Hit me with it.

Advice people. I need it. Haha~We all know that, but this time I am outright asking for some opinions. DDG (Dinner date guy). I have been keeping him at bay for MONTHS now. Do I tell him about AK?? I mean, I told him I have an x and that it is sticky, and that I am trying to figure it out. He also knows AK cheated...not much more. I hang out with DDG about once every 2-3 weeks. I like who he is so far, but this is a touchy area I think.
I could be honest, which is my gut instinct and that is what I would want from him. BUT...I am new to this dating thing (if that is what you could call it with AK in the picture). Is it TMI to let him know the story?? Not every gory detail, but what is really happening??? Would you want to know if it were you??? HELP.

Just talking out loud

I was laying in bed last night next to AK thinking about...well, everything. One point that stuck in my head is that even IF he does get well, I refuse to associate with these women that he has befriended. Why the hell should I play nice with random strangers that think AK is the bees knees?? I don't care that he is now "friends" with them. I have never been the type to "make" someone give up friends, but I just don't jive with the situation and would not tolerate it. These women do not give a rats ass about me and for that matter AK. They just think he is hot and maybe even like his company, but come the tests of REAL friendship and not one of them is around. Not to mention that it is a constant reminder of the disrespect shown by AK. I AM NOT THE NEW ONE to this situation and it BURNS me when these "ladies" act like I am. That's a big F off with a capital F to all of them...including AK.
I need time to keep working this all out in my own mind, but this is just ONE MORE point that does not sit well with me...never has. This topic is toxic and I cannot seem to bend my point of view on it. I think that he should remain friends with these people and I should be the one to go...only ONE change as opposed to dozens. Funny thing is he will feel me leaving 100X worse than never speaking to those hookers again...but it will take just that for him to realize what is wrong with this picture.

A little laughter never hurt anyone!

Let's not talk about it.

Watch the OSU game last night???
Had the pleasure to see it all on my friend Natalie's big screen.
Let's not talk about it.

"Where are we going...

And why are we in this hand basket." That saying SO marks this phase of my life. I have promised MYSELF that this year will be one of accomplishment, not just "figuring things out"!!

Here's what life looks like at the Lost in Waste household(s)!!! This is what we are tackling finally. AK is getting a specialist now. We made calls on Friday and he will get in to a SAA group as well and attend EACH once a week.
This is a result of me finally putting my foot down...get help or take a long walk off a short pier. Happy New Year to me. Now I was very clear that if he wants to even be FRIENDS with me this all changes NOW and the minute it stops so does our acquaintance. If there is ANY hope of a marriage to come out of this is yet to be determined...we played by his rules for 8+ years...now it's my way or the highway and I am fing serious about it. I know I will get some people saying "He should want to do it for himself". Bullshit. He WANTS to be well...but people he is an ADDICT...just like a drug junkie. Think they want to shove needles in their arm??? NO. They want to numb the pain or avoid reality or whatever. AK's drug is SEX. He keeps trying and FAILS miserably every time!
For those of you that have never even heard of this or think it is a load of crap, I understand. So did I for a long time. I thought he was just a jackass. Now I know otherwise...he is a sad man that ACTS like a jackass and is a lost soul. Only now I am not going down with him. Below is some info from the Sex Addicts Anonymous site. I hope this helps you guys understand what is going on here. I don't know that I even want to be with AK at the end of this. I do love him and to me love means thick and thin. He NEEDS help. I will be there. Beyond that...Blurry, gray and not looking so hot for us. I hope this info is insightful...Sex addiction is not talked about very often...and when it is, t.v. portrays it as FUNNY. This is about the least funny a person can get.
I know I cannot SAVE him, but I will be there to encourage and help in any way possible as long as HE is giving 100%. There will undoubtedly be bumps in the road...we'll cross that when we get there. If he wants me around at all, the bullshit stops though.
His mother has forbid him to enter her house until he is in treatment and is actually on his way (at least) to changing his self destructive and disrespectful ways. Breaks my heart but I am so glad. I sure hope this is rock bottom...if not rock bottom will be when I toss him out of my life 110% ill or not!! *sigh*
***********************
What is Sexual Addiction?
Sex Addiction can involve a wide variety of practices. Sometimes an addict has trouble with just one unwanted behavior, sometimes with many. A large number of sex addicts say their unhealthy use of sex has been a progressive process. It may have started with an addiction to masturbation, pornography (either printed or electronic), or a relationship, but over the years progressed to increasingly dangerous behaviors.
The essence of all addiction is the addicts' experience of powerlessness over a compulsive behavior, resulting in their lives becoming unmanageable. The addict is out of control and experiences tremendous shame, pain and self-loathing. The addict may wish to stop --- yet repeatedly fails to do so. The unmanageability of addicts' lives can be seen in the consequences they suffer: losing relationships, difficulties with work, arrests, financial troubles, a loss of interest in things not sexual, low self-esteem and despair.
Sexual preoccupation takes up tremendous amounts of energy. As this increases for the sex addict, a pattern of behavior (or rituals) follows, which usually leads to acting out (for some it is flirting, searching the net for pornography, or driving to the park.) When the acting out happens, there is a denial of feelings usually followed by despair and shame or a feeling of hopelessness and confusion.

Tribute

I have a new experience happening here with my blog. I have so much I want to write, but do not want the people in my life to find this outlet. They are all online searching daily for info, so that could be a real possibility if I write some key words. SOOO, I will try to tell you the basics and let you guys search online for the article if you are interested. I hope it is not too vague.

On Friday AK and I received news that one of our very close friends in the military (the kind with the boats...the kind that go underwater) was swept overboard with three other men. He (and another) did not survive. They were in the English channel.
It has been an eye opening experience. We have been with the family daily and they are a tight nit group, so they will be fine...as fine as you can be. The funeral will be hard. They don't even know for SURE when the body will arrive. I guess that is how the military works. We are cooking for them and keeping them surrounded with people per their request, but man does this tug on your heartstrings. He was finished for good in April. He has a 7yr old little guy that carries around a teddy bear his dad programmed his voice into. He keeps squeezing it to hear his fathers voice. He tells everyone that stops by or that he sees or talks to on the phone that "My dad is a hero." Damn right kyle. Damn right.

PLEASE keep him and his family and the family of the other soldier from Kentucky in your prayers.

Tribute.

...In with the new

Happy New Years to All of you.
I know 2007 will be a much better happier time for all of us!
I wish you nothing but peace, love, health and happiness.

My goals for 2007.

1.) Real Estate License. I have taken the classes...I need to take the exams!!
2.) Grow my company by one new account a month.
3.) Lose needed weight and get in the best physical shape/balance of my life. (Develop a healthy self image.)
4.) Make peace and let go of everything that has happened with AK. (Let go of the past.)
5.) Decide one way or another what our relationship fate is...and STICK TO IT!!
6.) Try one new thing a month...sport, hobby, volunteer project etc. (Enlarge my vision.)

I may be adding to this list as I remember things that need to be accomplished!!!
What about you?? Making goals for 2007???

Oh and wherever you drink, be safe...please do not drive. The stats on that are horrific so no calling me a mom for saying that!!

By Request

I have a request from one of my favorite bloggers to get more scoop on dinner date guy. I fear you may be disappointed, but I will tell you what I can.

Dinner date guy!! I don't think I have really talked TOO much about him...at least not the full picture. I met him on Match.com. Can you believe that?? I still laugh that I went through that phase. Hey it works!! I had some great dates and met some cool people. If nothing else it was an ego boost that I sorely needed when I was cheated on!!

ANYWAYS...he was witty and our emails were constantly entertaining and I found myself waiting for his responses! SO, I met him out on a Saturday afternoon this past summer. I had another date lined up for that night, so I planned on just meeting up with him for a bit (it probably would suck) and I would chalk it up and recover with my evening date!! Well we had a BLAST. We went from patio bar to patio bar and the only reason that we parted at all was because I had that dang evening date!! HA!

He then asked if he could cook me dinner at my place! BOLD. I was shocked...so early on, I hadn't even kissed the guy. Remember we had been emailing forever though, so it felt like we had known each other for a very long time. He cooked me the best dinner and was SO stinkin' cute doing it that I was a tad smitten!! He cooked Salmon and fresh green beans and gnocchi and it tasted fantastic. Needless to say, he stayed pretty late and we had a totally enjoyable time playing with the XM radio online and downing a couple bottles of wine...and kissing!!! THAT is where he got that little nickname from!

Then reality smacked me upside the head that AK was going to FREAK OUT if he found out...so I told him the basics...and he was surprisingly cool until he SAW DDG walking up to my place. THEN he freaked...knocked on the door even...texting me like a mad man and flat out making it a point to let me know what he thought of the situation. WELL, even though it shouldn't it bothers me. So, I have been holding DDG at arms length. I see him about every two weeks. He has now resorted to flat out telling me that he likes me. He is ready to move forward. I have been honest in telling him that I need to get myself straight. He has been cool about it, but honestly it is not fair to him or to me. AK is still very much in the picture. I just like the way DDG treats me. He looks at me with those eyes...the eyes that have not been tarnished with HISTORY...he plays with my hair without even thinking about it...he kisses my forehead and puts his hand on the small of my back when we are walking. He opens doors, he remembers everything I say, he calls when he says and he DOES NOT LOOK AT OR TALK ABOUT other women in my presence!!!! He thinks about me...you can tell by the way he acts and talks. He even sent me a picture of the fans rushing the field the second OSU won the big game against MI. WHO DOES THAT?? Most guys are yelling, drinking, high fiving...or RUSHING the field. HE sends me a photo!!

There is a shallow part of me. He is not exactly like AK...as I understand that NOBODY will be. But I am used to a guy that goes to the gym every day. (I am also used to that guy that goes to the gym everyday looking at every female thing that walks!!) SO, what is more important?? The more time I spend with DDG the more attracted to him I am. Weird I know!! I am NOT telling AK about DDG at all anymore. I just do not want to fight when there is NO commitment between us and he is befriending other women that I do not know.
This whole scene is a mess. I will be so glad when I am resting soundly in ONE mans arms...one that loves only me and vice versa.

Happy Holidays!!!

Happy Holidays Everyone. Whatever it is you celebrate!!
Me?? It's Christmas. So far so good. I picked up two of my nephews (1 and 5) yesterday and spent the day with them. We sang Christmas carols ALL day, we shopped for presents for them to give out, we wrapped them afterwards (so cute how terrible the paper looks, but how PERFECT it actually is with the pride of a little boy behind it!!), we had the famous picture with Santa taken!! It was a long but very fulfilling day!!!

Seeing Santa was truly magical. All 5yr old attitude melted away and his eyes just lit up when he was sitting on Santa's lap!! He was so comfortable just asking him questions like "What do the reindeer eat, and where are they anyway?? The North Pole?? What about Mrs. Claus is she there?? How do the elf's get back to the N.Pole (they were with him in Westlake!!)" My heart just soared!! How sweet life can be!!!

Dinner date guy sent me a Christmas arrangement on Wed.
What a sweet gesture!! Not sure at all what to do about that guy! :) I guess time will tell.
I am not going to have much time until after the holidays to post...if I do get a minute I will swing by, but it looks doubtful.

I hope that all of you have a safe and beautiful Holiday filled with peace, happiness, friends and family!!

I am not it.

I had lunch with one of my gal pals yesterday. She could tell that I was struggling even though I have not said anything lately( I could not eat...I didn't even order). She confided in me that she too had gone through a very dark time with a previous boyfriend (later her husband). There were so many similarities. I know that other people go through things in relationships, but every time I hear someone relating to me in this manner, I am shocked. I feel like the only one that cannot get a grip on what is right or wrong. She is now married to the love of her life and has a baby that is 7 months old and a picture of joy!!! She made it!! I cannot believe how many people go through this turmoil in relationships!!! If you love someone WHY WHY WHY do you hurt them???

Anyways, I think AK and I no matter how much we love each other just need to let go.
Life should not be like this. Really big joy then the worst of the worst angst.
I don't believe that he intended to hurt me the way he has. I think he wishes things were different. He is NOT capable of being that man anymore. I actually feel like an abuser by fighting all the time over these women. He is who he is. I know it. Why am I fighting for something that is not possible.

Yesterday we had one of the worst fights EVER. It was so terrible. I SLAPPED him across the face. That is the worst thing ever because his mom used to slap him across the face all of the time when he was little and I PROMISED him almost nine years ago that I would NEVER physically hurt him, ESPECIALLY in that manner. He never saw it coming. I could not think of another way to make him see HOW MUCH and HOW BADLY he was hurting me...it was ALL I could think of. The calm talking, the crying, the yelling, the written letters ETC. ETC. nothing has worked EVEN when he said it did!!

Afterwards I swear I felt like throwing up. I do not think ANYONE has the right to touch another person like that...and that I would WANT to HURT the most important person in the world turns my stomach. I was sitting there thinking that NO MATTER how much we do care about and love each other, it has turned into something very ugly and is so incredibly tragic that it would come to this. I apologized for slapping him...not for what I was mad about, but the slap.

If I can relay this feeling to you...it is that MY SOUL was injured with that one motion. I also saw a look in his eyes of such pain. Not of Physical pain, even though I am sure that stung, it was something far worse. How could I injure someone that is OBVIOUSLY so INJURED already??? I sit here bawling my eyes out writing this because I am so sad. How did this happen to two people that want to be together so badly?? How can someone be so ILL to keep making the same mistakes over and over and over even though it tortures them??

After our hideous fight, I was saying to JUST leave. I told him that THAT was IT, that we were DONE forever. He refused. He laid down on the couch and closed his eyes for a very long time. I think we both were so shocked and wounded. I went to lay in my bed. As if that were not bad enough....

Someone knocks on my door. It is one of the girls that lives in my building...She backed up and wrecked AK's car. I felt such guilt...that if we had not been fighting, he would not have been over, he would have been at the gym where he was heading.

After that fiasco, he just came in and said "I know you have not eaten all day, so let's go get some dinner." I knew if I did not go I would stay in bed for the remainder of the day, and I wanted to make peace with the situation, so we went. It was weird. Something has clicked in me...it's that feeling of my soul being wounded...REALLY. I felt distant from him for the first time in my life. Not cold at all...just like LIFE had changed. I felt like we were broken up. I did not say I love you as I do every single day. I did not feel any negative emotions, I just felt sad but also like I KNEW that we need to let go. I want him to be happy and I told him so. I will no longer get worked up over anything. I want him to do WHATEVER makes his life better. I am not it. For whatever reason...I am not it.