I am...I said.

Two words. Super Diamond.
They are the psuedo famous Neil Diamond cover band that I went to see this evening with a bunch of people. I HAD A BLAST. I mean, SOOOOO much fun. My favorite is "I am...I said". Not sure why...just is. Regardless, the band sounded JUST like him and the House of Blues was jam packed. We grabbed a cab and headed over to someone's penthouse condo party after that. More fun. One of my best night's out. I introduced myself to some extremely attractive guy at the concert fully expecting to be shot down...he laughed with me as I sang some of the lyrics and then gave me his number. Hey, what do I have to lose??
I called AK when I got home. I cried and raised my voice and HEALED just a bit more. I have been so gracious through ALL of this BS...WHY??? He is a lying, cheating, deceitful, egotistical sex addict...and ALL of those are FACTS. In this moment I do not want to continue any communication. I hope I feel the same tomorrow. What a JERK. I know you are not suppossed to say nasty things, but in this moment : I wish I never met him. WHY would I be glad to have?? To have set my progress in life so far back?? I already was a caring, loving person before him...if anything I am now more guarded and not so nice.
Whatever. "I am...I said"

“After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.”....So true!!

Uppers!

In an effort to turn around my ohsopleasant mindset, I am compiling a list of things to be grateful for TODAY!!! Here goes:

1.) My cats Mackenzie and Isabella. I think animals can sense when you are sick physically or otherwise. Mine have been rallying around me. Tonight I woke up to both of them cuddling me in bed. That is becoming the norm now and it makes sleeping alone just a little more bearable!!

2.) Family. My brother is out in Utah, but emails and calls to tell me he loves me and to make sure we stay close. My mom and dad drive me nuts in a major working-on-it-in-therapy kinda way, but I notice all the effort they put forth to call to make sure I am coping well. I appreciate that they all are here for me when the cards are down.

3.) Friends. The kind that worry about me like I am their sister. From constantly keeping their eyes peeled for some quality man for me :) (God love 'em), to including me in most everything even though I am the third wheel on a regular basis now!! I am an honorary member of many of my friends new young families that have small children and am considered "aunt map"...breaks my heart and warms it at the same time.

4.) Blogger. I messed up my first template, and I had no idea how to fix it. So, I moved to Beta and chose a new template and now all is well. Thank the blogger gods. I have to add my memorial name though, and that is when it all went downhill for me last time...cross your fingers. Oh, and I cannot comment to people who have not switched...everyone switch quick!!

5.) The weather. Seriously I love spring and autumn!! No sweat running down your back, no need to break the bank on A/C. (Heat is covered at my apartment so I can keep it as toasty as I would like!!) I love roaring fireplaces, big soft sweaters, hats mittens and scarves that match/coordinate!! Pumpkin picking, long walks to see the leaves turning, hot tea....etc.

6.) Health. I am well able to do most anything. I am lucky/blessed beyond compare. My family is primarily the same. I recognize what a joy that is. There are SO MANY people that are not currently able to say that.

7.) Money. This one is a gray area. I am grateful that I can pay my bills ~ that I do not have many bills! I am not in the financial position I would like and am actively working on that!! Funny what happens when you focus on nothing but a guy...your career sucks. In the future I would like to invest and secure savings in other avenues.

8.) That I continue to learn and grow. There was a period of time over the last few YEARS where I could not really say that. I was ONLY focused on caring for AK's ailing father and my bumpy relationship with AK. Now I find myself learning all of the time. A few recent examples: Like this blog adventure. I am clueless, but I am slowly learning!! Like learning to let go and that other guys/people find value in me. Like the fact that I am pretty cool just the way I am.

This one is perfectly perfect!! "Good cheer is more than faith in the future, it is gratitude for the past and joy in the present”

Infinite Sadness

Currently my "theme song" is playing over and over and over in my head. I have the CD on rapid repeat as well. "If you're goin' through hell keep on going~Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it..."
So, last night I had a truly cool second date. He came over to cook me an AMAZING dinner. Amazing because the guy made his own dressing and sauteed the croutons for the salad! Amazing because he added fresh chopped garlic in with the fresh green beans. Amazing because the salmon and gnocci tasted AWESOME. I found myself staring at this "guys guy"...I just looked at him while he COOKED ME DINNER at my place. I just took it all in. We both are very comfortable around each other. That surprises me. We laughed and talked and played with the XM radio online in between stirring and then after dessert. We downed 2.5 bottles of wine between 6-midnight. He kissed me...and not just on his way out the door. He was very sweet and several times throughout the night just stopped and looked at me to say "That was cute." or "I just think you're cute." It was nice to be appreciated and for someone to compliment me. It was nice to have FUN without someone snapping at me, or telling me to "hurry up" or without them being annoyed by god knows what. I had a good time. "But the good news is there's angels everywhere out on the street! Holdin' out a hand to pull you back up on your feet..."

THEN it hit me. We were SOOOO comfortable that suddenly I threw on the breaks in my head. Whoa there...THIS is like a relationship...and I have marathon dating to do still...and healing...and you left the toilet seat up (who DOES that?)...and...and...and you are NOT AK.
I just sat up, and went over to the computer and acted like I was reading the FREAKING NEWS. Really I was trying to steady myself. He got the hint. He came over and looked at me for a minute, gave me a really great hug and kiss and then said he was leaving.

He left and I felt like I was spinning. I could not sleep and my stomach felt ill. (spin) I just wanted to call AK and act like this dumb date never happened. (spin) I wanted him to hold me and to tell me that all this was a FREAKING NIGHTMARE and to wake up. (spin) Then I started to think about the fact that he did this stuff with other women (3 that I know of). That he could then come home to me and act like all was well. That he gave this to them WHILE he was with ME. (spin spin spin). I went to bed and felt an empty feeling that I never remember feeling ever. (spinning stops) We have crossed into new territory. I have kissed another man after YEARS and it has changed everything. I am overtaken by a very deep sick sadness that is in my soul. I have to let go for real now. AK and I did not talk today. He did not call or come over and I did not reach out. Very strange. I couldn't help but imagine that he stopped by and overheard us and left, or drove by and saw the car in his parking space, that he put it all together and that is why he did not call??!!

Yesterday before the date AK called me to tell me that he had a work dinner from 6-10 so "don't worry if you call me and I cannot answer, that is why. Oh, and I love you" I thought about him saying that last night while I lay in bed. He thinks about my feelings when I let go of his. Go figure.
I am typing away right now, but there is a quiet about me inside that is creeping me out. I feel calm or numb or SAD. I feel like not talking.
The telephone was ringing bright and early with all the girls who are dying for me to move past AK and into a great new life with someone new. Naturally they wanted the news...they wanted to know if we kissed as they all know that is a huge mile marker for me. Some calls I let pass, others I just gave a two second synopsis so I could get off the phone.
I spent most of the day fighting back tears and as I write this they are stinging my eyes now. Some people say it is not NATURAL to be monogomous. I say it is not natural to NOT BE. I must have been a dove in another life. One life...One love. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers while I work through this. I know there is world hunger and Cancer and MANY much more serious issues that plague people, but right now...for ME...this broken heart feels like all of those combined.

I will see this dinner date guy again tomorrow out with friends. I am going to take a deep breath and try again to hang out and have fun.
Who knew you had to TRY to have fun??? Practice makes perfect I have heard.
"When you're goin' through hell, keep on movin' ~ Face that fire, walk right through it ~You might get out before the devil even knows you're there!"

Quote: “Do not watch the petals fall from the rose with sadness, know that, like life, things sometimes must fade, before they can bloom again.”

Crikey!!

What a way to go. At least he was doing what he loves when he passed. I think he went to Animal Heaven to care for all the critters that have gone to the other side.
Hey, Steve, if you can hear me, say hi to Tippy my very first dog. Tell her I love and miss her.
That's all I have to say about that.

I like the quote today. Very fitting!!“Seeing death as the end of life is like seeing the horizon as the end of the ocean.”

Cleansing of the Soul

There is something very freeing about cleaning. Today I scrubbed every inch possible of my two bedroom suite. I still need to scour down the oven, but other than that this place is sparkling. I did laundry and purged everything possible from tons of old clothing to worn out pots and pans. There is some correlation between clutter and the way you feel. My place is not filled with junk, but I have a lot of stuff that I save for whenever I may need it (which never comes), I felt relieved to get rid of it all. Less to care for…less wasted time organizing…more space. I believe the way your closets and living area look is a reflection of how your life is going. So, right now my space is looking pretty clean. I have made room for the NEW…the old is now gone. It feels good. I may try to expand this into every aspect of my life. Happy Labor Day everyone…hope you are enjoying life…it is so short!!

Words to think about: "Don't call the world dirty because you forgot to clean your glasses!!"

If you're going through Hell

So, Rodney Atkins has that new song out called "If you're going through Hell". Freaking Brilliant Lyrics. I am officially making this my new theme song to be sang when P.O.'d, sad, annoyed, WHATEVER. I even ran out today to get the CD, and I hate buying those things!! I thought I should make an exception with the new theme song being on there and all. Bonus that Mr. Atkins is hot. I am officially making him my stand in boyfriend until I get a real one. It's kinda nice to just declare something to be the way you decide!! Wouldn't it be clever if things actually worked that way?

Here are a few lines for those of you that have not heard the song!!
Well you know those times when you feel like~There's a sign there on your back~That says I don't mind if you kick me, seems like everybody has~Things go from bad to worse~You think it can't get worse than that~And then they DO~You step off the straight and narrow~And you don't know where you are~Used the needle of your compass, to sew up your broken heart~Ask directions from a genie in a bottle of jim beam~And she lies to you~That's when you learn the truth~If you're goin' through hell~ keep on going~Don't slow down~ if you're scared don't show it~You might get out before the devil even knows you're there!!

Singles Scene Update:
Date #1 was rescheduled for Wed. This one is too cute with the ideas for hanging out. He is cooking me dinner at my place and "handling" all the arrangements. Ummm, let me think for a moment....YEEEEAH, AK never once felt the need to purchase ingredients to plan and cook a meal for me. I do not count warming up leftovers or opening a can of soup. All he eats now is a protein shake for dinner anyways...I guess he has made me one of those!! This new one must actually think I can afford to eat some food that you chew!! This one has possible potential.

Date #2 was interesting. To be generous he is just not "the one". We were set up by acquaintances...never again. I am glad I am meeting new people, but before I downed my first cocktail, he told me a story about a guy that "shit his pants" literally. I AM SERIOUS. So, I have been out of this dating game for awhile, but I am guessing on a first date most people like to get to know each other and that stories about people shitting themselves might be reserved for a later date. He was attractive, but he had small hands. I simply do not want small hands all over this body....ewww. Imagine my thoughts when he said "So, do you want to do this again sometime soon?" UGH that would be a NO.

Date#3 I asked for a rain check. I kinda feel bad. I just could not head back out into the abyss again tonight after the shit talker. I need some recovery time inbetween these little adventures in dating. Marathon dating will be revisited in the future once a little more healing has taken place. I am just not ready to be a serial dater.


Tonight's quote: “Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries and Dating.”

The Secret

So about a month ago my brother gives me a DVD as a gift. He had been talking about it for quite some time and finally he bought me a copy. It is called "The Secret". I was totally resistant to the entire concept. He insisted that it would "change" my life.

Well, I hate to say it, but there may be some truth to this little DVD. I watch it as often as possible now...everyday when I can. It is A LOT to grasp. It keeps your attention and EACH time makes me believe that my entire LIFE can be amazing...even after all the adversity that I have faced in the last few years. I should tell you that I am very strong willed...not easily swayed by ANYTHING. Let me give you an example...I have never even tried drugs including pot (even once) and still hung out with the cool kids and everyone inbetween! I say this because I can already hear the groaning from fellow readers...not another self help/inspirational dvd to try to brainwash us!!!!!! NO. This is like nothing I have ever read (and I read a lot). I am religious, but it is not anti or pro religion, so no worries there. I have NO ties to this program at all, and I thought long and hard about posting about it because it costs $5 for the online viewing or $30 for the DVD and I do not want anyone to think I am sharing this because I get paid or something. Again, I do not know anyone affiliated (including myself) with this company. This will be the first and last time I suggest anything having to do with money. I truly hope that each and every one of you checks this out. If even one of you watchs it and are open to discussion I would be THRILLED. I truly hope everyone that reads this at least watchs the $5 online version...It is worth so much more than a big mac meal. Please let me know what you take away from it if you do view it. AMAZING.
The website is www.thesecret.tv

Todays good word: “He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.”

I'm workin my way back...

Just got in from an 8 mile run!!!!!
Feels so good to be back up to that.
I am looking and feeling a bit healthier.
Every day I am striving for better...
I have to...
It is either choose depression and misery, or choose a life of health and happiness...
Ugh, I'll take the happiness thanks.

“In general, any form of exercise, if pursued continuously, will help train us in perseverance. Long-distance running is particularly good training in perseverance.”
Words of wisdom from Mao Tse-Tung (say that five times fast!)

Can you hear me NOW

*This is really directed at AK, but also a much needed vent*

Well, push hard enough and eventually I will push back.
Tomorrow I have a second date (first was last weekend). Friday I have a date with a different guy. Sunday, rinse and repeat...yet another man. THREE dates this week. Two last week(on the same day). I have been loyal for EIGHT LONG YEARS...If you want to be single, then so can I. I know you think you are so freaking good looking that YOU are the only desirable one in this relationship.
I know you think I will NEVER move on... as a matter of fact you have told me so Mr. Confident. Can you hear me NOW???

Todays quote is "Listen to your intuition. It will tell you everything you need to know."

Fine line

I struggle with what is right and/or good sometimes. Do I harm or help myself by doing or not doing one thing or another?? AK really f'd me over in every possible way. We talk daily and we see each other all of the time. I am in such pain when we do not have contact. I have no idea what is truly the best solution. Would I benefit from not talking to AK?? It does not feel that way, but I do not know where this is going. We are not together, but not 100% apart. I cannot move on. He could...not without confusion and wavering, but he can and will do so unless I make this end one way or another. Why is he so dense?? He is truly altering our futures and wasting so much time...so much of our lives. How do you stop loving someone...I mean when you REALLY truly have given your heart 110%. I have NO IDEA how to do that...I am not wired that way. God help me. I just want to relax and be happy with the man I love...AK.

The very thought behind this quote has kept me loyal and in love with AK all these years. It is what keeps me here now...
“The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost.”