The Secret

So about a month ago my brother gives me a DVD as a gift. He had been talking about it for quite some time and finally he bought me a copy. It is called "The Secret". I was totally resistant to the entire concept. He insisted that it would "change" my life.

Well, I hate to say it, but there may be some truth to this little DVD. I watch it as often as possible now...everyday when I can. It is A LOT to grasp. It keeps your attention and EACH time makes me believe that my entire LIFE can be amazing...even after all the adversity that I have faced in the last few years. I should tell you that I am very strong willed...not easily swayed by ANYTHING. Let me give you an example...I have never even tried drugs including pot (even once) and still hung out with the cool kids and everyone inbetween! I say this because I can already hear the groaning from fellow readers...not another self help/inspirational dvd to try to brainwash us!!!!!! NO. This is like nothing I have ever read (and I read a lot). I am religious, but it is not anti or pro religion, so no worries there. I have NO ties to this program at all, and I thought long and hard about posting about it because it costs $5 for the online viewing or $30 for the DVD and I do not want anyone to think I am sharing this because I get paid or something. Again, I do not know anyone affiliated (including myself) with this company. This will be the first and last time I suggest anything having to do with money. I truly hope that each and every one of you checks this out. If even one of you watchs it and are open to discussion I would be THRILLED. I truly hope everyone that reads this at least watchs the $5 online version...It is worth so much more than a big mac meal. Please let me know what you take away from it if you do view it. AMAZING.
The website is www.thesecret.tv

Todays good word: “He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.”

I'm workin my way back...

Just got in from an 8 mile run!!!!!
Feels so good to be back up to that.
I am looking and feeling a bit healthier.
Every day I am striving for better...
I have to...
It is either choose depression and misery, or choose a life of health and happiness...
Ugh, I'll take the happiness thanks.

“In general, any form of exercise, if pursued continuously, will help train us in perseverance. Long-distance running is particularly good training in perseverance.”
Words of wisdom from Mao Tse-Tung (say that five times fast!)

Can you hear me NOW

*This is really directed at AK, but also a much needed vent*

Well, push hard enough and eventually I will push back.
Tomorrow I have a second date (first was last weekend). Friday I have a date with a different guy. Sunday, rinse and repeat...yet another man. THREE dates this week. Two last week(on the same day). I have been loyal for EIGHT LONG YEARS...If you want to be single, then so can I. I know you think you are so freaking good looking that YOU are the only desirable one in this relationship.
I know you think I will NEVER move on... as a matter of fact you have told me so Mr. Confident. Can you hear me NOW???

Todays quote is "Listen to your intuition. It will tell you everything you need to know."

Fine line

I struggle with what is right and/or good sometimes. Do I harm or help myself by doing or not doing one thing or another?? AK really f'd me over in every possible way. We talk daily and we see each other all of the time. I am in such pain when we do not have contact. I have no idea what is truly the best solution. Would I benefit from not talking to AK?? It does not feel that way, but I do not know where this is going. We are not together, but not 100% apart. I cannot move on. He could...not without confusion and wavering, but he can and will do so unless I make this end one way or another. Why is he so dense?? He is truly altering our futures and wasting so much time...so much of our lives. How do you stop loving someone...I mean when you REALLY truly have given your heart 110%. I have NO IDEA how to do that...I am not wired that way. God help me. I just want to relax and be happy with the man I love...AK.

The very thought behind this quote has kept me loyal and in love with AK all these years. It is what keeps me here now...
“The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost.”

WTC 2006

I like to remember them this way!!!!!

Saw the movie last night.
I went in with no expectations. I would say I left appreciating the movie. I am glad I saw it, but am not sure it would be for anybody that was directly involved on that day. It makes you think back to where you were and what you were feeling and thinking in 2001. I think it is good to keep the events fresh in people's minds. Not to keep the pain going, instead so we may never forget and never take for granted our loved ones and LIFE in general. My heart still breaks for the people that perished and their friends and families that are left behind. I am not sure how I could go on if the love of my life were in those buildings or on one of the planes that day.
God rest all of their souls. I know they are in a better place; I just wish the route they took was more peaceful.

Simple words today: NEVER GIVE UP.

Words to live by.

A Quote I need to read once a day:
"Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that is certain to come. Never take yourself too seriously."

How to save a life...

Well, Friday. That means AK will hang out with friends all weekend. I will not see him unless it is during the day to go to the gym or some other random innocent thing. He reserves all the "fun" stuff for everyone else...even people he barely knows, as long as it is not me. You would think I was the one that cheated, lied, deceived etc. He'll be sure to call though!! What burns me most is that when he needs ANYTHING he turns to me...and when he wakes up to see what he has done...REALLY done to us he will regret every last word and action. I am simply too safe. I have proven to him that I will always be here, that no matter what he does, I will never abandon him. While he abandons me. What he does not understand is that this time I am 31...I do not have the time, and quite frankly am a bit wiser than I was earlier on in this relationship, and I am lonely and heartbroken and have been for far too long. I have tried and now I need to try for myself...I need to learn to let go once and for all. I will just keep going through the motions until the motions are the norm...me without him... The other side of this cannot be any worse than what I am going through now.

How to save a life
By The Fray...this song speaks volumes!!

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks ~ you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you ~ You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right ~ As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Quote: “Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”

A workout of the mind

Hysterical...I have been at this Blog thing for just a few days, and within the first two I completely mess up the template!! Only me. The title as you can tell is off in space and my memorial keeps jumping to the top of the page. The words to each blog have a mind of their own...when I preview, it looks beautiful. When I post...yuck.
So , I figure this is a sign that I need to become more computer literate. Read online or grab a book or two and figure this thing out. I have been surfing around looking at blog templates as well. Some of them are pretty cool...one thing at a time though. In general this is pretty exciting though...Distracting at the least. (Thank you CMHL for being my very first blog "friend"!!)

AK is being his normal confusing self. Last night we worked out together (his idea) and he actually was helpful. He tends to get annoyed or want to work out mostly by himself when we go to the gym together (God forbid the girls see me with him). Anyways, last night he really helped me and we pushed each other. It was so nice and NORMAL. After the gym he suggested we take a walk...Which was so relaxed and fun. The two of us talk our heads off when together.
As a couple we are so close on so many levels. I have always prided myself in the way we talk about politics, religion, family, finances, kids, style, LIFE etc. We have the same viewpoint on all of it. Amazing. Especially when I hear friends talk about the lack of communication in their lives. I cannot understand how someone can be so deep, but so completely shallow at the same time.
MOST of the reason we broke up is that he is so obsessed with appearances. SHALLOW with a capital S. When we first started dating (I was 23, he 21), I was a tiny toned thing. Through the years, I gained weight...About 30lbs. Mostly because I am a comfort eater. So every time I got upset over whatever antic he was pulling, I ate. I simultaneously stopped working out for the most part...enter weight gain. He refused to help me work out, which was crap, because it is one of his strengths and clearly now my weakness. So now that we are "over" he wants to help me tone up and lose weight as a way to say he is sorry for all the BS he put me through. Ironic that I am getting in shape and that he is helping me...now. I know one thing...I will never let myself go again. For soooo many reasons, but mainly because it is so much WORK to get back to the body you want!

Quote: "He sends a cross, but He also sends the strength to bear it!"

Sing this really loud when Sad.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gc20q3HTx4

I told the girl that you should treat her like a lady and
She told me all the things you did and it was shady, man
She said that what you say and what you do are different things
While you were telling me that you were checking out them blingy rings
She said she's had enough
Well, it sounds to me like you're straight out of luck
And she said she's all through...And life's not blowin' her kisses thanks to you

I wanna know, wanna know what you were thinkin'
I can't imagine why it didn't even sink in
They say you never know what you got till it's gone
I wanna know, wanna know what you were thinkin'
I can't imagine why it didn't even sink in
They say you never know what you got till it's gone

She said she's had enough
So, it sounds to me like your still out of love
And she said you weren't true...And life's not blowin' her kisses thanks to you
She said it's gonna be alright
Cause God made a way through the pain and he opened her eyes
And she said you came crawling back
But after what you did to her she wouldn't have any of that

Gone by Toby Mac...thanks for the great Song. I sing this at the top of my lungs every time I hear it in the car!!

Today's Quote:
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone should be!

The Heaven and Hell of Weddings

Glidden House. This picture does not do it justice...

Last night one of my very good friends tied the knot with her long time boyfriend. It was gorgeous all around...she looked divine and the reception was very Martha Stewart, who she idolizes so that only makes sense. The rain disipated by the time the reception took place and then the humidity set in...dinner was in a great tent out back, so we were affected by that a little bit. Dinner was awesome...steak, shrimp, salmon, and lots of sides...all very tasty and cooked just right!! I tried almost one of everything and I even had some of the cake...all things I could not do without being scorned in the past. So, one plus to being single...
I was flying solo last night, and that was not so fun. Weddings by their very nature are romantic. I thought a lot about all the times AK and I talked about getting married...I thought about our church and how I don't attend any longer. I missed him being silly on the dance floor with me especially when the other gals guys hit the floor...I wished he could see me on the floor letting go a bit with the other girls. I missed sharing this night in particular because we had talked many times about our close friends marrying and I always assumed we would witness these events together. I had to force myself out of my comfort zone to talk to people I barely knew, and that was both hard and freeing.
Last night while I was at the Glidden House, he was out and about with one of his friends. He thrives on attention from new people...that hurts so much. The whole thing just feels so wrong.
We had a big fight in between the wedding and the reception. He was annoyed that I was sad and wanting to talk about us breaking up and the fact that we are not married. I am having such a hard time swallowing that he does not love me enough....to date only me...to marry me. Hello big fat kick to the stomach ~ Goodbye what was left of my self esteem. I really need to find a way to make peace with this. I need to put action behind all of my thoughts and words and GET A NEW LIFE.

Quote of the day:
“Words and hearts should be handled with care for words when spoken and hearts when broken are the hardest things to repair.”