I believe I think to much. Just not about the right things. This funk I have been in is pointless, but I have just not been able to shake it. Tonight I FEEL calm about all of it. I think I am just reaching a point of acceptance. I have been thinking everyday about how much I love AK, about all the years and countless things we did together, about all our future plans and about the betrayal(s) and the way they make me feel.
If I were to focus all this energy on myself, I would be back to normal (even better) pretty quickly. I hope this feeling lasts, because tonight I do not feel angry, just over it in a very calm way. I don't feel like I need answers or acceptance from him. I don't feel like I need anything from him. I can tell that I can go to bed and fall asleep for the first time in a long while. I am finally starting to realize that it does not matter what he is doing, who he is hanging out with, talking to, dating etc...I am okay. I can do this for and by myself. I can let go. Not I HAVE to let go, I want to. It is no longer about what I don't want, which is all I have been focusing on...like I don't want him to leave, to talk to other girls etc...but now I FEEL like it is about what I do want. Like a healthy life...like my self esteem back...like a feeling of peace. Like happiness again.
I think a new chapter is starting.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Thursday, November 09, 2006
One is the loneliest number
Being lonely is really deep…I mean, let’s step out of the shallow end for a moment.
Some could say that you choose to be lonely…that if you were lonely, you COULD go hang out with friends or family…or if that is not an option, you could go volunteer and surely seeing people who are worse off than you will help improve your outlook on life.
How about the idea that if you really loved yourself, you would not be lonely because you enjoy yourself and the time spent with self. This theory states that you should never NEED someone else to feel Okay.
Ever been at a party, in a crowd, at a family function and felt completely and utterly ALONE?? Ever been smack dab in the middle of a conversation with one of your closest friends and felt so completely not able to be present??
I have laid next to the man I love and felt so completely alone that fighting back tears was impossible. I can’t decide what is worse…this feeling I have right now as I type this alone at my computer or being in the same room as AK…maybe even lying right next to him and knowing that he is really elsewhere.
I have gone on dates. I have hung out with friends. I have spent time with family. I have spent time with myself (too much even). When I am with other people I am experiencing a loneliness that I had no idea existed. When I come home afterwards, I feel even worse.
It is becoming near impossible for me to force a smile when in the presence of these people that care. How can I long for companionship yet not want to interact with people?? Sometimes I even read blogs, but feel like I do not have the energy to respond.
Does this ache of loneliness ever fade after you really have given your heart to someone and they go away?? Really?? Or is that something we all tell each other in an attempt to give the other hope… when really we have no clue and honestly have never found that ever so elusive thing called happiness? Like we have to tell each other that… because we have to hold out hope for that person…because we just have to…because if they never find it…maybe we never will either??
This is the song I am feeling tonight!
Some could say that you choose to be lonely…that if you were lonely, you COULD go hang out with friends or family…or if that is not an option, you could go volunteer and surely seeing people who are worse off than you will help improve your outlook on life.
How about the idea that if you really loved yourself, you would not be lonely because you enjoy yourself and the time spent with self. This theory states that you should never NEED someone else to feel Okay.
Ever been at a party, in a crowd, at a family function and felt completely and utterly ALONE?? Ever been smack dab in the middle of a conversation with one of your closest friends and felt so completely not able to be present??
I have laid next to the man I love and felt so completely alone that fighting back tears was impossible. I can’t decide what is worse…this feeling I have right now as I type this alone at my computer or being in the same room as AK…maybe even lying right next to him and knowing that he is really elsewhere.
I have gone on dates. I have hung out with friends. I have spent time with family. I have spent time with myself (too much even). When I am with other people I am experiencing a loneliness that I had no idea existed. When I come home afterwards, I feel even worse.
It is becoming near impossible for me to force a smile when in the presence of these people that care. How can I long for companionship yet not want to interact with people?? Sometimes I even read blogs, but feel like I do not have the energy to respond.
Does this ache of loneliness ever fade after you really have given your heart to someone and they go away?? Really?? Or is that something we all tell each other in an attempt to give the other hope… when really we have no clue and honestly have never found that ever so elusive thing called happiness? Like we have to tell each other that… because we have to hold out hope for that person…because we just have to…because if they never find it…maybe we never will either??
This is the song I am feeling tonight!
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
O Happy Happy Day
So finally Cleveland has a no smoking ban. Starting December 6th I can actually go out to a bar without smelling like an ashtray when I leave. Thank you voters. All is right in the world.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Break in the action
SO that little foot injury I referenced this past week...most likely stress fractures. Just great.
I had x-rays that turned out fine, so on to a bone scan. That happens Friday. I am bummed because I have a physical goal that is now totally on hold. I am only allowed to swim and lift for upper body and abs. I will have to make that my daily routine now, but I am bumming people. I LOVE my cardio classes and my weightlifting classes as well. ALL of that stops so this thing can heal.
So along with that great news came something else to make my day extra craptastic.
When Crazy called me and kept me on the phone for 5hrs this past spring, one of the things she took pleasure in telling me is that AK dated my doctor (while I was dating him of course)!! Well, that is an issue because I love her. She is the only doctor I have ever found that I totally respect and trust and that ALWAYS makes the right diagnosis and treatment plan. LOVEHER.
He was in Pharm sales back then, and I knew he called on her, so I asked him. He was TICKED and told me NO, but that he did run into and talk at length with her at a party, and that at said party, her office workers were asking him to go out with her/get to know her.
I was super unhappy about just that, but it is so freaking common, that I let it go. That was this spring that I find this out...
Well, yesterday while in her office I asked her.
He didn't totally lie...he also didn't tell the whole truth. Lying by omission is still a fucking lie.
He did see he at a party...a party one of the girls in the office threw...it was NOT a work function as he told me. THEN he left that first party with her to go (alone) to another party with her. They then returned together to the first party and hung out for about another hour to close out the night...all with NO MENTION of the fact that I was his girlfriend. She was FLOORED that AK was the guy I dated for the past 8 years...HELLO, she tested me 3 times for STD's!!!!!!
She apologized, and was going on and on about how fantastic everyone thinks he is.
IKNOWIFUCKINGKNOWMYGOD!!!!!!!!
Now she is horrified by him of course!!
This all took place three years ago...and they did not hook up or anything, but COME ON...you have to hang out with MY DOCTOR??? Remember he also dated (three dates) with my hairdressers best friend. I mean, these are just people in MY CIRLCE...god only knows what I haven't uncovered.
He of course insisted that nothing happened and that we were broken up then. We were NOT for the record and told him I hoped he choked on his lies to himself. He said that he does not want to keep being reminded of all the mistakes he has made in the past...BUT I AM JUST FINDING OUT ABOUT THEM. WTF?? This is why we always stayed together...I would not find out until it was so far in the past, that it felt stupid to break up years later over it.
What pisses me off is the TOTAL lack of BASIC respect for me. Not only to do it, but with people in MY LIFE. BOLD, BRASH and B.S.
Thank God I do not have a sister...I am sure he would have cheated on me with her!!
I had x-rays that turned out fine, so on to a bone scan. That happens Friday. I am bummed because I have a physical goal that is now totally on hold. I am only allowed to swim and lift for upper body and abs. I will have to make that my daily routine now, but I am bumming people. I LOVE my cardio classes and my weightlifting classes as well. ALL of that stops so this thing can heal.
So along with that great news came something else to make my day extra craptastic.
When Crazy called me and kept me on the phone for 5hrs this past spring, one of the things she took pleasure in telling me is that AK dated my doctor (while I was dating him of course)!! Well, that is an issue because I love her. She is the only doctor I have ever found that I totally respect and trust and that ALWAYS makes the right diagnosis and treatment plan. LOVEHER.
He was in Pharm sales back then, and I knew he called on her, so I asked him. He was TICKED and told me NO, but that he did run into and talk at length with her at a party, and that at said party, her office workers were asking him to go out with her/get to know her.
I was super unhappy about just that, but it is so freaking common, that I let it go. That was this spring that I find this out...
Well, yesterday while in her office I asked her.
He didn't totally lie...he also didn't tell the whole truth. Lying by omission is still a fucking lie.
He did see he at a party...a party one of the girls in the office threw...it was NOT a work function as he told me. THEN he left that first party with her to go (alone) to another party with her. They then returned together to the first party and hung out for about another hour to close out the night...all with NO MENTION of the fact that I was his girlfriend. She was FLOORED that AK was the guy I dated for the past 8 years...HELLO, she tested me 3 times for STD's!!!!!!
She apologized, and was going on and on about how fantastic everyone thinks he is.
IKNOWIFUCKINGKNOWMYGOD!!!!!!!!
Now she is horrified by him of course!!
This all took place three years ago...and they did not hook up or anything, but COME ON...you have to hang out with MY DOCTOR??? Remember he also dated (three dates) with my hairdressers best friend. I mean, these are just people in MY CIRLCE...god only knows what I haven't uncovered.
He of course insisted that nothing happened and that we were broken up then. We were NOT for the record and told him I hoped he choked on his lies to himself. He said that he does not want to keep being reminded of all the mistakes he has made in the past...BUT I AM JUST FINDING OUT ABOUT THEM. WTF?? This is why we always stayed together...I would not find out until it was so far in the past, that it felt stupid to break up years later over it.
What pisses me off is the TOTAL lack of BASIC respect for me. Not only to do it, but with people in MY LIFE. BOLD, BRASH and B.S.
Thank God I do not have a sister...I am sure he would have cheated on me with her!!
Saturday, November 04, 2006
This is a hoot
So, these are the celebrities I look most like...FUNNY. My heritage.com...I am wasting so much time!! Try it out...you upload a photo and Wah-la... That big shiny forehead on Adriana freaks me out... I don't have that. So, I was thinkin' since I look like these ladies...I should be able to have just as much cash and just as many men...right! Ha. Fat chance. I can't even keep some guy from Ohio.
Gone
This song I referenced in one of my first posts. It is on this morning in my home. I sent it to AK in an email. No words, just the song. I don't think I am going to answer the phone when he calls today. I have NO DESIRE to hear all about his night. I think he believes because he fills me in, that he is doing nothing wrong, and I have nothing to be upset about.
So, last night, he went to a "team building" event with co-workers at a place here that teaches you and your friends how to cook a meal. He is in sales, and just his center was going. SO, him and about 15 women. Yep, he is the only male at that location. So the ladies chose the event. I am sure they thought it seemed like a fun thing...and that AK would be "too cute" cooking with them. I just do not think it was necessary. They have team building events all of the time. He could have easily skipped this one. WHAT normal person thinks a guy would WANT to do that with 15 other girls??? UNLESS he was single and LOOKING!! Of course his version is that his coworkers are ugly and he is not interested in them...of course. Like every woman I question him about...fat and/or ugly. Afterwards he was going out with his guy friends. Well, he did not call last night when he got home, which means there is something he does not want to tell me. Something he knows I will not think is cool. For example all the ladies trying to help him learn to cook, fawning over and teasing mr. single coolguy. That and he probably ran into or met females last night and has no desire to disclose that to me, so he will avoid the topic. He will call today and try not to bring up last night at this point. Like it never happened. It's not earth shattering, the damn cooking shit, but this stuff is CONSTANT, and it is a compilation.
I think this whole thing is a matter of just deciding when I have had enough. I keep saying that I had enough after the first issue, but clearly not enough to let the relationship go. So, that brings up a good question. When is enough enough?? For me in any NEW relationship, it will be the mila second strike one happens. I know that seems harsh, but that is reality for me based on what I have experienced. Why do I keep lining up for this now then??
My therapist keeps telling me to ask myself if THIS is what I want my life to be. Plug in other words when necessary. Such as Husband. The answer of course is NO, so why am I still lining up?? She keeps telling me that I can have AK, but that I have to be willing to accept that THIS is what my life is then. There is an obvious disconnect between my head and heart.
So, last night, he went to a "team building" event with co-workers at a place here that teaches you and your friends how to cook a meal. He is in sales, and just his center was going. SO, him and about 15 women. Yep, he is the only male at that location. So the ladies chose the event. I am sure they thought it seemed like a fun thing...and that AK would be "too cute" cooking with them. I just do not think it was necessary. They have team building events all of the time. He could have easily skipped this one. WHAT normal person thinks a guy would WANT to do that with 15 other girls??? UNLESS he was single and LOOKING!! Of course his version is that his coworkers are ugly and he is not interested in them...of course. Like every woman I question him about...fat and/or ugly. Afterwards he was going out with his guy friends. Well, he did not call last night when he got home, which means there is something he does not want to tell me. Something he knows I will not think is cool. For example all the ladies trying to help him learn to cook, fawning over and teasing mr. single coolguy. That and he probably ran into or met females last night and has no desire to disclose that to me, so he will avoid the topic. He will call today and try not to bring up last night at this point. Like it never happened. It's not earth shattering, the damn cooking shit, but this stuff is CONSTANT, and it is a compilation.
I think this whole thing is a matter of just deciding when I have had enough. I keep saying that I had enough after the first issue, but clearly not enough to let the relationship go. So, that brings up a good question. When is enough enough?? For me in any NEW relationship, it will be the mila second strike one happens. I know that seems harsh, but that is reality for me based on what I have experienced. Why do I keep lining up for this now then??
My therapist keeps telling me to ask myself if THIS is what I want my life to be. Plug in other words when necessary. Such as Husband. The answer of course is NO, so why am I still lining up?? She keeps telling me that I can have AK, but that I have to be willing to accept that THIS is what my life is then. There is an obvious disconnect between my head and heart.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Very Fitting Title
So, I have been MIA for a few days and before that not writing much about relationship issues.
Recently I have been reminded why I named this blog Lost in Waste. That is exactly what I feel like. Lost. Lost in the memories, lost in the confusion, lost lost lost. Lost in HOW this continues to happen. Lost in what I have ALLOWED my life to become. I have been functioning lately, but barely. I have been so unproductive. Sometimes not REALLY completing a single thing in an entire day. Then beating myself up for WASTING more of my life. I FORCE myself to get up and out the door now...even if to only get something to eat.
I am allowing myself to be depressed, but not letting anyone know that I am for the most part.
I am WASTING more time, I know. I injured my foot a few weeks back and kept running on it and kept working out because that is so important to me right now. Well, I think I may have hairline fractures now and I simply cannot workout, at least until after I see the doctor on Monday. That has been KEY to fighting back these foul moods, so it has been near impossible to combat this as of late.
When I get to really be in a funk, I feel Quiet inside, almost like an eerie calmness that is really deep inside me. That is where I am at. I am trying my damnedest to keep busy, to put on a smile, to fight through the day, but really I wish I could crumple up in a ball and cry or just get checked in somewhere so that I could just not have to exist in this hideous HARD day to day called life. Please don't read to much into this, I am in NO WAY a suicidal maniac, but I just feel so freaking tired of this stuff. WHY is it so hard to be HAPPY with me?? I don't want this to be my reality. I know I sound like a spoiled brat, but I do not deserve this. I am one of the ONLY people I have ever met that does not lie, cheat, nag, spend to much money, withhold sex, not like sex, live like a sloppy pig, ETC. ETC. yet I am one of the ONLY people I know that is not married or in a very serious relationship and/or has kids. I put in 110% into AK. I spent thousands upon thousands on him, I spent YEARS of my life, I invested ALL of my heart, soul, personality, existence into this LIFE with him. I deserve the payoff. I deserve the happy ever after. I was the one there when he was sick, sad, broke, immature, jobless, father dying, crazy mother, drugged out brother...keeping it all together. Doesn't that count for something?? I know countless married couples that don't help each other through that kind of uphill battle...especially if it takes years. I never flinched. Is this really WHY I did all that?? To be "best friends"??? If he says that one more time I swear to God I am going to dissolve into dust right on the spot. That is what it makes me feel like...nothing.
When we have "broken up" in the past...well, it is like we never really break up. It is like a vacation of sorts for him and a trip to hell for me. This is more serious, but along the same lines, and why shouldn't it be?? I set it up this way. We talk a few times a day, he comes over almost every day, we both question each other...but we are SINGLE. What a joke...on me. He is doing nothing wrong. He has told me that he wants to break up. I am a big girl, I know I can tell him to take a flying leap, but when the phone rings, I answer. When he asks to come over, I say of course. Then the weekend comes and he is MIA, out with the guys. He calls me when he gets home at 2:30-3, and I am again reminded how freaking sick this situation is. Not together, not apart. We have seen three movies together in the past week and a half for example. WHY does he ask me to go if he does not care?? Because I am convenient? He says I love you etc.
I am not a stupid woman. I just am sad. I just DON'T WANT this to be the truth. I want him to WAKE UP and to apologize, and to stop this yo-yo attitude, and I want to be calm and happy with him again. Why do I have to go through this?? I don't feel sorry for myself...I know that I should have faced this stuff and dealt with it a long time ago. I do feel tired of everyone just telling me that it will be okay, that I will find someone else, that he is a JERK. IKNOWIKNOWIKNOW. But it does NOT FEEL like it!!!!!!!! This is the ONE thing that I have wanted...why can't I have it?? What is most heartbreaking is that if I were to REALLY walk away tonight, it would be a matter of days, maybe weeks, before he would be ALL about making this work again. I just cannot take this. I have given away all of my power and I feel lost when I take it back. (When I don't see him or talk to him, I feel lost as well.) How am I the loser in this either way?? I wish there was anything that anyone could do.
Sorry for the hour long rant. I just needed to get it out.
I hope all is going well in your world(s), I have not really been up to reading lately!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnYsxQysN_0&mode=related&search
Recently I have been reminded why I named this blog Lost in Waste. That is exactly what I feel like. Lost. Lost in the memories, lost in the confusion, lost lost lost. Lost in HOW this continues to happen. Lost in what I have ALLOWED my life to become. I have been functioning lately, but barely. I have been so unproductive. Sometimes not REALLY completing a single thing in an entire day. Then beating myself up for WASTING more of my life. I FORCE myself to get up and out the door now...even if to only get something to eat.
I am allowing myself to be depressed, but not letting anyone know that I am for the most part.
I am WASTING more time, I know. I injured my foot a few weeks back and kept running on it and kept working out because that is so important to me right now. Well, I think I may have hairline fractures now and I simply cannot workout, at least until after I see the doctor on Monday. That has been KEY to fighting back these foul moods, so it has been near impossible to combat this as of late.
When I get to really be in a funk, I feel Quiet inside, almost like an eerie calmness that is really deep inside me. That is where I am at. I am trying my damnedest to keep busy, to put on a smile, to fight through the day, but really I wish I could crumple up in a ball and cry or just get checked in somewhere so that I could just not have to exist in this hideous HARD day to day called life. Please don't read to much into this, I am in NO WAY a suicidal maniac, but I just feel so freaking tired of this stuff. WHY is it so hard to be HAPPY with me?? I don't want this to be my reality. I know I sound like a spoiled brat, but I do not deserve this. I am one of the ONLY people I have ever met that does not lie, cheat, nag, spend to much money, withhold sex, not like sex, live like a sloppy pig, ETC. ETC. yet I am one of the ONLY people I know that is not married or in a very serious relationship and/or has kids. I put in 110% into AK. I spent thousands upon thousands on him, I spent YEARS of my life, I invested ALL of my heart, soul, personality, existence into this LIFE with him. I deserve the payoff. I deserve the happy ever after. I was the one there when he was sick, sad, broke, immature, jobless, father dying, crazy mother, drugged out brother...keeping it all together. Doesn't that count for something?? I know countless married couples that don't help each other through that kind of uphill battle...especially if it takes years. I never flinched. Is this really WHY I did all that?? To be "best friends"??? If he says that one more time I swear to God I am going to dissolve into dust right on the spot. That is what it makes me feel like...nothing.
When we have "broken up" in the past...well, it is like we never really break up. It is like a vacation of sorts for him and a trip to hell for me. This is more serious, but along the same lines, and why shouldn't it be?? I set it up this way. We talk a few times a day, he comes over almost every day, we both question each other...but we are SINGLE. What a joke...on me. He is doing nothing wrong. He has told me that he wants to break up. I am a big girl, I know I can tell him to take a flying leap, but when the phone rings, I answer. When he asks to come over, I say of course. Then the weekend comes and he is MIA, out with the guys. He calls me when he gets home at 2:30-3, and I am again reminded how freaking sick this situation is. Not together, not apart. We have seen three movies together in the past week and a half for example. WHY does he ask me to go if he does not care?? Because I am convenient? He says I love you etc.
I am not a stupid woman. I just am sad. I just DON'T WANT this to be the truth. I want him to WAKE UP and to apologize, and to stop this yo-yo attitude, and I want to be calm and happy with him again. Why do I have to go through this?? I don't feel sorry for myself...I know that I should have faced this stuff and dealt with it a long time ago. I do feel tired of everyone just telling me that it will be okay, that I will find someone else, that he is a JERK. IKNOWIKNOWIKNOW. But it does NOT FEEL like it!!!!!!!! This is the ONE thing that I have wanted...why can't I have it?? What is most heartbreaking is that if I were to REALLY walk away tonight, it would be a matter of days, maybe weeks, before he would be ALL about making this work again. I just cannot take this. I have given away all of my power and I feel lost when I take it back. (When I don't see him or talk to him, I feel lost as well.) How am I the loser in this either way?? I wish there was anything that anyone could do.
Sorry for the hour long rant. I just needed to get it out.
I hope all is going well in your world(s), I have not really been up to reading lately!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnYsxQysN_0&mode=related&search
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Happy Pumpkin Day!
These are a couple of my cutey nephews. That lions mane was just about as big as the little guy and it totally cracked me up.
I am going to go out with Dinner Date Guy tonight to Mapleside. He has never been, so thought that might be very fitting for this evening. We may crack open a couple bottles of wine and pass out candy to the trick or treaters and with my best friend and her fiance afterwards! It is such a fun thing to do, I just wish I was doing it with you know who. I'll let ya know how it goes.
Well, Happy Halloween Everybody!
I am going to go out with Dinner Date Guy tonight to Mapleside. He has never been, so thought that might be very fitting for this evening. We may crack open a couple bottles of wine and pass out candy to the trick or treaters and with my best friend and her fiance afterwards! It is such a fun thing to do, I just wish I was doing it with you know who. I'll let ya know how it goes.
Well, Happy Halloween Everybody!
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Any runners out there??
This is a really great site to map out your course route and to let ya know how much mileage you are logging. It takes a minute to figure out how to use it, but once you do...AWESOME!!
I have a slight foot injury, so that is bumming me out. I feel a bit like Forest Gump...when I am not in a good place, I just want to Run and Run and Run until it is out of my system. Here's hoping this dang foot heals soon so I can keep my spirits up!
*Anyone else feeling a little down today?? I am not super sad, just stuck and need to get moving forward again. It sure is harder than it sounds. I can't wait to be happy again.
I have a slight foot injury, so that is bumming me out. I feel a bit like Forest Gump...when I am not in a good place, I just want to Run and Run and Run until it is out of my system. Here's hoping this dang foot heals soon so I can keep my spirits up!
*Anyone else feeling a little down today?? I am not super sad, just stuck and need to get moving forward again. It sure is harder than it sounds. I can't wait to be happy again.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
High School Never Ends
So, I was alerted by some very "with it" women here in Blogland that one of the sites I read is a joke pretty much. They are on a smear campaign to let people know what is happening. Otherwise god only knows how many women would get wrapped up with this guy. I am very disappointed because I liked reading this guys page. He is married and was acting like he was single. He even contacted several ladies directly and later professed that he had feelings for them. This of course turns my stomach. WTF is WRONG with some people?? I have nothing invested in this person, but I find myself so guarded as it is. HOW do you trust ANYONE in this damn world?? No big loss for me, actually a much needed reminder to not be so trusting of people that have not earned it!
I am so glad for the people I am getting to know here and I understand that not everyone is a lying cheating rat. I would welcome a break from hearing how often people lie and deceive each other though. I am thinking about choosing one day of the week and making sure I post only positive stuff that day. A little break from the crap that will drag myself and everyone around me straight into the doldrums.
I seem to have a fetish for music...but this seemed so fitting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9uOM0voY3I
I am so glad for the people I am getting to know here and I understand that not everyone is a lying cheating rat. I would welcome a break from hearing how often people lie and deceive each other though. I am thinking about choosing one day of the week and making sure I post only positive stuff that day. A little break from the crap that will drag myself and everyone around me straight into the doldrums.
I seem to have a fetish for music...but this seemed so fitting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9uOM0voY3I
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