Ohio. Games, Celebrations and Epiphany's.

So this is the weekend of all weekends here in Ohio. The GREAT match between Ohio State and Michigan is tomorrow. Dinner date guy is heading down there as I type. He is an alumnus and has season tickets with his family and a group of friends from school. I have to admit that his enthusiasm is contagious. I have a feeling OSU will win. Either way, it is fun to watch. It really is like a phenomena all the hype and the sheer number of fans for this team!!

Well, tomorrow is also my monthly dinner with the gals. We do a secret Santa each year so we don't have to spend a fortune on each other. We write down three things we would appreciate along with our name. We are exchanging tomorrow at our Thanksgiving feast because some of us wanted x-mas stuff. Also we have a total of 10 people coming to our December event (cookie & candy making/boxing and decorating) and we do not want to make anyone feel left out. ANYWAYS...my secret Santa sent me THIS ! It arrived a day early (no complaints here) and I am thrilled. Silly I know, but I have needed one of those for quite some time and just did not want to spend the money on something so stupid. It is sitting out on my cook top and when I walk by it just makes me smile! I can just imagine how much easier chocolate making will be with this!

Yesterday was AK's birthday. His 30th. We went out to a comedy club with his two closest guy friends, then out for more drinks. It was an eye opener. We were front and center (literally). I mean I could have reached out to touch the guy. Well, you know what comes next. OF COURSE he picks on our table...I mean, we are in front of him and it is AK's Bday. He starts off with this bit about LOVERS...yep, he looks AK right straight in the face and says "THIS girl your lover?" while pointing at me. He paused for a second and then shook his head NO. The guy said "NO???"
and AK said "No." The comedian pointed over to AK's best friend and said "What? THIS guy your lover?" Ha. He then proceeded to turn to the table next to us to ask the next guy. He of course said yes, and then the comedian instructed the guy to kiss her. The boyfriend grabbed the back of her neck and kissed her like he meant it. Not sure what the punchline was because I zoned out at that point.
I looked as composed as any other person in the room, but in that moment my life was changed forever. I know it should have been a million other things that did it, but a public announcement (rather denouncement) of me was it. I felt the switch go OFF inside. I felt so completely beyond emotion. I didn't feel like crying, I was not mad, embarrassed??~what for~it was no worse than chasing skirt around town while I was out proclaiming how close we were to engagement. Technically he didn't lie...we haven't had sex in one full month. I felt cold inside. Not bitter. Maybe empty. I was on auto pilot the remainder of the night. I did my good girl duties by being nice and smiling and not ruining anyones birthday, but I felt like going home and getting on with my life.

When I was driving us home I could tell there was a deep sadness in AK. I tried to talk to him about it, thought maybe it was because of the silly dreaded 30 mark. He said he was just tired. When I got settled in myself, I called him back and I didn't even need him to say hello. I knew he was crying. He sat on the telephone with me for 45 minutes and just cried. He said he was not upset about being 30, but he would not give up the cause in full. He just kept saying "Everything". I sat there and was amazed at how miserable we both had become. We used to be so happy. Our relationship is gone now though. I KNOW that now.

He came over today to use the computer. I needed to leave for about 15 minutes. When I returned, I saw that he had a porn screen minimized. It literally scares me how my brain and body reacts to this stuff now. I just shut off and it feels really scary. Vacant even. I asked him why and he said because he is a guy, not a female (meaning this is natural and what all guys do). So I asked him when he was going to get help and he replied "When I want to." Nail meet coffin. I reached in front of him, closed the window in full and reminded him of his broken promise once again to never do that on MY computer in MY home again. I then just got up and went to he adjoining bedroom and laid there. He came in apologized and said that he was sorry for disrespecting me. It fell on deaf ears. The switch is off. It will never be back on for him.

Good Grief

Dilemna #4,125,689,547,859.
Dinner date guy.
He is so great. Gentle, thoughtful, fun, witty, educated, INTO ME...cute enough.
Last night I hung out with him...
I emailed him first and said "I am taking myself out of the dating pool for a bit…care to grab a drink in a little while to chat about that…or ignore that (as you may care less) and down a couple anyways??"
We had a blast grabbing drinks and then dinner later on. Then he came back to my place and I assumed that he wanted to talk about the email because he did not bring it up at all earlier.

So, we started talking about the email...he read it quickly and what HE THOUGHT I meant was that I was taking myself out of the dating pool because I liked HIM.
OMG. Did I say OMG?? O.M.G. It went something like this...

HIM: Wait a second, back up, what you wrote...it is BAD for ME??"
ME: (I took in some air first and cursed email) "Well, I'm not sure...I mean you have never really said if you like me or not...or if you like 10 other women at the same time even."
HIM: "So, say that I DO like you...is this BAD for ME??
Me: (feeling like I am going to pass out) "Ummm. Yes."
**Crickets**
HIM: "So talk to me about what you mean."
Me: (Insert some fumbling around with words while I trip over my tongue and thoughts)
HIM: "So, for the record. You know I like you right?? I like you."

WOW. Double WOW.

We talked for about an hour after that. He was GREAT. He played with my hair the entire time (I MELT FOR THAT) and listened and talked and respected where I was at. I said SOME things about the situation with A.K. but not very much. I wanted to let him know why I am where I am without overloading on the Jerry Springer transcript. I think he got as much as possible with the limited info I was offering up. He told me to do what is best for me and to not worry about other people, and to take all the time I need.

I need a rewind button...anyone have one I can borrow?? Just to use to get back the last 8+ yrs.

It's not your fault.

When you see other people as they are without taking it personally, you can never be hurt by what they say or do. Even if others lie to you, it is okay. They are lying to you because they are afraid you will discover that they are not perfect.

It's not your fault. It's NOT your fault.

** I am trying very hard to learn this lesson and to find peace in it.

Letting go

I believe I think to much. Just not about the right things. This funk I have been in is pointless, but I have just not been able to shake it. Tonight I FEEL calm about all of it. I think I am just reaching a point of acceptance. I have been thinking everyday about how much I love AK, about all the years and countless things we did together, about all our future plans and about the betrayal(s) and the way they make me feel.
If I were to focus all this energy on myself, I would be back to normal (even better) pretty quickly. I hope this feeling lasts, because tonight I do not feel angry, just over it in a very calm way. I don't feel like I need answers or acceptance from him. I don't feel like I need anything from him. I can tell that I can go to bed and fall asleep for the first time in a long while. I am finally starting to realize that it does not matter what he is doing, who he is hanging out with, talking to, dating etc...I am okay. I can do this for and by myself. I can let go. Not I HAVE to let go, I want to. It is no longer about what I don't want, which is all I have been focusing on...like I don't want him to leave, to talk to other girls etc...but now I FEEL like it is about what I do want. Like a healthy life...like my self esteem back...like a feeling of peace. Like happiness again.
I think a new chapter is starting.

One is the loneliest number

Being lonely is really deep…I mean, let’s step out of the shallow end for a moment.
Some could say that you choose to be lonely…that if you were lonely, you COULD go hang out with friends or family…or if that is not an option, you could go volunteer and surely seeing people who are worse off than you will help improve your outlook on life.

How about the idea that if you really loved yourself, you would not be lonely because you enjoy yourself and the time spent with self. This theory states that you should never NEED someone else to feel Okay.

Ever been at a party, in a crowd, at a family function and felt completely and utterly ALONE?? Ever been smack dab in the middle of a conversation with one of your closest friends and felt so completely not able to be present??

I have laid next to the man I love and felt so completely alone that fighting back tears was impossible. I can’t decide what is worse…this feeling I have right now as I type this alone at my computer or being in the same room as AK…maybe even lying right next to him and knowing that he is really elsewhere.

I have gone on dates. I have hung out with friends. I have spent time with family. I have spent time with myself (too much even). When I am with other people I am experiencing a loneliness that I had no idea existed. When I come home afterwards, I feel even worse.
It is becoming near impossible for me to force a smile when in the presence of these people that care. How can I long for companionship yet not want to interact with people?? Sometimes I even read blogs, but feel like I do not have the energy to respond.

Does this ache of loneliness ever fade after you really have given your heart to someone and they go away?? Really?? Or is that something we all tell each other in an attempt to give the other hope… when really we have no clue and honestly have never found that ever so elusive thing called happiness? Like we have to tell each other that… because we have to hold out hope for that person…because we just have to…because if they never find it…maybe we never will either??
This is the song I am feeling tonight!

O Happy Happy Day

So finally Cleveland has a no smoking ban. Starting December 6th I can actually go out to a bar without smelling like an ashtray when I leave. Thank you voters. All is right in the world.

Break in the action

SO that little foot injury I referenced this past week...most likely stress fractures. Just great.
I had x-rays that turned out fine, so on to a bone scan. That happens Friday. I am bummed because I have a physical goal that is now totally on hold. I am only allowed to swim and lift for upper body and abs. I will have to make that my daily routine now, but I am bumming people. I LOVE my cardio classes and my weightlifting classes as well. ALL of that stops so this thing can heal.

So along with that great news came something else to make my day extra craptastic.
When Crazy called me and kept me on the phone for 5hrs this past spring, one of the things she took pleasure in telling me is that AK dated my doctor (while I was dating him of course)!! Well, that is an issue because I love her. She is the only doctor I have ever found that I totally respect and trust and that ALWAYS makes the right diagnosis and treatment plan. LOVEHER.
He was in Pharm sales back then, and I knew he called on her, so I asked him. He was TICKED and told me NO, but that he did run into and talk at length with her at a party, and that at said party, her office workers were asking him to go out with her/get to know her.
I was super unhappy about just that, but it is so freaking common, that I let it go. That was this spring that I find this out...

Well, yesterday while in her office I asked her.
He didn't totally lie...he also didn't tell the whole truth. Lying by omission is still a fucking lie.
He did see he at a party...a party one of the girls in the office threw...it was NOT a work function as he told me. THEN he left that first party with her to go (alone) to another party with her. They then returned together to the first party and hung out for about another hour to close out the night...all with NO MENTION of the fact that I was his girlfriend. She was FLOORED that AK was the guy I dated for the past 8 years...HELLO, she tested me 3 times for STD's!!!!!!
She apologized, and was going on and on about how fantastic everyone thinks he is.
IKNOWIFUCKINGKNOWMYGOD!!!!!!!!
Now she is horrified by him of course!!

This all took place three years ago...and they did not hook up or anything, but COME ON...you have to hang out with MY DOCTOR??? Remember he also dated (three dates) with my hairdressers best friend. I mean, these are just people in MY CIRLCE...god only knows what I haven't uncovered.
He of course insisted that nothing happened and that we were broken up then. We were NOT for the record and told him I hoped he choked on his lies to himself. He said that he does not want to keep being reminded of all the mistakes he has made in the past...BUT I AM JUST FINDING OUT ABOUT THEM. WTF?? This is why we always stayed together...I would not find out until it was so far in the past, that it felt stupid to break up years later over it.
What pisses me off is the TOTAL lack of BASIC respect for me. Not only to do it, but with people in MY LIFE. BOLD, BRASH and B.S.
Thank God I do not have a sister...I am sure he would have cheated on me with her!!

This is a hoot

So, these are the celebrities I look most like...FUNNY. My heritage.com...I am wasting so much time!! Try it out...you upload a photo and Wah-la... That big shiny forehead on Adriana freaks me out... I don't have that. So, I was thinkin' since I look like these ladies...I should be able to have just as much cash and just as many men...right! Ha. Fat chance. I can't even keep some guy from Ohio.

Gone

This song I referenced in one of my first posts. It is on this morning in my home. I sent it to AK in an email. No words, just the song. I don't think I am going to answer the phone when he calls today. I have NO DESIRE to hear all about his night. I think he believes because he fills me in, that he is doing nothing wrong, and I have nothing to be upset about.
So, last night, he went to a "team building" event with co-workers at a place here that teaches you and your friends how to cook a meal. He is in sales, and just his center was going. SO, him and about 15 women. Yep, he is the only male at that location. So the ladies chose the event. I am sure they thought it seemed like a fun thing...and that AK would be "too cute" cooking with them. I just do not think it was necessary. They have team building events all of the time. He could have easily skipped this one. WHAT normal person thinks a guy would WANT to do that with 15 other girls??? UNLESS he was single and LOOKING!! Of course his version is that his coworkers are ugly and he is not interested in them...of course. Like every woman I question him about...fat and/or ugly. Afterwards he was going out with his guy friends. Well, he did not call last night when he got home, which means there is something he does not want to tell me. Something he knows I will not think is cool. For example all the ladies trying to help him learn to cook, fawning over and teasing mr. single coolguy. That and he probably ran into or met females last night and has no desire to disclose that to me, so he will avoid the topic. He will call today and try not to bring up last night at this point. Like it never happened. It's not earth shattering, the damn cooking shit, but this stuff is CONSTANT, and it is a compilation.
I think this whole thing is a matter of just deciding when I have had enough. I keep saying that I had enough after the first issue, but clearly not enough to let the relationship go. So, that brings up a good question. When is enough enough?? For me in any NEW relationship, it will be the mila second strike one happens. I know that seems harsh, but that is reality for me based on what I have experienced. Why do I keep lining up for this now then??
My therapist keeps telling me to ask myself if THIS is what I want my life to be. Plug in other words when necessary. Such as Husband. The answer of course is NO, so why am I still lining up?? She keeps telling me that I can have AK, but that I have to be willing to accept that THIS is what my life is then. There is an obvious disconnect between my head and heart.

Very Fitting Title

So, I have been MIA for a few days and before that not writing much about relationship issues.
Recently I have been reminded why I named this blog Lost in Waste. That is exactly what I feel like. Lost. Lost in the memories, lost in the confusion, lost lost lost. Lost in HOW this continues to happen. Lost in what I have ALLOWED my life to become. I have been functioning lately, but barely. I have been so unproductive. Sometimes not REALLY completing a single thing in an entire day. Then beating myself up for WASTING more of my life. I FORCE myself to get up and out the door now...even if to only get something to eat.
I am allowing myself to be depressed, but not letting anyone know that I am for the most part.
I am WASTING more time, I know. I injured my foot a few weeks back and kept running on it and kept working out because that is so important to me right now. Well, I think I may have hairline fractures now and I simply cannot workout, at least until after I see the doctor on Monday. That has been KEY to fighting back these foul moods, so it has been near impossible to combat this as of late.
When I get to really be in a funk, I feel Quiet inside, almost like an eerie calmness that is really deep inside me. That is where I am at. I am trying my damnedest to keep busy, to put on a smile, to fight through the day, but really I wish I could crumple up in a ball and cry or just get checked in somewhere so that I could just not have to exist in this hideous HARD day to day called life. Please don't read to much into this, I am in NO WAY a suicidal maniac, but I just feel so freaking tired of this stuff. WHY is it so hard to be HAPPY with me?? I don't want this to be my reality. I know I sound like a spoiled brat, but I do not deserve this. I am one of the ONLY people I have ever met that does not lie, cheat, nag, spend to much money, withhold sex, not like sex, live like a sloppy pig, ETC. ETC. yet I am one of the ONLY people I know that is not married or in a very serious relationship and/or has kids. I put in 110% into AK. I spent thousands upon thousands on him, I spent YEARS of my life, I invested ALL of my heart, soul, personality, existence into this LIFE with him. I deserve the payoff. I deserve the happy ever after. I was the one there when he was sick, sad, broke, immature, jobless, father dying, crazy mother, drugged out brother...keeping it all together. Doesn't that count for something?? I know countless married couples that don't help each other through that kind of uphill battle...especially if it takes years. I never flinched. Is this really WHY I did all that?? To be "best friends"??? If he says that one more time I swear to God I am going to dissolve into dust right on the spot. That is what it makes me feel like...nothing.
When we have "broken up" in the past...well, it is like we never really break up. It is like a vacation of sorts for him and a trip to hell for me. This is more serious, but along the same lines, and why shouldn't it be?? I set it up this way. We talk a few times a day, he comes over almost every day, we both question each other...but we are SINGLE. What a joke...on me. He is doing nothing wrong. He has told me that he wants to break up. I am a big girl, I know I can tell him to take a flying leap, but when the phone rings, I answer. When he asks to come over, I say of course. Then the weekend comes and he is MIA, out with the guys. He calls me when he gets home at 2:30-3, and I am again reminded how freaking sick this situation is. Not together, not apart. We have seen three movies together in the past week and a half for example. WHY does he ask me to go if he does not care?? Because I am convenient? He says I love you etc.
I am not a stupid woman. I just am sad. I just DON'T WANT this to be the truth. I want him to WAKE UP and to apologize, and to stop this yo-yo attitude, and I want to be calm and happy with him again. Why do I have to go through this?? I don't feel sorry for myself...I know that I should have faced this stuff and dealt with it a long time ago. I do feel tired of everyone just telling me that it will be okay, that I will find someone else, that he is a JERK. IKNOWIKNOWIKNOW. But it does NOT FEEL like it!!!!!!!! This is the ONE thing that I have wanted...why can't I have it?? What is most heartbreaking is that if I were to REALLY walk away tonight, it would be a matter of days, maybe weeks, before he would be ALL about making this work again. I just cannot take this. I have given away all of my power and I feel lost when I take it back. (When I don't see him or talk to him, I feel lost as well.) How am I the loser in this either way?? I wish there was anything that anyone could do.
Sorry for the hour long rant. I just needed to get it out.
I hope all is going well in your world(s), I have not really been up to reading lately!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnYsxQysN_0&mode=related&search