Happy Holidays!!!

Happy Holidays Everyone. Whatever it is you celebrate!!
Me?? It's Christmas. So far so good. I picked up two of my nephews (1 and 5) yesterday and spent the day with them. We sang Christmas carols ALL day, we shopped for presents for them to give out, we wrapped them afterwards (so cute how terrible the paper looks, but how PERFECT it actually is with the pride of a little boy behind it!!), we had the famous picture with Santa taken!! It was a long but very fulfilling day!!!

Seeing Santa was truly magical. All 5yr old attitude melted away and his eyes just lit up when he was sitting on Santa's lap!! He was so comfortable just asking him questions like "What do the reindeer eat, and where are they anyway?? The North Pole?? What about Mrs. Claus is she there?? How do the elf's get back to the N.Pole (they were with him in Westlake!!)" My heart just soared!! How sweet life can be!!!

Dinner date guy sent me a Christmas arrangement on Wed.
What a sweet gesture!! Not sure at all what to do about that guy! :) I guess time will tell.
I am not going to have much time until after the holidays to post...if I do get a minute I will swing by, but it looks doubtful.

I hope that all of you have a safe and beautiful Holiday filled with peace, happiness, friends and family!!

I am not it.

I had lunch with one of my gal pals yesterday. She could tell that I was struggling even though I have not said anything lately( I could not eat...I didn't even order). She confided in me that she too had gone through a very dark time with a previous boyfriend (later her husband). There were so many similarities. I know that other people go through things in relationships, but every time I hear someone relating to me in this manner, I am shocked. I feel like the only one that cannot get a grip on what is right or wrong. She is now married to the love of her life and has a baby that is 7 months old and a picture of joy!!! She made it!! I cannot believe how many people go through this turmoil in relationships!!! If you love someone WHY WHY WHY do you hurt them???

Anyways, I think AK and I no matter how much we love each other just need to let go.
Life should not be like this. Really big joy then the worst of the worst angst.
I don't believe that he intended to hurt me the way he has. I think he wishes things were different. He is NOT capable of being that man anymore. I actually feel like an abuser by fighting all the time over these women. He is who he is. I know it. Why am I fighting for something that is not possible.

Yesterday we had one of the worst fights EVER. It was so terrible. I SLAPPED him across the face. That is the worst thing ever because his mom used to slap him across the face all of the time when he was little and I PROMISED him almost nine years ago that I would NEVER physically hurt him, ESPECIALLY in that manner. He never saw it coming. I could not think of another way to make him see HOW MUCH and HOW BADLY he was hurting me...it was ALL I could think of. The calm talking, the crying, the yelling, the written letters ETC. ETC. nothing has worked EVEN when he said it did!!

Afterwards I swear I felt like throwing up. I do not think ANYONE has the right to touch another person like that...and that I would WANT to HURT the most important person in the world turns my stomach. I was sitting there thinking that NO MATTER how much we do care about and love each other, it has turned into something very ugly and is so incredibly tragic that it would come to this. I apologized for slapping him...not for what I was mad about, but the slap.

If I can relay this feeling to you...it is that MY SOUL was injured with that one motion. I also saw a look in his eyes of such pain. Not of Physical pain, even though I am sure that stung, it was something far worse. How could I injure someone that is OBVIOUSLY so INJURED already??? I sit here bawling my eyes out writing this because I am so sad. How did this happen to two people that want to be together so badly?? How can someone be so ILL to keep making the same mistakes over and over and over even though it tortures them??

After our hideous fight, I was saying to JUST leave. I told him that THAT was IT, that we were DONE forever. He refused. He laid down on the couch and closed his eyes for a very long time. I think we both were so shocked and wounded. I went to lay in my bed. As if that were not bad enough....

Someone knocks on my door. It is one of the girls that lives in my building...She backed up and wrecked AK's car. I felt such guilt...that if we had not been fighting, he would not have been over, he would have been at the gym where he was heading.

After that fiasco, he just came in and said "I know you have not eaten all day, so let's go get some dinner." I knew if I did not go I would stay in bed for the remainder of the day, and I wanted to make peace with the situation, so we went. It was weird. Something has clicked in me...it's that feeling of my soul being wounded...REALLY. I felt distant from him for the first time in my life. Not cold at all...just like LIFE had changed. I felt like we were broken up. I did not say I love you as I do every single day. I did not feel any negative emotions, I just felt sad but also like I KNEW that we need to let go. I want him to be happy and I told him so. I will no longer get worked up over anything. I want him to do WHATEVER makes his life better. I am not it. For whatever reason...I am not it.

To Frannie (and friends) with love...

***Your blog is SOOO impossible to leave comments on sometimes, so I give up today and post here instead... This is in response to one of your latest entries!!

Would it surprise you to know that:
~I look for your comments every post I write and find a sense of peace when they are there??
~Your comments OFTEN make my eyes well up. You care so much.
~I feel I have found a kindred spirit in you??
~Your recipes are being saved for a rainy day here in OHIO??
~Your poop art story is STILL one of my favorite blog stories and will go down in blog history as so!
~I admire how you were able to leave behind that bad relationship of the past...it gives me hope.
~You inspire me to get myself on track so that I too can be a mom and wife with a house (I don't think a farm though :))!!!
~It is nice to know that you are human...that you are not just a perfect blogger with a perfect life and that WE might be a place YOU can turn to when need be.
~That you remind me about religion every time I read your blog...that otherwise I push it off and forget to turn to it sometimes! That it is OKAY to talk about religious beliefs and convictions in this day and age.
~I am glad that your life continues on...even through this rough patch!!
~That I think you ROCK as a mom, wife, blogger, and FRIEND!!!!

***Friends both Frannie and Crouching Mommy, Hidden Laundry are really having a rough go of things lately...I also notice that the alchemist is even more sad than normal as of late. JQ is going through a tough legal battle as well. The rollercoaster continues for Kate and The Cat as well. Although we all have crap in our own lives, these people seem to need just a little extra attention right now!! Let's pull together to support these great people when you can.
Cyber hugs to all of you.

The nitty gritty

Okay guys...this is me...kinda. I have never felt very comfortable posting a picture...but here ya go. I feel comfortable with this because it is my picture, but not super clear. You cannot even tell that my hair was super blond in the photo! It's fun. Try it out when you can. Post it. Fair is fair!!
Let's hope the crazy's stay away with all this personal info out there now...

Then this next little bit of info is courtesy of Karin's Korner meme:

1. MIDDLE NAME? Ann

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I wish, that would be cool…but alas, NO. My mom wanted to name me TAMI…Tami Ann…what am I a hillbilly?? Thank God my dad put his foot down on that one!!

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?

I am all cried out…I honestly can’t remember.

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yes

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? Roast Beef…med. Rare and Boarshead brand.

6. KIDS? Not yet…but boy am I going to be a kick butt mom!
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes, I am very loyal and fun.

8. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL? I have one on my nightstand. There are like 10 entries in it and I have had it since spring.
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Often.

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes

11. WOULD YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMP? Maybe. But it is not on the top of my list…and not off a bridge.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL? Honeycombs and Kashi honey wheat puffs.

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Sometimes. I have a foot injury currently that makes me do so when my foot is swollen!!

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? In mind and spirit. Kinda physically.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR? Rocky Road…how apropos!

16. SHOE SIZE? 7 1/2

17. RED OR PINK? Red if lipstick…

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF? I have a disconnect between my head and heart when it comes to loved ones.

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? AK

21. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black workout pants with white stripes down the side. White Brooks running shoes with yellow accents.

22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Christmas Cookies…Yum.

23. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? Yes. XM Radio Online…Fallout Boy “This ain’t a scene” is on!!

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? Chartreuse. Cuz I like the name.

25. FAVOURITE SMELL? Fresh Cut grass or a fire in the fireplace!!

26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? AK

27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? The entire package all at once…

28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Just getting’ to know her…but so far she is wonderful!

29. FAVOURITE DRINK? Margarita

30. FAVOURITE SPORT? Football. skateboarding and snowboarding to watch!!

31. EYE COLOUR? Hazel

32. HAT SIZE? Let’s go with Medium on that one!

33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Lasik Baby. Lasik.

34. FAVOURITE FOOD? Bread…cheese…sushi.

35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy ending.

36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE THEATRE? Borat.

37. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? Black hoodie.

38. FAVOURITE SEASON? Fall

39. HUGS OR KISSES? Kisses…the good kind…and all over!

40. FAVOURITE DESSERT? Chocolate Pie with Fresh Strawberries or bananas

41. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Your best life now.

42. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? The Mouse. It is made of black leather though if that is what the question was really asking…and it has a gel wrist rest!

43. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? House.

44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles

45. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? Key West Florida

46. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? Picking Cheaters to date

47. WHEN & WHERE YOU WERE BORN: Fairview Park, Ohio

48. WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Karin’s Korner

** Now you are IT...if you have not already completed this...interested in hearing all about YOU.

Thoughts

Hey guys. I read your comments from the last post and I understand your sentiments. I agree with all of them. I find myself in a weird spot the last couple of months. Analyzing and working on just about everything. It is a bit exhausting to be honest. I have also been making sure to just relax lately...even if that means going to bed early.

I should give some more info after the last post. AK has still been asking to come over every evening. Yesterday we cooked dinner together and then later did the dishes together and it was very very relaxing. He has spent the night twice this past week. We have not kissed even once. Well, no more than on the cheek. There has been nothing like that going on. I have been standing back and watching. It is giving me the opportunity to SEE who he is now that the dust has settled. Before there was all this drama flying around mixed in with very high emotions and I could not figure out how I REALLY felt. I am slowly doing so now. I am not sure how it will turn out. I can honestly say 50/50 are the odds. Before this stuff I was so in love with him that working through things was the one thought at all. Now... Sometimes I feel like too much has happened and I believe we are over. Other times I am convinced that we will rise above the past. Always his presence is so natural and comforting.

This dinner date guy has been a miracle in the midst of all of this. He has reminded me what it is like to be in something that does not have any of the history...a clean slate. Innocence. It sure is nice.

Please take into account that this is only a sliver that I have been able to show you. It is a process and I need to figure it out on my own...very much like the advice to not twist AK's arm...I need to come to full terms with where we are going (even if it is our separate ways) in my own time. What I can say with certainty is that that young naive head over heels girl is gone. It is a shame really. I liked her spirit and her energy. Maybe I will find a more wise, slightly aged version very soon...with AK or some other deserving man.

It's a busy time.

Lots going on here. It has been snowing a good amount. That means revving up the snowblower and throwing salt down daily. I did bite the bullet and bought these great Columbia winter boots yesterday though. They were$130 and I got them for $85 out the door. I was way happy about that. I can use them to ski or snowboard. Let's see if it happens though. They have been on my list of things to try for years now.

Lots of baking going on here as well. I love the end result, but man is it time consuming. Just finished making 150 buckeyes. Now am working on Linzers. I have that cookie exchange with the gals this Sunday. Really looking forward to it. I will be sure to post about it.

I had a coming to Jesus talk with AK not too long after that WTF post. Things here have been interesting since. He did see my point about not being together but not really being broken up. We agreed to make movement one way or another. He has been over every day since and spent the night the last two evenings. His attitude has been fantastic and not in a fake way. OF COURSE my eyes are wide open. I have NO expectations and have been burned enough now that I am not sure how rebuilding could ever happen. Still thinking a lot about this. I am keeping my plans for a date this evening. It is only fair to that person and to myself. After all AK set this in motion, not me. I feel a little funny about hanging out with someone this evening when AK just left this morning, but I am guessing that AK will be out with the guys as usual and then my guilt will melt right away. It is going to take A LOT of ACTION not words this time if we are ever to decide to try to rebuild. This could change by the minute though, so keep tuned in.
Hope everyone is enjoying the season!!

Long Time No Write

Hey guys. I apologize for the lack of consideration. I should have stopped by sooner or posted something to let you guys know that I am okay. I wrote that last post and was so sickened at my own words and where I was emotionally and mentally that I just could not come back to read or write anything. I was mentally drained. I have been thinking a lot about you guys the last few days and wondering how you all are. I am sorry but I have not been reading your blogs at all either. It was really strange, but although I have grown to care about everyone, I just had no more energy to even read about what was going on in all of our lives. (I will catch up on that this week as I know I have missed A Lot!! I will respond to the emails as well.) I appreciate the concern you all showed and I was actually really touched that you care. I am not sure what happened inside of me, but I reached a limit of some kind. I just could not even THINK about all of the things that are going on with all of us...plus the people that are in my life that are not from this arena. It just was too much for a bit. I have grown to feel like you guys are really my friends and I was thinking about and worrying about some of you and trying to heal and take care of myself. Something had to give. I did TRY to read one day and just still felt overwhelmed... SO, I took a little time and I feel great again.

It is hard to keep in focus sometimes. I started feeling really negative pre-blog break. I started thinking that most everyone was a liar or a cheat or deceitful on some level and that the people that I had met on here were the perfect example of how unfair life is. Seemingly GREAT people that had in one way or another been hurt badly and it bugged me that there were so many individuals that had experienced this kind of pain. I just really started feeling like what the heck is the point of being a great person, girlfriend etc. So many seemingly undeserving people appear to have found what they are looking for...almost like being rewarded for being idiots while we all suffered.

SO I took some time and I have been thinking a lot. I never really thought of myself as self righteous to the level that I became. I mean, maybe those people just made different choices and did what it took to get what they need and want. Who am I to judge?? I also started thinking about how kind hearted all of you are. It put things in perspective. Yes. Most people do F Up and lie or cheat or deceive. For every one of them, there is someone that has shown kindness with the same intensity. Without realizing it I guess I felt bad for all of us...including myself. Now I have reminded myself that this is just LIFE. That bad things will happen and I can approach it differently. With a sense of peace maybe instead of stress and tears. I lost sight of all of the good things that I have been blessed with and was focusing only on all the stuff that has been happening. It feels good to let go of what SHOULD have been. This is the way IT IS, and that is OKAY TOO.

Pre-blog break I was simply not able to be productive the way I should. I was doing the minimum to just get by. The break gave me what I needed and I have that well rested ready to go feeling that you get after a long nap or vacation. I am going to nurture that by continuing to take time for myself first.

What I am most surprised about is that even though I have never met one of you, it was impossible to truly turn you guys out from my life...I did it for a bit out of necessity, but I have learned that you really are my friends and I care a great deal about you, very much like my friends outside of blog world.
SO, thanks for sticking with me. If I ever plan on taking another vacation of any sort I will let you know first.
I need to go...I have A LOT of reading to catch up on!!!!!!!
:)

WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF

Hi AK,

It was so nice to see you this weekend! Pickwick and Frolick was a lot of fun. I still can't get over how the majician took Adam's watch off of his wrist without him noticing and how the coins moved from one hand to another. And I thought I was pretty attentive and could figure how he did that...NOT. I guess I can't change my name to Alexis Coppperfield...yet. Anyhow, I know you have been super busy with work, but I very much appreciate that you took the time to join us. We should get together more often. Seeing you always puts a smile on my face...I just think the world of you!!

This e-mail has all the information for the next couple of weekends. Please call me or e-mail me if you are able to attend as soon as possible, so I can make the proper reservations for all.

Hope to see you soon!!!

Most fondly, Alexis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is an email in AK's email today. WHAT A S.O.B. Remember on Saturday when I told you he was texting me like a lunatic accusing me of being on a date and blah blah fing blah...well once I left my friends house, he went out with a group of GREEK people...guys and girls. Here is an example of a girl that is just a FRIEND. AM I FUCKING NUTS??? This is how every one of his FRIENDS feels about him and talks to him. FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF. MOST FONDLY?? I don't care that he is not attracted to this girl (she is large) GOING OUT WITH OTHER WOMEN MAKES THEM THINK YOU LIKE THEM PIG WHAT DON'T YOU GET. She attached a fucking agenda for the night before thanksgiving, the night after thanksgiving and a couple of dates in December that she is inviting him to with her and her friends. Mind you, I went to church with this girl (AK's Greek fing church)...mind you in the 8 years we dated we never hung out with her and her girlfriends like he is now. That is what burns me most...when it is time to move or when his dad was dying WHERE THE FUCK were these "FRIENDS"?????????? If they were friends why did I NEVER hang out and get to know them????
NOTHING is special with us...NOTHING for example... remember on THURSDAY when we went to the comedian for his birthday...SAME FUCKING PLACE he went on Saturday with these guys only clearly they had a blast and he was ready to go home early and was a crying weirdo with me...and on his birthday because I WAS THERE, it was only the two of us and two guy friends...notice NOT ONE OF HIS FUCKING GIRL FRIENDS was invited??? WHY NOT if they are such good friends??

BTW, I FUCKING HATE HATE HATE the mentality of GREEK people. I don't care how many people get offended by that I HATE YOUR FUCKING GREEK MENTALITY. It is disrespectful and RIDICULOUS. AK is only half Greek by the way you fucking tools. NOT ONE Irish person considers him to be in their click WHY NOT??? I'll tell you, cuz they are not fucking in the 8th grade, that is why!! THEY don't care that he is Irish. In AK's eyes, it is not the POPULAR SEXY thing to be Irish, so he never brings THAT up...only that he is GREEK!!! AND BTW...YOU ARE IN AMERICA...most of you born and raised...you are American you idiot...SPEAK the fucking language or go back to where your parents came from if you think it is so great and superior to us common AMERICANS. EVERY Greek person I have met thinks you are super close and bonded together because you are Greek. THAT IS STUPID. I am a girl, I am not in a click with every fucking female. I am Ukrainian. SO FING WHAT??? I do not need to hang out with Every Ukrainian in Cleveland. ETC. ETC.
I know this is a mad rant, but I can't take this constant bullshit every fucking day. I have got to just break all ties with this disrespectful ex of mine. HOW do you just erase someone from your life?? Idiot or not?? How do you just not talk to someone who has been there for better or worse EVERY DAY for the last 8yrs??? I DO NOT BELIEVE that I needed to go through all this shit to be a better person...There has never been any danger of me acting the way he does. I do not deserve this.
THIS SONG is blaring today!!

Small pleasures

O-H-I-O!!

The dinner party was a lot of fun yesterday. My pumpkin chiffon pie was a hit. I will be making that again for sure. Already looking forward to our December event! We just stayed in and watched the game. Cute dinner date guy was in Cbus at the game and was texting me during it . SO CUTE...as a matter of fact, he sent me a picture of everyone rushing the field the second the game was over! AK was texting me like a crazy as well asking me to call him and wanting to know if I was on a date (he knows I love football and he hates it)! He tries to spin stuff to make this my fault which really ticks me off...some of his text messages were accusing me of acting the same way he was since we broke up...OHHHHHH, SO I SHOULD REMAIN MS. PERFECT while he CONTINUES TO F ME OVER, never mind that HE is the one ANNOUNCING to the world that we are broken up!! His logic is SOOOOO bizarre. I just know he thinks we are getting married once he gets all this shit out of his system, which leads me to this song that I think expresses it well...I cannot believe she is barely 19yrs old!! My favorite line is near the end when she says "Ain't Nobody got no business stressing all the time". AMEN to that!!

Hope all of you are enjoying and relaxing this rainy Sunday!

Ohio. Games, Celebrations and Epiphany's.

So this is the weekend of all weekends here in Ohio. The GREAT match between Ohio State and Michigan is tomorrow. Dinner date guy is heading down there as I type. He is an alumnus and has season tickets with his family and a group of friends from school. I have to admit that his enthusiasm is contagious. I have a feeling OSU will win. Either way, it is fun to watch. It really is like a phenomena all the hype and the sheer number of fans for this team!!

Well, tomorrow is also my monthly dinner with the gals. We do a secret Santa each year so we don't have to spend a fortune on each other. We write down three things we would appreciate along with our name. We are exchanging tomorrow at our Thanksgiving feast because some of us wanted x-mas stuff. Also we have a total of 10 people coming to our December event (cookie & candy making/boxing and decorating) and we do not want to make anyone feel left out. ANYWAYS...my secret Santa sent me THIS ! It arrived a day early (no complaints here) and I am thrilled. Silly I know, but I have needed one of those for quite some time and just did not want to spend the money on something so stupid. It is sitting out on my cook top and when I walk by it just makes me smile! I can just imagine how much easier chocolate making will be with this!

Yesterday was AK's birthday. His 30th. We went out to a comedy club with his two closest guy friends, then out for more drinks. It was an eye opener. We were front and center (literally). I mean I could have reached out to touch the guy. Well, you know what comes next. OF COURSE he picks on our table...I mean, we are in front of him and it is AK's Bday. He starts off with this bit about LOVERS...yep, he looks AK right straight in the face and says "THIS girl your lover?" while pointing at me. He paused for a second and then shook his head NO. The guy said "NO???"
and AK said "No." The comedian pointed over to AK's best friend and said "What? THIS guy your lover?" Ha. He then proceeded to turn to the table next to us to ask the next guy. He of course said yes, and then the comedian instructed the guy to kiss her. The boyfriend grabbed the back of her neck and kissed her like he meant it. Not sure what the punchline was because I zoned out at that point.
I looked as composed as any other person in the room, but in that moment my life was changed forever. I know it should have been a million other things that did it, but a public announcement (rather denouncement) of me was it. I felt the switch go OFF inside. I felt so completely beyond emotion. I didn't feel like crying, I was not mad, embarrassed??~what for~it was no worse than chasing skirt around town while I was out proclaiming how close we were to engagement. Technically he didn't lie...we haven't had sex in one full month. I felt cold inside. Not bitter. Maybe empty. I was on auto pilot the remainder of the night. I did my good girl duties by being nice and smiling and not ruining anyones birthday, but I felt like going home and getting on with my life.

When I was driving us home I could tell there was a deep sadness in AK. I tried to talk to him about it, thought maybe it was because of the silly dreaded 30 mark. He said he was just tired. When I got settled in myself, I called him back and I didn't even need him to say hello. I knew he was crying. He sat on the telephone with me for 45 minutes and just cried. He said he was not upset about being 30, but he would not give up the cause in full. He just kept saying "Everything". I sat there and was amazed at how miserable we both had become. We used to be so happy. Our relationship is gone now though. I KNOW that now.

He came over today to use the computer. I needed to leave for about 15 minutes. When I returned, I saw that he had a porn screen minimized. It literally scares me how my brain and body reacts to this stuff now. I just shut off and it feels really scary. Vacant even. I asked him why and he said because he is a guy, not a female (meaning this is natural and what all guys do). So I asked him when he was going to get help and he replied "When I want to." Nail meet coffin. I reached in front of him, closed the window in full and reminded him of his broken promise once again to never do that on MY computer in MY home again. I then just got up and went to he adjoining bedroom and laid there. He came in apologized and said that he was sorry for disrespecting me. It fell on deaf ears. The switch is off. It will never be back on for him.