...In with the new

Happy New Years to All of you.
I know 2007 will be a much better happier time for all of us!
I wish you nothing but peace, love, health and happiness.

My goals for 2007.

1.) Real Estate License. I have taken the classes...I need to take the exams!!
2.) Grow my company by one new account a month.
3.) Lose needed weight and get in the best physical shape/balance of my life. (Develop a healthy self image.)
4.) Make peace and let go of everything that has happened with AK. (Let go of the past.)
5.) Decide one way or another what our relationship fate is...and STICK TO IT!!
6.) Try one new thing a month...sport, hobby, volunteer project etc. (Enlarge my vision.)

I may be adding to this list as I remember things that need to be accomplished!!!
What about you?? Making goals for 2007???

Oh and wherever you drink, be safe...please do not drive. The stats on that are horrific so no calling me a mom for saying that!!

By Request

I have a request from one of my favorite bloggers to get more scoop on dinner date guy. I fear you may be disappointed, but I will tell you what I can.

Dinner date guy!! I don't think I have really talked TOO much about him...at least not the full picture. I met him on Match.com. Can you believe that?? I still laugh that I went through that phase. Hey it works!! I had some great dates and met some cool people. If nothing else it was an ego boost that I sorely needed when I was cheated on!!

ANYWAYS...he was witty and our emails were constantly entertaining and I found myself waiting for his responses! SO, I met him out on a Saturday afternoon this past summer. I had another date lined up for that night, so I planned on just meeting up with him for a bit (it probably would suck) and I would chalk it up and recover with my evening date!! Well we had a BLAST. We went from patio bar to patio bar and the only reason that we parted at all was because I had that dang evening date!! HA!

He then asked if he could cook me dinner at my place! BOLD. I was shocked...so early on, I hadn't even kissed the guy. Remember we had been emailing forever though, so it felt like we had known each other for a very long time. He cooked me the best dinner and was SO stinkin' cute doing it that I was a tad smitten!! He cooked Salmon and fresh green beans and gnocchi and it tasted fantastic. Needless to say, he stayed pretty late and we had a totally enjoyable time playing with the XM radio online and downing a couple bottles of wine...and kissing!!! THAT is where he got that little nickname from!

Then reality smacked me upside the head that AK was going to FREAK OUT if he found out...so I told him the basics...and he was surprisingly cool until he SAW DDG walking up to my place. THEN he freaked...knocked on the door even...texting me like a mad man and flat out making it a point to let me know what he thought of the situation. WELL, even though it shouldn't it bothers me. So, I have been holding DDG at arms length. I see him about every two weeks. He has now resorted to flat out telling me that he likes me. He is ready to move forward. I have been honest in telling him that I need to get myself straight. He has been cool about it, but honestly it is not fair to him or to me. AK is still very much in the picture. I just like the way DDG treats me. He looks at me with those eyes...the eyes that have not been tarnished with HISTORY...he plays with my hair without even thinking about it...he kisses my forehead and puts his hand on the small of my back when we are walking. He opens doors, he remembers everything I say, he calls when he says and he DOES NOT LOOK AT OR TALK ABOUT other women in my presence!!!! He thinks about me...you can tell by the way he acts and talks. He even sent me a picture of the fans rushing the field the second OSU won the big game against MI. WHO DOES THAT?? Most guys are yelling, drinking, high fiving...or RUSHING the field. HE sends me a photo!!

There is a shallow part of me. He is not exactly like AK...as I understand that NOBODY will be. But I am used to a guy that goes to the gym every day. (I am also used to that guy that goes to the gym everyday looking at every female thing that walks!!) SO, what is more important?? The more time I spend with DDG the more attracted to him I am. Weird I know!! I am NOT telling AK about DDG at all anymore. I just do not want to fight when there is NO commitment between us and he is befriending other women that I do not know.
This whole scene is a mess. I will be so glad when I am resting soundly in ONE mans arms...one that loves only me and vice versa.

Happy Holidays!!!

Happy Holidays Everyone. Whatever it is you celebrate!!
Me?? It's Christmas. So far so good. I picked up two of my nephews (1 and 5) yesterday and spent the day with them. We sang Christmas carols ALL day, we shopped for presents for them to give out, we wrapped them afterwards (so cute how terrible the paper looks, but how PERFECT it actually is with the pride of a little boy behind it!!), we had the famous picture with Santa taken!! It was a long but very fulfilling day!!!

Seeing Santa was truly magical. All 5yr old attitude melted away and his eyes just lit up when he was sitting on Santa's lap!! He was so comfortable just asking him questions like "What do the reindeer eat, and where are they anyway?? The North Pole?? What about Mrs. Claus is she there?? How do the elf's get back to the N.Pole (they were with him in Westlake!!)" My heart just soared!! How sweet life can be!!!

Dinner date guy sent me a Christmas arrangement on Wed.
What a sweet gesture!! Not sure at all what to do about that guy! :) I guess time will tell.
I am not going to have much time until after the holidays to post...if I do get a minute I will swing by, but it looks doubtful.

I hope that all of you have a safe and beautiful Holiday filled with peace, happiness, friends and family!!

I am not it.

I had lunch with one of my gal pals yesterday. She could tell that I was struggling even though I have not said anything lately( I could not eat...I didn't even order). She confided in me that she too had gone through a very dark time with a previous boyfriend (later her husband). There were so many similarities. I know that other people go through things in relationships, but every time I hear someone relating to me in this manner, I am shocked. I feel like the only one that cannot get a grip on what is right or wrong. She is now married to the love of her life and has a baby that is 7 months old and a picture of joy!!! She made it!! I cannot believe how many people go through this turmoil in relationships!!! If you love someone WHY WHY WHY do you hurt them???

Anyways, I think AK and I no matter how much we love each other just need to let go.
Life should not be like this. Really big joy then the worst of the worst angst.
I don't believe that he intended to hurt me the way he has. I think he wishes things were different. He is NOT capable of being that man anymore. I actually feel like an abuser by fighting all the time over these women. He is who he is. I know it. Why am I fighting for something that is not possible.

Yesterday we had one of the worst fights EVER. It was so terrible. I SLAPPED him across the face. That is the worst thing ever because his mom used to slap him across the face all of the time when he was little and I PROMISED him almost nine years ago that I would NEVER physically hurt him, ESPECIALLY in that manner. He never saw it coming. I could not think of another way to make him see HOW MUCH and HOW BADLY he was hurting me...it was ALL I could think of. The calm talking, the crying, the yelling, the written letters ETC. ETC. nothing has worked EVEN when he said it did!!

Afterwards I swear I felt like throwing up. I do not think ANYONE has the right to touch another person like that...and that I would WANT to HURT the most important person in the world turns my stomach. I was sitting there thinking that NO MATTER how much we do care about and love each other, it has turned into something very ugly and is so incredibly tragic that it would come to this. I apologized for slapping him...not for what I was mad about, but the slap.

If I can relay this feeling to you...it is that MY SOUL was injured with that one motion. I also saw a look in his eyes of such pain. Not of Physical pain, even though I am sure that stung, it was something far worse. How could I injure someone that is OBVIOUSLY so INJURED already??? I sit here bawling my eyes out writing this because I am so sad. How did this happen to two people that want to be together so badly?? How can someone be so ILL to keep making the same mistakes over and over and over even though it tortures them??

After our hideous fight, I was saying to JUST leave. I told him that THAT was IT, that we were DONE forever. He refused. He laid down on the couch and closed his eyes for a very long time. I think we both were so shocked and wounded. I went to lay in my bed. As if that were not bad enough....

Someone knocks on my door. It is one of the girls that lives in my building...She backed up and wrecked AK's car. I felt such guilt...that if we had not been fighting, he would not have been over, he would have been at the gym where he was heading.

After that fiasco, he just came in and said "I know you have not eaten all day, so let's go get some dinner." I knew if I did not go I would stay in bed for the remainder of the day, and I wanted to make peace with the situation, so we went. It was weird. Something has clicked in me...it's that feeling of my soul being wounded...REALLY. I felt distant from him for the first time in my life. Not cold at all...just like LIFE had changed. I felt like we were broken up. I did not say I love you as I do every single day. I did not feel any negative emotions, I just felt sad but also like I KNEW that we need to let go. I want him to be happy and I told him so. I will no longer get worked up over anything. I want him to do WHATEVER makes his life better. I am not it. For whatever reason...I am not it.

To Frannie (and friends) with love...

***Your blog is SOOO impossible to leave comments on sometimes, so I give up today and post here instead... This is in response to one of your latest entries!!

Would it surprise you to know that:
~I look for your comments every post I write and find a sense of peace when they are there??
~Your comments OFTEN make my eyes well up. You care so much.
~I feel I have found a kindred spirit in you??
~Your recipes are being saved for a rainy day here in OHIO??
~Your poop art story is STILL one of my favorite blog stories and will go down in blog history as so!
~I admire how you were able to leave behind that bad relationship of the past...it gives me hope.
~You inspire me to get myself on track so that I too can be a mom and wife with a house (I don't think a farm though :))!!!
~It is nice to know that you are human...that you are not just a perfect blogger with a perfect life and that WE might be a place YOU can turn to when need be.
~That you remind me about religion every time I read your blog...that otherwise I push it off and forget to turn to it sometimes! That it is OKAY to talk about religious beliefs and convictions in this day and age.
~I am glad that your life continues on...even through this rough patch!!
~That I think you ROCK as a mom, wife, blogger, and FRIEND!!!!

***Friends both Frannie and Crouching Mommy, Hidden Laundry are really having a rough go of things lately...I also notice that the alchemist is even more sad than normal as of late. JQ is going through a tough legal battle as well. The rollercoaster continues for Kate and The Cat as well. Although we all have crap in our own lives, these people seem to need just a little extra attention right now!! Let's pull together to support these great people when you can.
Cyber hugs to all of you.

The nitty gritty

Okay guys...this is me...kinda. I have never felt very comfortable posting a picture...but here ya go. I feel comfortable with this because it is my picture, but not super clear. You cannot even tell that my hair was super blond in the photo! It's fun. Try it out when you can. Post it. Fair is fair!!
Let's hope the crazy's stay away with all this personal info out there now...

Then this next little bit of info is courtesy of Karin's Korner meme:

1. MIDDLE NAME? Ann

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I wish, that would be cool…but alas, NO. My mom wanted to name me TAMI…Tami Ann…what am I a hillbilly?? Thank God my dad put his foot down on that one!!

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?

I am all cried out…I honestly can’t remember.

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yes

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? Roast Beef…med. Rare and Boarshead brand.

6. KIDS? Not yet…but boy am I going to be a kick butt mom!
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes, I am very loyal and fun.

8. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL? I have one on my nightstand. There are like 10 entries in it and I have had it since spring.
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Often.

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes

11. WOULD YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMP? Maybe. But it is not on the top of my list…and not off a bridge.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL? Honeycombs and Kashi honey wheat puffs.

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Sometimes. I have a foot injury currently that makes me do so when my foot is swollen!!

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? In mind and spirit. Kinda physically.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR? Rocky Road…how apropos!

16. SHOE SIZE? 7 1/2

17. RED OR PINK? Red if lipstick…

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF? I have a disconnect between my head and heart when it comes to loved ones.

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? AK

21. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black workout pants with white stripes down the side. White Brooks running shoes with yellow accents.

22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Christmas Cookies…Yum.

23. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? Yes. XM Radio Online…Fallout Boy “This ain’t a scene” is on!!

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? Chartreuse. Cuz I like the name.

25. FAVOURITE SMELL? Fresh Cut grass or a fire in the fireplace!!

26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? AK

27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? The entire package all at once…

28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Just getting’ to know her…but so far she is wonderful!

29. FAVOURITE DRINK? Margarita

30. FAVOURITE SPORT? Football. skateboarding and snowboarding to watch!!

31. EYE COLOUR? Hazel

32. HAT SIZE? Let’s go with Medium on that one!

33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Lasik Baby. Lasik.

34. FAVOURITE FOOD? Bread…cheese…sushi.

35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy ending.

36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE THEATRE? Borat.

37. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? Black hoodie.

38. FAVOURITE SEASON? Fall

39. HUGS OR KISSES? Kisses…the good kind…and all over!

40. FAVOURITE DESSERT? Chocolate Pie with Fresh Strawberries or bananas

41. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Your best life now.

42. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? The Mouse. It is made of black leather though if that is what the question was really asking…and it has a gel wrist rest!

43. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? House.

44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles

45. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? Key West Florida

46. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? Picking Cheaters to date

47. WHEN & WHERE YOU WERE BORN: Fairview Park, Ohio

48. WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Karin’s Korner

** Now you are IT...if you have not already completed this...interested in hearing all about YOU.

Thoughts

Hey guys. I read your comments from the last post and I understand your sentiments. I agree with all of them. I find myself in a weird spot the last couple of months. Analyzing and working on just about everything. It is a bit exhausting to be honest. I have also been making sure to just relax lately...even if that means going to bed early.

I should give some more info after the last post. AK has still been asking to come over every evening. Yesterday we cooked dinner together and then later did the dishes together and it was very very relaxing. He has spent the night twice this past week. We have not kissed even once. Well, no more than on the cheek. There has been nothing like that going on. I have been standing back and watching. It is giving me the opportunity to SEE who he is now that the dust has settled. Before there was all this drama flying around mixed in with very high emotions and I could not figure out how I REALLY felt. I am slowly doing so now. I am not sure how it will turn out. I can honestly say 50/50 are the odds. Before this stuff I was so in love with him that working through things was the one thought at all. Now... Sometimes I feel like too much has happened and I believe we are over. Other times I am convinced that we will rise above the past. Always his presence is so natural and comforting.

This dinner date guy has been a miracle in the midst of all of this. He has reminded me what it is like to be in something that does not have any of the history...a clean slate. Innocence. It sure is nice.

Please take into account that this is only a sliver that I have been able to show you. It is a process and I need to figure it out on my own...very much like the advice to not twist AK's arm...I need to come to full terms with where we are going (even if it is our separate ways) in my own time. What I can say with certainty is that that young naive head over heels girl is gone. It is a shame really. I liked her spirit and her energy. Maybe I will find a more wise, slightly aged version very soon...with AK or some other deserving man.

It's a busy time.

Lots going on here. It has been snowing a good amount. That means revving up the snowblower and throwing salt down daily. I did bite the bullet and bought these great Columbia winter boots yesterday though. They were$130 and I got them for $85 out the door. I was way happy about that. I can use them to ski or snowboard. Let's see if it happens though. They have been on my list of things to try for years now.

Lots of baking going on here as well. I love the end result, but man is it time consuming. Just finished making 150 buckeyes. Now am working on Linzers. I have that cookie exchange with the gals this Sunday. Really looking forward to it. I will be sure to post about it.

I had a coming to Jesus talk with AK not too long after that WTF post. Things here have been interesting since. He did see my point about not being together but not really being broken up. We agreed to make movement one way or another. He has been over every day since and spent the night the last two evenings. His attitude has been fantastic and not in a fake way. OF COURSE my eyes are wide open. I have NO expectations and have been burned enough now that I am not sure how rebuilding could ever happen. Still thinking a lot about this. I am keeping my plans for a date this evening. It is only fair to that person and to myself. After all AK set this in motion, not me. I feel a little funny about hanging out with someone this evening when AK just left this morning, but I am guessing that AK will be out with the guys as usual and then my guilt will melt right away. It is going to take A LOT of ACTION not words this time if we are ever to decide to try to rebuild. This could change by the minute though, so keep tuned in.
Hope everyone is enjoying the season!!

Long Time No Write

Hey guys. I apologize for the lack of consideration. I should have stopped by sooner or posted something to let you guys know that I am okay. I wrote that last post and was so sickened at my own words and where I was emotionally and mentally that I just could not come back to read or write anything. I was mentally drained. I have been thinking a lot about you guys the last few days and wondering how you all are. I am sorry but I have not been reading your blogs at all either. It was really strange, but although I have grown to care about everyone, I just had no more energy to even read about what was going on in all of our lives. (I will catch up on that this week as I know I have missed A Lot!! I will respond to the emails as well.) I appreciate the concern you all showed and I was actually really touched that you care. I am not sure what happened inside of me, but I reached a limit of some kind. I just could not even THINK about all of the things that are going on with all of us...plus the people that are in my life that are not from this arena. It just was too much for a bit. I have grown to feel like you guys are really my friends and I was thinking about and worrying about some of you and trying to heal and take care of myself. Something had to give. I did TRY to read one day and just still felt overwhelmed... SO, I took a little time and I feel great again.

It is hard to keep in focus sometimes. I started feeling really negative pre-blog break. I started thinking that most everyone was a liar or a cheat or deceitful on some level and that the people that I had met on here were the perfect example of how unfair life is. Seemingly GREAT people that had in one way or another been hurt badly and it bugged me that there were so many individuals that had experienced this kind of pain. I just really started feeling like what the heck is the point of being a great person, girlfriend etc. So many seemingly undeserving people appear to have found what they are looking for...almost like being rewarded for being idiots while we all suffered.

SO I took some time and I have been thinking a lot. I never really thought of myself as self righteous to the level that I became. I mean, maybe those people just made different choices and did what it took to get what they need and want. Who am I to judge?? I also started thinking about how kind hearted all of you are. It put things in perspective. Yes. Most people do F Up and lie or cheat or deceive. For every one of them, there is someone that has shown kindness with the same intensity. Without realizing it I guess I felt bad for all of us...including myself. Now I have reminded myself that this is just LIFE. That bad things will happen and I can approach it differently. With a sense of peace maybe instead of stress and tears. I lost sight of all of the good things that I have been blessed with and was focusing only on all the stuff that has been happening. It feels good to let go of what SHOULD have been. This is the way IT IS, and that is OKAY TOO.

Pre-blog break I was simply not able to be productive the way I should. I was doing the minimum to just get by. The break gave me what I needed and I have that well rested ready to go feeling that you get after a long nap or vacation. I am going to nurture that by continuing to take time for myself first.

What I am most surprised about is that even though I have never met one of you, it was impossible to truly turn you guys out from my life...I did it for a bit out of necessity, but I have learned that you really are my friends and I care a great deal about you, very much like my friends outside of blog world.
SO, thanks for sticking with me. If I ever plan on taking another vacation of any sort I will let you know first.
I need to go...I have A LOT of reading to catch up on!!!!!!!
:)

WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF

Hi AK,

It was so nice to see you this weekend! Pickwick and Frolick was a lot of fun. I still can't get over how the majician took Adam's watch off of his wrist without him noticing and how the coins moved from one hand to another. And I thought I was pretty attentive and could figure how he did that...NOT. I guess I can't change my name to Alexis Coppperfield...yet. Anyhow, I know you have been super busy with work, but I very much appreciate that you took the time to join us. We should get together more often. Seeing you always puts a smile on my face...I just think the world of you!!

This e-mail has all the information for the next couple of weekends. Please call me or e-mail me if you are able to attend as soon as possible, so I can make the proper reservations for all.

Hope to see you soon!!!

Most fondly, Alexis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is an email in AK's email today. WHAT A S.O.B. Remember on Saturday when I told you he was texting me like a lunatic accusing me of being on a date and blah blah fing blah...well once I left my friends house, he went out with a group of GREEK people...guys and girls. Here is an example of a girl that is just a FRIEND. AM I FUCKING NUTS??? This is how every one of his FRIENDS feels about him and talks to him. FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF. MOST FONDLY?? I don't care that he is not attracted to this girl (she is large) GOING OUT WITH OTHER WOMEN MAKES THEM THINK YOU LIKE THEM PIG WHAT DON'T YOU GET. She attached a fucking agenda for the night before thanksgiving, the night after thanksgiving and a couple of dates in December that she is inviting him to with her and her friends. Mind you, I went to church with this girl (AK's Greek fing church)...mind you in the 8 years we dated we never hung out with her and her girlfriends like he is now. That is what burns me most...when it is time to move or when his dad was dying WHERE THE FUCK were these "FRIENDS"?????????? If they were friends why did I NEVER hang out and get to know them????
NOTHING is special with us...NOTHING for example... remember on THURSDAY when we went to the comedian for his birthday...SAME FUCKING PLACE he went on Saturday with these guys only clearly they had a blast and he was ready to go home early and was a crying weirdo with me...and on his birthday because I WAS THERE, it was only the two of us and two guy friends...notice NOT ONE OF HIS FUCKING GIRL FRIENDS was invited??? WHY NOT if they are such good friends??

BTW, I FUCKING HATE HATE HATE the mentality of GREEK people. I don't care how many people get offended by that I HATE YOUR FUCKING GREEK MENTALITY. It is disrespectful and RIDICULOUS. AK is only half Greek by the way you fucking tools. NOT ONE Irish person considers him to be in their click WHY NOT??? I'll tell you, cuz they are not fucking in the 8th grade, that is why!! THEY don't care that he is Irish. In AK's eyes, it is not the POPULAR SEXY thing to be Irish, so he never brings THAT up...only that he is GREEK!!! AND BTW...YOU ARE IN AMERICA...most of you born and raised...you are American you idiot...SPEAK the fucking language or go back to where your parents came from if you think it is so great and superior to us common AMERICANS. EVERY Greek person I have met thinks you are super close and bonded together because you are Greek. THAT IS STUPID. I am a girl, I am not in a click with every fucking female. I am Ukrainian. SO FING WHAT??? I do not need to hang out with Every Ukrainian in Cleveland. ETC. ETC.
I know this is a mad rant, but I can't take this constant bullshit every fucking day. I have got to just break all ties with this disrespectful ex of mine. HOW do you just erase someone from your life?? Idiot or not?? How do you just not talk to someone who has been there for better or worse EVERY DAY for the last 8yrs??? I DO NOT BELIEVE that I needed to go through all this shit to be a better person...There has never been any danger of me acting the way he does. I do not deserve this.
THIS SONG is blaring today!!

Small pleasures

O-H-I-O!!

The dinner party was a lot of fun yesterday. My pumpkin chiffon pie was a hit. I will be making that again for sure. Already looking forward to our December event! We just stayed in and watched the game. Cute dinner date guy was in Cbus at the game and was texting me during it . SO CUTE...as a matter of fact, he sent me a picture of everyone rushing the field the second the game was over! AK was texting me like a crazy as well asking me to call him and wanting to know if I was on a date (he knows I love football and he hates it)! He tries to spin stuff to make this my fault which really ticks me off...some of his text messages were accusing me of acting the same way he was since we broke up...OHHHHHH, SO I SHOULD REMAIN MS. PERFECT while he CONTINUES TO F ME OVER, never mind that HE is the one ANNOUNCING to the world that we are broken up!! His logic is SOOOOO bizarre. I just know he thinks we are getting married once he gets all this shit out of his system, which leads me to this song that I think expresses it well...I cannot believe she is barely 19yrs old!! My favorite line is near the end when she says "Ain't Nobody got no business stressing all the time". AMEN to that!!

Hope all of you are enjoying and relaxing this rainy Sunday!

Ohio. Games, Celebrations and Epiphany's.

So this is the weekend of all weekends here in Ohio. The GREAT match between Ohio State and Michigan is tomorrow. Dinner date guy is heading down there as I type. He is an alumnus and has season tickets with his family and a group of friends from school. I have to admit that his enthusiasm is contagious. I have a feeling OSU will win. Either way, it is fun to watch. It really is like a phenomena all the hype and the sheer number of fans for this team!!

Well, tomorrow is also my monthly dinner with the gals. We do a secret Santa each year so we don't have to spend a fortune on each other. We write down three things we would appreciate along with our name. We are exchanging tomorrow at our Thanksgiving feast because some of us wanted x-mas stuff. Also we have a total of 10 people coming to our December event (cookie & candy making/boxing and decorating) and we do not want to make anyone feel left out. ANYWAYS...my secret Santa sent me THIS ! It arrived a day early (no complaints here) and I am thrilled. Silly I know, but I have needed one of those for quite some time and just did not want to spend the money on something so stupid. It is sitting out on my cook top and when I walk by it just makes me smile! I can just imagine how much easier chocolate making will be with this!

Yesterday was AK's birthday. His 30th. We went out to a comedy club with his two closest guy friends, then out for more drinks. It was an eye opener. We were front and center (literally). I mean I could have reached out to touch the guy. Well, you know what comes next. OF COURSE he picks on our table...I mean, we are in front of him and it is AK's Bday. He starts off with this bit about LOVERS...yep, he looks AK right straight in the face and says "THIS girl your lover?" while pointing at me. He paused for a second and then shook his head NO. The guy said "NO???"
and AK said "No." The comedian pointed over to AK's best friend and said "What? THIS guy your lover?" Ha. He then proceeded to turn to the table next to us to ask the next guy. He of course said yes, and then the comedian instructed the guy to kiss her. The boyfriend grabbed the back of her neck and kissed her like he meant it. Not sure what the punchline was because I zoned out at that point.
I looked as composed as any other person in the room, but in that moment my life was changed forever. I know it should have been a million other things that did it, but a public announcement (rather denouncement) of me was it. I felt the switch go OFF inside. I felt so completely beyond emotion. I didn't feel like crying, I was not mad, embarrassed??~what for~it was no worse than chasing skirt around town while I was out proclaiming how close we were to engagement. Technically he didn't lie...we haven't had sex in one full month. I felt cold inside. Not bitter. Maybe empty. I was on auto pilot the remainder of the night. I did my good girl duties by being nice and smiling and not ruining anyones birthday, but I felt like going home and getting on with my life.

When I was driving us home I could tell there was a deep sadness in AK. I tried to talk to him about it, thought maybe it was because of the silly dreaded 30 mark. He said he was just tired. When I got settled in myself, I called him back and I didn't even need him to say hello. I knew he was crying. He sat on the telephone with me for 45 minutes and just cried. He said he was not upset about being 30, but he would not give up the cause in full. He just kept saying "Everything". I sat there and was amazed at how miserable we both had become. We used to be so happy. Our relationship is gone now though. I KNOW that now.

He came over today to use the computer. I needed to leave for about 15 minutes. When I returned, I saw that he had a porn screen minimized. It literally scares me how my brain and body reacts to this stuff now. I just shut off and it feels really scary. Vacant even. I asked him why and he said because he is a guy, not a female (meaning this is natural and what all guys do). So I asked him when he was going to get help and he replied "When I want to." Nail meet coffin. I reached in front of him, closed the window in full and reminded him of his broken promise once again to never do that on MY computer in MY home again. I then just got up and went to he adjoining bedroom and laid there. He came in apologized and said that he was sorry for disrespecting me. It fell on deaf ears. The switch is off. It will never be back on for him.

Good Grief

Dilemna #4,125,689,547,859.
Dinner date guy.
He is so great. Gentle, thoughtful, fun, witty, educated, INTO ME...cute enough.
Last night I hung out with him...
I emailed him first and said "I am taking myself out of the dating pool for a bit…care to grab a drink in a little while to chat about that…or ignore that (as you may care less) and down a couple anyways??"
We had a blast grabbing drinks and then dinner later on. Then he came back to my place and I assumed that he wanted to talk about the email because he did not bring it up at all earlier.

So, we started talking about the email...he read it quickly and what HE THOUGHT I meant was that I was taking myself out of the dating pool because I liked HIM.
OMG. Did I say OMG?? O.M.G. It went something like this...

HIM: Wait a second, back up, what you wrote...it is BAD for ME??"
ME: (I took in some air first and cursed email) "Well, I'm not sure...I mean you have never really said if you like me or not...or if you like 10 other women at the same time even."
HIM: "So, say that I DO like you...is this BAD for ME??
Me: (feeling like I am going to pass out) "Ummm. Yes."
**Crickets**
HIM: "So talk to me about what you mean."
Me: (Insert some fumbling around with words while I trip over my tongue and thoughts)
HIM: "So, for the record. You know I like you right?? I like you."

WOW. Double WOW.

We talked for about an hour after that. He was GREAT. He played with my hair the entire time (I MELT FOR THAT) and listened and talked and respected where I was at. I said SOME things about the situation with A.K. but not very much. I wanted to let him know why I am where I am without overloading on the Jerry Springer transcript. I think he got as much as possible with the limited info I was offering up. He told me to do what is best for me and to not worry about other people, and to take all the time I need.

I need a rewind button...anyone have one I can borrow?? Just to use to get back the last 8+ yrs.

It's not your fault.

When you see other people as they are without taking it personally, you can never be hurt by what they say or do. Even if others lie to you, it is okay. They are lying to you because they are afraid you will discover that they are not perfect.

It's not your fault. It's NOT your fault.

** I am trying very hard to learn this lesson and to find peace in it.

Letting go

I believe I think to much. Just not about the right things. This funk I have been in is pointless, but I have just not been able to shake it. Tonight I FEEL calm about all of it. I think I am just reaching a point of acceptance. I have been thinking everyday about how much I love AK, about all the years and countless things we did together, about all our future plans and about the betrayal(s) and the way they make me feel.
If I were to focus all this energy on myself, I would be back to normal (even better) pretty quickly. I hope this feeling lasts, because tonight I do not feel angry, just over it in a very calm way. I don't feel like I need answers or acceptance from him. I don't feel like I need anything from him. I can tell that I can go to bed and fall asleep for the first time in a long while. I am finally starting to realize that it does not matter what he is doing, who he is hanging out with, talking to, dating etc...I am okay. I can do this for and by myself. I can let go. Not I HAVE to let go, I want to. It is no longer about what I don't want, which is all I have been focusing on...like I don't want him to leave, to talk to other girls etc...but now I FEEL like it is about what I do want. Like a healthy life...like my self esteem back...like a feeling of peace. Like happiness again.
I think a new chapter is starting.

One is the loneliest number

Being lonely is really deep…I mean, let’s step out of the shallow end for a moment.
Some could say that you choose to be lonely…that if you were lonely, you COULD go hang out with friends or family…or if that is not an option, you could go volunteer and surely seeing people who are worse off than you will help improve your outlook on life.

How about the idea that if you really loved yourself, you would not be lonely because you enjoy yourself and the time spent with self. This theory states that you should never NEED someone else to feel Okay.

Ever been at a party, in a crowd, at a family function and felt completely and utterly ALONE?? Ever been smack dab in the middle of a conversation with one of your closest friends and felt so completely not able to be present??

I have laid next to the man I love and felt so completely alone that fighting back tears was impossible. I can’t decide what is worse…this feeling I have right now as I type this alone at my computer or being in the same room as AK…maybe even lying right next to him and knowing that he is really elsewhere.

I have gone on dates. I have hung out with friends. I have spent time with family. I have spent time with myself (too much even). When I am with other people I am experiencing a loneliness that I had no idea existed. When I come home afterwards, I feel even worse.
It is becoming near impossible for me to force a smile when in the presence of these people that care. How can I long for companionship yet not want to interact with people?? Sometimes I even read blogs, but feel like I do not have the energy to respond.

Does this ache of loneliness ever fade after you really have given your heart to someone and they go away?? Really?? Or is that something we all tell each other in an attempt to give the other hope… when really we have no clue and honestly have never found that ever so elusive thing called happiness? Like we have to tell each other that… because we have to hold out hope for that person…because we just have to…because if they never find it…maybe we never will either??
This is the song I am feeling tonight!

O Happy Happy Day

So finally Cleveland has a no smoking ban. Starting December 6th I can actually go out to a bar without smelling like an ashtray when I leave. Thank you voters. All is right in the world.

Break in the action

SO that little foot injury I referenced this past week...most likely stress fractures. Just great.
I had x-rays that turned out fine, so on to a bone scan. That happens Friday. I am bummed because I have a physical goal that is now totally on hold. I am only allowed to swim and lift for upper body and abs. I will have to make that my daily routine now, but I am bumming people. I LOVE my cardio classes and my weightlifting classes as well. ALL of that stops so this thing can heal.

So along with that great news came something else to make my day extra craptastic.
When Crazy called me and kept me on the phone for 5hrs this past spring, one of the things she took pleasure in telling me is that AK dated my doctor (while I was dating him of course)!! Well, that is an issue because I love her. She is the only doctor I have ever found that I totally respect and trust and that ALWAYS makes the right diagnosis and treatment plan. LOVEHER.
He was in Pharm sales back then, and I knew he called on her, so I asked him. He was TICKED and told me NO, but that he did run into and talk at length with her at a party, and that at said party, her office workers were asking him to go out with her/get to know her.
I was super unhappy about just that, but it is so freaking common, that I let it go. That was this spring that I find this out...

Well, yesterday while in her office I asked her.
He didn't totally lie...he also didn't tell the whole truth. Lying by omission is still a fucking lie.
He did see he at a party...a party one of the girls in the office threw...it was NOT a work function as he told me. THEN he left that first party with her to go (alone) to another party with her. They then returned together to the first party and hung out for about another hour to close out the night...all with NO MENTION of the fact that I was his girlfriend. She was FLOORED that AK was the guy I dated for the past 8 years...HELLO, she tested me 3 times for STD's!!!!!!
She apologized, and was going on and on about how fantastic everyone thinks he is.
IKNOWIFUCKINGKNOWMYGOD!!!!!!!!
Now she is horrified by him of course!!

This all took place three years ago...and they did not hook up or anything, but COME ON...you have to hang out with MY DOCTOR??? Remember he also dated (three dates) with my hairdressers best friend. I mean, these are just people in MY CIRLCE...god only knows what I haven't uncovered.
He of course insisted that nothing happened and that we were broken up then. We were NOT for the record and told him I hoped he choked on his lies to himself. He said that he does not want to keep being reminded of all the mistakes he has made in the past...BUT I AM JUST FINDING OUT ABOUT THEM. WTF?? This is why we always stayed together...I would not find out until it was so far in the past, that it felt stupid to break up years later over it.
What pisses me off is the TOTAL lack of BASIC respect for me. Not only to do it, but with people in MY LIFE. BOLD, BRASH and B.S.
Thank God I do not have a sister...I am sure he would have cheated on me with her!!

This is a hoot

So, these are the celebrities I look most like...FUNNY. My heritage.com...I am wasting so much time!! Try it out...you upload a photo and Wah-la... That big shiny forehead on Adriana freaks me out... I don't have that. So, I was thinkin' since I look like these ladies...I should be able to have just as much cash and just as many men...right! Ha. Fat chance. I can't even keep some guy from Ohio.

Gone

This song I referenced in one of my first posts. It is on this morning in my home. I sent it to AK in an email. No words, just the song. I don't think I am going to answer the phone when he calls today. I have NO DESIRE to hear all about his night. I think he believes because he fills me in, that he is doing nothing wrong, and I have nothing to be upset about.
So, last night, he went to a "team building" event with co-workers at a place here that teaches you and your friends how to cook a meal. He is in sales, and just his center was going. SO, him and about 15 women. Yep, he is the only male at that location. So the ladies chose the event. I am sure they thought it seemed like a fun thing...and that AK would be "too cute" cooking with them. I just do not think it was necessary. They have team building events all of the time. He could have easily skipped this one. WHAT normal person thinks a guy would WANT to do that with 15 other girls??? UNLESS he was single and LOOKING!! Of course his version is that his coworkers are ugly and he is not interested in them...of course. Like every woman I question him about...fat and/or ugly. Afterwards he was going out with his guy friends. Well, he did not call last night when he got home, which means there is something he does not want to tell me. Something he knows I will not think is cool. For example all the ladies trying to help him learn to cook, fawning over and teasing mr. single coolguy. That and he probably ran into or met females last night and has no desire to disclose that to me, so he will avoid the topic. He will call today and try not to bring up last night at this point. Like it never happened. It's not earth shattering, the damn cooking shit, but this stuff is CONSTANT, and it is a compilation.
I think this whole thing is a matter of just deciding when I have had enough. I keep saying that I had enough after the first issue, but clearly not enough to let the relationship go. So, that brings up a good question. When is enough enough?? For me in any NEW relationship, it will be the mila second strike one happens. I know that seems harsh, but that is reality for me based on what I have experienced. Why do I keep lining up for this now then??
My therapist keeps telling me to ask myself if THIS is what I want my life to be. Plug in other words when necessary. Such as Husband. The answer of course is NO, so why am I still lining up?? She keeps telling me that I can have AK, but that I have to be willing to accept that THIS is what my life is then. There is an obvious disconnect between my head and heart.

Very Fitting Title

So, I have been MIA for a few days and before that not writing much about relationship issues.
Recently I have been reminded why I named this blog Lost in Waste. That is exactly what I feel like. Lost. Lost in the memories, lost in the confusion, lost lost lost. Lost in HOW this continues to happen. Lost in what I have ALLOWED my life to become. I have been functioning lately, but barely. I have been so unproductive. Sometimes not REALLY completing a single thing in an entire day. Then beating myself up for WASTING more of my life. I FORCE myself to get up and out the door now...even if to only get something to eat.
I am allowing myself to be depressed, but not letting anyone know that I am for the most part.
I am WASTING more time, I know. I injured my foot a few weeks back and kept running on it and kept working out because that is so important to me right now. Well, I think I may have hairline fractures now and I simply cannot workout, at least until after I see the doctor on Monday. That has been KEY to fighting back these foul moods, so it has been near impossible to combat this as of late.
When I get to really be in a funk, I feel Quiet inside, almost like an eerie calmness that is really deep inside me. That is where I am at. I am trying my damnedest to keep busy, to put on a smile, to fight through the day, but really I wish I could crumple up in a ball and cry or just get checked in somewhere so that I could just not have to exist in this hideous HARD day to day called life. Please don't read to much into this, I am in NO WAY a suicidal maniac, but I just feel so freaking tired of this stuff. WHY is it so hard to be HAPPY with me?? I don't want this to be my reality. I know I sound like a spoiled brat, but I do not deserve this. I am one of the ONLY people I have ever met that does not lie, cheat, nag, spend to much money, withhold sex, not like sex, live like a sloppy pig, ETC. ETC. yet I am one of the ONLY people I know that is not married or in a very serious relationship and/or has kids. I put in 110% into AK. I spent thousands upon thousands on him, I spent YEARS of my life, I invested ALL of my heart, soul, personality, existence into this LIFE with him. I deserve the payoff. I deserve the happy ever after. I was the one there when he was sick, sad, broke, immature, jobless, father dying, crazy mother, drugged out brother...keeping it all together. Doesn't that count for something?? I know countless married couples that don't help each other through that kind of uphill battle...especially if it takes years. I never flinched. Is this really WHY I did all that?? To be "best friends"??? If he says that one more time I swear to God I am going to dissolve into dust right on the spot. That is what it makes me feel like...nothing.
When we have "broken up" in the past...well, it is like we never really break up. It is like a vacation of sorts for him and a trip to hell for me. This is more serious, but along the same lines, and why shouldn't it be?? I set it up this way. We talk a few times a day, he comes over almost every day, we both question each other...but we are SINGLE. What a joke...on me. He is doing nothing wrong. He has told me that he wants to break up. I am a big girl, I know I can tell him to take a flying leap, but when the phone rings, I answer. When he asks to come over, I say of course. Then the weekend comes and he is MIA, out with the guys. He calls me when he gets home at 2:30-3, and I am again reminded how freaking sick this situation is. Not together, not apart. We have seen three movies together in the past week and a half for example. WHY does he ask me to go if he does not care?? Because I am convenient? He says I love you etc.
I am not a stupid woman. I just am sad. I just DON'T WANT this to be the truth. I want him to WAKE UP and to apologize, and to stop this yo-yo attitude, and I want to be calm and happy with him again. Why do I have to go through this?? I don't feel sorry for myself...I know that I should have faced this stuff and dealt with it a long time ago. I do feel tired of everyone just telling me that it will be okay, that I will find someone else, that he is a JERK. IKNOWIKNOWIKNOW. But it does NOT FEEL like it!!!!!!!! This is the ONE thing that I have wanted...why can't I have it?? What is most heartbreaking is that if I were to REALLY walk away tonight, it would be a matter of days, maybe weeks, before he would be ALL about making this work again. I just cannot take this. I have given away all of my power and I feel lost when I take it back. (When I don't see him or talk to him, I feel lost as well.) How am I the loser in this either way?? I wish there was anything that anyone could do.
Sorry for the hour long rant. I just needed to get it out.
I hope all is going well in your world(s), I have not really been up to reading lately!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnYsxQysN_0&mode=related&search

Happy Pumpkin Day!

These are a couple of my cutey nephews. That lions mane was just about as big

as the little guy and it totally cracked me up.

I am going to go out with Dinner Date Guy tonight to Mapleside. He has never been, so thought that might be very fitting for this evening. We may crack open a couple bottles of wine and pass out candy to the trick or treaters and with my best friend and her fiance afterwards! It is such a fun thing to do, I just wish I was doing it with you know who. I'll let ya know how it goes.

Well, Happy Halloween Everybody!

Any runners out there??

This is a really great site to map out your course route and to let ya know how much mileage you are logging. It takes a minute to figure out how to use it, but once you do...AWESOME!!

I have a slight foot injury, so that is bumming me out. I feel a bit like Forest Gump...when I am not in a good place, I just want to Run and Run and Run until it is out of my system. Here's hoping this dang foot heals soon so I can keep my spirits up!

*Anyone else feeling a little down today?? I am not super sad, just stuck and need to get moving forward again. It sure is harder than it sounds. I can't wait to be happy again.

High School Never Ends

So, I was alerted by some very "with it" women here in Blogland that one of the sites I read is a joke pretty much. They are on a smear campaign to let people know what is happening. Otherwise god only knows how many women would get wrapped up with this guy. I am very disappointed because I liked reading this guys page. He is married and was acting like he was single. He even contacted several ladies directly and later professed that he had feelings for them. This of course turns my stomach. WTF is WRONG with some people?? I have nothing invested in this person, but I find myself so guarded as it is. HOW do you trust ANYONE in this damn world?? No big loss for me, actually a much needed reminder to not be so trusting of people that have not earned it!
I am so glad for the people I am getting to know here and I understand that not everyone is a lying cheating rat. I would welcome a break from hearing how often people lie and deceive each other though. I am thinking about choosing one day of the week and making sure I post only positive stuff that day. A little break from the crap that will drag myself and everyone around me straight into the doldrums.

I seem to have a fetish for music...but this seemed so fitting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9uOM0voY3I

Ring The Alarm

This is what I am feelin' right now. It is on rapid repeat today as I clean my place!!
*Love the white dress/coat as a side note!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j980AUw5JC4

Funnies

Guess it is going around...Ha! That rooster has the right solution though!!

Trimming the claws...a bit.

The thing about dating a guy that is just plain HOT is that well, everyone else thinks he is hot also. Those super cute clothes I picked up for him (thinking how good he would look in them)...yeah, apparently others notice that he dresses better than most gay men and feel the need to tell him so... if not touch the item.


I never noticed if the men I dated were irritated by whatever attention I got when we went out. If they were we joked about it. Maybe because it's expected for a woman to be pretty and admired and that most men get a kick out of being with a girl who people gawk shamelessly at. The flipside, however, isn't that fantastic. I don't know if it's because men tend to be more respectful of women who are obviously taken, but I can tell you women practically shove me aside to chit-chat with AK. The hissing, claws-drawn look probably isn't me at my most attractive, and it has been the cause of COUNTLESS fights…I am SERIOUS when I say that the next time around I pick a great looking guy that isn't model material. Don't get me wrong, it is a nice feeling to have someone mention how good looking your man is, and I feel PROUD of that. But REALLY, the situation with all these women just BORES me now. It is really such a TURN OFF at this point, and it has been after let's say the first week of it. I WON'T be wasting my energy, thoughts and time on every disrespectful woman that crosses my path from now on. Why I ever did is such a joke!

Let me help ya out.

Dear Madonna,

I would think that with all that money you have, you would be surrounded with people that help you with your appearance. Clearly not. As repayment for supplying all of the lip syncing material for my slumber parties when I was 10, I will help you out for free!

Now I know there are more important things in the world...like adopting babies...too bad you had to go to Africa instead of looking in your own backyard at the kids that don't have ANY parents, but hey, at least you are doing it right?!

Anyways, let me help a girl out. Call my hair stylist at Charles Scott Salon here in Ohio. Ask for Lauren. I was just there, so I am confident that she can help you color in those roots there on the top of your head. She can even suggest and schedule a date for your return visit for basic upkeep. That is a surefire way to avoid such embarrassment while on a publicity tour. On your way feel free to swing by Victoria's Secret to pick up a bra or two. They make really comfortable kinds now...no more cone shapes (wait, that was only YOU that liked that style).
Your poor shirt appears to have been attacked by a rainbow colored fern while in Africa. (Maybe it ate your bra?? That could explain!) No worries. Next to the Secret you should be able to find an Ann Taylor or Black House White Market. They can suggest a cute little camisole or something!
You could call up your understudy Britney and make it a girl's day...she could use an image makeover as well after your stint as her mentor...you DID see her Matt Lauer interview right? (You were a close second with your interview today on Oprah don't worry!)
Stick your head in the sand when you pass the orphanages here in town. You should see Angelina Jolie and a few other celebrities down there to keep you company!
Sincerely,
Mack

My peeps.

So these lovely ladies are some of my very best friends. We do this little thing where once a month we rotate homes to host a girls night dinner party. We all decide in advance who is bringing what. This past weekend it was at my place. I made cream of pumpkin soup and served it up in hollowed out cooked mini pumpkins. It was a HUGE hit.

I decorated the table and had a box of Halloween wine charms for each of them as a little gift. (For the men in the group that may be wondering what the heck those are, they are little shaped trinkets that wrap or clip onto your wine glass stem to differentiate what glass belongs to who.) We also made and decorated caramel apples. This is one of our traditions now and it is always so fun.

I had the Jack-O-Lanterns going and they really all loved the carving job that AK did. He made a Grim reaper with a Sickle carved in the back of the pumpkin, so it shines up on the wall. We used a stencil, but it still was a really cool effect!!

It is a really neat story the way we all met up.

The girl with the dark hair and I became friends when she moved into my sleepy little town in the 8th grade. We soon figured out that we attended the same Kindergarten class years before in another city and thought it must be fate that we were brought back into each other's lives all those years later. She is the person I have been friends with the longest in this life.

Well, she and I took a ceramics class together some years back (we live very close to each other even though we moved out of that sleepy little town...another weird coincidence) and met the other two gals...they were there together. They knew each other from college. Our two little pairs seemed to click and we started hanging out and even taking other classes together...like cake decorating and belly dancing!!

Shortly after our dinner group formed and we have all been close friends since. We have done slumber parties and mother's day brunch for our girl's dinners. They always are a ton of fun. We make and eat so much food, it is amazing that we are not all fatties!! It really is nice to have this little event each month...something positive to look forward to.

The blond girl and I are constantly asked if we are sisters...I think we could be cousins from our looks. When people inquire I say yes and then ask who they think is the younger sis...She gets so pissed because I am two years older and most times they say me!! Silly little ego boost!! Now that I have my dark hair that should stop!!

Well, thought maybe you guys would like to see a sliver of the lighter side to my life.

Much ado about nothing.

Shattered is curious to learn 9 things about me...so here goes!!

1.) I hate smokers...
Well, not really the smokers themselves, but the fact that they smoke. I think when some say that drinking is the same thing they sound completely ignorant. I don't have to inhale someone else's drink...but secondhand smoke... I have NO IDEA why anyone would continue to do so after all the info that has been released on health related issues that occur because of smoking!! There is nothing more annoying than sitting next to a smoker at a restaurant or to leave a bar and be covered in smoke smell and residue.

2.) I am not good at hanging things on walls...
I have tried several times to learn, it is just not my forte.

3.) I was a Girl Scout...
And was totally into it. I went to G.S. summer camp at Camp Timberlane every year. Swim camp, Horse back riding, etc. I loved earning badges and going to the meetings and selling those dang cookies.

4.) I am a super picky eater/drinker...
Especially when it comes to onions and it's best fungus friend the Mushroom. I like peppers, but only raw, the cooked kind gross me out. Unless it is roasted red peppers IN things. Coconut...ewwww. This list is never ending. I have the palate of a child!

5.) Music heals me...
I think this is a little strange, but I relate to lyrics in songs and find myself listening to them until I get tired and move on to the next tune. There is some healing affect that singing/listening has on me!!

6.) I am a criminal...
Well, sort of. My record has been expunged. I was arrested 11 days before my 21st birthday on Spring Break for under age drinking. I sassed the cop. I asked him if he really thought I would be any more mature and able to handle my alcohol any better in 11 days. He said "clearly not". Then he took my mug shot. I was forced to either pay a $450 fine or do a day of community service. I had to paint a building being the poor college kid that I was. The officer watching over us that day favored me and told me to take breaks and sit in the shade for awhile or get something to drink often. He also let me do the trim...but only the low stuff!! The other juvenile delinquents were not so pleased about that. I still have the mug shot.

7.) I have OCD...
on some level for sure. I am a neat freak. I just hate clutter and dirt. So, I take about 10 minutes every day when I wake up to wipe down and organize my place. I vacuum once a day to combat cat hair (hey, I have two cats, that is a lot of hair). I do not like to shake people's hands because the stat's on people's hand washing skills (or lack thereof) freak me out. Oprah for instance did an undercover show on this and WELL over half of all people did not wash their hands after going to the bathroom. Think about all the guys getting off, wiping their butts, ETC. then shaking your hand. SO GROSS. I do not have a hand washing disorder like some people, but if at all possible, I will try to wash my hands before I eat or after I shake hands with someone.

8.) I have only taken one trip that involved an airplane...
we were poor growing up, so family trips involved piling into the car and driving around for a bit. I have not had the funds to travel anywhere really exciting, so long car trips are about it for me.
I was terrified when I did fly and honestly would be thrilled if I could visit the world without ever having to get on one of those again. That being said, I would love to skydive once!!

9.) I am the saver of all children and animals...
I did this online personality thing that claimed so and it has stuck with my friends and family.
I do have a way with kids and animals. I have been known to save several strays from danger...even if to just take them to the no kill shelter or to call animal control to help an injured animal of some sort. Kids, well, if teaching were more profitable I would be a preschool or kindergarten teacher for sure. I did teach preschool for a spell...I worried about the kids when I went home, and the children would get so attached to me that they would cry when the parents came to pick them up. It tore my heart out. I also felt badly because I think it hurt the parents feelings.

SO there you have it...a few useless facts about me.
I would love to hear some things about all of you, so tag you are it if you so choose...If not, next time I am naming names!!

Short post (that says a lot)

This about says it all:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o97gcmGgPmg&mode=related&search

Oh, and this peanut...my friend Jen's little dancing diva dress up queen. Just made me smile. Oh, to be that young and innocent again!!!!! Life was so much easier then...

I should get the nobel peace prize for this!

I have a way to solve this epidemic of cheating. Well, at least to bring it down to outbreak status. It is like a disease after all...(Seriously for some people) but always a rotting of self respect, a decaying of morals, and the death of countless relationships.

I was thinking that each and every spineless person that strays while in a committed relationship, be it marriage or otherwise, should have to register as a SEX OFFENDER. Seriously. We have wasted that title on the drudge of society and could easily make those other creeps register under what they really are instead of sugar coating it. Like...PEDOPHILE and RAPIST. Then you would know what you are getting at a glance...for all of us. No B.S.
"Oh, a RAPIST moved in down the street", not "Well, a sex offender now lives on main street"...that could be fing anything. Why should the burden be on me to go to the public records to see what kind of a sexual deviant you are?? Freak.

Now it would save unspeakable amounts of tears, heartbreak and TIME if people could see at a glance that a person is a sex offender: Someone that has sex that OFFENDS. Someone that has OFFENDED the other fucking person in their committed fucking relationship. Someone that has OFFENDED every person in their life including their family and friends by minimizing all the love and time they have spent building a life together.

Just think how great it would be. When you meet some hot guy/gal at the bar or match.com, or where-freaking-ever, you look up their name and ~ OOPS, that person is a sex offender, had three affairs!!...NEXT...no STD's for me thankyouverymuch. What about that new person you have been eyeing at work (most people meet at work god forbid)...well, look them up. Oh, registered loser?? Strayed on his wife/her long term boyfriend??...NO THANKS. Think of the time that would be saved. (The divorce rate would plummet.) Then if you choose to move forward it is your OWN freaking fault. You have the FACTS!! Remember if they did it to her/him, they will do it to YOU. Why in the hell would YOU (oh vain one) think that YOU are exempt from their slimy ways?? What's that?? They LOVE you. Do you really think that they DON'T/DIDN'T LOVE the person they are cheating on??

There could even be levels...like there are now for the weirdos that end up in the current system.
Level One: These could be the PIGS that are Addicted to Porn, who masturbate in extreme EXCESS (this is a REAL problem for some couples), maybe online and phone sex with others could be in this category. Still being unfaithful, but they keep it at home for the most part. Closet sex offenders.

Level Two: You know, the Sheep of the group. No brain of their own so they flirt shamelessly and kiss another person or two because they get wrapped up in the moment. All of their friends are doing it, etc. No physical intercourse, everything but. Maybe the person that keeps their ex in the back pocket with phone calls, email and the occasional drink or two. Knows that you would kick their ass if you could see them, but tell themselves that you will never find out.

Level Three: Lying, deceitful, sneaky, sex having DOGS. The possibility of contracting an STD from these people is pretty HIGH! The chances of getting a broken heart= 100%. People that frequent Strippers and Hookers for sex count here as well.

It would be like the modern day Scarlet A. When you would pull credit or apply for a job or move to a new city, everyone would have easy access to your info...letting them know that you are loyal to NO ONE. After all a woman or man that will stray/hurt the person that they love most in the world would surely stray/hurt the lesser relationships in their life.

Cheating is simply too nice of a word. Society deems this socially acceptable for the most part. Everyone is doing it. Cheating. What the hell is this?? A board game?? Hey, you didn't just skip a space on the board there did you buddy?? Re-roll the dice okay?? You tore my heart out and rerouted the course of MY LIFE. Fuck you, Now we BOTH lose. No Fing winners here. Thanks for playing.

I have a right to be informed, and not after I have fallen in love with some master manipulator that only lets me see his good side at all times. Some creeps will not care about this system...more power to them, there are enough people that stray, they can date each other. See how it feels when it is happening to THEM. I imagine for the most part that Mrs. CEO and Mr. All American will think twice if they knew their lude acts would be published in the Sunday paper for the whole town to see.

Oink, BAAA, Bow-freaking-wow.

I'll take "Cute Hair" for $200 Alex.

$200 + an 11:30 Appt at Charles Scott Salon + the need for some change = This woman's hair color on my head!!
The close ups are really far and few between (watch for :59 and 1:28 as examples), but THAT is what my hair will soon look like...only longer!! YEAH!!!
The song is one of my favorites and the lyrics are SO appropriate. Hope you like them as well!!
*You men that read deserve a little eye candy after listening to all this boo hooing. *
My hair is super super blond right now with a really dark shade underneath in the back, but I go to a full shade of brown for my winter look each October. Today is the day and I cannot wait!! I never get to worked up because the girl that does my hair is so talented. She has never screwed it up and we do some very modern cuts and colors, so I have faith in her abilities. However going from super blond to dark brown is such a shock, I always get a little pit in my stomach when she is getting ready to show me the finished product. Cross your fingers for me!

** Now if only I could get that body from the video...check back in about 6 months...I won't have THAT, but something close I hope after all this working out...I am on my way, as long as I stay away from the comfort food!!

Mixed Signals

So for the most part, I can see things clearly. When it comes to AK, I have never apparently done so. This week is no exception. Here are just a couple of examples:

Yesterday he calls to say he is coming over to change my tail light bulb and license plate light bulb as I was pulled over for them. When I said I would just take it to a body shop to have them do it, he said "We can do it ourselves. There is no reason we should pay someone to do it."

Over the weekend a friend of mine asked if I had any openings at the cleaning company. We don't currently, but I figured out that it is AK's cousin that wanted the position. (It is a long winded story) So I told him about it and he said "I would rather not mix family and business."

HUH?? Now, again I was not going to hire her, but now you can see a SLIVER of WHY I am so mixed up all the time. These comments are constant...yet we are not together?????? WTF??

I am going to just keep plugging away like I mentioned in one of my comments...

Every time I think we have made a decision... I shortly there after feel like this sick cycle is still spinning.

Have you guys experienced this?? Or am I the only one that is stuck??

This is not LIVING

So today Mr. AK who has been coming over every day and calling like a lunatic several times at least a day, was in the very best mood when he told me that he does not want to be in a relationship and does not want to get married right now. That he is too messed up and needs time to heal from that drama that happened this spring. That if we were to get married he knows we would be happy, but he just is not ready right now. And that he loves me. And that when he says that, he means he does not want to date ANYBODY at all, that he is not interested in someone else this time.

Now, first, we never had the we are back together talk, it was just heading that way...so thanks for pulling the rug out from under me again. No wonder I cannot get my confidence up past NILL. Next, we have been at this for OVER 8yrs. You aren't ready?? I think Mr. Fancy Pants just has gotten a bit too comfortable again and believes I will just be here forever...waiting...like I have been all along without truly realizing it.

I need to think. My eyes and head hurt from crying and I am missing my cousins wedding as I type. I just have NO desire to go celebrate someone else getting married at the moment. I know that is so selfish. I am worn out from all these highs and lows. I am tired of crying and/or from being too numb to cry.

I am not sure EXACTLY how to handle this, but I am going to be busy getting on with my life I can tell you that. When he left it was like he had just said some everyday random sentence. He gave me a hug and kiss and said that he would call me later. I just need to think...this is not living.

Traditions

We have our very first snowfall of the season here in Ohio people. I am always a child about this. It makes me so happy. I always call or grab AK to tell or show him...so we can share it together. Retarded yes, but tradition. WELLLL, yesterday AK stopped over during lunch and with the largest, most proud smile I have ever seen, announced that it was snowing. Not just a flake or two, but lots of beautiful white fluffy flying SNOW!!! Typically AK is cynical and although he laughs at me responds with "that is sleet" or "that is hail silly" because it is only a flake or two!! I liked that he was the one to get excited about our little tradition this year! I was beaming.

So today I think I will make the annual pumpkin pie I bake for him each year. Last year I cut out leaf shapes to place on top, this year I think I will add a twist by making a pumpkin chiffon pie. Much lighter and really yummy.

Last weekend I went out to Mapleside to get some fresh apple cider and Pettitti Garden Center to get mums and pumpkins to put on my back porch/door area. *That Pettitti site does nothing to really show how magnificent it is. 14 Acres of plants of every kind as well as every possible gardening item ever invented. I could spend hours there! Each year I enjoy taking in all the smells and sites at these two places...people galore, lots of kids events (i.e. face painting, hay rides, scary storytelling ETC.) and the baked apple smell wafing through the air...BLISS!!

Yeah, what was I saying yesterday about not focusing on work?? Case in point!

*I also am excited to say ADIOS to the worst spring and summer EVER. SEE YA!

I like these little traditions that we have...

Do you guys have any???

My very first MEME!

Thanks Solaris for tagging me...I have not felt like blogging a lot lately, so this gives me a good topic and let's you guys know a bit more about me!!

The Work Meme:

1. What is the best thing about your workplace?

I have two jobs. I own a small commercial cleaning company and I am in property management.
I love that I am my own boss and that I can set my own hours and wear what I want…even if that means P.J.’s. It is great to go to the bathroom or to grab something to eat without having to let anyone know first!!

2. What do you hate about your workplace?

It is easy to slack. I could be making much more money if I wouldn’t let small things pull me away from what I should be focusing on!!

3. What small irritance at your workplace really annoys you?

My cats like to lay on the paperwork that I am doing and/or in between me and the computer keyboard.
Oh, and I hate having to explain to every single person I meet that I do everything BUT the cleaning for my company.

4. Describe the actions/quirks of the weirdest person you work with.

Well, I work with myself. SO, with that being said it is that I do not push myself hard enough…it’s annoying to me. I have taken my real estate classes and just need to take the state and national exams to get licensed, but every day I put it off.

5. What is one thing that you would change at your workplace to make life a helluva lot better.

It would be in a new house, not this two bedroom apartment!!

I think everyone I know has already been tagged except for Frannie Farmer at You can't unscramble scrambled eggs...So you are IT!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA Slut!!

Nelson is the real last name of "Crazy" as we so affectionately call her. Nelson is what she very often goes by. Seems the whole world knows the truth. Here are apparently four more guys that know what AK (and unfortunately me) found out the hard way. We should have seen the signs...like THIS one!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Something to look forward to!!

My brother is moving back from Utah with his Girlfriend. It couldn't come at a better time.
She owned a yoga studio out there. So, when it came time to move in together, it seemed that it had to be Utah because of the business. His business is virtual, so he can go anywhere. Neither of them LOVE it out there. I guess that it is beautiful and heathly and all that, but they are ready to move on now that she closed her studio due to her partner starting to act shady.

My brother and I are VERY close. Other than AK and Amy (his g-friend) we are each other's best friend. We have other people we are very close to, but we know that no matter what, we have each other. We have been there through the ups and downs of life and only been closer for it.

I will be so glad to see him. He is a very motivating successful person. Just being around him makes me get my act together and vice versa. Can't wait. I could use a little positive momentum!!

**In world News: North Korea sucks.**

Scraped up heart.

Blogging about my relationship feels a bit like...

Being 4 and scraping my knee up.
I get to put a bandaid on the boo boo and when people come over I lift it up to show them that I have an ouchey. They of course tell me it is going to be all better soon (which makes the 4yr old keep doing it). Even when the scrape is gone, they still remember it and bring it up... maybe for attention or maybe from the lingering memory of the pain.

It feels a bit uncomfortable being 31 and doing this. I am not looking for "attention" rather other viewpoints and guidance.
I also cannot decide if I am helping myself by doing so...I think so, but does talking about this negative stuff just bring myself and others down?? Does it keep me in the past??
It felt really draining and extremely painful to write those last posts. I felt like I wanted to get it all out, but during the process I felt so sad. I cannot erase that stuff and it really pains me that someone that says he loves me more than anyone is the world is capable of doing those things to me. I could never hurt anyone like that, let alone the person I love most. I have learned to not trust him and worse yet to not trust myself. I know that if past actions are predictors of future actions, that I fail miserably. That bothers me. I know right from wrong. Why do I love this man that has decimated every shred of decency and innocence we had?? Why do I struggle with letting him go?? If he were to physically hurt me there would not even be a moments pause...I would leave. He hurts me emotionally and mentally and I stay???????? Cheating has always been a deal breaker in the past. It is like there is some sort of disconnect. There has been for years now. I need to find a way through that numbness.

8yrs of reflecting in progress

So back to taking care of pops. We thought he was dying any minute, so me ranting about being cheated on seemed out of place. I did a lot of crying and demanding while alone with AK, but had no REAL time to process or heal. I couldn't even take time to think about WHAT to do.
I did demand counseling regardless of how much his dad needed us. So, we started seeing our priest for couples counseling because it was Free. It seemed to help for awhile. His father hung on until April. Just a few days before my 30th birthday. Go figure. I know it sounds bitchy, but I never expect anything for birthdays, but for my 30th I did, not to mention what a shitty year it had been. I deserved a kick butt birthday. NO. We were cleaning out his fathers house to prepare it for putting it on the market that day. We had to hurry as the old coot did not leave anything but debt and we wanted to try to salvage the equity in the home. So, for my 30th I had a turkey wrap and a margarita with AK at a local bar. To get that I had to make us stop cleaning and packing and DEMAND that it was my birthday and that I was NOT going to spend the ENTIRE thing in this damn house. That makes me sad just to write it.

It took us until September of last year to tie up most legalities as he had nothing in order and AK's family was very difficult. They all were lining up fighting for anything they could even though they did not help us. Very sticky. We continued to spend every day together and I started to push for things to get back to normal.

AK had given up a very lucrative Pharm. Sales Rep job to help his dad the last 14 months, so I pulled some strings and he was back in a similar job by the beginning of 06. I made it clear that he needed to move out from his mother's place (he is 29...Pathetic) or I was tossing in the towel.
He started looking and in the beginning of March of this year he took an apartment 4 buildings down from me. We moved him in and decided that we would get engaged and figure out if we were buying or building a house or condo and that Life would FINALLY start. It was so nice to cook dinner together, so sleep together every night, to be a REAL couple again. I was so tired from all the work of the last few years, that I was more than pleased to start relaxing again. Things seemed to be going GREAT...
Then on March 13 he told me that he wanted to break up. That he loved me but was not in love with me. I was SOOOOOOOOO floored. I pleaded and asked him to reconsider and to talk things out with me. He was steadfast that there was not another woman, but that he just needed to make that move. That was at 7 a.m. I believed him and went to my parents for the day. At 7 p.m. I went to his place to talk to him. I had keys to his place, so as I was fumbling for them, this BEAUTIFUL girl walks out of his section of the building and opens the door for me. I remember thinking that maybe she came from his place, but that there was just NO way, that she was visiting the neighbor girl. Then he wouldn't answer his door. I walked around to his window and he shut off the light. I was reeling. He was not answering the phone. I was NOT going to be treated like this. I waited a half hour in that building and then went to my car, got the spare set of keys I had made (he did not know about) and let myself in. He was sitting in the bathroom naked reading the bible. I asked him why he wasn't answering and then again like a lightening bolt I GOT IT. I asked if he had company that night and he said "yes, but it is not what you think. She is a friend and I wanted someone that did not favor either of us to talk about the situation to." He said he had jumped in the shower because he felt Dirty because while there she expressed interest and he knew he had made a poor choice. We had a BLOWOUT fight. No yelling, just Viscious. I said things I didn't know I had in me. I tore him to the ground. It all was true, but I had always built him up, never tore him down, and it felt both good and bad all at once. I believed his little story. I thought they were interested in each other, but that is all.

We kept sleeping together. He admitted that he had since gone on a few dates and kissed her, but that no he had not slept with her. I was a wreck. My emotions were all over the place. I lost 13lbs in 13 days. Then one morning at 6 a.m. when he did not answer his phone, I drove over there and sat in his driveway. At 6:15 I saw what I feared. She walked out of there. I stopped her and we talked for a half hour. He had been cheating on me and their "anniversary" was March 10th. Three days before he told me he wanted to break up. She told me that the first day I saw her, they had just finished having sex on the brand new egyptian cotton sheets I bought him, in the bed I just picked out for our soon to be new place. She told me they had just finished having sex a few minutes ago as well and that they have it all the time, that he told her that he loved her, that she was his soulmate and that he was going to marry her. I told her we had just had sex hours before (that night before) and that I had also caught him looking at Porn videos afterwards (before he left my place) and that he was a sex addict. That he was seeking help for it and that she was not the first and would not be the last.
We went to the door. He opened it wearing the boxers he had on with me the night before (gross) and I just started repeating what she said to me...that he loved her, was going to marry her etc. Then I walked out...she stayed there. That was in April~ it was her birthday...Mine had just passed a few days prior. I remember saying "Oh, and Happy F'ing Birthday" to her.

I noticed her car was gone (I could see it every time I left my place) for a week, then it was back. He tried reaching me and I would not bite. He left notes on my car, VM's cards, etc. For one entire month I mourned and was in the depths of despair, but I did NOT communicate with him. Can you believe he moved in 4 buildings down??

Then just after one month he had a breakdown, he was crying like mad, calling me, sitting in my driveway for hours, etc. He was BEGGING ME to just hear him out, to let him aplogize, that he had dumped her and that he was sorry. That was June.
Because I was sick at that point too, and still am, I let him come over that next day after work. He told me that he finally got it...that he essentially was dating HIMSELF, that she was his twin. Superficial, Hot but worried about that and nothing else, selfish, ETC.
That he missed me so much and that they fought about me every day. That when she would talk about getting married and having kids he would miss me even more. That he finally BELIEVED that he was sick and needed help. Against my better judgement we had sex and made up for two whole days. He went back to her after that. He told me he felt obligated, like he had to finish what he started. I was pissed, but because I was so sick now as well, I was not going to let that be the end. We continued to have sex and on July 8th I left a note on her car that told her all about it. She dumped him. He called and said he understood why I did it.
We kept having sex and hanging out just like a couple that had not been going through all this Jerry Springer shit. I was constantly torn between what my brain was saying and my heart.

Then she called me and we talked for 5 hours. She gave me way too many details and I made it clear to her that he never loved her and that if she thought she had a life with him after a few months, let's compare notes on what a life with him was. She kept trying to make me believe that he loved her. I laughed and told her that he told me that sex with her was very unfulfilling not to mention all the other terrible things he said. I was not going to let this woman think she was ever anything more than the "other woman" that she was. It felt good.
Then she kept calling me that day. She told me that they had a miscarriage in April. I ALMOST DIED. She wanted to meet up to plan some sort of revenge on him. I told her I didn't even do that shit in Junior High and that she was on her own. I could not wait to see him. I wanted to slap his face and never look at him again.

So we met up. She had called him and left a message saying she had ruined things between us and that I would never speak to him again. So when he saw me he said "I understand Crazy (that is what we call her now) called you." I said "yep, and I know about the baby." He started laughing and said "Oh you mean the time she tried to say she was pregnant but when I made her take a test in front of me it came out negative...THAT baby?? She is just trying to hurt you because I told her that you and I were planning on getting married and starting a family when she came along." When I explained the story he was PISSED. He said "I will confess to everything that I have lied about and things that I have done, but there was no baby!!"
I then told him everything she told me...some things true, others he said she was just making up to make more of their relationship and to hurt me. I was pissed.
Then she called me again. To tell me she was pregnant. WTF. She then called his mom to tell her all about everything that had gone on and that she was having his child. She then started calling and texting him telling him that "He would never see his child" and that she was going to ruin his life. At this time she tortured us for about 5 days. She thought I hated him and was not speaking to him. Well, even though I was sick to my stomach, I gave her a little call and said "Crazy, I am SOOOO glad we got to chat the other day because it looks like you and I are going to have to be VERY close if you are having his baby...It appears I am going to be a step mom, and don't worry, I am GREAT with kids!! We are all getting so excited about having a little one." We also called her folks and left a VM explaining what she was doing.
That Bitch called him 15 minutes later to say there was no child and that she never wanted to hear from either of us.
It has been all recovery from there. I know I have left out hundreds of details that will surface in other posts, but I just needed to write the core of this because I need help. I am going to a therapist and trying to date, but AK and I are still doing this sick cycle. I am so sad and tired and I want to be married with kids and a house...And a life...with him. Sane Healthy AK.
Sorry for the long reads...I tired myself out with that.
I could use the comments.