I am a 5th grader.

This is the scene of the crime...the patio has chairs/tables etc. and the place looks so different like this!!

While dating AK I never gave anyone else a second glance really. My girlfriends would do the normal..."wow, that guy is HOT" and I would be thinking, "yeah, not as hot as AK". I was the subject of much teasing because of this but never minded. Well, that being said, a couple of years ago I found an exception to the rule. We were out with my friends for my birthday at my favorite bar. AK was in a mood and was acting like I annoyed him with just my very presence. That usually means he is talking to another woman and is annoyed because she is new and exciting and I, well I am the old staple...I digress.

I looked up and saw this guy that was bartending. Great body, very similar to AK, the kind that is in the gym most days of the week and that also hits the tanning bed from time to time. His head was shaved bald intentionally (you can always tell by the hairline) and he had the best smile. He was dressed just the way I like...edgy but not too trendy yet still fairly conservative if that makes sense!! So, I went up to the bar and ordered a cocktail from him. He was SO polite and sweet.

THEN I remembered...about a year before that when I was out with the girls and I was way tipsy, I sat at this very bar and he hit on me. He asked me to go to some after hours place when he got off work and my response was "Do you do drugs?? Ever tried them even??" OMG the DORK that I can be. I remember my girlfriend CRACKING up and shaking her head. He answered though. He said that he had only tried pot and that it was just not his thing at all. I still blew him off. First of all there was AK, so it was not an issue, and I have been over after hours for YEARS.

Back to the birthday though: I proceeded to go back to the table and whisper and giggle with the girls like I was in the 5th grade or something. They were ALL about it because they had not heard me mention anyone other than you know who and were LOVING it. They took the time to figure out his name (Adam) and to figure out that he was not married and what nights he worked. From that day forward he was known as Hot Bartender Boy.

SO, on the FIRST night I went out with the girls this summer as a single woman I struck it rich. We met a group of four guys that were way flirty and I took a number. We then met up with a hot guy that I went to college with and sparks were flying. The girls jaws were dropping all night with the turn around in my attitude especially with it being my first (self proclaimed) unveiling of me as a single girl. It was one of my favorite nights out for sure. THEN we decide to shut down our new favorite bar and when we walk in GUESS WHO was bartending?? Hot bartender boy. We all just looked at each other like we had hit the lottery or something. It was a Trifecta.

I walked up to the bar and before I could say what I wanted, HE TOLD ME MY ORDER...and smiled at me. I almost fainted. He had remembered my drink from years ago at the other bar. All my newfound aggressive flirtyness flew out the window. I just said "yes", ran back to my friends (like a 5th grader) and thought some more about passing out. I then rationalized that he is a bartender and that is what he does. The girls assured me that he had not remembered their drinks. We left that night to him saying "Great to see you. Stop back in again."

Well, that place was our new hang out and him starting there only made it more appealing, so we did stop back in...several more times over the summer. He always greets me with a great smile and something cute about how nice it is to see me. I have chatted with him a bit to learn that he has a day job...sales, and just uses this gig as a Friday night side job!! He also has divulged that he is Ukrainian (so is my mom...she would FLIP over this fact) and that he goes to church almost every Sunday. INTERESTING.

Last night we went to said bar and he was working. He looked extra hot with an OSU hat on backwards and a super cute pair of jeans and the perfect shirt. He was swamped but per the usual stopped, greeted me and was super sweet. So after a Long Island and a half, I decide I am going to ask him out. OMG. I have never done that...that I can remember. I wanted to just talk to him, but he was SO busy there was never an opportunity. So again with class coming out my ears, I decide to write on a bar napkin to hand over with my credit card slip: "Adam, Drinks???? (xxx) xxx-xxxx and my name"

OMG I am a 5th grader.

No Rest For the Weary

Part of Cleveland at night...everyone else seems to be sleeping!!

Sleep is not my friend. Dreams...nope. I can't seem to shut this brain down for even a few hours of shuteye. Oh no, then the real fun begins. The more exaggerated version of reality kicks in and I wake up every morning with a freaking headache. THANK YOU VERY MUCH AK. Last night I had a great dream in which this woman was hitting on AK right in front of me. Now that could happen in real life because it has more times than I can count. Like I am the freaking invisible woman or something. Anyways, in this STUPID dream AK is telling me that it is not an issue because we are technically BROKEN UP. He then proceeds to kiss this gal right on the mouth, say something I cannot hear and she smirks at me. I could feel my blood boiling. So being the classy gal that I am in this dream I give her the middle finger and call her trash and I make a comment about how freaking ugly she is. I have wanted to do that before in real life, so I guess this was a good thing but as I write this I am shaking my head at how well refined I am.

The fun thing about dreamland is that there is no rhyme or reason, so the next thing I remember is that I was in close proximity to Crazy. Crazy is the nickname AK and I gave to his last fling. Honestly she is crazy. That post will come soon I can tell. ANYWAYS, I cannot remember much, but I do know I was verbally crucifying her and that later there was a gun involved. Now, I think she had it and was trying to kill me. How appropriate ~ cuz in a way she already has.

I wake up several times a night and the only time I rest well AT ALL is when AK is next to me. Even if it is just a nap I am out like a light (with no bad dreams), but I must be SO concerned about what he is doing every second that he is not next to me that I cannot rest. Just writing this I get how unhealthy that is, but I cannot seem to turn it off. I try relaxing music, television, I stay up really late thinking I will be extra tired and unable to NOT sleep, etc. I am not a big pill popper but check in next week because if this little issue doesn't correct itself I may be doing just that.

This whole thing is parallel to our entire relationship. He sleeps like a baby. He can't seem to turn his brain ON...maybe if he did we wouldn't be in this damn mess. I on the other hand am tortured by HIS actions. Now I get that at this point I just keep lining up for more and that is on me, but even with trying to "break up" if you will, I seem to be affected more than Mr. McCheater. So, I tell him just the basics and that grand ass laughs...he says that although he is sorry that I am hurting, my dream is funny and that he could totally see me being that fiesty and that it is cute that I get that worked up over a dream.

I decided right then and there that I am going to call him everytime I wake up over one of these damn "dreams" or when the insomnia is making me replay everything that has happened recently. I mean, he did this shit. If I have to be up then so should he. Let's see how fing "cute" he thinks it is THEN!

Rinse and Repeat...and Repeat

So everyone knows that old saying that if you do the same thing you get the same thing. DUH.Why does it sound so clear and obvious there?? Let me get to the point.

AK is a sex addict. For those of you that think that is an excuse or a joke trust me, so did I at first. Then I researched it...A LOT. It is real. That does not mean I have to put up with it or that he can try to use it to his advantage (he doesn't). But at least I get it. Sometimes I forget though, because it is not like you can look at him and tell...you can't smell it on his breath and only I can see it in his eyes when it is affecting him. He has to wait until November for his health insurance to kick in (new job) so he currently is not seeking help which freaking churns my stomach. So anyways everything will be going smoothly for a month or two so I start to let my guard down. It is A LOT of work to constantly have it up and to be checking everything possible.

So, he is taking online classes for Meteorology. He has been studying very hard, coming home every night after work and diving in. Even staying in on weekends (sometimes) to get ahead. He has a work computer, but does not feel like he can use that laptop for school without it being an issue, so I let him use my home computer when I am around. No problem except that part of his addiction is porn. I stay close to remind him to keep it clean. I thought that was working. Well, last night as I lay in the other room (within eyeshot) he hops on myspace to start looking at those whores.

Now he has learned that he cannot go to the obvious sites or I will be able to find out easily, so being the pro that he is, he never advances directly to GO, he backdoors it. So, monitoring him like a child, I crane my neck and see he has something up other than school and very quietly walk up behind him. He clicks off of course and comes up with a very lame excuse that I did not buy. This poor kid is so fing SICK. He cannot control himself. Women are like CRACK to him. My stomach SANK and I have felt very sad ever since. I know he cannot beat this thing alone like he would like to believe and I know from experts that I cannot love him enough to make this shit stop. I just cannot wait for him to go next month. I reacted very calmly. Told him that I was hurt and that he would not be looking at that here again one way or another and that he could choose. He laughed out of nervousness and embarrasment. I wanted to freaking yell "what's so fing funny" but instead I just said "You are better than this shit, and you know it. I love you". The nervous laugh stopped and I saw that same look of despair that I have seen 1 million times before.

I am insulted beyond compare. I have to keep reminding myself that it is not about me and that he is ill, but my gut instinct is anger and hurt. I can control myself, why can't he?? I was raised that drugs etc. were signs of weakness and lack of self respect and control. I have NO sympathy for people that set themselves up for a life of hell with that shit, so I am having a hard time understanding that this "drug" is all around and harder to ignore. It is on TV, Radio, Print, in shop windows, with friends...Literally EVERYWHERE and equally as addictive. It just seems so simple...get your fing head out of the gutter man. If you love me then you fing love ME, not every other walking female that comes across your line of vision. I know the way this works now after experience...this progresses. It is not just porn...it ALWAYS escalates. Right now that is it, but if he does not get in to a doctor soon, it will be unprotected sex with whatever beautiful skank shows enough interest followed by months of self hatred and zero self esteem. I cannot be there if it happens again. I do not have it in me anymore.

I wish this were alcohol I could dump the shit out (and keep him out of bars etc). If it were drugs I would throw him in rehab or get him arrested so he could get help. But this monster is so large and it feels unstoppable. Sometimes I hate what society deems Normal. I do not blame them 100%, his parents bear that burden, but I do cringe more than other women when I see some girl half dressed or a racey commercial etc.

Mostly I feel a really DEEP sense of sadness for my best friend. I know he is hurting more than either of us understand or can explain. I know he is searching in those girls for something he can only find within. That love and acceptance will always evade him until he learns to like himself (let alone Love) himself. I wish I could wave a magic wand or beat the shit out of every man that thinks it is FUNNY to stare at women online, forward porn, suggest strip clubs, comment on womens bodies as they walk by ETC. making all of that crap "what guys do". Get a fing life already, you are not in junior high anymore big boy!!

I just want some rest and peace for both of us. I want my best friend to be well. I want his addiction to stop RUINING our life together, which I am accepting more and more is over.

I know I am a lyrics junkie so I will not post the entire song but I have "Into the Ocean" by Blue October on rapid repeat in my head. Here is a couple of verses from it...I wish I knew how to add it to this blog so you could listen at will. Actually, you can go here: http://www.myspace.com/blueoctober to listen to it.

I want to swim away but don’t know how..Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean.

Let the waves up~ take me down, let the hurricane set in motion.. yea.

Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down.. (goodbye…)

Let the rain come down (goodbye…).

Where is the coastguard? I keep looking each direction for a spotlight; give me something;

I need something for protection..

Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine..the jetsum sunk, I’m left behind;

I’m treading for my life, believe me (how can I keep up this breathing)?

Not knowing how to think, I scream aloud, begin to sink..

My legs and arms are broken down with envy for the solid ground.

I’m reaching for the life within me..

How can one man stop his ending?

I thought of just your face... relaxed, and floated into space.

Todays Quote! "He who forgets, will be destined to remember..."

Limbo

Limbo Sucks.
You know that point in life that some people experience where you are not really here nor there.
Yeah, I am smack dab in the middle of it.
My love life is a mess. I am newly dating and although fun to meet new people and experience different things, I have not met anyone I am able to give my heart to. I know this is partially because AK is right there...doing just enough to make me question EVERYTHING. This past week of course he has been ALL about hanging out because he saw dinner date guy and freaked!! He then flips like a switch when I say I am going to church with him on sunday (our priest is leaving and we are pretty close to him). He said we should ride seperately because everyone will think we are back together and that will start a firestorm of gossip. Well, needless to say I AM/WAS P.O.'d. Who the hell cares what people think. He's not worrying about that when he is in bed with me...or out to dinner. This is because everyone at church loves and misses me and they are constantly asking about me, making it hard for him to forget. ALSO there is this Angela gal that he met there and they have become good friends. He says she is not his type and he is not attracted to her. She would be one of the few in the world if that were the case, so B.S. is my thought on that. Regardless, the point is he has met another girl at church in the time I have been gone. THAT should be my answer. The kid meets women EVERYWHERE...NO JOKE. The crazy he cheated on me with was from the gym, he clearly meets people at church now, he gets hit on at work nonstop, he even meets people online via his ONLINE CLASSES he is taking. God help me. Next time I want a good looking but not over the top MODEST man. I digress. So, Sunday should be very interesting. If that fool so much as flinches with me by his side I am HALTING all interaction. If he thinks we can work on things and be "best friends" while he acts like I do not exist to the rest of his little circle, he can kiss my rear!!
Now to my other side as well...There is one guy that I am excited to hang out with. I have written off most of the other guys as just friends. Dinner date guy is up in the air for me still.
Anyways, this is the guy I met at the concert. He is very cute. Hot even. So, that makes me a little nervous after AK. We'll have to see if he really is as sweet and down to earth as he seems or if he has girls falling all over him like someone else we know. They both are in the same profession. Red flag. This new one has shared that he has been single for a year, and that he HATES being single and dating around. He said that trust and honesty are his two biggies. I am guessing he was cheated on as well?? We are getting together later this week and I am excited to see if this is just chemistry or maybe the guy that is good enough to help me turn my back on AK for good??
If the truth were to be told, I wish daily for some miracle of god. I wish He would give me back the man I fell in love with. I wish AK could be well again and I wish all this BS would go away so we could just live happily ever after. I see lots of people getting married, buying houses, having kids...why the hell can't we??
Limbo sucks.

Something to think about: “Is being faithful consigned to the limbo of the forgotten- along with good English and good manners?"

For the Ladies

Thought this might lighten the mood around here for just one day. Not typically a male basher, but some of these made me smile!! I don't think any guys read this, but I am sure they could take it in stride!! Enjoy!!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Ohio State University."
And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says,"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.
"The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!Gotta love that fairy!

Dear Lord,I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Quote on Humor: “Good humor is the health of the soul, sadness its poison”

Means to an End

Sometimes I wonder if all of this is just a means to an end.
Did all this BS happen to make me (and of course AK) become better people, to force us to fix ourselves so we could come back around and truely make it together??
Did I go through all this so I could find the guy I am going to marry...that NOT being AK??
We have not let go yet. Our connection is unlike anything I have seen before. That being said, not so strong that AK would not stray. Contradiction I know. Regardless, AK is freaking a bit about me dating. Kinda feels good to know it does bother him, kinda sucks to know both of us are hurting. Mostly it is confusing to me. Why do you care if you can so easily cheat. That is SOOO not love. I thought at first it was an ego thing, but I can tell this genuinely is bothering him. He has not been able to put feelings with the image of me with someone else because for so many years, I never even looked at other guys. Now that he has seen it, he is starting to get a glimpse of what this is really all about. I am glad it stings...let's me know he does still have feelings. Not just for me, but in general.

Monday Quote: “He who chooses the beginning of the road chooses the place it leads to. It is the means that determines the end.”

Once Upon A Time...

There was this guy who loved this girl so much you could see his eyes sparkle when he looked at her or talked about her.
Can you tell me when those eyes turned so cold and when exactly they started looking around and when they learned how to hide truths and flat out lie to mine???

"Life Lives, Life Dies, Life Laughs, Life Cries. Life Gives Up and Life Tries. But Life looks different through everyone's eyes."

Crazy Cat Lady

So, I have visions of being old and alone with my two cats. You know...a crazy cat lady.
I had the dinner date guy over last night, and just as we popped in a movie, I start to notice that Mackenzie (my boy cat) is not well. Now, I knew that something was up earlier in the day, and have been commenting to people that know him, that he has been acting really needy for about two weeks. Last night during said date it all came to a head. My poor little guy wanted to be right next to me but did not want me to touch him. He puked. He had a glazed over eyes, I-am-in-bigtime-pain look on his face and he could not get comfortable. Then he started peeing...like a snail...leaving a trail everywhere he went...very strange as he NEVER EVER goes outside of the box. I knew he was ILL.
So today I drop $200 to find out he has some crystal formations blocking him up...just great.
All I really care about is that he is not going to die. That would really be the cherry on top of the shit sundae that has been served up this year.
A few months back when all this stuff started with AK and I, Bella (my girl cat) lost a lot of her hair. That was from the stress of AK being gone. She favors him, and if it were not for Mack and my huge attachment to her, I would give her to him, because she loves him madly. She RUNS to the door when he comes over. She lounges on or near him every chance she gets. She must have had a mini breakdown during that month that I did not talk to him because sure enough she had no hair down her back. Yes, we have successfully messed up the kids, and I have dropped an additional $300 total between the two of them.
Thank god we do not have children.

Cat Quote: “When I play with my cat, who knows whether she is not amusing herself with me more than I with her.”

You said you would love me until you died.

Well, as far as I know you're still alive.
Way to go...now our relationship as I believed it to be is now dead.
I am moving on. I find myself needing to call you and see you less and less.
Will I ever be over you 100%...not sure. I am guessing no. I do believe I will find real love with someone other than you now. Every time I have fun with another guy a little piece of me let's go of you. I am fighting against feelings of resentment even. I have no use for feeling bitter or p.o'd at you, but it is hard to not fully notice how much you neglected me now. Things sure are blurry when you are in the middle of a situation. I plan on keeping the lenses clean this next time around...I have a feeling from what I have seen, that I will not need to worry about 1/100000th of the crap I needed to be aware of with you!!
I'll be fine...Don't bother with your backpeddling and concern now. I will not die of deception. You on the other hand, you just might die alone and lonely if you keep up this "new" you...just like your father. Probably thinking about how much you still love me and regretting your poor choices...just like your father did with the love of his life. So maybe you were right...you will love me until you die...you just won't be faithful!!!!!

I’m trying to die correctly, but it’s very difficult, you know. (Lawrence Durrell)

Resting In Gods Arms

I have been given the Privilege of Honoring

Nereida DeJesus.

This picture was forwarded to me by Roxanne Perez. She is the mother of Mike the father of Nereida's daughter Lauren. They were taken by Efrain De La Cruz (Major,US ARMY) who lost his sister Lillian Caceres on 9/11. He attended and took this photo at ground zero on 9/11/02. He was thoughtful and generous to share them with the family and now with us!

Please visit the Quilt Memorial Project at www.unitedinmemory.net

For Nereida De Jesus, life equaled Lauren. Lauren was her daughter, a bubbly 7-year-old whom Ms. De Jesus, 30, was raising alone in Woodlawn in the Bronx. Mother and daughter would do everything together (get their hair done, go to movies, take bubble baths).

Ms. De Jesus' new job as a claims adjuster at Aon Insurance, which she started only a few months before Sept. 11, enabled her to send Lauren to a private Catholic school. When Ms. De Jesus was not working or taking care of Lauren, she could usually be found at church, either at her sister's missionary church in Dover, N.J., or at a church near her home.

Ms. De Jesus, said her sister, Elaine De Jesus, wanted to be like her own mother, who had raised three children alone on the Lower East Side (when that neighborhood was one of the worst in the city) and somehow had them all turn out fine. "Her job was helping her accomplish the plans that she had," Elaine De Jesus said. "She was proud."

Legacy.com has beautiful comments posted by the friends and family of Nereida. I was moved to tears reading them. I did not have the pleasure of meeting Nereida, but I am so glad we were brought together through this 2996 Tribute. Funny how God works. I think about 9/11 every year a bit, but mostly I move through the day with ease. This year, since having made this "connection" with Nereida, I have been struggling a bit. I guess this is what I needed to make the whole thing "real" on a deeper level. I have been thinking of her while watching the news coverage, the documentaries, while at the movies...and I am especially thinking of her and her family today.

What a beautiful wonderful person. She was just one year younger than I am now when she went to be with God. That hits home. I hope anyone reading this understands there is no way I could possibly do justice to the life of Nereida, but rather takes comfort that there is just one more person out there that will help to keep her memory alive ~ even if in just this small way.

I will remember her not just today, or this anniversary, but from now on...my prayers will always include the DeJesus and Perez families! God bless you and keep you safe.

Please see a tribute from that day set to music by Enya.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhCoD94YDAg

I encourage you to visit http://www.dcroe.com/2996/ and take a moment to remember the victims of September 11, 2001.

Some information was taken from excerpts from The New York Times, November 24, 2001.

Please always keep Nereida, her family and all the people affected by 9/11/2001 in your thoughts and prayers...and NEVER EVER FORGET.