On Hiatus

I am so swamped with this upcoming wedding this weekend that you would think I was the one getting hitched. Still working on those damn cookies and just finished shopping for something to wear. I have to do a reading, so I am going to try to memorize it (or most of it) so I do not stumble around up there. I also have to head out to my parents about an hour away to get chafing dishes for the rehearsal dinner...they are doing a seafood boil and since I have the warming dishes, that is on my list as well. I have to be there tomorrow at 5 and the trip is about 1.5 hrs away. That leaves me not much time to get everything done on time...
SOOOO, I will most likely not have time to check this thing (or my friendly blog neighbors) until Sunday. I may try to pop in if I have insomnia...I have reached full on exhaustion though, so I have been passing out at night. I am guessing I will have some great posts when I return from this event, so have a great weekend. See ya on Sunday!!

Mini Martha at Work!

So I need to bake 100-200 cookies minimum for one of my friends weddings this week. They do a cookie table and I have been recruited as one of the best cookie bakers. Gee thanks. This is when you wish you had a pass on that sort of honor. I knew this perfection/OCD disorder would bite me in the ass. Now that I am stuck though I guess I should make the most of it. Below is a picture of the cookie I am going to be making. I am going to try to accomplish this feat today...it may take me tomorrow as well in which case dinner date guy offered to come over to watch ME bake. He seems to think this would be funny because I had the opportunity to watch HIM cook me dinner. I'll let ya know how it goes...

Men in tight pants!

ILOVEFOOTBALLMADLY. Always have. I guess I get that from growing up with a bunch of brothers and my dad. That is definately when I learned to yell at the Television. We used to watch the games every Sunday and it was exciting. That is when the Browns used to win. God help us now. We cannot seem to shake this curse for anything. At least the stadium is GORGEOUS. Spoken like a true girl.

We played the Ravens yesterday. Those are the old Browns you know...before they relocated to Baltimore. So we like to beat them every chance we get. We don't seem to be able to beat anyone right now though. I went to the game with one of my girlfriends. She offered up a spare ticket. I practically fell over myself because they were great seats that normally I would have to pay $67 to purchase!! We were kicking butt the ENTIRE game and then in the last quarter fell apart just like we always do. We literally lost in the last 20 seconds to a field goal.

There were a good amount of good looking guys there. Why more women do not talk about stadiums being the place to meet men I have no idea. Where else will you find thousands of men all in the same spot?? Just one more reason to love Fall!!!!!

Goodbye/Hello

This is the dome from our church.

Over these months I've likened the destruction of my relationship to standing on a beach with a double fisted handful of very fine, very dry, very special sand. It has substance, but it isn't solid~it isn't anything I can really hang onto.
No matter how hard I try to squeeze and hold on to it, with every beat of my heart more of it sifts through the small gaps between my fingers and falls to the ground. I can't catch what is falling without dropping more, and I can never gather every grain of my special handful of sand and hold it all together again. In no time at all, I have noticed most of it is gone and all I have left in my hands is an empty space.

**I read an article a long time ago that was very similar to what I just wrote...I tried to memorize it, and I cannot remember the author, but this is about as close as I can get to duplicating it. It is one of the most poignant things I have ever read in relation to my feelings. I put it in my profile that is how much it describes how I feel!!!

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Today was the big send off for our priest at church. I have never been close to a priest and his family before, so I was not sure how I would react. I held up pretty well. My eyes welled up twice, but that was nothing in comparison to the 300 women (and some men) that were crying. AK got a little red eyed for a moment but it passed quickly. The priest is his distant cousin and also a great mentor for AK and I. We went to him for a long time for counseling. He and his family helped to make my transition from Catholic to Greek Orthodox pleasant. We both believed he would be the one to marry us and to baptize our children as well as help us when needed for spiritual/life advice, so for me it was much more about letting go of another portion of my life dream with AK. That just may be the last time I enter that church, and that is a big step for me. It was like saying goodbye to the past and hello to another clean fresh start.

I was very grateful for AK's behavior today. As I mentioned earlier on in the week, he made some BS comment to me about going together and I pretty much put the smack down on him by stating that if he had ANY reason to NOT want to attend together that there was no reason for us to hang out at all. He was very respectful, did not act embarrassed at all, and as a matter of fact he was having fun with me like we used to do when we went every week together. It was nice because it meant a lot to me to be there today and he could have very easily ruined my mood/day like he has in the past. So, although that should be a given, I do feel very relieved and grateful!!

Some of the people today were cracking me up. I got a lot of comments about us and them being so glad to see me again, but my favorite was from a wonderful old woman that said "I want you to keep in touch, because I am going to be at the wedding... and there IS going to be a wedding!! He (pointing at AK) may not know it just yet, but there WILL be one." I love her kind heart.

I also got one cold "nice to meet you...again" from some young greek female dog that was clear about her attraction to AK in the past. She only said that because when she walked up to kiss AK on the cheek and gush about nothing important, he found what was left of his manners and cut her off to say "You remember (my name)...RIGHT??" Her intention was to be a snob to me like always. It felt good to smile at her and to know that I am okay with who I am now. In the past I was so afraid of her and any other attractive girl. I worried they would somehow "take him away" from me. I laugh at that now. I seem to have found some comfort in the fact that these other women do not KNOW who he REALLY is. They think they do...Before that made me mad and I wanted to make it known that I was the ONLY woman that really knows him. Now I know that what matters to me is that I know the truth...and that is all I need.

I am a 5th grader.

This is the scene of the crime...the patio has chairs/tables etc. and the place looks so different like this!!

While dating AK I never gave anyone else a second glance really. My girlfriends would do the normal..."wow, that guy is HOT" and I would be thinking, "yeah, not as hot as AK". I was the subject of much teasing because of this but never minded. Well, that being said, a couple of years ago I found an exception to the rule. We were out with my friends for my birthday at my favorite bar. AK was in a mood and was acting like I annoyed him with just my very presence. That usually means he is talking to another woman and is annoyed because she is new and exciting and I, well I am the old staple...I digress.

I looked up and saw this guy that was bartending. Great body, very similar to AK, the kind that is in the gym most days of the week and that also hits the tanning bed from time to time. His head was shaved bald intentionally (you can always tell by the hairline) and he had the best smile. He was dressed just the way I like...edgy but not too trendy yet still fairly conservative if that makes sense!! So, I went up to the bar and ordered a cocktail from him. He was SO polite and sweet.

THEN I remembered...about a year before that when I was out with the girls and I was way tipsy, I sat at this very bar and he hit on me. He asked me to go to some after hours place when he got off work and my response was "Do you do drugs?? Ever tried them even??" OMG the DORK that I can be. I remember my girlfriend CRACKING up and shaking her head. He answered though. He said that he had only tried pot and that it was just not his thing at all. I still blew him off. First of all there was AK, so it was not an issue, and I have been over after hours for YEARS.

Back to the birthday though: I proceeded to go back to the table and whisper and giggle with the girls like I was in the 5th grade or something. They were ALL about it because they had not heard me mention anyone other than you know who and were LOVING it. They took the time to figure out his name (Adam) and to figure out that he was not married and what nights he worked. From that day forward he was known as Hot Bartender Boy.

SO, on the FIRST night I went out with the girls this summer as a single woman I struck it rich. We met a group of four guys that were way flirty and I took a number. We then met up with a hot guy that I went to college with and sparks were flying. The girls jaws were dropping all night with the turn around in my attitude especially with it being my first (self proclaimed) unveiling of me as a single girl. It was one of my favorite nights out for sure. THEN we decide to shut down our new favorite bar and when we walk in GUESS WHO was bartending?? Hot bartender boy. We all just looked at each other like we had hit the lottery or something. It was a Trifecta.

I walked up to the bar and before I could say what I wanted, HE TOLD ME MY ORDER...and smiled at me. I almost fainted. He had remembered my drink from years ago at the other bar. All my newfound aggressive flirtyness flew out the window. I just said "yes", ran back to my friends (like a 5th grader) and thought some more about passing out. I then rationalized that he is a bartender and that is what he does. The girls assured me that he had not remembered their drinks. We left that night to him saying "Great to see you. Stop back in again."

Well, that place was our new hang out and him starting there only made it more appealing, so we did stop back in...several more times over the summer. He always greets me with a great smile and something cute about how nice it is to see me. I have chatted with him a bit to learn that he has a day job...sales, and just uses this gig as a Friday night side job!! He also has divulged that he is Ukrainian (so is my mom...she would FLIP over this fact) and that he goes to church almost every Sunday. INTERESTING.

Last night we went to said bar and he was working. He looked extra hot with an OSU hat on backwards and a super cute pair of jeans and the perfect shirt. He was swamped but per the usual stopped, greeted me and was super sweet. So after a Long Island and a half, I decide I am going to ask him out. OMG. I have never done that...that I can remember. I wanted to just talk to him, but he was SO busy there was never an opportunity. So again with class coming out my ears, I decide to write on a bar napkin to hand over with my credit card slip: "Adam, Drinks???? (xxx) xxx-xxxx and my name"

OMG I am a 5th grader.

No Rest For the Weary

Part of Cleveland at night...everyone else seems to be sleeping!!

Sleep is not my friend. Dreams...nope. I can't seem to shut this brain down for even a few hours of shuteye. Oh no, then the real fun begins. The more exaggerated version of reality kicks in and I wake up every morning with a freaking headache. THANK YOU VERY MUCH AK. Last night I had a great dream in which this woman was hitting on AK right in front of me. Now that could happen in real life because it has more times than I can count. Like I am the freaking invisible woman or something. Anyways, in this STUPID dream AK is telling me that it is not an issue because we are technically BROKEN UP. He then proceeds to kiss this gal right on the mouth, say something I cannot hear and she smirks at me. I could feel my blood boiling. So being the classy gal that I am in this dream I give her the middle finger and call her trash and I make a comment about how freaking ugly she is. I have wanted to do that before in real life, so I guess this was a good thing but as I write this I am shaking my head at how well refined I am.

The fun thing about dreamland is that there is no rhyme or reason, so the next thing I remember is that I was in close proximity to Crazy. Crazy is the nickname AK and I gave to his last fling. Honestly she is crazy. That post will come soon I can tell. ANYWAYS, I cannot remember much, but I do know I was verbally crucifying her and that later there was a gun involved. Now, I think she had it and was trying to kill me. How appropriate ~ cuz in a way she already has.

I wake up several times a night and the only time I rest well AT ALL is when AK is next to me. Even if it is just a nap I am out like a light (with no bad dreams), but I must be SO concerned about what he is doing every second that he is not next to me that I cannot rest. Just writing this I get how unhealthy that is, but I cannot seem to turn it off. I try relaxing music, television, I stay up really late thinking I will be extra tired and unable to NOT sleep, etc. I am not a big pill popper but check in next week because if this little issue doesn't correct itself I may be doing just that.

This whole thing is parallel to our entire relationship. He sleeps like a baby. He can't seem to turn his brain ON...maybe if he did we wouldn't be in this damn mess. I on the other hand am tortured by HIS actions. Now I get that at this point I just keep lining up for more and that is on me, but even with trying to "break up" if you will, I seem to be affected more than Mr. McCheater. So, I tell him just the basics and that grand ass laughs...he says that although he is sorry that I am hurting, my dream is funny and that he could totally see me being that fiesty and that it is cute that I get that worked up over a dream.

I decided right then and there that I am going to call him everytime I wake up over one of these damn "dreams" or when the insomnia is making me replay everything that has happened recently. I mean, he did this shit. If I have to be up then so should he. Let's see how fing "cute" he thinks it is THEN!

Rinse and Repeat...and Repeat

So everyone knows that old saying that if you do the same thing you get the same thing. DUH.Why does it sound so clear and obvious there?? Let me get to the point.

AK is a sex addict. For those of you that think that is an excuse or a joke trust me, so did I at first. Then I researched it...A LOT. It is real. That does not mean I have to put up with it or that he can try to use it to his advantage (he doesn't). But at least I get it. Sometimes I forget though, because it is not like you can look at him and tell...you can't smell it on his breath and only I can see it in his eyes when it is affecting him. He has to wait until November for his health insurance to kick in (new job) so he currently is not seeking help which freaking churns my stomach. So anyways everything will be going smoothly for a month or two so I start to let my guard down. It is A LOT of work to constantly have it up and to be checking everything possible.

So, he is taking online classes for Meteorology. He has been studying very hard, coming home every night after work and diving in. Even staying in on weekends (sometimes) to get ahead. He has a work computer, but does not feel like he can use that laptop for school without it being an issue, so I let him use my home computer when I am around. No problem except that part of his addiction is porn. I stay close to remind him to keep it clean. I thought that was working. Well, last night as I lay in the other room (within eyeshot) he hops on myspace to start looking at those whores.

Now he has learned that he cannot go to the obvious sites or I will be able to find out easily, so being the pro that he is, he never advances directly to GO, he backdoors it. So, monitoring him like a child, I crane my neck and see he has something up other than school and very quietly walk up behind him. He clicks off of course and comes up with a very lame excuse that I did not buy. This poor kid is so fing SICK. He cannot control himself. Women are like CRACK to him. My stomach SANK and I have felt very sad ever since. I know he cannot beat this thing alone like he would like to believe and I know from experts that I cannot love him enough to make this shit stop. I just cannot wait for him to go next month. I reacted very calmly. Told him that I was hurt and that he would not be looking at that here again one way or another and that he could choose. He laughed out of nervousness and embarrasment. I wanted to freaking yell "what's so fing funny" but instead I just said "You are better than this shit, and you know it. I love you". The nervous laugh stopped and I saw that same look of despair that I have seen 1 million times before.

I am insulted beyond compare. I have to keep reminding myself that it is not about me and that he is ill, but my gut instinct is anger and hurt. I can control myself, why can't he?? I was raised that drugs etc. were signs of weakness and lack of self respect and control. I have NO sympathy for people that set themselves up for a life of hell with that shit, so I am having a hard time understanding that this "drug" is all around and harder to ignore. It is on TV, Radio, Print, in shop windows, with friends...Literally EVERYWHERE and equally as addictive. It just seems so simple...get your fing head out of the gutter man. If you love me then you fing love ME, not every other walking female that comes across your line of vision. I know the way this works now after experience...this progresses. It is not just porn...it ALWAYS escalates. Right now that is it, but if he does not get in to a doctor soon, it will be unprotected sex with whatever beautiful skank shows enough interest followed by months of self hatred and zero self esteem. I cannot be there if it happens again. I do not have it in me anymore.

I wish this were alcohol I could dump the shit out (and keep him out of bars etc). If it were drugs I would throw him in rehab or get him arrested so he could get help. But this monster is so large and it feels unstoppable. Sometimes I hate what society deems Normal. I do not blame them 100%, his parents bear that burden, but I do cringe more than other women when I see some girl half dressed or a racey commercial etc.

Mostly I feel a really DEEP sense of sadness for my best friend. I know he is hurting more than either of us understand or can explain. I know he is searching in those girls for something he can only find within. That love and acceptance will always evade him until he learns to like himself (let alone Love) himself. I wish I could wave a magic wand or beat the shit out of every man that thinks it is FUNNY to stare at women online, forward porn, suggest strip clubs, comment on womens bodies as they walk by ETC. making all of that crap "what guys do". Get a fing life already, you are not in junior high anymore big boy!!

I just want some rest and peace for both of us. I want my best friend to be well. I want his addiction to stop RUINING our life together, which I am accepting more and more is over.

I know I am a lyrics junkie so I will not post the entire song but I have "Into the Ocean" by Blue October on rapid repeat in my head. Here is a couple of verses from it...I wish I knew how to add it to this blog so you could listen at will. Actually, you can go here: http://www.myspace.com/blueoctober to listen to it.

I want to swim away but don’t know how..Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean.

Let the waves up~ take me down, let the hurricane set in motion.. yea.

Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down.. (goodbye…)

Let the rain come down (goodbye…).

Where is the coastguard? I keep looking each direction for a spotlight; give me something;

I need something for protection..

Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine..the jetsum sunk, I’m left behind;

I’m treading for my life, believe me (how can I keep up this breathing)?

Not knowing how to think, I scream aloud, begin to sink..

My legs and arms are broken down with envy for the solid ground.

I’m reaching for the life within me..

How can one man stop his ending?

I thought of just your face... relaxed, and floated into space.

Todays Quote! "He who forgets, will be destined to remember..."

Limbo

Limbo Sucks.
You know that point in life that some people experience where you are not really here nor there.
Yeah, I am smack dab in the middle of it.
My love life is a mess. I am newly dating and although fun to meet new people and experience different things, I have not met anyone I am able to give my heart to. I know this is partially because AK is right there...doing just enough to make me question EVERYTHING. This past week of course he has been ALL about hanging out because he saw dinner date guy and freaked!! He then flips like a switch when I say I am going to church with him on sunday (our priest is leaving and we are pretty close to him). He said we should ride seperately because everyone will think we are back together and that will start a firestorm of gossip. Well, needless to say I AM/WAS P.O.'d. Who the hell cares what people think. He's not worrying about that when he is in bed with me...or out to dinner. This is because everyone at church loves and misses me and they are constantly asking about me, making it hard for him to forget. ALSO there is this Angela gal that he met there and they have become good friends. He says she is not his type and he is not attracted to her. She would be one of the few in the world if that were the case, so B.S. is my thought on that. Regardless, the point is he has met another girl at church in the time I have been gone. THAT should be my answer. The kid meets women EVERYWHERE...NO JOKE. The crazy he cheated on me with was from the gym, he clearly meets people at church now, he gets hit on at work nonstop, he even meets people online via his ONLINE CLASSES he is taking. God help me. Next time I want a good looking but not over the top MODEST man. I digress. So, Sunday should be very interesting. If that fool so much as flinches with me by his side I am HALTING all interaction. If he thinks we can work on things and be "best friends" while he acts like I do not exist to the rest of his little circle, he can kiss my rear!!
Now to my other side as well...There is one guy that I am excited to hang out with. I have written off most of the other guys as just friends. Dinner date guy is up in the air for me still.
Anyways, this is the guy I met at the concert. He is very cute. Hot even. So, that makes me a little nervous after AK. We'll have to see if he really is as sweet and down to earth as he seems or if he has girls falling all over him like someone else we know. They both are in the same profession. Red flag. This new one has shared that he has been single for a year, and that he HATES being single and dating around. He said that trust and honesty are his two biggies. I am guessing he was cheated on as well?? We are getting together later this week and I am excited to see if this is just chemistry or maybe the guy that is good enough to help me turn my back on AK for good??
If the truth were to be told, I wish daily for some miracle of god. I wish He would give me back the man I fell in love with. I wish AK could be well again and I wish all this BS would go away so we could just live happily ever after. I see lots of people getting married, buying houses, having kids...why the hell can't we??
Limbo sucks.

Something to think about: “Is being faithful consigned to the limbo of the forgotten- along with good English and good manners?"

For the Ladies

Thought this might lighten the mood around here for just one day. Not typically a male basher, but some of these made me smile!! I don't think any guys read this, but I am sure they could take it in stride!! Enjoy!!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Ohio State University."
And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says,"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.
"The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!Gotta love that fairy!

Dear Lord,I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Quote on Humor: “Good humor is the health of the soul, sadness its poison”

Means to an End

Sometimes I wonder if all of this is just a means to an end.
Did all this BS happen to make me (and of course AK) become better people, to force us to fix ourselves so we could come back around and truely make it together??
Did I go through all this so I could find the guy I am going to marry...that NOT being AK??
We have not let go yet. Our connection is unlike anything I have seen before. That being said, not so strong that AK would not stray. Contradiction I know. Regardless, AK is freaking a bit about me dating. Kinda feels good to know it does bother him, kinda sucks to know both of us are hurting. Mostly it is confusing to me. Why do you care if you can so easily cheat. That is SOOO not love. I thought at first it was an ego thing, but I can tell this genuinely is bothering him. He has not been able to put feelings with the image of me with someone else because for so many years, I never even looked at other guys. Now that he has seen it, he is starting to get a glimpse of what this is really all about. I am glad it stings...let's me know he does still have feelings. Not just for me, but in general.

Monday Quote: “He who chooses the beginning of the road chooses the place it leads to. It is the means that determines the end.”