Short post (that says a lot)

This about says it all:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o97gcmGgPmg&mode=related&search

Oh, and this peanut...my friend Jen's little dancing diva dress up queen. Just made me smile. Oh, to be that young and innocent again!!!!! Life was so much easier then...

I should get the nobel peace prize for this!

I have a way to solve this epidemic of cheating. Well, at least to bring it down to outbreak status. It is like a disease after all...(Seriously for some people) but always a rotting of self respect, a decaying of morals, and the death of countless relationships.

I was thinking that each and every spineless person that strays while in a committed relationship, be it marriage or otherwise, should have to register as a SEX OFFENDER. Seriously. We have wasted that title on the drudge of society and could easily make those other creeps register under what they really are instead of sugar coating it. Like...PEDOPHILE and RAPIST. Then you would know what you are getting at a glance...for all of us. No B.S.
"Oh, a RAPIST moved in down the street", not "Well, a sex offender now lives on main street"...that could be fing anything. Why should the burden be on me to go to the public records to see what kind of a sexual deviant you are?? Freak.

Now it would save unspeakable amounts of tears, heartbreak and TIME if people could see at a glance that a person is a sex offender: Someone that has sex that OFFENDS. Someone that has OFFENDED the other fucking person in their committed fucking relationship. Someone that has OFFENDED every person in their life including their family and friends by minimizing all the love and time they have spent building a life together.

Just think how great it would be. When you meet some hot guy/gal at the bar or match.com, or where-freaking-ever, you look up their name and ~ OOPS, that person is a sex offender, had three affairs!!...NEXT...no STD's for me thankyouverymuch. What about that new person you have been eyeing at work (most people meet at work god forbid)...well, look them up. Oh, registered loser?? Strayed on his wife/her long term boyfriend??...NO THANKS. Think of the time that would be saved. (The divorce rate would plummet.) Then if you choose to move forward it is your OWN freaking fault. You have the FACTS!! Remember if they did it to her/him, they will do it to YOU. Why in the hell would YOU (oh vain one) think that YOU are exempt from their slimy ways?? What's that?? They LOVE you. Do you really think that they DON'T/DIDN'T LOVE the person they are cheating on??

There could even be levels...like there are now for the weirdos that end up in the current system.
Level One: These could be the PIGS that are Addicted to Porn, who masturbate in extreme EXCESS (this is a REAL problem for some couples), maybe online and phone sex with others could be in this category. Still being unfaithful, but they keep it at home for the most part. Closet sex offenders.

Level Two: You know, the Sheep of the group. No brain of their own so they flirt shamelessly and kiss another person or two because they get wrapped up in the moment. All of their friends are doing it, etc. No physical intercourse, everything but. Maybe the person that keeps their ex in the back pocket with phone calls, email and the occasional drink or two. Knows that you would kick their ass if you could see them, but tell themselves that you will never find out.

Level Three: Lying, deceitful, sneaky, sex having DOGS. The possibility of contracting an STD from these people is pretty HIGH! The chances of getting a broken heart= 100%. People that frequent Strippers and Hookers for sex count here as well.

It would be like the modern day Scarlet A. When you would pull credit or apply for a job or move to a new city, everyone would have easy access to your info...letting them know that you are loyal to NO ONE. After all a woman or man that will stray/hurt the person that they love most in the world would surely stray/hurt the lesser relationships in their life.

Cheating is simply too nice of a word. Society deems this socially acceptable for the most part. Everyone is doing it. Cheating. What the hell is this?? A board game?? Hey, you didn't just skip a space on the board there did you buddy?? Re-roll the dice okay?? You tore my heart out and rerouted the course of MY LIFE. Fuck you, Now we BOTH lose. No Fing winners here. Thanks for playing.

I have a right to be informed, and not after I have fallen in love with some master manipulator that only lets me see his good side at all times. Some creeps will not care about this system...more power to them, there are enough people that stray, they can date each other. See how it feels when it is happening to THEM. I imagine for the most part that Mrs. CEO and Mr. All American will think twice if they knew their lude acts would be published in the Sunday paper for the whole town to see.

Oink, BAAA, Bow-freaking-wow.

I'll take "Cute Hair" for $200 Alex.

$200 + an 11:30 Appt at Charles Scott Salon + the need for some change = This woman's hair color on my head!!
The close ups are really far and few between (watch for :59 and 1:28 as examples), but THAT is what my hair will soon look like...only longer!! YEAH!!!
The song is one of my favorites and the lyrics are SO appropriate. Hope you like them as well!!
*You men that read deserve a little eye candy after listening to all this boo hooing. *
My hair is super super blond right now with a really dark shade underneath in the back, but I go to a full shade of brown for my winter look each October. Today is the day and I cannot wait!! I never get to worked up because the girl that does my hair is so talented. She has never screwed it up and we do some very modern cuts and colors, so I have faith in her abilities. However going from super blond to dark brown is such a shock, I always get a little pit in my stomach when she is getting ready to show me the finished product. Cross your fingers for me!

** Now if only I could get that body from the video...check back in about 6 months...I won't have THAT, but something close I hope after all this working out...I am on my way, as long as I stay away from the comfort food!!

Mixed Signals

So for the most part, I can see things clearly. When it comes to AK, I have never apparently done so. This week is no exception. Here are just a couple of examples:

Yesterday he calls to say he is coming over to change my tail light bulb and license plate light bulb as I was pulled over for them. When I said I would just take it to a body shop to have them do it, he said "We can do it ourselves. There is no reason we should pay someone to do it."

Over the weekend a friend of mine asked if I had any openings at the cleaning company. We don't currently, but I figured out that it is AK's cousin that wanted the position. (It is a long winded story) So I told him about it and he said "I would rather not mix family and business."

HUH?? Now, again I was not going to hire her, but now you can see a SLIVER of WHY I am so mixed up all the time. These comments are constant...yet we are not together?????? WTF??

I am going to just keep plugging away like I mentioned in one of my comments...

Every time I think we have made a decision... I shortly there after feel like this sick cycle is still spinning.

Have you guys experienced this?? Or am I the only one that is stuck??

This is not LIVING

So today Mr. AK who has been coming over every day and calling like a lunatic several times at least a day, was in the very best mood when he told me that he does not want to be in a relationship and does not want to get married right now. That he is too messed up and needs time to heal from that drama that happened this spring. That if we were to get married he knows we would be happy, but he just is not ready right now. And that he loves me. And that when he says that, he means he does not want to date ANYBODY at all, that he is not interested in someone else this time.

Now, first, we never had the we are back together talk, it was just heading that way...so thanks for pulling the rug out from under me again. No wonder I cannot get my confidence up past NILL. Next, we have been at this for OVER 8yrs. You aren't ready?? I think Mr. Fancy Pants just has gotten a bit too comfortable again and believes I will just be here forever...waiting...like I have been all along without truly realizing it.

I need to think. My eyes and head hurt from crying and I am missing my cousins wedding as I type. I just have NO desire to go celebrate someone else getting married at the moment. I know that is so selfish. I am worn out from all these highs and lows. I am tired of crying and/or from being too numb to cry.

I am not sure EXACTLY how to handle this, but I am going to be busy getting on with my life I can tell you that. When he left it was like he had just said some everyday random sentence. He gave me a hug and kiss and said that he would call me later. I just need to think...this is not living.

Traditions

We have our very first snowfall of the season here in Ohio people. I am always a child about this. It makes me so happy. I always call or grab AK to tell or show him...so we can share it together. Retarded yes, but tradition. WELLLL, yesterday AK stopped over during lunch and with the largest, most proud smile I have ever seen, announced that it was snowing. Not just a flake or two, but lots of beautiful white fluffy flying SNOW!!! Typically AK is cynical and although he laughs at me responds with "that is sleet" or "that is hail silly" because it is only a flake or two!! I liked that he was the one to get excited about our little tradition this year! I was beaming.

So today I think I will make the annual pumpkin pie I bake for him each year. Last year I cut out leaf shapes to place on top, this year I think I will add a twist by making a pumpkin chiffon pie. Much lighter and really yummy.

Last weekend I went out to Mapleside to get some fresh apple cider and Pettitti Garden Center to get mums and pumpkins to put on my back porch/door area. *That Pettitti site does nothing to really show how magnificent it is. 14 Acres of plants of every kind as well as every possible gardening item ever invented. I could spend hours there! Each year I enjoy taking in all the smells and sites at these two places...people galore, lots of kids events (i.e. face painting, hay rides, scary storytelling ETC.) and the baked apple smell wafing through the air...BLISS!!

Yeah, what was I saying yesterday about not focusing on work?? Case in point!

*I also am excited to say ADIOS to the worst spring and summer EVER. SEE YA!

I like these little traditions that we have...

Do you guys have any???

My very first MEME!

Thanks Solaris for tagging me...I have not felt like blogging a lot lately, so this gives me a good topic and let's you guys know a bit more about me!!

The Work Meme:

1. What is the best thing about your workplace?

I have two jobs. I own a small commercial cleaning company and I am in property management.
I love that I am my own boss and that I can set my own hours and wear what I want…even if that means P.J.’s. It is great to go to the bathroom or to grab something to eat without having to let anyone know first!!

2. What do you hate about your workplace?

It is easy to slack. I could be making much more money if I wouldn’t let small things pull me away from what I should be focusing on!!

3. What small irritance at your workplace really annoys you?

My cats like to lay on the paperwork that I am doing and/or in between me and the computer keyboard.
Oh, and I hate having to explain to every single person I meet that I do everything BUT the cleaning for my company.

4. Describe the actions/quirks of the weirdest person you work with.

Well, I work with myself. SO, with that being said it is that I do not push myself hard enough…it’s annoying to me. I have taken my real estate classes and just need to take the state and national exams to get licensed, but every day I put it off.

5. What is one thing that you would change at your workplace to make life a helluva lot better.

It would be in a new house, not this two bedroom apartment!!

I think everyone I know has already been tagged except for Frannie Farmer at You can't unscramble scrambled eggs...So you are IT!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA Slut!!

Nelson is the real last name of "Crazy" as we so affectionately call her. Nelson is what she very often goes by. Seems the whole world knows the truth. Here are apparently four more guys that know what AK (and unfortunately me) found out the hard way. We should have seen the signs...like THIS one!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Something to look forward to!!

My brother is moving back from Utah with his Girlfriend. It couldn't come at a better time.
She owned a yoga studio out there. So, when it came time to move in together, it seemed that it had to be Utah because of the business. His business is virtual, so he can go anywhere. Neither of them LOVE it out there. I guess that it is beautiful and heathly and all that, but they are ready to move on now that she closed her studio due to her partner starting to act shady.

My brother and I are VERY close. Other than AK and Amy (his g-friend) we are each other's best friend. We have other people we are very close to, but we know that no matter what, we have each other. We have been there through the ups and downs of life and only been closer for it.

I will be so glad to see him. He is a very motivating successful person. Just being around him makes me get my act together and vice versa. Can't wait. I could use a little positive momentum!!

**In world News: North Korea sucks.**

Scraped up heart.

Blogging about my relationship feels a bit like...

Being 4 and scraping my knee up.
I get to put a bandaid on the boo boo and when people come over I lift it up to show them that I have an ouchey. They of course tell me it is going to be all better soon (which makes the 4yr old keep doing it). Even when the scrape is gone, they still remember it and bring it up... maybe for attention or maybe from the lingering memory of the pain.

It feels a bit uncomfortable being 31 and doing this. I am not looking for "attention" rather other viewpoints and guidance.
I also cannot decide if I am helping myself by doing so...I think so, but does talking about this negative stuff just bring myself and others down?? Does it keep me in the past??
It felt really draining and extremely painful to write those last posts. I felt like I wanted to get it all out, but during the process I felt so sad. I cannot erase that stuff and it really pains me that someone that says he loves me more than anyone is the world is capable of doing those things to me. I could never hurt anyone like that, let alone the person I love most. I have learned to not trust him and worse yet to not trust myself. I know that if past actions are predictors of future actions, that I fail miserably. That bothers me. I know right from wrong. Why do I love this man that has decimated every shred of decency and innocence we had?? Why do I struggle with letting him go?? If he were to physically hurt me there would not even be a moments pause...I would leave. He hurts me emotionally and mentally and I stay???????? Cheating has always been a deal breaker in the past. It is like there is some sort of disconnect. There has been for years now. I need to find a way through that numbness.