So back to taking care of pops. We thought he was dying any minute, so me ranting about being cheated on seemed out of place. I did a lot of crying and demanding while alone with AK, but had no REAL time to process or heal. I couldn't even take time to think about WHAT to do.
I did demand counseling regardless of how much his dad needed us. So, we started seeing our priest for couples counseling because it was Free. It seemed to help for awhile. His father hung on until April. Just a few days before my 30th birthday. Go figure. I know it sounds bitchy, but I never expect anything for birthdays, but for my 30th I did, not to mention what a shitty year it had been. I deserved a kick butt birthday. NO. We were cleaning out his fathers house to prepare it for putting it on the market that day. We had to hurry as the old coot did not leave anything but debt and we wanted to try to salvage the equity in the home. So, for my 30th I had a turkey wrap and a margarita with AK at a local bar. To get that I had to make us stop cleaning and packing and DEMAND that it was my birthday and that I was NOT going to spend the ENTIRE thing in this damn house. That makes me sad just to write it.
It took us until September of last year to tie up most legalities as he had nothing in order and AK's family was very difficult. They all were lining up fighting for anything they could even though they did not help us. Very sticky. We continued to spend every day together and I started to push for things to get back to normal.
AK had given up a very lucrative Pharm. Sales Rep job to help his dad the last 14 months, so I pulled some strings and he was back in a similar job by the beginning of 06. I made it clear that he needed to move out from his mother's place (he is 29...Pathetic) or I was tossing in the towel.
He started looking and in the beginning of March of this year he took an apartment 4 buildings down from me. We moved him in and decided that we would get engaged and figure out if we were buying or building a house or condo and that Life would FINALLY start. It was so nice to cook dinner together, so sleep together every night, to be a REAL couple again. I was so tired from all the work of the last few years, that I was more than pleased to start relaxing again. Things seemed to be going GREAT...
Then on March 13 he told me that he wanted to break up. That he loved me but was not in love with me. I was SOOOOOOOOO floored. I pleaded and asked him to reconsider and to talk things out with me. He was steadfast that there was not another woman, but that he just needed to make that move. That was at 7 a.m. I believed him and went to my parents for the day. At 7 p.m. I went to his place to talk to him. I had keys to his place, so as I was fumbling for them, this BEAUTIFUL girl walks out of his section of the building and opens the door for me. I remember thinking that maybe she came from his place, but that there was just NO way, that she was visiting the neighbor girl. Then he wouldn't answer his door. I walked around to his window and he shut off the light. I was reeling. He was not answering the phone. I was NOT going to be treated like this. I waited a half hour in that building and then went to my car, got the spare set of keys I had made (he did not know about) and let myself in. He was sitting in the bathroom naked reading the bible. I asked him why he wasn't answering and then again like a lightening bolt I GOT IT. I asked if he had company that night and he said "yes, but it is not what you think. She is a friend and I wanted someone that did not favor either of us to talk about the situation to." He said he had jumped in the shower because he felt Dirty because while there she expressed interest and he knew he had made a poor choice. We had a BLOWOUT fight. No yelling, just Viscious. I said things I didn't know I had in me. I tore him to the ground. It all was true, but I had always built him up, never tore him down, and it felt both good and bad all at once. I believed his little story. I thought they were interested in each other, but that is all.
We kept sleeping together. He admitted that he had since gone on a few dates and kissed her, but that no he had not slept with her. I was a wreck. My emotions were all over the place. I lost 13lbs in 13 days. Then one morning at 6 a.m. when he did not answer his phone, I drove over there and sat in his driveway. At 6:15 I saw what I feared. She walked out of there. I stopped her and we talked for a half hour. He had been cheating on me and their "anniversary" was March 10th. Three days before he told me he wanted to break up. She told me that the first day I saw her, they had just finished having sex on the brand new egyptian cotton sheets I bought him, in the bed I just picked out for our soon to be new place. She told me they had just finished having sex a few minutes ago as well and that they have it all the time, that he told her that he loved her, that she was his soulmate and that he was going to marry her. I told her we had just had sex hours before (that night before) and that I had also caught him looking at Porn videos afterwards (before he left my place) and that he was a sex addict. That he was seeking help for it and that she was not the first and would not be the last.
We went to the door. He opened it wearing the boxers he had on with me the night before (gross) and I just started repeating what she said to me...that he loved her, was going to marry her etc. Then I walked out...she stayed there. That was in April~ it was her birthday...Mine had just passed a few days prior. I remember saying "Oh, and Happy F'ing Birthday" to her.
I noticed her car was gone (I could see it every time I left my place) for a week, then it was back. He tried reaching me and I would not bite. He left notes on my car, VM's cards, etc. For one entire month I mourned and was in the depths of despair, but I did NOT communicate with him. Can you believe he moved in 4 buildings down??
Then just after one month he had a breakdown, he was crying like mad, calling me, sitting in my driveway for hours, etc. He was BEGGING ME to just hear him out, to let him aplogize, that he had dumped her and that he was sorry. That was June.
Because I was sick at that point too, and still am, I let him come over that next day after work. He told me that he finally got it...that he essentially was dating HIMSELF, that she was his twin. Superficial, Hot but worried about that and nothing else, selfish, ETC.
That he missed me so much and that they fought about me every day. That when she would talk about getting married and having kids he would miss me even more. That he finally BELIEVED that he was sick and needed help. Against my better judgement we had sex and made up for two whole days. He went back to her after that. He told me he felt obligated, like he had to finish what he started. I was pissed, but because I was so sick now as well, I was not going to let that be the end. We continued to have sex and on July 8th I left a note on her car that told her all about it. She dumped him. He called and said he understood why I did it.
We kept having sex and hanging out just like a couple that had not been going through all this Jerry Springer shit. I was constantly torn between what my brain was saying and my heart.
Then she called me and we talked for 5 hours. She gave me way too many details and I made it clear to her that he never loved her and that if she thought she had a life with him after a few months, let's compare notes on what a life with him was. She kept trying to make me believe that he loved her. I laughed and told her that he told me that sex with her was very unfulfilling not to mention all the other terrible things he said. I was not going to let this woman think she was ever anything more than the "other woman" that she was. It felt good.
Then she kept calling me that day. She told me that they had a miscarriage in April. I ALMOST DIED. She wanted to meet up to plan some sort of revenge on him. I told her I didn't even do that shit in Junior High and that she was on her own. I could not wait to see him. I wanted to slap his face and never look at him again.
So we met up. She had called him and left a message saying she had ruined things between us and that I would never speak to him again. So when he saw me he said "I understand Crazy (that is what we call her now) called you." I said "yep, and I know about the baby." He started laughing and said "Oh you mean the time she tried to say she was pregnant but when I made her take a test in front of me it came out negative...THAT baby?? She is just trying to hurt you because I told her that you and I were planning on getting married and starting a family when she came along." When I explained the story he was PISSED. He said "I will confess to everything that I have lied about and things that I have done, but there was no baby!!"
I then told him everything she told me...some things true, others he said she was just making up to make more of their relationship and to hurt me. I was pissed.
Then she called me again. To tell me she was pregnant. WTF. She then called his mom to tell her all about everything that had gone on and that she was having his child. She then started calling and texting him telling him that "He would never see his child" and that she was going to ruin his life. At this time she tortured us for about 5 days. She thought I hated him and was not speaking to him. Well, even though I was sick to my stomach, I gave her a little call and said "Crazy, I am SOOOO glad we got to chat the other day because it looks like you and I are going to have to be VERY close if you are having his baby...It appears I am going to be a step mom, and don't worry, I am GREAT with kids!! We are all getting so excited about having a little one." We also called her folks and left a VM explaining what she was doing.
That Bitch called him 15 minutes later to say there was no child and that she never wanted to hear from either of us.
It has been all recovery from there. I know I have left out hundreds of details that will surface in other posts, but I just needed to write the core of this because I need help. I am going to a therapist and trying to date, but AK and I are still doing this sick cycle. I am so sad and tired and I want to be married with kids and a house...And a life...with him. Sane Healthy AK.
Sorry for the long reads...I tired myself out with that.
I could use the comments.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Boy this is a lot of Reflecting...
So, I kick him out. He moves to the basement of his mother's place 15 minutes away. Not quite was I was thinking. I was hoping he would get his own place and start growing up. YEAH, that NEVER happened. Now the case was that he was not living with me and we were still in Limbo, still miserable but not letting go 100%, still floundering. I just wanted him to act like the man I fell in love with. He was sweet and caring and honest and Loving. Now he was arrogant and deceitful and running around acting like a pimp. So stupid and hurtful. We continued to date and I re-dedicated myself to the relationship. Not that I ever really left, but I stopped trying so much. Well, I made it my mission to once again SHOW him how much I cared, that I loved ONLY him and that I NEEDED us to move past all this junk and get going with our lives.
Things seemed great as long as I was giving and never complaining. He was still the same...giving just enough to keep me there.
Then he threw out the "I need a break" line. WHATEVER. We had our routine down pat and we talked or saw each other every minute of the day, so when he did not answer his telephone after the bar that night and did not call me, I jumped in my car and drove over to his mothers house. His parents were on a vacation and had just left. Wouldn't ya know it when I pulled in the driveway there was another car with a dress hanging in the back. I still remember the panic and heartbreak and again that pure paralyzing SHOCK. I was so calm...I did not cry. I stood there in my P.J.'s and very methodically rang the doorbell OVER AND OVER AND OVER for a very long time. I thought to myself, "whoever that bitch is, she is going to KNOW about me...there is NO WAY he is going to lie and act like I do not exist." I knew they were laying there and that she was most likely pissed, so I kept ringing that bell. I knew his heart must have been pounding and that he was sick to his stomach knowing that I knew. I could see the flickering light from his television set and I felt empty. I left. I just drove home and did laundry. It was like 3:30 in the morning. I have no idea why I did laundry...I just wanted to!!
That little episode took me a good year to recover from. We of course stayed together through it with his promises that he loved me and that he was sorry and that he did not care about her etc. etc. I think by that time I was a shell of myself. I was not all there emotionally. I started gaining weight. I stopped hanging out with my friends a whole lot. I barely wanted to shower let alone look good or work on my career or anything else. He kept working out and looking better and better and gaining more and more friends. I felt so alone and lost and I cried all of the time.
Then his dad was diagnosed with Cancer. That was just over three years ago now. We sprung into action. He declined quickly and because his dad was such a jerk (that is another post) AK and I were the only ones really there to care for him. SO, every day we would go to work and then go straight to his fathers house or the hospital and care for this ailing man. It was ALL we did for the better part of the last couple years. We spent every holiday IN the hospital with him. I missed my 10yr reunion, I gave up my life. I did so knowing that AK was my family and someday my husband. All talk of getting engaged stopped (why we were thinking that anyways is a mystery).
We plugged away at things until December. He planned a get away to CA to visit some buddies. I was hoping that he would come back rejuvenated and I decided to get my wisdom teeth out then. That way I could sleep it off and recover without burdening him much. I got my teeth pulled, he went with me and that night I took him to the airport. We agreed to not talk much while he was there so he could get himself straight and have some time to miss me. I was on my death bed I SWEAR so I was fine with that. Oxycodone does not work with someone that barely takes aspirin or any meds at all. I was in another world.
Late late night I get a call from him. He wants to come home, he is fighting back tears I can tell. He is rambling about having a nervous stomach and how much he loves me and how sorry he is for all the trouble we have had. Me, finally letting go of all past BS (also so drugged up and in pain that he could have murdered me and I would have not missed a beat) I say "Honey, WHAT is wrong. No you are not coming home, you just got there...go have fun with the guys. I love you and will see you when you return." Etc.
We broke our promise to not talk all of the time and called several times when he was there. I called once or twice and the red flags peeked out but I shoved them down and told myself that I was over being an untrusting hurt girlfriend. He stayed in and was watching TV that next night...said he did not feel well, so the guys left him behind...Hmmmm. Then when I talked to him again he was alone at a greek orthodox church saying a prayer...Hmmm, where were the guys and why was he is church saying a prayer in the middle of vacation to CA?? I let it go.
That was the first weekend of December. When he returned he was SOOOO nice. I was in Heaven and everyone we knew thought he was going to propose near Christmas. He was being so loving and I could not have been happier. All of December was picture perfect!!
My parents have a big bash the day after X-Mas every year. When we arrived AK was acting SO strange. He said that his stomach really hurt and that he wanted to leave as soon as we opened gifts and ate. Rude, but we did it. When we were in the car driving home he asked if we could put on PJ's and lay in bed, that he had something to tell me. I knew right then that it was VERY bad. We did so when we got to my place and he just started crying for a very long time. He then was just begging me over and over not to leave him. I just stared at him in shock and I tried to comfort him by telling him I would never leave. Then it all just CLICKED in me. I asked if there was someone else again...He said yes...for the last 6 MONTHS. I asked if she was in CA and he said yes. The trip was to see and stay with her, and that mid way through having sex with her he started crying and stopped, locked himself in her bathroom, then got dressed and went outside to call me to say he wanted to come home. OMG. I KNEW then that this was not just a cheating jerkoff, that he had some kind of illness. Why would he cry?? Why would he tell me?? Why would he keep doing this?? Now all of December went by and he came home to me and picked right up where we left off...I felt ridiculous breaking up after the fact. I was just trying to think when the phone rang the next morning. His father was rushed to the hospital...and we needed to get there, it was bad.
Things seemed great as long as I was giving and never complaining. He was still the same...giving just enough to keep me there.
Then he threw out the "I need a break" line. WHATEVER. We had our routine down pat and we talked or saw each other every minute of the day, so when he did not answer his telephone after the bar that night and did not call me, I jumped in my car and drove over to his mothers house. His parents were on a vacation and had just left. Wouldn't ya know it when I pulled in the driveway there was another car with a dress hanging in the back. I still remember the panic and heartbreak and again that pure paralyzing SHOCK. I was so calm...I did not cry. I stood there in my P.J.'s and very methodically rang the doorbell OVER AND OVER AND OVER for a very long time. I thought to myself, "whoever that bitch is, she is going to KNOW about me...there is NO WAY he is going to lie and act like I do not exist." I knew they were laying there and that she was most likely pissed, so I kept ringing that bell. I knew his heart must have been pounding and that he was sick to his stomach knowing that I knew. I could see the flickering light from his television set and I felt empty. I left. I just drove home and did laundry. It was like 3:30 in the morning. I have no idea why I did laundry...I just wanted to!!
That little episode took me a good year to recover from. We of course stayed together through it with his promises that he loved me and that he was sorry and that he did not care about her etc. etc. I think by that time I was a shell of myself. I was not all there emotionally. I started gaining weight. I stopped hanging out with my friends a whole lot. I barely wanted to shower let alone look good or work on my career or anything else. He kept working out and looking better and better and gaining more and more friends. I felt so alone and lost and I cried all of the time.
Then his dad was diagnosed with Cancer. That was just over three years ago now. We sprung into action. He declined quickly and because his dad was such a jerk (that is another post) AK and I were the only ones really there to care for him. SO, every day we would go to work and then go straight to his fathers house or the hospital and care for this ailing man. It was ALL we did for the better part of the last couple years. We spent every holiday IN the hospital with him. I missed my 10yr reunion, I gave up my life. I did so knowing that AK was my family and someday my husband. All talk of getting engaged stopped (why we were thinking that anyways is a mystery).
We plugged away at things until December. He planned a get away to CA to visit some buddies. I was hoping that he would come back rejuvenated and I decided to get my wisdom teeth out then. That way I could sleep it off and recover without burdening him much. I got my teeth pulled, he went with me and that night I took him to the airport. We agreed to not talk much while he was there so he could get himself straight and have some time to miss me. I was on my death bed I SWEAR so I was fine with that. Oxycodone does not work with someone that barely takes aspirin or any meds at all. I was in another world.
Late late night I get a call from him. He wants to come home, he is fighting back tears I can tell. He is rambling about having a nervous stomach and how much he loves me and how sorry he is for all the trouble we have had. Me, finally letting go of all past BS (also so drugged up and in pain that he could have murdered me and I would have not missed a beat) I say "Honey, WHAT is wrong. No you are not coming home, you just got there...go have fun with the guys. I love you and will see you when you return." Etc.
We broke our promise to not talk all of the time and called several times when he was there. I called once or twice and the red flags peeked out but I shoved them down and told myself that I was over being an untrusting hurt girlfriend. He stayed in and was watching TV that next night...said he did not feel well, so the guys left him behind...Hmmmm. Then when I talked to him again he was alone at a greek orthodox church saying a prayer...Hmmm, where were the guys and why was he is church saying a prayer in the middle of vacation to CA?? I let it go.
That was the first weekend of December. When he returned he was SOOOO nice. I was in Heaven and everyone we knew thought he was going to propose near Christmas. He was being so loving and I could not have been happier. All of December was picture perfect!!
My parents have a big bash the day after X-Mas every year. When we arrived AK was acting SO strange. He said that his stomach really hurt and that he wanted to leave as soon as we opened gifts and ate. Rude, but we did it. When we were in the car driving home he asked if we could put on PJ's and lay in bed, that he had something to tell me. I knew right then that it was VERY bad. We did so when we got to my place and he just started crying for a very long time. He then was just begging me over and over not to leave him. I just stared at him in shock and I tried to comfort him by telling him I would never leave. Then it all just CLICKED in me. I asked if there was someone else again...He said yes...for the last 6 MONTHS. I asked if she was in CA and he said yes. The trip was to see and stay with her, and that mid way through having sex with her he started crying and stopped, locked himself in her bathroom, then got dressed and went outside to call me to say he wanted to come home. OMG. I KNEW then that this was not just a cheating jerkoff, that he had some kind of illness. Why would he cry?? Why would he tell me?? Why would he keep doing this?? Now all of December went by and he came home to me and picked right up where we left off...I felt ridiculous breaking up after the fact. I was just trying to think when the phone rang the next morning. His father was rushed to the hospital...and we needed to get there, it was bad.
More reflecting
So, to pick up where we left off. I returned home and things were BLISS for awhile. Then the same B.S. He was going out on the weekends with "the guys"...Every weekend. Same cheesy bars. Once he came home from said bar(s) (before FL. actually) and was all over me telling me how much he loved me and trying to make me understand that...I was sound asleep and was just glad he was home...then he told me that he kissed another girl that night. Someone that he went to high school with, someone he had not seen in yrs...that they were drunk and catching up for a long time, then right there in the bar in front of their friends she kissed him...and he kissed her back until HER FRIEND said " WHAT in the hell are you two doing...AK, you just told us you are in love with your girlfriend..." He said that in that moment he felt sick to his stomach and just wanted to get home to me...that he was embarrassed for himself and me and that he did not truly WANT to kiss her, that he was just drunk and not thinking straight.
WELL, me being the super cool still confident girlfriend that I was back then before FL, I said "Stop freaking out honey. I hate that it happened, and it better not ever again, but you came home and told me, you were drunk and it was a huge mistake that She initiated". He could not eat for two days. This story bothers me more now because I can link all of this together...at the time I did not fully get it. I thought it was a quick drunk kiss. I am sure it was, but looking back now I can see how much trouble we really were in...back then I thought he was just being an immature young jerk from time to time.
So back to after FL. He was going to those damn bars EVERY weekend and we were fighting on a regular basis. The porn did not stop...at least for any length of time. We had a lot of great times...and I will fill those in on different posts, but right now I just want to get through the destruction of our relationship...then I can go back to fill in all the good stuff.
Before we broke up the first time I was annoyed with him and I said the most shallow out of form thing I have ever even thought. He was pressing me about what I thought of him and for some damn reason in the mix of describing him, I said he was "scrawny". OMG. I am not shallow or superficial like that at all. I must have had a momentary lapse into pure ignorance. That comment really changed him forever. He skipped right over the good stuff I said and only heard that word. He started working out ALL of the time.
SO, now back to post Fl. again...he was working out still and starting to look really HOT. Lots of girls were telling him so. He seemed to be basking in the attention. We started fighting about THAT. I was used to being cute enough to get attention growing up. I was not phased. I knew how to handle it...this one, well, he had never had it...so at 23/24 he was experiencing a whole new world. I left again for FL. the next spring...same place, same story. I needed to get away from him. We both were again miserable. I was faithful in the midst of thousands and thousands of Spring Breakers/People on vacation, so I again thought this meant something. He drove down again and we happily headed back home. For the most part that went on a total of 4yrs. I found myself at my wits end each spring and running away to Fl. to try to escape this sick pattern we were in. Also, I started to recognize that I wanted him to come get me, to show me that he cared. Sick I know. The last year he did not come down for me, and the week I was coming home he confessed to me that he had reconnected with his EX. Just to get closure...that they had hung out and had been calling each other and that she knew all about me. I saw RED in the worst way. Here I am in FL. being miss faithful and this one can't handle being alone, so he looks up the bitch that he caught in bed (literally) with another man.
WELL, I drove home and when I got there, he was ALL about being all over me. I was SO NOT into it. I told him that he was moving out, that I had had enough of ALL of the girls...everywhere we turned there was another girl story and I was sick of it. Not coming down so he could stay and "get closure" from someone he dated YEARS ago was the last straw.
He begged for a few more weeks, he cried and I saw that he was doing the same thing he had been doing for yrs. now. I was torn up, but now cold. I made him move out. It still makes me sick thinking about that time as well. I will fill ya in on that story next...this is draining me.
WELL, me being the super cool still confident girlfriend that I was back then before FL, I said "Stop freaking out honey. I hate that it happened, and it better not ever again, but you came home and told me, you were drunk and it was a huge mistake that She initiated". He could not eat for two days. This story bothers me more now because I can link all of this together...at the time I did not fully get it. I thought it was a quick drunk kiss. I am sure it was, but looking back now I can see how much trouble we really were in...back then I thought he was just being an immature young jerk from time to time.
So back to after FL. He was going to those damn bars EVERY weekend and we were fighting on a regular basis. The porn did not stop...at least for any length of time. We had a lot of great times...and I will fill those in on different posts, but right now I just want to get through the destruction of our relationship...then I can go back to fill in all the good stuff.
Before we broke up the first time I was annoyed with him and I said the most shallow out of form thing I have ever even thought. He was pressing me about what I thought of him and for some damn reason in the mix of describing him, I said he was "scrawny". OMG. I am not shallow or superficial like that at all. I must have had a momentary lapse into pure ignorance. That comment really changed him forever. He skipped right over the good stuff I said and only heard that word. He started working out ALL of the time.
SO, now back to post Fl. again...he was working out still and starting to look really HOT. Lots of girls were telling him so. He seemed to be basking in the attention. We started fighting about THAT. I was used to being cute enough to get attention growing up. I was not phased. I knew how to handle it...this one, well, he had never had it...so at 23/24 he was experiencing a whole new world. I left again for FL. the next spring...same place, same story. I needed to get away from him. We both were again miserable. I was faithful in the midst of thousands and thousands of Spring Breakers/People on vacation, so I again thought this meant something. He drove down again and we happily headed back home. For the most part that went on a total of 4yrs. I found myself at my wits end each spring and running away to Fl. to try to escape this sick pattern we were in. Also, I started to recognize that I wanted him to come get me, to show me that he cared. Sick I know. The last year he did not come down for me, and the week I was coming home he confessed to me that he had reconnected with his EX. Just to get closure...that they had hung out and had been calling each other and that she knew all about me. I saw RED in the worst way. Here I am in FL. being miss faithful and this one can't handle being alone, so he looks up the bitch that he caught in bed (literally) with another man.
WELL, I drove home and when I got there, he was ALL about being all over me. I was SO NOT into it. I told him that he was moving out, that I had had enough of ALL of the girls...everywhere we turned there was another girl story and I was sick of it. Not coming down so he could stay and "get closure" from someone he dated YEARS ago was the last straw.
He begged for a few more weeks, he cried and I saw that he was doing the same thing he had been doing for yrs. now. I was torn up, but now cold. I made him move out. It still makes me sick thinking about that time as well. I will fill ya in on that story next...this is draining me.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Reflecting Con't
So last we left off AK was moving into my one bedroom suite with no warning. We have a very tight bond and part of that is because both sets of parents were not so hot to say the least. We were able to connect and be each others family if you will. We are SO close, yet have always struggled as well. Very strange to have both elements so front and center.
So, what I remember about living together was how nice it was to come home to him and vice versa. I remember sleeping next to each other and loving every minute of it. ETC. ETC.
But the trouble began when he purchased our home computer to use for school. He would come to bed later than I was and say he was studying. Then I noticed that he would click off when I entered the room sometimes. The red flags were flying. SO, when a nude picture of Carmen Electra popped up when I was using the computer I was not happy. I asked him about it and he gave me the old "once you click on something on accident, those things just keep popping up randomly and there is nothing you can do about it." Hmmm. Some time passed and I started snooping through the files etc. What I found was beyond disgusting. HUNDREDS and HUNDREDS of pictures. He was so apologetic, but then I found DISKS...MANY MANY disks full of that junk. Then I found printed out pictures under our mattress...oh yes, the one I slept on...WE slept on. I plastered them all over the apartment and jumped in the shower when I knew he would be coming home. I knew by his silence that he understood just how F'd he was. Needless to say, things were very very bad then. The last straw was when he left for school one morning and I hit the back button on the computer. It worked (there could be a lawsuit there I bet). He had posted his profile on dating sites. That was before it was the cool thing to do. I WAS BEYOND PISSED reading the emails and his profile. SO, when he came home, I was sitting at the computer and in the coldest possible voice I demanded that he open up his personal email this very moment or he was in the street. He started BEGGING me and CRYING . I was stone at this point and I repeated myself. He opened it and there were hundreds of emails. ALL I remember is opening one and reading that, well...he was having ONLINE SEX with some headnurse@hotmail.com ...and it was NASTY. I went into literal shock. It is the closest I have ever been to crazy...I think I may have been there actually. I just fell to the floor and started saying NO over and over and over without pause. He was crying (and deleting everything he could I later realized). He was pleading with me to stop saying that but I couldn't for a very long time. He was so scared that he threatened to call someone to help. So I stopped saying NO, but then it instantly turned to PLEASE. I was saying it so often and fast that I was starting to hypervenilate. He kept saying "please what? baby, tell me I'll do anything" but I COULD NOT talk. I just kept thinking "PLEASE tell me this is all some sick joke or lie". SO I almost passed out from not breathing and that is when I stopped saying Please like a lunatic. Then I just lay there. At some point I had moved to the bathroom floor from the computer. I remember that whole time I would start to cry, but then instantly stop. I remember thinking my eyes were very wide and then I was EXHAUSTED and I just lay there. Paralyzed. I don't even remember fighting afterwards...that is all blocked out of my memory. I guess as a defense mechanism. That was one of the most painful times of my life. I kept wondering why?? We had a very healthy sex life...multiple times a day, any position possible...we both talked about how happy we were in that department. That being said, I am pretty prude unless I am in a serious relationship. I had NEVER looked at porn. I saw stuff I still wish I hadn't. I remember thinking that he was perverted and disgusting. I felt that he was a stranger and that the last couple years of my life were a lie.
The next day I told him I was leaving the state, that I was making arrangements to get out of town for a couple of months. I bartended in FL through spring break for two months. It made him crazy and it made me homesick for him. We stayed together...he drove to Fl. to come get me, to bring me back home. I thought things would be better as promised from there on out...little did I know.
So, what I remember about living together was how nice it was to come home to him and vice versa. I remember sleeping next to each other and loving every minute of it. ETC. ETC.
But the trouble began when he purchased our home computer to use for school. He would come to bed later than I was and say he was studying. Then I noticed that he would click off when I entered the room sometimes. The red flags were flying. SO, when a nude picture of Carmen Electra popped up when I was using the computer I was not happy. I asked him about it and he gave me the old "once you click on something on accident, those things just keep popping up randomly and there is nothing you can do about it." Hmmm. Some time passed and I started snooping through the files etc. What I found was beyond disgusting. HUNDREDS and HUNDREDS of pictures. He was so apologetic, but then I found DISKS...MANY MANY disks full of that junk. Then I found printed out pictures under our mattress...oh yes, the one I slept on...WE slept on. I plastered them all over the apartment and jumped in the shower when I knew he would be coming home. I knew by his silence that he understood just how F'd he was. Needless to say, things were very very bad then. The last straw was when he left for school one morning and I hit the back button on the computer. It worked (there could be a lawsuit there I bet). He had posted his profile on dating sites. That was before it was the cool thing to do. I WAS BEYOND PISSED reading the emails and his profile. SO, when he came home, I was sitting at the computer and in the coldest possible voice I demanded that he open up his personal email this very moment or he was in the street. He started BEGGING me and CRYING . I was stone at this point and I repeated myself. He opened it and there were hundreds of emails. ALL I remember is opening one and reading that, well...he was having ONLINE SEX with some headnurse@hotmail.com ...and it was NASTY. I went into literal shock. It is the closest I have ever been to crazy...I think I may have been there actually. I just fell to the floor and started saying NO over and over and over without pause. He was crying (and deleting everything he could I later realized). He was pleading with me to stop saying that but I couldn't for a very long time. He was so scared that he threatened to call someone to help. So I stopped saying NO, but then it instantly turned to PLEASE. I was saying it so often and fast that I was starting to hypervenilate. He kept saying "please what? baby, tell me I'll do anything" but I COULD NOT talk. I just kept thinking "PLEASE tell me this is all some sick joke or lie". SO I almost passed out from not breathing and that is when I stopped saying Please like a lunatic. Then I just lay there. At some point I had moved to the bathroom floor from the computer. I remember that whole time I would start to cry, but then instantly stop. I remember thinking my eyes were very wide and then I was EXHAUSTED and I just lay there. Paralyzed. I don't even remember fighting afterwards...that is all blocked out of my memory. I guess as a defense mechanism. That was one of the most painful times of my life. I kept wondering why?? We had a very healthy sex life...multiple times a day, any position possible...we both talked about how happy we were in that department. That being said, I am pretty prude unless I am in a serious relationship. I had NEVER looked at porn. I saw stuff I still wish I hadn't. I remember thinking that he was perverted and disgusting. I felt that he was a stranger and that the last couple years of my life were a lie.
The next day I told him I was leaving the state, that I was making arrangements to get out of town for a couple of months. I bartended in FL through spring break for two months. It made him crazy and it made me homesick for him. We stayed together...he drove to Fl. to come get me, to bring me back home. I thought things would be better as promised from there on out...little did I know.
Reflecting
Today I feel like reflecting a bit...sharing some more info. I need some guidance. Sometimes when you are in the middle of things, everything is blurry and hard to make out.
This may take a few posts to finish...it is long winded.
The history of A.K. and I goes very much like this:
We worked together when we were very young (he was 19, I was 21) at a very large super busy club/restaurant. We were not fast friends. He thought I was hot but a bitch, I thought he was a jerk and that he was just "A.K."...not falling over him at all.
Well, after a couple of years, we had developed a friendship of sorts. I still felt a bit like a big sister and never thought of him as anything more...until one of our mutual friends asked me why not. He told me that AK had always had a thing for me. HMMMMM. We were all out having a cocktail and I looked over at A.K. and for the first time wondered the same. He was such a sweet guy that seemed to just want a good girlfriend...and I was that. SO, when he asked me to go for a ride on his motorcycle (as friends) I went. He wrecked on it the next day, and something about seeing him on crutches made my heart lighten up a bit towards him even more. Still just friends though. Then he asked me to hang out. I still remember looking at him from the outside of his house through the picture window. I knew I liked him.
We hung out all night, talking and goofing off at a beautiful park he showed me. (To this day it is very special to me). The next date was similar but we ended up in bed. I cried. I think because I had been hurt so many times before that I just did not know what to expect. I offered him an out (which offended him I found out later) and he declined. We were pretty much together all of the time from that day forward. That was over 8 years ago.
I had just broken up with a guy that I had a passionate relationship with. He was from NJ and was moving to St. Kitts to attend school to become a VET. I was mixed up a bit because I moved on so quickly and I felt a bit like a whore. AK was constantly telling me he loved me and we were thrown into a super serious relationship. I was a tad resistant. So, one night 4 months into this little endeavor, he was going on and on and I said "well, maybe we should just break up then." He took me up on it. It became clear to me that THAT is not really what I wanted, I HAD fallen for him, I just did not realize how much until I realized that he started talking to another girl at college. I felt sick over it, even though we talked all of the time, I could not believe how quickly he moved on. Well, after being blown off by him for the most part of several weeks, I decided to hang out with a guy that had just moved to the area and wanted to grab a drink with me and my friends for my birthday. WELL. Once AK heard THAT was happening, he was all about getting me back. He showed up at the bar and I ended up ditching that guy to leave with AK. Yeah, I know I was a young rude jerk. THAT was our first breakup.
There were some insecurities from that point on for me. I noticed at that point that there always had been with AK. I was so puzzled by this because I am loyal like a dog. It really is not healthy how loyal. He had been hurt before and just like me dragged that baggage along. We had a couple of bumps in the road like he took this girl he was friends with growing up to her christmas party for work and did not tell me about it until after. Hmmm, that will help me become more secure.
Then at some point (it has been so long I cannot recall the YEAR) he moved in with me. THAT saga goes very much like this: He was with me all the time to begin with, but when his mom asked him to stay at my place for the weekend while they remodeled the basement (that is where his little apartment was) he grabbed some extra clothes and we spent every single minute playing house and loving it. Until Sunday, when his mom called to say to ME "Well Mackenzie, since he spends so much time with you anyways, why don't you guys just come get his stuff. He can move in with you. We want him out of the house." UGHHHHHHHHHH.
My heart broke as I handed the phone off to him and I instantly snapped into protective mode.
I said "Who cares about her. I love you. Let's get what is necessary for a couple of days, and then we will get everything else later....this is going to be great, don't worry." We both were clearly ready to puke. No warning, no discussion. OMG. This was going to be a trip.
****I will write more later...this is such a long story.************
This may take a few posts to finish...it is long winded.
The history of A.K. and I goes very much like this:
We worked together when we were very young (he was 19, I was 21) at a very large super busy club/restaurant. We were not fast friends. He thought I was hot but a bitch, I thought he was a jerk and that he was just "A.K."...not falling over him at all.
Well, after a couple of years, we had developed a friendship of sorts. I still felt a bit like a big sister and never thought of him as anything more...until one of our mutual friends asked me why not. He told me that AK had always had a thing for me. HMMMMM. We were all out having a cocktail and I looked over at A.K. and for the first time wondered the same. He was such a sweet guy that seemed to just want a good girlfriend...and I was that. SO, when he asked me to go for a ride on his motorcycle (as friends) I went. He wrecked on it the next day, and something about seeing him on crutches made my heart lighten up a bit towards him even more. Still just friends though. Then he asked me to hang out. I still remember looking at him from the outside of his house through the picture window. I knew I liked him.
We hung out all night, talking and goofing off at a beautiful park he showed me. (To this day it is very special to me). The next date was similar but we ended up in bed. I cried. I think because I had been hurt so many times before that I just did not know what to expect. I offered him an out (which offended him I found out later) and he declined. We were pretty much together all of the time from that day forward. That was over 8 years ago.
I had just broken up with a guy that I had a passionate relationship with. He was from NJ and was moving to St. Kitts to attend school to become a VET. I was mixed up a bit because I moved on so quickly and I felt a bit like a whore. AK was constantly telling me he loved me and we were thrown into a super serious relationship. I was a tad resistant. So, one night 4 months into this little endeavor, he was going on and on and I said "well, maybe we should just break up then." He took me up on it. It became clear to me that THAT is not really what I wanted, I HAD fallen for him, I just did not realize how much until I realized that he started talking to another girl at college. I felt sick over it, even though we talked all of the time, I could not believe how quickly he moved on. Well, after being blown off by him for the most part of several weeks, I decided to hang out with a guy that had just moved to the area and wanted to grab a drink with me and my friends for my birthday. WELL. Once AK heard THAT was happening, he was all about getting me back. He showed up at the bar and I ended up ditching that guy to leave with AK. Yeah, I know I was a young rude jerk. THAT was our first breakup.
There were some insecurities from that point on for me. I noticed at that point that there always had been with AK. I was so puzzled by this because I am loyal like a dog. It really is not healthy how loyal. He had been hurt before and just like me dragged that baggage along. We had a couple of bumps in the road like he took this girl he was friends with growing up to her christmas party for work and did not tell me about it until after. Hmmm, that will help me become more secure.
Then at some point (it has been so long I cannot recall the YEAR) he moved in with me. THAT saga goes very much like this: He was with me all the time to begin with, but when his mom asked him to stay at my place for the weekend while they remodeled the basement (that is where his little apartment was) he grabbed some extra clothes and we spent every single minute playing house and loving it. Until Sunday, when his mom called to say to ME "Well Mackenzie, since he spends so much time with you anyways, why don't you guys just come get his stuff. He can move in with you. We want him out of the house." UGHHHHHHHHHH.
My heart broke as I handed the phone off to him and I instantly snapped into protective mode.
I said "Who cares about her. I love you. Let's get what is necessary for a couple of days, and then we will get everything else later....this is going to be great, don't worry." We both were clearly ready to puke. No warning, no discussion. OMG. This was going to be a trip.
****I will write more later...this is such a long story.************
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
One more sign...
One of the ways I know it is Autumn is the urge to make White Chicken Chili. I made my first batch on Sunday when I was recovering from the wedding (mostly in bed) with A.K. We were such bums, we did not even attempt to get up until around 4 or 5 at which time we were hungry. So, I ran out to get us food. Fast food was not happening, and it was so chilly out, that it gave me the best idea...White Chicken Chili. This stuff is heaven and it only takes 10 minutes to make I swear. I have yet to make this and NOT have someone RAVE over how good it is. The secret is this little spice packet with the recipe on the back. It only has like 5 things to mix together and wah~la...instant yummy very filling meal. If you try this super easy recipe, take note and buy the can of tomatoes to add. We also top ours with cheese and sour cream and have nacho chips on the side. A.K. was so cute. After he had his first few bites of the season and was clearly loving it he said "WHERE did you learn to make this again?? One of our mom's??" The pleasure was all mine when I said "Actually honey, I taught THEM how to make it!!" *big content grin*
Monday, October 02, 2006
Back to basics
Wow. October already. This year, heck LIFE is flying by. I am getting back to basics. I seem to get a lot of "little" things completed during the day, but the larger issues seem to take a back seat to every little project that comes across my plate. So, I am going to start turning things around for myself. It is difficult to do, but I know with some serious determination I can make it happen.I often think about this stuff, I just have been paralyzed by all this drama happening from time to time. I am not fulfilling my life dreams and that bothers me a great deal!!
So, I am getting organized today so this can start tomorrow morning. Health, wealth, friends, family, happiness...all of it is going to be the focus...not just surviving the day to day. That really is no way to live!!
The wedding BTW was a TON of work and I am so glad it is over. It turned out beautifully.
Lots of great people to meet and see again!! The reception was a Shrimp Boil which I have never even heard of. It was such a great idea. Served up family style and the 50 people that attended really seemed to enjoy it. Again, with all the helping, it was quite tiring, but really it turned out well. If I ever want to have my own wedding, I better get off this computer and get on with my new way of doing things...
So, I am getting organized today so this can start tomorrow morning. Health, wealth, friends, family, happiness...all of it is going to be the focus...not just surviving the day to day. That really is no way to live!!
The wedding BTW was a TON of work and I am so glad it is over. It turned out beautifully.
Lots of great people to meet and see again!! The reception was a Shrimp Boil which I have never even heard of. It was such a great idea. Served up family style and the 50 people that attended really seemed to enjoy it. Again, with all the helping, it was quite tiring, but really it turned out well. If I ever want to have my own wedding, I better get off this computer and get on with my new way of doing things...
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