This is a hoot

So, these are the celebrities I look most like...FUNNY. My heritage.com...I am wasting so much time!! Try it out...you upload a photo and Wah-la... That big shiny forehead on Adriana freaks me out... I don't have that. So, I was thinkin' since I look like these ladies...I should be able to have just as much cash and just as many men...right! Ha. Fat chance. I can't even keep some guy from Ohio.

Gone

This song I referenced in one of my first posts. It is on this morning in my home. I sent it to AK in an email. No words, just the song. I don't think I am going to answer the phone when he calls today. I have NO DESIRE to hear all about his night. I think he believes because he fills me in, that he is doing nothing wrong, and I have nothing to be upset about.
So, last night, he went to a "team building" event with co-workers at a place here that teaches you and your friends how to cook a meal. He is in sales, and just his center was going. SO, him and about 15 women. Yep, he is the only male at that location. So the ladies chose the event. I am sure they thought it seemed like a fun thing...and that AK would be "too cute" cooking with them. I just do not think it was necessary. They have team building events all of the time. He could have easily skipped this one. WHAT normal person thinks a guy would WANT to do that with 15 other girls??? UNLESS he was single and LOOKING!! Of course his version is that his coworkers are ugly and he is not interested in them...of course. Like every woman I question him about...fat and/or ugly. Afterwards he was going out with his guy friends. Well, he did not call last night when he got home, which means there is something he does not want to tell me. Something he knows I will not think is cool. For example all the ladies trying to help him learn to cook, fawning over and teasing mr. single coolguy. That and he probably ran into or met females last night and has no desire to disclose that to me, so he will avoid the topic. He will call today and try not to bring up last night at this point. Like it never happened. It's not earth shattering, the damn cooking shit, but this stuff is CONSTANT, and it is a compilation.
I think this whole thing is a matter of just deciding when I have had enough. I keep saying that I had enough after the first issue, but clearly not enough to let the relationship go. So, that brings up a good question. When is enough enough?? For me in any NEW relationship, it will be the mila second strike one happens. I know that seems harsh, but that is reality for me based on what I have experienced. Why do I keep lining up for this now then??
My therapist keeps telling me to ask myself if THIS is what I want my life to be. Plug in other words when necessary. Such as Husband. The answer of course is NO, so why am I still lining up?? She keeps telling me that I can have AK, but that I have to be willing to accept that THIS is what my life is then. There is an obvious disconnect between my head and heart.

Very Fitting Title

So, I have been MIA for a few days and before that not writing much about relationship issues.
Recently I have been reminded why I named this blog Lost in Waste. That is exactly what I feel like. Lost. Lost in the memories, lost in the confusion, lost lost lost. Lost in HOW this continues to happen. Lost in what I have ALLOWED my life to become. I have been functioning lately, but barely. I have been so unproductive. Sometimes not REALLY completing a single thing in an entire day. Then beating myself up for WASTING more of my life. I FORCE myself to get up and out the door now...even if to only get something to eat.
I am allowing myself to be depressed, but not letting anyone know that I am for the most part.
I am WASTING more time, I know. I injured my foot a few weeks back and kept running on it and kept working out because that is so important to me right now. Well, I think I may have hairline fractures now and I simply cannot workout, at least until after I see the doctor on Monday. That has been KEY to fighting back these foul moods, so it has been near impossible to combat this as of late.
When I get to really be in a funk, I feel Quiet inside, almost like an eerie calmness that is really deep inside me. That is where I am at. I am trying my damnedest to keep busy, to put on a smile, to fight through the day, but really I wish I could crumple up in a ball and cry or just get checked in somewhere so that I could just not have to exist in this hideous HARD day to day called life. Please don't read to much into this, I am in NO WAY a suicidal maniac, but I just feel so freaking tired of this stuff. WHY is it so hard to be HAPPY with me?? I don't want this to be my reality. I know I sound like a spoiled brat, but I do not deserve this. I am one of the ONLY people I have ever met that does not lie, cheat, nag, spend to much money, withhold sex, not like sex, live like a sloppy pig, ETC. ETC. yet I am one of the ONLY people I know that is not married or in a very serious relationship and/or has kids. I put in 110% into AK. I spent thousands upon thousands on him, I spent YEARS of my life, I invested ALL of my heart, soul, personality, existence into this LIFE with him. I deserve the payoff. I deserve the happy ever after. I was the one there when he was sick, sad, broke, immature, jobless, father dying, crazy mother, drugged out brother...keeping it all together. Doesn't that count for something?? I know countless married couples that don't help each other through that kind of uphill battle...especially if it takes years. I never flinched. Is this really WHY I did all that?? To be "best friends"??? If he says that one more time I swear to God I am going to dissolve into dust right on the spot. That is what it makes me feel like...nothing.
When we have "broken up" in the past...well, it is like we never really break up. It is like a vacation of sorts for him and a trip to hell for me. This is more serious, but along the same lines, and why shouldn't it be?? I set it up this way. We talk a few times a day, he comes over almost every day, we both question each other...but we are SINGLE. What a joke...on me. He is doing nothing wrong. He has told me that he wants to break up. I am a big girl, I know I can tell him to take a flying leap, but when the phone rings, I answer. When he asks to come over, I say of course. Then the weekend comes and he is MIA, out with the guys. He calls me when he gets home at 2:30-3, and I am again reminded how freaking sick this situation is. Not together, not apart. We have seen three movies together in the past week and a half for example. WHY does he ask me to go if he does not care?? Because I am convenient? He says I love you etc.
I am not a stupid woman. I just am sad. I just DON'T WANT this to be the truth. I want him to WAKE UP and to apologize, and to stop this yo-yo attitude, and I want to be calm and happy with him again. Why do I have to go through this?? I don't feel sorry for myself...I know that I should have faced this stuff and dealt with it a long time ago. I do feel tired of everyone just telling me that it will be okay, that I will find someone else, that he is a JERK. IKNOWIKNOWIKNOW. But it does NOT FEEL like it!!!!!!!! This is the ONE thing that I have wanted...why can't I have it?? What is most heartbreaking is that if I were to REALLY walk away tonight, it would be a matter of days, maybe weeks, before he would be ALL about making this work again. I just cannot take this. I have given away all of my power and I feel lost when I take it back. (When I don't see him or talk to him, I feel lost as well.) How am I the loser in this either way?? I wish there was anything that anyone could do.
Sorry for the hour long rant. I just needed to get it out.
I hope all is going well in your world(s), I have not really been up to reading lately!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnYsxQysN_0&mode=related&search

Happy Pumpkin Day!

These are a couple of my cutey nephews. That lions mane was just about as big

as the little guy and it totally cracked me up.

I am going to go out with Dinner Date Guy tonight to Mapleside. He has never been, so thought that might be very fitting for this evening. We may crack open a couple bottles of wine and pass out candy to the trick or treaters and with my best friend and her fiance afterwards! It is such a fun thing to do, I just wish I was doing it with you know who. I'll let ya know how it goes.

Well, Happy Halloween Everybody!

Any runners out there??

This is a really great site to map out your course route and to let ya know how much mileage you are logging. It takes a minute to figure out how to use it, but once you do...AWESOME!!

I have a slight foot injury, so that is bumming me out. I feel a bit like Forest Gump...when I am not in a good place, I just want to Run and Run and Run until it is out of my system. Here's hoping this dang foot heals soon so I can keep my spirits up!

*Anyone else feeling a little down today?? I am not super sad, just stuck and need to get moving forward again. It sure is harder than it sounds. I can't wait to be happy again.

High School Never Ends

So, I was alerted by some very "with it" women here in Blogland that one of the sites I read is a joke pretty much. They are on a smear campaign to let people know what is happening. Otherwise god only knows how many women would get wrapped up with this guy. I am very disappointed because I liked reading this guys page. He is married and was acting like he was single. He even contacted several ladies directly and later professed that he had feelings for them. This of course turns my stomach. WTF is WRONG with some people?? I have nothing invested in this person, but I find myself so guarded as it is. HOW do you trust ANYONE in this damn world?? No big loss for me, actually a much needed reminder to not be so trusting of people that have not earned it!
I am so glad for the people I am getting to know here and I understand that not everyone is a lying cheating rat. I would welcome a break from hearing how often people lie and deceive each other though. I am thinking about choosing one day of the week and making sure I post only positive stuff that day. A little break from the crap that will drag myself and everyone around me straight into the doldrums.

I seem to have a fetish for music...but this seemed so fitting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9uOM0voY3I

Ring The Alarm

This is what I am feelin' right now. It is on rapid repeat today as I clean my place!!
*Love the white dress/coat as a side note!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j980AUw5JC4

Funnies

Guess it is going around...Ha! That rooster has the right solution though!!

Trimming the claws...a bit.

The thing about dating a guy that is just plain HOT is that well, everyone else thinks he is hot also. Those super cute clothes I picked up for him (thinking how good he would look in them)...yeah, apparently others notice that he dresses better than most gay men and feel the need to tell him so... if not touch the item.


I never noticed if the men I dated were irritated by whatever attention I got when we went out. If they were we joked about it. Maybe because it's expected for a woman to be pretty and admired and that most men get a kick out of being with a girl who people gawk shamelessly at. The flipside, however, isn't that fantastic. I don't know if it's because men tend to be more respectful of women who are obviously taken, but I can tell you women practically shove me aside to chit-chat with AK. The hissing, claws-drawn look probably isn't me at my most attractive, and it has been the cause of COUNTLESS fights…I am SERIOUS when I say that the next time around I pick a great looking guy that isn't model material. Don't get me wrong, it is a nice feeling to have someone mention how good looking your man is, and I feel PROUD of that. But REALLY, the situation with all these women just BORES me now. It is really such a TURN OFF at this point, and it has been after let's say the first week of it. I WON'T be wasting my energy, thoughts and time on every disrespectful woman that crosses my path from now on. Why I ever did is such a joke!

Let me help ya out.

Dear Madonna,

I would think that with all that money you have, you would be surrounded with people that help you with your appearance. Clearly not. As repayment for supplying all of the lip syncing material for my slumber parties when I was 10, I will help you out for free!

Now I know there are more important things in the world...like adopting babies...too bad you had to go to Africa instead of looking in your own backyard at the kids that don't have ANY parents, but hey, at least you are doing it right?!

Anyways, let me help a girl out. Call my hair stylist at Charles Scott Salon here in Ohio. Ask for Lauren. I was just there, so I am confident that she can help you color in those roots there on the top of your head. She can even suggest and schedule a date for your return visit for basic upkeep. That is a surefire way to avoid such embarrassment while on a publicity tour. On your way feel free to swing by Victoria's Secret to pick up a bra or two. They make really comfortable kinds now...no more cone shapes (wait, that was only YOU that liked that style).
Your poor shirt appears to have been attacked by a rainbow colored fern while in Africa. (Maybe it ate your bra?? That could explain!) No worries. Next to the Secret you should be able to find an Ann Taylor or Black House White Market. They can suggest a cute little camisole or something!
You could call up your understudy Britney and make it a girl's day...she could use an image makeover as well after your stint as her mentor...you DID see her Matt Lauer interview right? (You were a close second with your interview today on Oprah don't worry!)
Stick your head in the sand when you pass the orphanages here in town. You should see Angelina Jolie and a few other celebrities down there to keep you company!
Sincerely,
Mack