I am Complicated.

Ok JQ...It's been awhile, I owe ya!

I am: not a fast runner, but enjoy it all the same.
I think: hell is really our time here on earth.
I know: how to cut to the core and love like no other.
I have: to find a way to move past this gut wrenching pain.
I wish: I could start over. I would give myself, my friends and family a break knowing all of it was just little stuff that would never have become big stuff if we had only known that.
I hate: drugs and how morally vacant most people are.
I miss: being held each night and waking up next to someone every morning.
I fear: I will never get rid of this loneliness inside me that I have felt my entire life.
I hear: people saying going to strip clubs when in a relationship is no big deal...and feel sorry that anyone has that little self respect for themselves and their relationship.
I smell: my burberry brit perfume....bliss!
I crave: security and contentment.
I search: my mind for answers that are not there!
I wonder: Why people push their Pro-life views in others faces...especially men. Turns my stomach.
I regret: believing I am never enough: Pretty enough, fit enough, wealthy enough...on and on.
I love: having my hair played with.
I ache: for abandoned children and animals and anyone that is truly lonely.
I am not: ok
I believe: in God but question a lot about religion.
I dance: rarely but dream of breaking out a fun surprise dance at my wedding (to my yet to be met hubby)!!
I sing: in the car and I sound terrible but do not care.
I cry: for others people's pain and happy tears for their success.
I fight: depression every day.
I win: the battle and lose the war.
I lose: perspective when I get emotional about how my relationship with AK really was.
I never: want to die before my husband...the one I don't have yet.
I always: try to think of other's feelings.
I confuse: what I want and what I need.
I listen: to my heart more than my head.
I can usually be found: working my tail off.
I am scared: that I will be alone forever.
I need: a vacation.
I am happy about: the fact that I have a job while so many are out of work.
I imagine: that I better get workin' on making my happiness.
Who's next?

2009...Here I come.

So I wonder how your new year is going?
Me?
I am sick. THAT is never fun.
I am excited though. I believe this is the year of change.
I have this spooky calm that has come over me...it is kinda nice.
I am over fighting the reality that I am alone...I am embracing it.
I am ready to put one foot in front of the other to move forward...
without dragging them waiting for the past to catch up. The past is
where he belongs...in the rearview mirror and fading fast!

Attitude adjustment

I have been taking a step back to think about your comments and thoughts.
You are right. I am a nice girl. I have a lot going for me. I treat people very well.
There is no reason for me to feel so unattractive and lonely all the time.
Often I think that my downfall has been being such a "good girl"...In my heart
I know it is the right thing and I would not be happy unless I was this way!!

SO...
I have decided to spend Thanksgiving relaxing and reading and I am going
to hop online to find a soup kitchen that needs help serving food or washing dishes!
That will make me see how blessed I am...in an up close and personal way!!

I also withdrew from school. I know that a big part of me being so flustered has
been that from morning until night I have been at school or work, sometimes
even skipping a meal or shower just to get a lil sleep!! I am most relieved.
I am going to make time for myself every day! Working out sounds like bliss...
and I cannot wait!!

I will also have a little time to enjoy my house!
I could go on and on with all the stuff I plan on doing!!
It is amazing how much you appreciate what is taken away from you!!

I am also okay with being single now. I am sure I will have rough days, but
honestly I am excited to not be thinking about anyone but me!!!
I did hang out with someone a couple of times and it is clearly not going to
work out (I will post about that at a later date...)! I could be bummed because
I really like him actually. Can you believe that?? I did not think it was possible!

AK and I are in a place now where we are friends again and it is okay.
I do not want to meet girls and vice versa for him, but for some reason
I am not okay with 100% gone and this is helping...for now!!
He has been a lil jealous, but only undertones and I laugh in his face!!

K, off to conquer my day!!
Hope you are doing the same!!

Back to the drawing board.

I am back because I need to be. I need some way to vent that does not include talking to all my friends and family or writing in a journal that stares at me on my nightstand!

I am just really blah. Not sad. Not depressed. Just a little like "REALLY?...this is it? this is my life?" I cannot believe that I am not married with kids by now. I am not even dating.!!
I am not a supermodel, but I am a cute girl...and stinkin' nice if I do say so myself!
I am fun, I am successful. WTF??

I spend every night alone unless I am at work. I never go out.
ALL of my friends are married with the exception of the girl that is getting married this New Year's Eve...and guess who is her maid of honor. YUP. Me. Fing me. The only one that is not hitched.

I dread the holidays this year. My first holiday season in my new house. ALONE.
Thanks AK. Oh, and you are out of town with your new girlfriend this weekend??
Oh, what's that?? You could NEVER go out of town with me while you wasted 10yrs
of my life. Oh, and have I told you lately that you effing SUCK. God you were a waste
of my life and have altered my life forever. Hope you have fun though while on your holiday!

I can tell I am crawling back into a place of solitude.
Not good since I have been alone pretty much every day for almost two years now!
I really hope that God knows what he is doing...right now I am thinking he wants me
to live and die alone. Which sucks too. Thanks God, great plan!

A rectangle does not fit into a hole!

It is great to see things with clear vision!!
It has been over a year, but I am finally starting to think and see and act in a healthy happy way that focuses mostly on ME for once!!!

I just finished my first year back to school...to finish my degree. It was one of the decisions I made once I realized that I could not count on a life with AK any longer!!!
I am so glad that I did it now!!!

I bought my house and a new car this year!!
I am eating very well and starting to see the changes that THAT brings!!!

I am so sorry that I tried for so long to make a rectangle fit into a hole!
I am sorry to myself. I am sorry for treating ME worse than I would anybody else.
I will be more careful with myself from this day forward!!

XO guys. Hope you are taking as good of care as you deserve!!

Well said.

Either you get bitter or you get better.



Sometimes I am both...workin' on better daily...with some minor setbacks!

Revelations

Wow. Just found out that an old flame of mine is expecting his first (planned) child.
Weird for me to hear only because we just emailed last week after yrs to say hello and to reminisce about old times...no mention. He is a vet and while reading his "business" blog today I very clearly read the news in the first paragraph.
I wish them well...I will no longer keep in touch with him now...even for a quick phone conversation or such as we do when too much time goes by. Wow.

I also am letting go of a lil crush that has been keeping me busy for the last few months...
He was engaged and called it off 8 months ago. We talked a lot about why and I know people waffle... but I read (today as well) on a work forum (that he told me about but has no clue that I read today), that he thinks that it may be the biggest mistake of his life and that he may call her... Regardless of other details...I instantly am shifting my focus...back to myself...where it clearly belongs.

Ugh. Just a little bit bummed. If I can recover after AK this will be cakewalk!!

Thank God.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Such an odd "holiday" really. Not that I am against it or anything...but really it is just a day for everyone to dress really stupid and get crazy smashed by breakfast and continue on like rockstars until the bars close at night.
I live very close to some really fantastic Irish pubs. I went for a couple of hours just to be social. It was kinda fun, but the too drunk people creep me out and I have a low tolerance for stupidity in bars so that is about all I could handle.

Hope your "holiday" was fun...
This is my musical obsession today.

Hard

Hmmm. I feel like life is hard...and ya know what...it is.
I thought when I was this age it would be easy...or at least easier.
I think I need sleep.
So I am going to bed. Tomorrow is another chance at peace.
'Nite.