I'm Trippin'

I have not had a vacation EVER. That is weird huh. True though. I used to go to Key West to bartend through spring break season for years...that was the closest I got to a holiday away. I would work at night, but all day I could lay out or swim or shop or WHATEVER I wanted. I NEED to get away. My brother is moving back from Utah and he has asked me to come out to Park City for a week to have some fun. Then I could help him drive the Acura back and he can drive the box truck. His girlfriend cannot drive stick shift, and I can, so that helps him. We are very close and it will be nice to make some memories with him and to just spend time that does not entail work!! He needs to be back here by the end of the month, so this will most likely happen pretty quickly!!! I will let you know when I leave.
SO excited to learn to snowboard!!!! I love long road trips as well. I love being alone in the car with the music, my mind and the road ahead!!!! This is gonna be great.

Three's...RIGHT????

Okay God. I'm trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Don't I have enough character already?? Haven't I "learned" enough???? At least bad things come in three's...RIGHT????
1.) Bad news from AK a week or so ago to kick the new year off well!!
2.) Our friend Mike is killed.
3.) Yesterday I get a call that my friend Kelley decided to take her own life by gun Jan.2nd.

She was in Chicago. Her two sisters had just celebrated New Year's with her and said she seemed great. She lived with her boyfriend there for just over 8 months and when he went out for something, he returned home to find her. She was truly a very beautiful young girl (my age...31) with great style, a good job, a great personality and her sense of humor was HILARIOUS!!! She REALLY did have her whole life ahead of her.

I missed the funeral. They did not know how to get in touch with me and clearly had other things on their minds than figuring it out!! On one hand I am glad. I could not have taken that funeral. AK and I tromped around just past dusk last night after we got the news searching for her grave. They gave us the lot number and section, but it was freezing rain, dark and muddy everywhere. I'm not sure if it was all of that or the tears but we did not find it. I just wanted to lay flowers there. I just wanted to talk out loud to her to tell her I am so sorry that she felt that much despair. I have a pain in my stomach that will not subside. I am going back today to find it in the light. God rest her soul and give her the peace that she clearly could not find here on earth. I am not going to be one of those people that believes that you do not go to heaven if you commit suicide. I think God takes you in his arms and hugs you, I think he forgives the act immediately to give your mind the rest and peace that you could not find here on earth...the God I believe in would never be so cruel as to send you to hell. It is obvious to him that you had already been there...here on earth.
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Last night to lighten the mood and to get our minds off of the news, we went to see a movie. In the first few scenes the father in the movie commits suicide by gun. How about that shit?? How's that for IRONIC?? Ha Freaking Ha universe.

I am going to the gym today. I have wasted enough time laying around depressed. I am so TIRED of hardships though. If this is what life is going to be like I am going to have to find a way to adapt and to find the sunshine through the clouds...cause in the words of Joss Stone "ain't nobody got no business stressin' all the time."

Take care each and every one of you and KNOW that no matter how sad things get in your life there are people that LOVE you and will be DEVASTATED by the loss of you. Just in case YOU don't know that, I am tellin' you now. Don't you doubt it. You just call or email me and I will remind you when things seem hopeless!! THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!!!!

In Loving Memory

My friend was laid to rest this weekend. Friday was the wake and Saturday was the funeral. I have never attended a military funeral and I hope to never again. It was a constant stream of tears and gut wrenching moments. There was barely a dry eye there and just the sight and sound of all the men crying tore my heart out. There were MANY sailors and their faces had tears streaming just like the rest of us. All of the soldiers that were participating in the ceremonies were red eyed and had HUGE frowns on their faces. His sister and his brothers carried the casket with his little boy helping in the front. One of his brothers is still in the military and seeing him carry his brothers casket knowing that he too was in harms way really hit home. One of the other brothers was SOBBING the entire time...he could barely walk, he kept grabbing the pews for support and I just felt like running up and hugging him. My eyes are welling up just from that memory!! His fiance wrote a funny and touching letter to be read inside the church. When it came time to read it to him she could not and her best friend stepped up took it from her and read it aloud. His parents seemed to be Okay until the guns sounded at the grave and his mother lost it...she started wailing and it was like it came from the depths of her soul. The entire crowd including the people firing the guns and holding the flags all started crying again!! One of the brothers started hitting the casket out of sheer grief when he went to place a flower on it and to say the final goodbye.
I was most shocked by the wake. Both AK and I were STUNNED and sickened by the condition of our friend. It was nearly two weeks until the body was returned and although we had talked about what that meant, nothing could prepare us for what we saw. I know that everyone wanted the chance to see him one last time, but the makeup and condition...it was not at all the way I would like to remember him and it is haunting me. I know it will fade, but it looked like some bad Hollywood piece for a horror movie!
After the funeral everyone headed to our friends favorite bar (scoundrels. HA.) and it was JUST what he would have wanted. Lots of food and drinks and a sense of family that reached out and embraced everyone of us...blood relative or not!! I hope that when I go you guys sit around laughing at all my silly mistakes and quirks, guy problems and opinionated comments!!
I know death is a fact of life. I know this to be true. I just pray to God that my family members, cats, and friends both here and in blog land live forever. I know it is selfish but that is what I am feeling today.