Ohio. Games, Celebrations and Epiphany's.

So this is the weekend of all weekends here in Ohio. The GREAT match between Ohio State and Michigan is tomorrow. Dinner date guy is heading down there as I type. He is an alumnus and has season tickets with his family and a group of friends from school. I have to admit that his enthusiasm is contagious. I have a feeling OSU will win. Either way, it is fun to watch. It really is like a phenomena all the hype and the sheer number of fans for this team!!

Well, tomorrow is also my monthly dinner with the gals. We do a secret Santa each year so we don't have to spend a fortune on each other. We write down three things we would appreciate along with our name. We are exchanging tomorrow at our Thanksgiving feast because some of us wanted x-mas stuff. Also we have a total of 10 people coming to our December event (cookie & candy making/boxing and decorating) and we do not want to make anyone feel left out. ANYWAYS...my secret Santa sent me THIS ! It arrived a day early (no complaints here) and I am thrilled. Silly I know, but I have needed one of those for quite some time and just did not want to spend the money on something so stupid. It is sitting out on my cook top and when I walk by it just makes me smile! I can just imagine how much easier chocolate making will be with this!

Yesterday was AK's birthday. His 30th. We went out to a comedy club with his two closest guy friends, then out for more drinks. It was an eye opener. We were front and center (literally). I mean I could have reached out to touch the guy. Well, you know what comes next. OF COURSE he picks on our table...I mean, we are in front of him and it is AK's Bday. He starts off with this bit about LOVERS...yep, he looks AK right straight in the face and says "THIS girl your lover?" while pointing at me. He paused for a second and then shook his head NO. The guy said "NO???"
and AK said "No." The comedian pointed over to AK's best friend and said "What? THIS guy your lover?" Ha. He then proceeded to turn to the table next to us to ask the next guy. He of course said yes, and then the comedian instructed the guy to kiss her. The boyfriend grabbed the back of her neck and kissed her like he meant it. Not sure what the punchline was because I zoned out at that point.
I looked as composed as any other person in the room, but in that moment my life was changed forever. I know it should have been a million other things that did it, but a public announcement (rather denouncement) of me was it. I felt the switch go OFF inside. I felt so completely beyond emotion. I didn't feel like crying, I was not mad, embarrassed??~what for~it was no worse than chasing skirt around town while I was out proclaiming how close we were to engagement. Technically he didn't lie...we haven't had sex in one full month. I felt cold inside. Not bitter. Maybe empty. I was on auto pilot the remainder of the night. I did my good girl duties by being nice and smiling and not ruining anyones birthday, but I felt like going home and getting on with my life.

When I was driving us home I could tell there was a deep sadness in AK. I tried to talk to him about it, thought maybe it was because of the silly dreaded 30 mark. He said he was just tired. When I got settled in myself, I called him back and I didn't even need him to say hello. I knew he was crying. He sat on the telephone with me for 45 minutes and just cried. He said he was not upset about being 30, but he would not give up the cause in full. He just kept saying "Everything". I sat there and was amazed at how miserable we both had become. We used to be so happy. Our relationship is gone now though. I KNOW that now.

He came over today to use the computer. I needed to leave for about 15 minutes. When I returned, I saw that he had a porn screen minimized. It literally scares me how my brain and body reacts to this stuff now. I just shut off and it feels really scary. Vacant even. I asked him why and he said because he is a guy, not a female (meaning this is natural and what all guys do). So I asked him when he was going to get help and he replied "When I want to." Nail meet coffin. I reached in front of him, closed the window in full and reminded him of his broken promise once again to never do that on MY computer in MY home again. I then just got up and went to he adjoining bedroom and laid there. He came in apologized and said that he was sorry for disrespecting me. It fell on deaf ears. The switch is off. It will never be back on for him.

Good Grief

Dilemna #4,125,689,547,859.
Dinner date guy.
He is so great. Gentle, thoughtful, fun, witty, educated, INTO ME...cute enough.
Last night I hung out with him...
I emailed him first and said "I am taking myself out of the dating pool for a bit…care to grab a drink in a little while to chat about that…or ignore that (as you may care less) and down a couple anyways??"
We had a blast grabbing drinks and then dinner later on. Then he came back to my place and I assumed that he wanted to talk about the email because he did not bring it up at all earlier.

So, we started talking about the email...he read it quickly and what HE THOUGHT I meant was that I was taking myself out of the dating pool because I liked HIM.
OMG. Did I say OMG?? O.M.G. It went something like this...

HIM: Wait a second, back up, what you wrote...it is BAD for ME??"
ME: (I took in some air first and cursed email) "Well, I'm not sure...I mean you have never really said if you like me or not...or if you like 10 other women at the same time even."
HIM: "So, say that I DO like you...is this BAD for ME??
Me: (feeling like I am going to pass out) "Ummm. Yes."
**Crickets**
HIM: "So talk to me about what you mean."
Me: (Insert some fumbling around with words while I trip over my tongue and thoughts)
HIM: "So, for the record. You know I like you right?? I like you."

WOW. Double WOW.

We talked for about an hour after that. He was GREAT. He played with my hair the entire time (I MELT FOR THAT) and listened and talked and respected where I was at. I said SOME things about the situation with A.K. but not very much. I wanted to let him know why I am where I am without overloading on the Jerry Springer transcript. I think he got as much as possible with the limited info I was offering up. He told me to do what is best for me and to not worry about other people, and to take all the time I need.

I need a rewind button...anyone have one I can borrow?? Just to use to get back the last 8+ yrs.

It's not your fault.

When you see other people as they are without taking it personally, you can never be hurt by what they say or do. Even if others lie to you, it is okay. They are lying to you because they are afraid you will discover that they are not perfect.

It's not your fault. It's NOT your fault.

** I am trying very hard to learn this lesson and to find peace in it.