Little Golden Pills

So, as I mentioned before I left, I had only taken one trip that required air travel in the past. I did not enjoy the experience and was not at all looking forward to trying it again...especially alone. AK was too sweet...he helped me check in and took me to the security point and was way helpful. Sometimes he is great. I asked my doctor (the one AK took to a party a few years back while I was waiting at home all night) to give me some drugs for the trip. Now, I have never taken anything like that. I barely ever take anything other than by birth control and sometimes a migraine pill. THOSE THINGS ARE GOLD. I was so relaxed and although I did not love it, I made it through the experience by myself and without crying (which I did the first time...ha.)

Funny story even: So, on my connecting flight in Denver, I popped another pill during my 2hr wait as instructed. When I was firmly buckled in my seat on the plane I decided to "rest my eyes" until we started the take off process, which I despise. I was so annoyed and sat up because I could hear people talking and walking around and I wanted to get that damn ride over, so I was thinking "I wish you people would just sit down and shut up so we could take off already!!!" When I opened my eyes I realized it was the flight attendants offering drinks to everyone and that we were about a 1/2 hr from our destination!! :) I missed the entire take off and most of the ride. THOSE THINGS ARE GOLD. I totally get it why people become addicts now!!!

Next up: The long ride home!!!

Don't call it a comeback...I've been here for years!!

HI GUYS!! I am back. Lots to tell.
Sundance rocks. Everyone should check out Park City during Sundance at least once. It was so great. The wealth was sickening. LOVEIT. Me being the real estate lover that I am, I found great interest in the market out there. Most everything was 1 mill or UP!! 28 mill for one home I looked at. In my dreams people!!
There were horses that I hung out with a tad in the BACK YARD...oh yeah, and you could see mountains out every window and they were so close you could be there within five minutes!!
I spent a lot of time with my brother and his new fiancee. YEP. She asked HIM. I really like her a great deal. Third time is a charm I guess. I hated his first two choices that failed miserably!!
Anyways, I got to know her as she was my co-driver on the trip home!! I was the only one that could drive though (stick shift...she won't even try)...and let me tell you THAT was a story in and of itself. I will make that a different post as it will take a lot of space!!
This trip was SOOOOO what I needed. Really. I needed to PHYSICALLY get space from AK. I needed to SEE that there was more to life across the board...not just tell myself that. I saw where I WANT to be...and where I am keeping myself. I feel rejuvenated!! YES!!!!!!!!
I missed DDG and cannot wait to see him. I fell out of love with AK. I am ready to study for my real estate exams. I am ready to get in the best physical shape of my life. YES!!!!!!!!!!

DDG and I talked quite a bit while I was gone and I found myself liking him quite a bit. I had LONG conversations with Amy (my brother's fiancee) and I FEEL like I love AK a lot, but I am not IN LOVE with him right now. I am not sure if that will ever come back, but part of me feels relief. The spell has been broken. I do not ACHE for him the way I used to. I feel like I have let go a lot more. I know I have more work to do, but I told him last night. He was sad. He knows this is big because through thick and thin I have never "fallen out of love" with him. I never even knew what that really meant. It feels ugly. I shared this with him because he started going to a specialist yesterday...for sex addiction. He shared what the guy said to him and the plan of action. I am SOOOO Happy for HIM. Before I wanted it for US, and I told him that. I told him that I MAY BE able to try again with him someday, but that it would need to be from square one and when we were both healed and healthy. I know I have THOUGHT that I had reached this point before, but now I FEEL it. I did not get that there was a difference until now. No clapping people, I still have a ways to go before the saga of AK and Mack can be put to rest!!
For now it is on permanent hiatus though, and I FEEL GOOD!!!!!!!!!!It is a tragedy though. We do really love each other more than any other human being...
Part of this is because I realized that I will turn 32 in April. That hit me hard. He cheated on me just before my birthday last year. ONE FULL YEAR OF WASTE...and I don't want another. I told him I feel that I am DISGUSTED and DISSAPPOINTED in both of us for WASTING our lives like this. He agreed. My year of accomplishment just got the energy that it needed.
This thing is getting really long, so I will continue later.

Glad to be back...can't wait to read up on what is happening with all of you.
Sol, I am SOOOO behind with you...HELLO hot guy though. Get a little play, you deserve it.
Kate, You are quite the sexpot my friend...my face was red reading last night. I am happy for you!!!
MT, So sorry dude. Just like you hate AK...I hate that Bitch. Sorry but I do...for hurting you and the way she went about it, not for being herself!! Now go out and get youself a little play yourself...they are lining up I hear!!!

That is all I could get to last night, but I am dying to hear the scoop on everyone else also.
Give me the gossip. :)

Outta here!!

I will be back on Feb. 1...be good until then!! I want to come back to happy stories. Divorces final, custody granted, new loves still going strong, marriages being turned around, and maybe a new love interest for a couple of ya!! I plan on coming back with a new fresh outlook on life. This is just what I need people...a little time away!! Keep me in your thoughts though...I will be driving back from Park City and the weather may be less than perfect!!
:) Mack

I'm Trippin'

I have not had a vacation EVER. That is weird huh. True though. I used to go to Key West to bartend through spring break season for years...that was the closest I got to a holiday away. I would work at night, but all day I could lay out or swim or shop or WHATEVER I wanted. I NEED to get away. My brother is moving back from Utah and he has asked me to come out to Park City for a week to have some fun. Then I could help him drive the Acura back and he can drive the box truck. His girlfriend cannot drive stick shift, and I can, so that helps him. We are very close and it will be nice to make some memories with him and to just spend time that does not entail work!! He needs to be back here by the end of the month, so this will most likely happen pretty quickly!!! I will let you know when I leave.
SO excited to learn to snowboard!!!! I love long road trips as well. I love being alone in the car with the music, my mind and the road ahead!!!! This is gonna be great.

Three's...RIGHT????

Okay God. I'm trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Don't I have enough character already?? Haven't I "learned" enough???? At least bad things come in three's...RIGHT????
1.) Bad news from AK a week or so ago to kick the new year off well!!
2.) Our friend Mike is killed.
3.) Yesterday I get a call that my friend Kelley decided to take her own life by gun Jan.2nd.

She was in Chicago. Her two sisters had just celebrated New Year's with her and said she seemed great. She lived with her boyfriend there for just over 8 months and when he went out for something, he returned home to find her. She was truly a very beautiful young girl (my age...31) with great style, a good job, a great personality and her sense of humor was HILARIOUS!!! She REALLY did have her whole life ahead of her.

I missed the funeral. They did not know how to get in touch with me and clearly had other things on their minds than figuring it out!! On one hand I am glad. I could not have taken that funeral. AK and I tromped around just past dusk last night after we got the news searching for her grave. They gave us the lot number and section, but it was freezing rain, dark and muddy everywhere. I'm not sure if it was all of that or the tears but we did not find it. I just wanted to lay flowers there. I just wanted to talk out loud to her to tell her I am so sorry that she felt that much despair. I have a pain in my stomach that will not subside. I am going back today to find it in the light. God rest her soul and give her the peace that she clearly could not find here on earth. I am not going to be one of those people that believes that you do not go to heaven if you commit suicide. I think God takes you in his arms and hugs you, I think he forgives the act immediately to give your mind the rest and peace that you could not find here on earth...the God I believe in would never be so cruel as to send you to hell. It is obvious to him that you had already been there...here on earth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last night to lighten the mood and to get our minds off of the news, we went to see a movie. In the first few scenes the father in the movie commits suicide by gun. How about that shit?? How's that for IRONIC?? Ha Freaking Ha universe.

I am going to the gym today. I have wasted enough time laying around depressed. I am so TIRED of hardships though. If this is what life is going to be like I am going to have to find a way to adapt and to find the sunshine through the clouds...cause in the words of Joss Stone "ain't nobody got no business stressin' all the time."

Take care each and every one of you and KNOW that no matter how sad things get in your life there are people that LOVE you and will be DEVASTATED by the loss of you. Just in case YOU don't know that, I am tellin' you now. Don't you doubt it. You just call or email me and I will remind you when things seem hopeless!! THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!!!!

In Loving Memory

My friend was laid to rest this weekend. Friday was the wake and Saturday was the funeral. I have never attended a military funeral and I hope to never again. It was a constant stream of tears and gut wrenching moments. There was barely a dry eye there and just the sight and sound of all the men crying tore my heart out. There were MANY sailors and their faces had tears streaming just like the rest of us. All of the soldiers that were participating in the ceremonies were red eyed and had HUGE frowns on their faces. His sister and his brothers carried the casket with his little boy helping in the front. One of his brothers is still in the military and seeing him carry his brothers casket knowing that he too was in harms way really hit home. One of the other brothers was SOBBING the entire time...he could barely walk, he kept grabbing the pews for support and I just felt like running up and hugging him. My eyes are welling up just from that memory!! His fiance wrote a funny and touching letter to be read inside the church. When it came time to read it to him she could not and her best friend stepped up took it from her and read it aloud. His parents seemed to be Okay until the guns sounded at the grave and his mother lost it...she started wailing and it was like it came from the depths of her soul. The entire crowd including the people firing the guns and holding the flags all started crying again!! One of the brothers started hitting the casket out of sheer grief when he went to place a flower on it and to say the final goodbye.
I was most shocked by the wake. Both AK and I were STUNNED and sickened by the condition of our friend. It was nearly two weeks until the body was returned and although we had talked about what that meant, nothing could prepare us for what we saw. I know that everyone wanted the chance to see him one last time, but the makeup and condition...it was not at all the way I would like to remember him and it is haunting me. I know it will fade, but it looked like some bad Hollywood piece for a horror movie!
After the funeral everyone headed to our friends favorite bar (scoundrels. HA.) and it was JUST what he would have wanted. Lots of food and drinks and a sense of family that reached out and embraced everyone of us...blood relative or not!! I hope that when I go you guys sit around laughing at all my silly mistakes and quirks, guy problems and opinionated comments!!
I know death is a fact of life. I know this to be true. I just pray to God that my family members, cats, and friends both here and in blog land live forever. I know it is selfish but that is what I am feeling today.

Hit me with it.

Advice people. I need it. Haha~We all know that, but this time I am outright asking for some opinions. DDG (Dinner date guy). I have been keeping him at bay for MONTHS now. Do I tell him about AK?? I mean, I told him I have an x and that it is sticky, and that I am trying to figure it out. He also knows AK cheated...not much more. I hang out with DDG about once every 2-3 weeks. I like who he is so far, but this is a touchy area I think.
I could be honest, which is my gut instinct and that is what I would want from him. BUT...I am new to this dating thing (if that is what you could call it with AK in the picture). Is it TMI to let him know the story?? Not every gory detail, but what is really happening??? Would you want to know if it were you??? HELP.

Just talking out loud

I was laying in bed last night next to AK thinking about...well, everything. One point that stuck in my head is that even IF he does get well, I refuse to associate with these women that he has befriended. Why the hell should I play nice with random strangers that think AK is the bees knees?? I don't care that he is now "friends" with them. I have never been the type to "make" someone give up friends, but I just don't jive with the situation and would not tolerate it. These women do not give a rats ass about me and for that matter AK. They just think he is hot and maybe even like his company, but come the tests of REAL friendship and not one of them is around. Not to mention that it is a constant reminder of the disrespect shown by AK. I AM NOT THE NEW ONE to this situation and it BURNS me when these "ladies" act like I am. That's a big F off with a capital F to all of them...including AK.
I need time to keep working this all out in my own mind, but this is just ONE MORE point that does not sit well with me...never has. This topic is toxic and I cannot seem to bend my point of view on it. I think that he should remain friends with these people and I should be the one to go...only ONE change as opposed to dozens. Funny thing is he will feel me leaving 100X worse than never speaking to those hookers again...but it will take just that for him to realize what is wrong with this picture.

A little laughter never hurt anyone!

Let's not talk about it.

Watch the OSU game last night???
Had the pleasure to see it all on my friend Natalie's big screen.
Let's not talk about it.