When I am with other people I am experiencing a loneliness that I had no idea existed. When I come home afterwards, I feel even worse.
It is becoming near impossible for me to force a smile when in the presence of these people that care. How can I long for companionship yet not want to interact with people?? Sometimes I even read blogs, but feel like I do not have the energy to respond.
Does this ache of loneliness ever fade after you really have given your heart to someone and they go away?? Really?? Or is that something we all tell each other in an attempt to give the other hope… when really we have no clue and honestly have never found that ever so elusive thing called happiness? Like we have to tell each other that… because we have to hold out hope for that person…because we just have to…because if they never find it…maybe we never will either??
This is the song I am feeling tonight!
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
O Happy Happy Day
So finally Cleveland has a no smoking ban. Starting December 6th I can actually go out to a bar without smelling like an ashtray when I leave. Thank you voters. All is right in the world.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Break in the action
SO that little foot injury I referenced this past week...most likely stress fractures. Just great.
I had x-rays that turned out fine, so on to a bone scan. That happens Friday. I am bummed because I have a physical goal that is now totally on hold. I am only allowed to swim and lift for upper body and abs. I will have to make that my daily routine now, but I am bumming people. I LOVE my cardio classes and my weightlifting classes as well. ALL of that stops so this thing can heal.
So along with that great news came something else to make my day extra craptastic.
When Crazy called me and kept me on the phone for 5hrs this past spring, one of the things she took pleasure in telling me is that AK dated my doctor (while I was dating him of course)!! Well, that is an issue because I love her. She is the only doctor I have ever found that I totally respect and trust and that ALWAYS makes the right diagnosis and treatment plan. LOVEHER.
He was in Pharm sales back then, and I knew he called on her, so I asked him. He was TICKED and told me NO, but that he did run into and talk at length with her at a party, and that at said party, her office workers were asking him to go out with her/get to know her.
I was super unhappy about just that, but it is so freaking common, that I let it go. That was this spring that I find this out...
Well, yesterday while in her office I asked her.
He didn't totally lie...he also didn't tell the whole truth. Lying by omission is still a fucking lie.
He did see he at a party...a party one of the girls in the office threw...it was NOT a work function as he told me. THEN he left that first party with her to go (alone) to another party with her. They then returned together to the first party and hung out for about another hour to close out the night...all with NO MENTION of the fact that I was his girlfriend. She was FLOORED that AK was the guy I dated for the past 8 years...HELLO, she tested me 3 times for STD's!!!!!!
She apologized, and was going on and on about how fantastic everyone thinks he is.
IKNOWIFUCKINGKNOWMYGOD!!!!!!!!
Now she is horrified by him of course!!
This all took place three years ago...and they did not hook up or anything, but COME ON...you have to hang out with MY DOCTOR??? Remember he also dated (three dates) with my hairdressers best friend. I mean, these are just people in MY CIRLCE...god only knows what I haven't uncovered.
He of course insisted that nothing happened and that we were broken up then. We were NOT for the record and told him I hoped he choked on his lies to himself. He said that he does not want to keep being reminded of all the mistakes he has made in the past...BUT I AM JUST FINDING OUT ABOUT THEM. WTF?? This is why we always stayed together...I would not find out until it was so far in the past, that it felt stupid to break up years later over it.
What pisses me off is the TOTAL lack of BASIC respect for me. Not only to do it, but with people in MY LIFE. BOLD, BRASH and B.S.
Thank God I do not have a sister...I am sure he would have cheated on me with her!!
I had x-rays that turned out fine, so on to a bone scan. That happens Friday. I am bummed because I have a physical goal that is now totally on hold. I am only allowed to swim and lift for upper body and abs. I will have to make that my daily routine now, but I am bumming people. I LOVE my cardio classes and my weightlifting classes as well. ALL of that stops so this thing can heal.
So along with that great news came something else to make my day extra craptastic.
When Crazy called me and kept me on the phone for 5hrs this past spring, one of the things she took pleasure in telling me is that AK dated my doctor (while I was dating him of course)!! Well, that is an issue because I love her. She is the only doctor I have ever found that I totally respect and trust and that ALWAYS makes the right diagnosis and treatment plan. LOVEHER.
He was in Pharm sales back then, and I knew he called on her, so I asked him. He was TICKED and told me NO, but that he did run into and talk at length with her at a party, and that at said party, her office workers were asking him to go out with her/get to know her.
I was super unhappy about just that, but it is so freaking common, that I let it go. That was this spring that I find this out...
Well, yesterday while in her office I asked her.
He didn't totally lie...he also didn't tell the whole truth. Lying by omission is still a fucking lie.
He did see he at a party...a party one of the girls in the office threw...it was NOT a work function as he told me. THEN he left that first party with her to go (alone) to another party with her. They then returned together to the first party and hung out for about another hour to close out the night...all with NO MENTION of the fact that I was his girlfriend. She was FLOORED that AK was the guy I dated for the past 8 years...HELLO, she tested me 3 times for STD's!!!!!!
She apologized, and was going on and on about how fantastic everyone thinks he is.
IKNOWIFUCKINGKNOWMYGOD!!!!!!!!
Now she is horrified by him of course!!
This all took place three years ago...and they did not hook up or anything, but COME ON...you have to hang out with MY DOCTOR??? Remember he also dated (three dates) with my hairdressers best friend. I mean, these are just people in MY CIRLCE...god only knows what I haven't uncovered.
He of course insisted that nothing happened and that we were broken up then. We were NOT for the record and told him I hoped he choked on his lies to himself. He said that he does not want to keep being reminded of all the mistakes he has made in the past...BUT I AM JUST FINDING OUT ABOUT THEM. WTF?? This is why we always stayed together...I would not find out until it was so far in the past, that it felt stupid to break up years later over it.
What pisses me off is the TOTAL lack of BASIC respect for me. Not only to do it, but with people in MY LIFE. BOLD, BRASH and B.S.
Thank God I do not have a sister...I am sure he would have cheated on me with her!!
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