Happy New Years to All of you.
I know 2007 will be a much better happier time for all of us!
I wish you nothing but peace, love, health and happiness.
My goals for 2007.
1.) Real Estate License. I have taken the classes...I need to take the exams!!
2.) Grow my company by one new account a month.
3.) Lose needed weight and get in the best physical shape/balance of my life. (Develop a healthy self image.)
4.) Make peace and let go of everything that has happened with AK. (Let go of the past.)
5.) Decide one way or another what our relationship fate is...and STICK TO IT!!
6.) Try one new thing a month...sport, hobby, volunteer project etc. (Enlarge my vision.)
I may be adding to this list as I remember things that need to be accomplished!!!
What about you?? Making goals for 2007???
Oh and wherever you drink, be safe...please do not drive. The stats on that are horrific so no calling me a mom for saying that!!
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
By Request
I have a request from one of my favorite bloggers to get more scoop on dinner date guy. I fear you may be disappointed, but I will tell you what I can.
Dinner date guy!! I don't think I have really talked TOO much about him...at least not the full picture. I met him on Match.com. Can you believe that?? I still laugh that I went through that phase. Hey it works!! I had some great dates and met some cool people. If nothing else it was an ego boost that I sorely needed when I was cheated on!!
ANYWAYS...he was witty and our emails were constantly entertaining and I found myself waiting for his responses! SO, I met him out on a Saturday afternoon this past summer. I had another date lined up for that night, so I planned on just meeting up with him for a bit (it probably would suck) and I would chalk it up and recover with my evening date!! Well we had a BLAST. We went from patio bar to patio bar and the only reason that we parted at all was because I had that dang evening date!! HA!
He then asked if he could cook me dinner at my place! BOLD. I was shocked...so early on, I hadn't even kissed the guy. Remember we had been emailing forever though, so it felt like we had known each other for a very long time. He cooked me the best dinner and was SO stinkin' cute doing it that I was a tad smitten!! He cooked Salmon and fresh green beans and gnocchi and it tasted fantastic. Needless to say, he stayed pretty late and we had a totally enjoyable time playing with the XM radio online and downing a couple bottles of wine...and kissing!!! THAT is where he got that little nickname from!
Then reality smacked me upside the head that AK was going to FREAK OUT if he found out...so I told him the basics...and he was surprisingly cool until he SAW DDG walking up to my place. THEN he freaked...knocked on the door even...texting me like a mad man and flat out making it a point to let me know what he thought of the situation. WELL, even though it shouldn't it bothers me. So, I have been holding DDG at arms length. I see him about every two weeks. He has now resorted to flat out telling me that he likes me. He is ready to move forward. I have been honest in telling him that I need to get myself straight. He has been cool about it, but honestly it is not fair to him or to me. AK is still very much in the picture. I just like the way DDG treats me. He looks at me with those eyes...the eyes that have not been tarnished with HISTORY...he plays with my hair without even thinking about it...he kisses my forehead and puts his hand on the small of my back when we are walking. He opens doors, he remembers everything I say, he calls when he says and he DOES NOT LOOK AT OR TALK ABOUT other women in my presence!!!! He thinks about me...you can tell by the way he acts and talks. He even sent me a picture of the fans rushing the field the second OSU won the big game against MI. WHO DOES THAT?? Most guys are yelling, drinking, high fiving...or RUSHING the field. HE sends me a photo!!
There is a shallow part of me. He is not exactly like AK...as I understand that NOBODY will be. But I am used to a guy that goes to the gym every day. (I am also used to that guy that goes to the gym everyday looking at every female thing that walks!!) SO, what is more important?? The more time I spend with DDG the more attracted to him I am. Weird I know!! I am NOT telling AK about DDG at all anymore. I just do not want to fight when there is NO commitment between us and he is befriending other women that I do not know.
This whole scene is a mess. I will be so glad when I am resting soundly in ONE mans arms...one that loves only me and vice versa.
Dinner date guy!! I don't think I have really talked TOO much about him...at least not the full picture. I met him on Match.com. Can you believe that?? I still laugh that I went through that phase. Hey it works!! I had some great dates and met some cool people. If nothing else it was an ego boost that I sorely needed when I was cheated on!!
ANYWAYS...he was witty and our emails were constantly entertaining and I found myself waiting for his responses! SO, I met him out on a Saturday afternoon this past summer. I had another date lined up for that night, so I planned on just meeting up with him for a bit (it probably would suck) and I would chalk it up and recover with my evening date!! Well we had a BLAST. We went from patio bar to patio bar and the only reason that we parted at all was because I had that dang evening date!! HA!
He then asked if he could cook me dinner at my place! BOLD. I was shocked...so early on, I hadn't even kissed the guy. Remember we had been emailing forever though, so it felt like we had known each other for a very long time. He cooked me the best dinner and was SO stinkin' cute doing it that I was a tad smitten!! He cooked Salmon and fresh green beans and gnocchi and it tasted fantastic. Needless to say, he stayed pretty late and we had a totally enjoyable time playing with the XM radio online and downing a couple bottles of wine...and kissing!!! THAT is where he got that little nickname from!
Then reality smacked me upside the head that AK was going to FREAK OUT if he found out...so I told him the basics...and he was surprisingly cool until he SAW DDG walking up to my place. THEN he freaked...knocked on the door even...texting me like a mad man and flat out making it a point to let me know what he thought of the situation. WELL, even though it shouldn't it bothers me. So, I have been holding DDG at arms length. I see him about every two weeks. He has now resorted to flat out telling me that he likes me. He is ready to move forward. I have been honest in telling him that I need to get myself straight. He has been cool about it, but honestly it is not fair to him or to me. AK is still very much in the picture. I just like the way DDG treats me. He looks at me with those eyes...the eyes that have not been tarnished with HISTORY...he plays with my hair without even thinking about it...he kisses my forehead and puts his hand on the small of my back when we are walking. He opens doors, he remembers everything I say, he calls when he says and he DOES NOT LOOK AT OR TALK ABOUT other women in my presence!!!! He thinks about me...you can tell by the way he acts and talks. He even sent me a picture of the fans rushing the field the second OSU won the big game against MI. WHO DOES THAT?? Most guys are yelling, drinking, high fiving...or RUSHING the field. HE sends me a photo!!
There is a shallow part of me. He is not exactly like AK...as I understand that NOBODY will be. But I am used to a guy that goes to the gym every day. (I am also used to that guy that goes to the gym everyday looking at every female thing that walks!!) SO, what is more important?? The more time I spend with DDG the more attracted to him I am. Weird I know!! I am NOT telling AK about DDG at all anymore. I just do not want to fight when there is NO commitment between us and he is befriending other women that I do not know.
This whole scene is a mess. I will be so glad when I am resting soundly in ONE mans arms...one that loves only me and vice versa.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Happy Holidays!!!
Happy Holidays Everyone. Whatever it is you celebrate!!Me?? It's Christmas. So far so good. I picked up two of my nephews (1 and 5) yesterday and spent the day with them. We sang Christmas carols ALL day, we shopped for presents for them to give out, we wrapped them afterwards (so cute how terrible the paper looks, but how PERFECT it actually is with the pride of a little boy behind it!!), we had the famous picture with Santa taken!! It was a long but very fulfilling day!!!
Seeing Santa was truly magical. All 5yr old attitude melted away and his eyes just lit up when he was sitting on Santa's lap!! He was so comfortable just asking him questions like "What do the reindeer eat, and where are they anyway?? The North Pole?? What about Mrs. Claus is she there?? How do the elf's get back to the N.Pole (they were with him in Westlake!!)" My heart just soared!! How sweet life can be!!!
Dinner date guy sent me a Christmas arrangement on Wed.
What a sweet gesture!! Not sure at all what to do about that guy! :) I guess time will tell.
I am not going to have much time until after the holidays to post...if I do get a minute I will swing by, but it looks doubtful.
I hope that all of you have a safe and beautiful Holiday filled with peace, happiness, friends and family!!
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
I am not it.
I had lunch with one of my gal pals yesterday. She could tell that I was struggling even though I have not said anything lately( I could not eat...I didn't even order). She confided in me that she too had gone through a very dark time with a previous boyfriend (later her husband). There were so many similarities. I know that other people go through things in relationships, but every time I hear someone relating to me in this manner, I am shocked. I feel like the only one that cannot get a grip on what is right or wrong. She is now married to the love of her life and has a baby that is 7 months old and a picture of joy!!! She made it!! I cannot believe how many people go through this turmoil in relationships!!! If you love someone WHY WHY WHY do you hurt them???
Anyways, I think AK and I no matter how much we love each other just need to let go.
Life should not be like this. Really big joy then the worst of the worst angst.
I don't believe that he intended to hurt me the way he has. I think he wishes things were different. He is NOT capable of being that man anymore. I actually feel like an abuser by fighting all the time over these women. He is who he is. I know it. Why am I fighting for something that is not possible.
Yesterday we had one of the worst fights EVER. It was so terrible. I SLAPPED him across the face. That is the worst thing ever because his mom used to slap him across the face all of the time when he was little and I PROMISED him almost nine years ago that I would NEVER physically hurt him, ESPECIALLY in that manner. He never saw it coming. I could not think of another way to make him see HOW MUCH and HOW BADLY he was hurting me...it was ALL I could think of. The calm talking, the crying, the yelling, the written letters ETC. ETC. nothing has worked EVEN when he said it did!!
Afterwards I swear I felt like throwing up. I do not think ANYONE has the right to touch another person like that...and that I would WANT to HURT the most important person in the world turns my stomach. I was sitting there thinking that NO MATTER how much we do care about and love each other, it has turned into something very ugly and is so incredibly tragic that it would come to this. I apologized for slapping him...not for what I was mad about, but the slap.
If I can relay this feeling to you...it is that MY SOUL was injured with that one motion. I also saw a look in his eyes of such pain. Not of Physical pain, even though I am sure that stung, it was something far worse. How could I injure someone that is OBVIOUSLY so INJURED already??? I sit here bawling my eyes out writing this because I am so sad. How did this happen to two people that want to be together so badly?? How can someone be so ILL to keep making the same mistakes over and over and over even though it tortures them??
After our hideous fight, I was saying to JUST leave. I told him that THAT was IT, that we were DONE forever. He refused. He laid down on the couch and closed his eyes for a very long time. I think we both were so shocked and wounded. I went to lay in my bed. As if that were not bad enough....
Someone knocks on my door. It is one of the girls that lives in my building...She backed up and wrecked AK's car. I felt such guilt...that if we had not been fighting, he would not have been over, he would have been at the gym where he was heading.
After that fiasco, he just came in and said "I know you have not eaten all day, so let's go get some dinner." I knew if I did not go I would stay in bed for the remainder of the day, and I wanted to make peace with the situation, so we went. It was weird. Something has clicked in me...it's that feeling of my soul being wounded...REALLY. I felt distant from him for the first time in my life. Not cold at all...just like LIFE had changed. I felt like we were broken up. I did not say I love you as I do every single day. I did not feel any negative emotions, I just felt sad but also like I KNEW that we need to let go. I want him to be happy and I told him so. I will no longer get worked up over anything. I want him to do WHATEVER makes his life better. I am not it. For whatever reason...I am not it.
Anyways, I think AK and I no matter how much we love each other just need to let go.
Life should not be like this. Really big joy then the worst of the worst angst.
I don't believe that he intended to hurt me the way he has. I think he wishes things were different. He is NOT capable of being that man anymore. I actually feel like an abuser by fighting all the time over these women. He is who he is. I know it. Why am I fighting for something that is not possible.
Yesterday we had one of the worst fights EVER. It was so terrible. I SLAPPED him across the face. That is the worst thing ever because his mom used to slap him across the face all of the time when he was little and I PROMISED him almost nine years ago that I would NEVER physically hurt him, ESPECIALLY in that manner. He never saw it coming. I could not think of another way to make him see HOW MUCH and HOW BADLY he was hurting me...it was ALL I could think of. The calm talking, the crying, the yelling, the written letters ETC. ETC. nothing has worked EVEN when he said it did!!
Afterwards I swear I felt like throwing up. I do not think ANYONE has the right to touch another person like that...and that I would WANT to HURT the most important person in the world turns my stomach. I was sitting there thinking that NO MATTER how much we do care about and love each other, it has turned into something very ugly and is so incredibly tragic that it would come to this. I apologized for slapping him...not for what I was mad about, but the slap.
If I can relay this feeling to you...it is that MY SOUL was injured with that one motion. I also saw a look in his eyes of such pain. Not of Physical pain, even though I am sure that stung, it was something far worse. How could I injure someone that is OBVIOUSLY so INJURED already??? I sit here bawling my eyes out writing this because I am so sad. How did this happen to two people that want to be together so badly?? How can someone be so ILL to keep making the same mistakes over and over and over even though it tortures them??
After our hideous fight, I was saying to JUST leave. I told him that THAT was IT, that we were DONE forever. He refused. He laid down on the couch and closed his eyes for a very long time. I think we both were so shocked and wounded. I went to lay in my bed. As if that were not bad enough....
Someone knocks on my door. It is one of the girls that lives in my building...She backed up and wrecked AK's car. I felt such guilt...that if we had not been fighting, he would not have been over, he would have been at the gym where he was heading.
After that fiasco, he just came in and said "I know you have not eaten all day, so let's go get some dinner." I knew if I did not go I would stay in bed for the remainder of the day, and I wanted to make peace with the situation, so we went. It was weird. Something has clicked in me...it's that feeling of my soul being wounded...REALLY. I felt distant from him for the first time in my life. Not cold at all...just like LIFE had changed. I felt like we were broken up. I did not say I love you as I do every single day. I did not feel any negative emotions, I just felt sad but also like I KNEW that we need to let go. I want him to be happy and I told him so. I will no longer get worked up over anything. I want him to do WHATEVER makes his life better. I am not it. For whatever reason...I am not it.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
To Frannie (and friends) with love...
***Your blog is SOOO impossible to leave comments on sometimes, so I give up today and post here instead... This is in response to one of your latest entries!!
Would it surprise you to know that:
~I look for your comments every post I write and find a sense of peace when they are there??
~Your comments OFTEN make my eyes well up. You care so much.
~I feel I have found a kindred spirit in you??
~Your recipes are being saved for a rainy day here in OHIO??
~Your poop art story is STILL one of my favorite blog stories and will go down in blog history as so!
~I admire how you were able to leave behind that bad relationship of the past...it gives me hope.
~You inspire me to get myself on track so that I too can be a mom and wife with a house (I don't think a farm though :))!!!
~It is nice to know that you are human...that you are not just a perfect blogger with a perfect life and that WE might be a place YOU can turn to when need be.
~That you remind me about religion every time I read your blog...that otherwise I push it off and forget to turn to it sometimes! That it is OKAY to talk about religious beliefs and convictions in this day and age.
~I am glad that your life continues on...even through this rough patch!!
~That I think you ROCK as a mom, wife, blogger, and FRIEND!!!!
***Friends both Frannie and Crouching Mommy, Hidden Laundry are really having a rough go of things lately...I also notice that the alchemist is even more sad than normal as of late. JQ is going through a tough legal battle as well. The rollercoaster continues for Kate and The Cat as well. Although we all have crap in our own lives, these people seem to need just a little extra attention right now!! Let's pull together to support these great people when you can.
Cyber hugs to all of you.
Would it surprise you to know that:
~I look for your comments every post I write and find a sense of peace when they are there??
~Your comments OFTEN make my eyes well up. You care so much.
~I feel I have found a kindred spirit in you??
~Your recipes are being saved for a rainy day here in OHIO??
~Your poop art story is STILL one of my favorite blog stories and will go down in blog history as so!
~I admire how you were able to leave behind that bad relationship of the past...it gives me hope.
~You inspire me to get myself on track so that I too can be a mom and wife with a house (I don't think a farm though :))!!!
~It is nice to know that you are human...that you are not just a perfect blogger with a perfect life and that WE might be a place YOU can turn to when need be.
~That you remind me about religion every time I read your blog...that otherwise I push it off and forget to turn to it sometimes! That it is OKAY to talk about religious beliefs and convictions in this day and age.
~I am glad that your life continues on...even through this rough patch!!
~That I think you ROCK as a mom, wife, blogger, and FRIEND!!!!
***Friends both Frannie and Crouching Mommy, Hidden Laundry are really having a rough go of things lately...I also notice that the alchemist is even more sad than normal as of late. JQ is going through a tough legal battle as well. The rollercoaster continues for Kate and The Cat as well. Although we all have crap in our own lives, these people seem to need just a little extra attention right now!! Let's pull together to support these great people when you can.
Cyber hugs to all of you.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
The nitty gritty
Okay guys...this is me...kinda. I have never felt very comfortable posting a picture...but here ya go. I feel comfortable with this because it is my picture, but not super clear. You cannot even tell that my hair was super blond in the photo! It's fun. Try it out when you can. Post it. Fair is fair!!Let's hope the crazy's stay away with all this personal info out there now...
Then this next little bit of info is courtesy of Karin's Korner meme:
1. MIDDLE NAME? Ann
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I wish, that would be cool…but alas, NO. My mom wanted to name me TAMI…Tami Ann…what am I a hillbilly?? Thank God my dad put his foot down on that one!!
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
I am all cried out…I honestly can’t remember.
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yes
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? Roast Beef…med. Rare and Boarshead brand.
6. KIDS? Not yet…but boy am I going to be a kick butt mom!
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes, I am very loyal and fun.
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes, I am very loyal and fun.
8. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL? I have one on my nightstand. There are like 10 entries in it and I have had it since spring.
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Often.
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Often.
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes
11. WOULD YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMP? Maybe. But it is not on the top of my list…and not off a bridge.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL? Honeycombs and Kashi honey wheat puffs.
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Sometimes. I have a foot injury currently that makes me do so when my foot is swollen!!
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? In mind and spirit. Kinda physically.
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR? Rocky Road…how apropos!
16. SHOE SIZE? 7 1/2
17. RED OR PINK? Red if lipstick…
18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF? I have a disconnect between my head and heart when it comes to loved ones.
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? AK
21. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black workout pants with white stripes down the side. White Brooks running shoes with yellow accents.
22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Christmas Cookies…Yum.
23. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? Yes. XM Radio Online…Fallout Boy “This ain’t a scene” is on!!
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? Chartreuse. Cuz I like the name.
25. FAVOURITE SMELL? Fresh Cut grass or a fire in the fireplace!!
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? AK
27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? The entire package all at once…
28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Just getting’ to know her…but so far she is wonderful!
29. FAVOURITE DRINK? Margarita
30. FAVOURITE SPORT? Football. skateboarding and snowboarding to watch!!
31. EYE COLOUR? Hazel
32. HAT SIZE? Let’s go with Medium on that one!
33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Lasik Baby. Lasik.
34. FAVOURITE FOOD? Bread…cheese…sushi.
35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy ending.
36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE THEATRE? Borat.
37. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? Black hoodie.
38. FAVOURITE SEASON? Fall
39. HUGS OR KISSES? Kisses…the good kind…and all over!
40. FAVOURITE DESSERT? Chocolate Pie with Fresh Strawberries or bananas
41. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Your best life now.
42. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? The Mouse. It is made of black leather though if that is what the question was really asking…and it has a gel wrist rest!
43. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? House.
44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles
45. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? Key West Florida
46. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? Picking Cheaters to date
47. WHEN & WHERE YOU WERE BORN: Fairview Park, Ohio
48. WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Karin’s Korner
** Now you are IT...if you have not already completed this...interested in hearing all about YOU.
Thoughts
Hey guys. I read your comments from the last post and I understand your sentiments. I agree with all of them. I find myself in a weird spot the last couple of months. Analyzing and working on just about everything. It is a bit exhausting to be honest. I have also been making sure to just relax lately...even if that means going to bed early.
I should give some more info after the last post. AK has still been asking to come over every evening. Yesterday we cooked dinner together and then later did the dishes together and it was very very relaxing. He has spent the night twice this past week. We have not kissed even once. Well, no more than on the cheek. There has been nothing like that going on. I have been standing back and watching. It is giving me the opportunity to SEE who he is now that the dust has settled. Before there was all this drama flying around mixed in with very high emotions and I could not figure out how I REALLY felt. I am slowly doing so now. I am not sure how it will turn out. I can honestly say 50/50 are the odds. Before this stuff I was so in love with him that working through things was the one thought at all. Now... Sometimes I feel like too much has happened and I believe we are over. Other times I am convinced that we will rise above the past. Always his presence is so natural and comforting.
This dinner date guy has been a miracle in the midst of all of this. He has reminded me what it is like to be in something that does not have any of the history...a clean slate. Innocence. It sure is nice.
Please take into account that this is only a sliver that I have been able to show you. It is a process and I need to figure it out on my own...very much like the advice to not twist AK's arm...I need to come to full terms with where we are going (even if it is our separate ways) in my own time. What I can say with certainty is that that young naive head over heels girl is gone. It is a shame really. I liked her spirit and her energy. Maybe I will find a more wise, slightly aged version very soon...with AK or some other deserving man.
I should give some more info after the last post. AK has still been asking to come over every evening. Yesterday we cooked dinner together and then later did the dishes together and it was very very relaxing. He has spent the night twice this past week. We have not kissed even once. Well, no more than on the cheek. There has been nothing like that going on. I have been standing back and watching. It is giving me the opportunity to SEE who he is now that the dust has settled. Before there was all this drama flying around mixed in with very high emotions and I could not figure out how I REALLY felt. I am slowly doing so now. I am not sure how it will turn out. I can honestly say 50/50 are the odds. Before this stuff I was so in love with him that working through things was the one thought at all. Now... Sometimes I feel like too much has happened and I believe we are over. Other times I am convinced that we will rise above the past. Always his presence is so natural and comforting.
This dinner date guy has been a miracle in the midst of all of this. He has reminded me what it is like to be in something that does not have any of the history...a clean slate. Innocence. It sure is nice.
Please take into account that this is only a sliver that I have been able to show you. It is a process and I need to figure it out on my own...very much like the advice to not twist AK's arm...I need to come to full terms with where we are going (even if it is our separate ways) in my own time. What I can say with certainty is that that young naive head over heels girl is gone. It is a shame really. I liked her spirit and her energy. Maybe I will find a more wise, slightly aged version very soon...with AK or some other deserving man.
Friday, December 08, 2006
It's a busy time.
Lots going on here. It has been snowing a good amount. That means revving up the snowblower and throwing salt down daily. I did bite the bullet and bought these great Columbia winter boots yesterday though. They were$130 and I got them for $85 out the door. I was way happy about that. I can use them to ski or snowboard. Let's see if it happens though. They have been on my list of things to try for years now.
Lots of baking going on here as well. I love the end result, but man is it time consuming. Just finished making 150 buckeyes. Now am working on Linzers. I have that cookie exchange with the gals this Sunday. Really looking forward to it. I will be sure to post about it.
I had a coming to Jesus talk with AK not too long after that WTF post. Things here have been interesting since. He did see my point about not being together but not really being broken up. We agreed to make movement one way or another. He has been over every day since and spent the night the last two evenings. His attitude has been fantastic and not in a fake way. OF COURSE my eyes are wide open. I have NO expectations and have been burned enough now that I am not sure how rebuilding could ever happen. Still thinking a lot about this. I am keeping my plans for a date this evening. It is only fair to that person and to myself. After all AK set this in motion, not me. I feel a little funny about hanging out with someone this evening when AK just left this morning, but I am guessing that AK will be out with the guys as usual and then my guilt will melt right away. It is going to take A LOT of ACTION not words this time if we are ever to decide to try to rebuild. This could change by the minute though, so keep tuned in.
Hope everyone is enjoying the season!!
Lots of baking going on here as well. I love the end result, but man is it time consuming. Just finished making 150 buckeyes. Now am working on Linzers. I have that cookie exchange with the gals this Sunday. Really looking forward to it. I will be sure to post about it.
I had a coming to Jesus talk with AK not too long after that WTF post. Things here have been interesting since. He did see my point about not being together but not really being broken up. We agreed to make movement one way or another. He has been over every day since and spent the night the last two evenings. His attitude has been fantastic and not in a fake way. OF COURSE my eyes are wide open. I have NO expectations and have been burned enough now that I am not sure how rebuilding could ever happen. Still thinking a lot about this. I am keeping my plans for a date this evening. It is only fair to that person and to myself. After all AK set this in motion, not me. I feel a little funny about hanging out with someone this evening when AK just left this morning, but I am guessing that AK will be out with the guys as usual and then my guilt will melt right away. It is going to take A LOT of ACTION not words this time if we are ever to decide to try to rebuild. This could change by the minute though, so keep tuned in.
Hope everyone is enjoying the season!!
Monday, December 04, 2006
Long Time No Write
Hey guys. I apologize for the lack of consideration. I should have stopped by sooner or posted something to let you guys know that I am okay. I wrote that last post and was so sickened at my own words and where I was emotionally and mentally that I just could not come back to read or write anything. I was mentally drained. I have been thinking a lot about you guys the last few days and wondering how you all are. I am sorry but I have not been reading your blogs at all either. It was really strange, but although I have grown to care about everyone, I just had no more energy to even read about what was going on in all of our lives. (I will catch up on that this week as I know I have missed A Lot!! I will respond to the emails as well.) I appreciate the concern you all showed and I was actually really touched that you care. I am not sure what happened inside of me, but I reached a limit of some kind. I just could not even THINK about all of the things that are going on with all of us...plus the people that are in my life that are not from this arena. It just was too much for a bit. I have grown to feel like you guys are really my friends and I was thinking about and worrying about some of you and trying to heal and take care of myself. Something had to give. I did TRY to read one day and just still felt overwhelmed... SO, I took a little time and I feel great again.
It is hard to keep in focus sometimes. I started feeling really negative pre-blog break. I started thinking that most everyone was a liar or a cheat or deceitful on some level and that the people that I had met on here were the perfect example of how unfair life is. Seemingly GREAT people that had in one way or another been hurt badly and it bugged me that there were so many individuals that had experienced this kind of pain. I just really started feeling like what the heck is the point of being a great person, girlfriend etc. So many seemingly undeserving people appear to have found what they are looking for...almost like being rewarded for being idiots while we all suffered.
SO I took some time and I have been thinking a lot. I never really thought of myself as self righteous to the level that I became. I mean, maybe those people just made different choices and did what it took to get what they need and want. Who am I to judge?? I also started thinking about how kind hearted all of you are. It put things in perspective. Yes. Most people do F Up and lie or cheat or deceive. For every one of them, there is someone that has shown kindness with the same intensity. Without realizing it I guess I felt bad for all of us...including myself. Now I have reminded myself that this is just LIFE. That bad things will happen and I can approach it differently. With a sense of peace maybe instead of stress and tears. I lost sight of all of the good things that I have been blessed with and was focusing only on all the stuff that has been happening. It feels good to let go of what SHOULD have been. This is the way IT IS, and that is OKAY TOO.
Pre-blog break I was simply not able to be productive the way I should. I was doing the minimum to just get by. The break gave me what I needed and I have that well rested ready to go feeling that you get after a long nap or vacation. I am going to nurture that by continuing to take time for myself first.
What I am most surprised about is that even though I have never met one of you, it was impossible to truly turn you guys out from my life...I did it for a bit out of necessity, but I have learned that you really are my friends and I care a great deal about you, very much like my friends outside of blog world.
SO, thanks for sticking with me. If I ever plan on taking another vacation of any sort I will let you know first.
I need to go...I have A LOT of reading to catch up on!!!!!!!
:)
It is hard to keep in focus sometimes. I started feeling really negative pre-blog break. I started thinking that most everyone was a liar or a cheat or deceitful on some level and that the people that I had met on here were the perfect example of how unfair life is. Seemingly GREAT people that had in one way or another been hurt badly and it bugged me that there were so many individuals that had experienced this kind of pain. I just really started feeling like what the heck is the point of being a great person, girlfriend etc. So many seemingly undeserving people appear to have found what they are looking for...almost like being rewarded for being idiots while we all suffered.
SO I took some time and I have been thinking a lot. I never really thought of myself as self righteous to the level that I became. I mean, maybe those people just made different choices and did what it took to get what they need and want. Who am I to judge?? I also started thinking about how kind hearted all of you are. It put things in perspective. Yes. Most people do F Up and lie or cheat or deceive. For every one of them, there is someone that has shown kindness with the same intensity. Without realizing it I guess I felt bad for all of us...including myself. Now I have reminded myself that this is just LIFE. That bad things will happen and I can approach it differently. With a sense of peace maybe instead of stress and tears. I lost sight of all of the good things that I have been blessed with and was focusing only on all the stuff that has been happening. It feels good to let go of what SHOULD have been. This is the way IT IS, and that is OKAY TOO.
Pre-blog break I was simply not able to be productive the way I should. I was doing the minimum to just get by. The break gave me what I needed and I have that well rested ready to go feeling that you get after a long nap or vacation. I am going to nurture that by continuing to take time for myself first.
What I am most surprised about is that even though I have never met one of you, it was impossible to truly turn you guys out from my life...I did it for a bit out of necessity, but I have learned that you really are my friends and I care a great deal about you, very much like my friends outside of blog world.
SO, thanks for sticking with me. If I ever plan on taking another vacation of any sort I will let you know first.
I need to go...I have A LOT of reading to catch up on!!!!!!!
:)
Monday, November 20, 2006
WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF
Hi AK,
It was so nice to see you this weekend! Pickwick and Frolick was a lot of fun. I still can't get over how the majician took Adam's watch off of his wrist without him noticing and how the coins moved from one hand to another. And I thought I was pretty attentive and could figure how he did that...NOT. I guess I can't change my name to Alexis Coppperfield...yet. Anyhow, I know you have been super busy with work, but I very much appreciate that you took the time to join us. We should get together more often. Seeing you always puts a smile on my face...I just think the world of you!!
This e-mail has all the information for the next couple of weekends. Please call me or e-mail me if you are able to attend as soon as possible, so I can make the proper reservations for all.
Hope to see you soon!!!
Most fondly, Alexis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is an email in AK's email today. WHAT A S.O.B. Remember on Saturday when I told you he was texting me like a lunatic accusing me of being on a date and blah blah fing blah...well once I left my friends house, he went out with a group of GREEK people...guys and girls. Here is an example of a girl that is just a FRIEND. AM I FUCKING NUTS??? This is how every one of his FRIENDS feels about him and talks to him. FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF. MOST FONDLY?? I don't care that he is not attracted to this girl (she is large) GOING OUT WITH OTHER WOMEN MAKES THEM THINK YOU LIKE THEM PIG WHAT DON'T YOU GET. She attached a fucking agenda for the night before thanksgiving, the night after thanksgiving and a couple of dates in December that she is inviting him to with her and her friends. Mind you, I went to church with this girl (AK's Greek fing church)...mind you in the 8 years we dated we never hung out with her and her girlfriends like he is now. That is what burns me most...when it is time to move or when his dad was dying WHERE THE FUCK were these "FRIENDS"?????????? If they were friends why did I NEVER hang out and get to know them????
NOTHING is special with us...NOTHING for example... remember on THURSDAY when we went to the comedian for his birthday...SAME FUCKING PLACE he went on Saturday with these guys only clearly they had a blast and he was ready to go home early and was a crying weirdo with me...and on his birthday because I WAS THERE, it was only the two of us and two guy friends...notice NOT ONE OF HIS FUCKING GIRL FRIENDS was invited??? WHY NOT if they are such good friends??
BTW, I FUCKING HATE HATE HATE the mentality of GREEK people. I don't care how many people get offended by that I HATE YOUR FUCKING GREEK MENTALITY. It is disrespectful and RIDICULOUS. AK is only half Greek by the way you fucking tools. NOT ONE Irish person considers him to be in their click WHY NOT??? I'll tell you, cuz they are not fucking in the 8th grade, that is why!! THEY don't care that he is Irish. In AK's eyes, it is not the POPULAR SEXY thing to be Irish, so he never brings THAT up...only that he is GREEK!!! AND BTW...YOU ARE IN AMERICA...most of you born and raised...you are American you idiot...SPEAK the fucking language or go back to where your parents came from if you think it is so great and superior to us common AMERICANS. EVERY Greek person I have met thinks you are super close and bonded together because you are Greek. THAT IS STUPID. I am a girl, I am not in a click with every fucking female. I am Ukrainian. SO FING WHAT??? I do not need to hang out with Every Ukrainian in Cleveland. ETC. ETC.
I know this is a mad rant, but I can't take this constant bullshit every fucking day. I have got to just break all ties with this disrespectful ex of mine. HOW do you just erase someone from your life?? Idiot or not?? How do you just not talk to someone who has been there for better or worse EVERY DAY for the last 8yrs??? I DO NOT BELIEVE that I needed to go through all this shit to be a better person...There has never been any danger of me acting the way he does. I do not deserve this.
THIS SONG is blaring today!!
It was so nice to see you this weekend! Pickwick and Frolick was a lot of fun. I still can't get over how the majician took Adam's watch off of his wrist without him noticing and how the coins moved from one hand to another. And I thought I was pretty attentive and could figure how he did that...NOT. I guess I can't change my name to Alexis Coppperfield...yet. Anyhow, I know you have been super busy with work, but I very much appreciate that you took the time to join us. We should get together more often. Seeing you always puts a smile on my face...I just think the world of you!!
This e-mail has all the information for the next couple of weekends. Please call me or e-mail me if you are able to attend as soon as possible, so I can make the proper reservations for all.
Hope to see you soon!!!
Most fondly, Alexis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is an email in AK's email today. WHAT A S.O.B. Remember on Saturday when I told you he was texting me like a lunatic accusing me of being on a date and blah blah fing blah...well once I left my friends house, he went out with a group of GREEK people...guys and girls. Here is an example of a girl that is just a FRIEND. AM I FUCKING NUTS??? This is how every one of his FRIENDS feels about him and talks to him. FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF. MOST FONDLY?? I don't care that he is not attracted to this girl (she is large) GOING OUT WITH OTHER WOMEN MAKES THEM THINK YOU LIKE THEM PIG WHAT DON'T YOU GET. She attached a fucking agenda for the night before thanksgiving, the night after thanksgiving and a couple of dates in December that she is inviting him to with her and her friends. Mind you, I went to church with this girl (AK's Greek fing church)...mind you in the 8 years we dated we never hung out with her and her girlfriends like he is now. That is what burns me most...when it is time to move or when his dad was dying WHERE THE FUCK were these "FRIENDS"?????????? If they were friends why did I NEVER hang out and get to know them????
NOTHING is special with us...NOTHING for example... remember on THURSDAY when we went to the comedian for his birthday...SAME FUCKING PLACE he went on Saturday with these guys only clearly they had a blast and he was ready to go home early and was a crying weirdo with me...and on his birthday because I WAS THERE, it was only the two of us and two guy friends...notice NOT ONE OF HIS FUCKING GIRL FRIENDS was invited??? WHY NOT if they are such good friends??
BTW, I FUCKING HATE HATE HATE the mentality of GREEK people. I don't care how many people get offended by that I HATE YOUR FUCKING GREEK MENTALITY. It is disrespectful and RIDICULOUS. AK is only half Greek by the way you fucking tools. NOT ONE Irish person considers him to be in their click WHY NOT??? I'll tell you, cuz they are not fucking in the 8th grade, that is why!! THEY don't care that he is Irish. In AK's eyes, it is not the POPULAR SEXY thing to be Irish, so he never brings THAT up...only that he is GREEK!!! AND BTW...YOU ARE IN AMERICA...most of you born and raised...you are American you idiot...SPEAK the fucking language or go back to where your parents came from if you think it is so great and superior to us common AMERICANS. EVERY Greek person I have met thinks you are super close and bonded together because you are Greek. THAT IS STUPID. I am a girl, I am not in a click with every fucking female. I am Ukrainian. SO FING WHAT??? I do not need to hang out with Every Ukrainian in Cleveland. ETC. ETC.
I know this is a mad rant, but I can't take this constant bullshit every fucking day. I have got to just break all ties with this disrespectful ex of mine. HOW do you just erase someone from your life?? Idiot or not?? How do you just not talk to someone who has been there for better or worse EVERY DAY for the last 8yrs??? I DO NOT BELIEVE that I needed to go through all this shit to be a better person...There has never been any danger of me acting the way he does. I do not deserve this.
THIS SONG is blaring today!!
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