Three's...RIGHT????

Okay God. I'm trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Don't I have enough character already?? Haven't I "learned" enough???? At least bad things come in three's...RIGHT????
1.) Bad news from AK a week or so ago to kick the new year off well!!
2.) Our friend Mike is killed.
3.) Yesterday I get a call that my friend Kelley decided to take her own life by gun Jan.2nd.

She was in Chicago. Her two sisters had just celebrated New Year's with her and said she seemed great. She lived with her boyfriend there for just over 8 months and when he went out for something, he returned home to find her. She was truly a very beautiful young girl (my age...31) with great style, a good job, a great personality and her sense of humor was HILARIOUS!!! She REALLY did have her whole life ahead of her.

I missed the funeral. They did not know how to get in touch with me and clearly had other things on their minds than figuring it out!! On one hand I am glad. I could not have taken that funeral. AK and I tromped around just past dusk last night after we got the news searching for her grave. They gave us the lot number and section, but it was freezing rain, dark and muddy everywhere. I'm not sure if it was all of that or the tears but we did not find it. I just wanted to lay flowers there. I just wanted to talk out loud to her to tell her I am so sorry that she felt that much despair. I have a pain in my stomach that will not subside. I am going back today to find it in the light. God rest her soul and give her the peace that she clearly could not find here on earth. I am not going to be one of those people that believes that you do not go to heaven if you commit suicide. I think God takes you in his arms and hugs you, I think he forgives the act immediately to give your mind the rest and peace that you could not find here on earth...the God I believe in would never be so cruel as to send you to hell. It is obvious to him that you had already been there...here on earth.
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Last night to lighten the mood and to get our minds off of the news, we went to see a movie. In the first few scenes the father in the movie commits suicide by gun. How about that shit?? How's that for IRONIC?? Ha Freaking Ha universe.

I am going to the gym today. I have wasted enough time laying around depressed. I am so TIRED of hardships though. If this is what life is going to be like I am going to have to find a way to adapt and to find the sunshine through the clouds...cause in the words of Joss Stone "ain't nobody got no business stressin' all the time."

Take care each and every one of you and KNOW that no matter how sad things get in your life there are people that LOVE you and will be DEVASTATED by the loss of you. Just in case YOU don't know that, I am tellin' you now. Don't you doubt it. You just call or email me and I will remind you when things seem hopeless!! THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!!!!

In Loving Memory

My friend was laid to rest this weekend. Friday was the wake and Saturday was the funeral. I have never attended a military funeral and I hope to never again. It was a constant stream of tears and gut wrenching moments. There was barely a dry eye there and just the sight and sound of all the men crying tore my heart out. There were MANY sailors and their faces had tears streaming just like the rest of us. All of the soldiers that were participating in the ceremonies were red eyed and had HUGE frowns on their faces. His sister and his brothers carried the casket with his little boy helping in the front. One of his brothers is still in the military and seeing him carry his brothers casket knowing that he too was in harms way really hit home. One of the other brothers was SOBBING the entire time...he could barely walk, he kept grabbing the pews for support and I just felt like running up and hugging him. My eyes are welling up just from that memory!! His fiance wrote a funny and touching letter to be read inside the church. When it came time to read it to him she could not and her best friend stepped up took it from her and read it aloud. His parents seemed to be Okay until the guns sounded at the grave and his mother lost it...she started wailing and it was like it came from the depths of her soul. The entire crowd including the people firing the guns and holding the flags all started crying again!! One of the brothers started hitting the casket out of sheer grief when he went to place a flower on it and to say the final goodbye.
I was most shocked by the wake. Both AK and I were STUNNED and sickened by the condition of our friend. It was nearly two weeks until the body was returned and although we had talked about what that meant, nothing could prepare us for what we saw. I know that everyone wanted the chance to see him one last time, but the makeup and condition...it was not at all the way I would like to remember him and it is haunting me. I know it will fade, but it looked like some bad Hollywood piece for a horror movie!
After the funeral everyone headed to our friends favorite bar (scoundrels. HA.) and it was JUST what he would have wanted. Lots of food and drinks and a sense of family that reached out and embraced everyone of us...blood relative or not!! I hope that when I go you guys sit around laughing at all my silly mistakes and quirks, guy problems and opinionated comments!!
I know death is a fact of life. I know this to be true. I just pray to God that my family members, cats, and friends both here and in blog land live forever. I know it is selfish but that is what I am feeling today.

Hit me with it.

Advice people. I need it. Haha~We all know that, but this time I am outright asking for some opinions. DDG (Dinner date guy). I have been keeping him at bay for MONTHS now. Do I tell him about AK?? I mean, I told him I have an x and that it is sticky, and that I am trying to figure it out. He also knows AK cheated...not much more. I hang out with DDG about once every 2-3 weeks. I like who he is so far, but this is a touchy area I think.
I could be honest, which is my gut instinct and that is what I would want from him. BUT...I am new to this dating thing (if that is what you could call it with AK in the picture). Is it TMI to let him know the story?? Not every gory detail, but what is really happening??? Would you want to know if it were you??? HELP.

Just talking out loud

I was laying in bed last night next to AK thinking about...well, everything. One point that stuck in my head is that even IF he does get well, I refuse to associate with these women that he has befriended. Why the hell should I play nice with random strangers that think AK is the bees knees?? I don't care that he is now "friends" with them. I have never been the type to "make" someone give up friends, but I just don't jive with the situation and would not tolerate it. These women do not give a rats ass about me and for that matter AK. They just think he is hot and maybe even like his company, but come the tests of REAL friendship and not one of them is around. Not to mention that it is a constant reminder of the disrespect shown by AK. I AM NOT THE NEW ONE to this situation and it BURNS me when these "ladies" act like I am. That's a big F off with a capital F to all of them...including AK.
I need time to keep working this all out in my own mind, but this is just ONE MORE point that does not sit well with me...never has. This topic is toxic and I cannot seem to bend my point of view on it. I think that he should remain friends with these people and I should be the one to go...only ONE change as opposed to dozens. Funny thing is he will feel me leaving 100X worse than never speaking to those hookers again...but it will take just that for him to realize what is wrong with this picture.

A little laughter never hurt anyone!

Let's not talk about it.

Watch the OSU game last night???
Had the pleasure to see it all on my friend Natalie's big screen.
Let's not talk about it.

"Where are we going...

And why are we in this hand basket." That saying SO marks this phase of my life. I have promised MYSELF that this year will be one of accomplishment, not just "figuring things out"!!

Here's what life looks like at the Lost in Waste household(s)!!! This is what we are tackling finally. AK is getting a specialist now. We made calls on Friday and he will get in to a SAA group as well and attend EACH once a week.
This is a result of me finally putting my foot down...get help or take a long walk off a short pier. Happy New Year to me. Now I was very clear that if he wants to even be FRIENDS with me this all changes NOW and the minute it stops so does our acquaintance. If there is ANY hope of a marriage to come out of this is yet to be determined...we played by his rules for 8+ years...now it's my way or the highway and I am fing serious about it. I know I will get some people saying "He should want to do it for himself". Bullshit. He WANTS to be well...but people he is an ADDICT...just like a drug junkie. Think they want to shove needles in their arm??? NO. They want to numb the pain or avoid reality or whatever. AK's drug is SEX. He keeps trying and FAILS miserably every time!
For those of you that have never even heard of this or think it is a load of crap, I understand. So did I for a long time. I thought he was just a jackass. Now I know otherwise...he is a sad man that ACTS like a jackass and is a lost soul. Only now I am not going down with him. Below is some info from the Sex Addicts Anonymous site. I hope this helps you guys understand what is going on here. I don't know that I even want to be with AK at the end of this. I do love him and to me love means thick and thin. He NEEDS help. I will be there. Beyond that...Blurry, gray and not looking so hot for us. I hope this info is insightful...Sex addiction is not talked about very often...and when it is, t.v. portrays it as FUNNY. This is about the least funny a person can get.
I know I cannot SAVE him, but I will be there to encourage and help in any way possible as long as HE is giving 100%. There will undoubtedly be bumps in the road...we'll cross that when we get there. If he wants me around at all, the bullshit stops though.
His mother has forbid him to enter her house until he is in treatment and is actually on his way (at least) to changing his self destructive and disrespectful ways. Breaks my heart but I am so glad. I sure hope this is rock bottom...if not rock bottom will be when I toss him out of my life 110% ill or not!! *sigh*
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What is Sexual Addiction?
Sex Addiction can involve a wide variety of practices. Sometimes an addict has trouble with just one unwanted behavior, sometimes with many. A large number of sex addicts say their unhealthy use of sex has been a progressive process. It may have started with an addiction to masturbation, pornography (either printed or electronic), or a relationship, but over the years progressed to increasingly dangerous behaviors.
The essence of all addiction is the addicts' experience of powerlessness over a compulsive behavior, resulting in their lives becoming unmanageable. The addict is out of control and experiences tremendous shame, pain and self-loathing. The addict may wish to stop --- yet repeatedly fails to do so. The unmanageability of addicts' lives can be seen in the consequences they suffer: losing relationships, difficulties with work, arrests, financial troubles, a loss of interest in things not sexual, low self-esteem and despair.
Sexual preoccupation takes up tremendous amounts of energy. As this increases for the sex addict, a pattern of behavior (or rituals) follows, which usually leads to acting out (for some it is flirting, searching the net for pornography, or driving to the park.) When the acting out happens, there is a denial of feelings usually followed by despair and shame or a feeling of hopelessness and confusion.

Tribute

I have a new experience happening here with my blog. I have so much I want to write, but do not want the people in my life to find this outlet. They are all online searching daily for info, so that could be a real possibility if I write some key words. SOOO, I will try to tell you the basics and let you guys search online for the article if you are interested. I hope it is not too vague.

On Friday AK and I received news that one of our very close friends in the military (the kind with the boats...the kind that go underwater) was swept overboard with three other men. He (and another) did not survive. They were in the English channel.
It has been an eye opening experience. We have been with the family daily and they are a tight nit group, so they will be fine...as fine as you can be. The funeral will be hard. They don't even know for SURE when the body will arrive. I guess that is how the military works. We are cooking for them and keeping them surrounded with people per their request, but man does this tug on your heartstrings. He was finished for good in April. He has a 7yr old little guy that carries around a teddy bear his dad programmed his voice into. He keeps squeezing it to hear his fathers voice. He tells everyone that stops by or that he sees or talks to on the phone that "My dad is a hero." Damn right kyle. Damn right.

PLEASE keep him and his family and the family of the other soldier from Kentucky in your prayers.

Tribute.

...In with the new

Happy New Years to All of you.
I know 2007 will be a much better happier time for all of us!
I wish you nothing but peace, love, health and happiness.

My goals for 2007.

1.) Real Estate License. I have taken the classes...I need to take the exams!!
2.) Grow my company by one new account a month.
3.) Lose needed weight and get in the best physical shape/balance of my life. (Develop a healthy self image.)
4.) Make peace and let go of everything that has happened with AK. (Let go of the past.)
5.) Decide one way or another what our relationship fate is...and STICK TO IT!!
6.) Try one new thing a month...sport, hobby, volunteer project etc. (Enlarge my vision.)

I may be adding to this list as I remember things that need to be accomplished!!!
What about you?? Making goals for 2007???

Oh and wherever you drink, be safe...please do not drive. The stats on that are horrific so no calling me a mom for saying that!!

By Request

I have a request from one of my favorite bloggers to get more scoop on dinner date guy. I fear you may be disappointed, but I will tell you what I can.

Dinner date guy!! I don't think I have really talked TOO much about him...at least not the full picture. I met him on Match.com. Can you believe that?? I still laugh that I went through that phase. Hey it works!! I had some great dates and met some cool people. If nothing else it was an ego boost that I sorely needed when I was cheated on!!

ANYWAYS...he was witty and our emails were constantly entertaining and I found myself waiting for his responses! SO, I met him out on a Saturday afternoon this past summer. I had another date lined up for that night, so I planned on just meeting up with him for a bit (it probably would suck) and I would chalk it up and recover with my evening date!! Well we had a BLAST. We went from patio bar to patio bar and the only reason that we parted at all was because I had that dang evening date!! HA!

He then asked if he could cook me dinner at my place! BOLD. I was shocked...so early on, I hadn't even kissed the guy. Remember we had been emailing forever though, so it felt like we had known each other for a very long time. He cooked me the best dinner and was SO stinkin' cute doing it that I was a tad smitten!! He cooked Salmon and fresh green beans and gnocchi and it tasted fantastic. Needless to say, he stayed pretty late and we had a totally enjoyable time playing with the XM radio online and downing a couple bottles of wine...and kissing!!! THAT is where he got that little nickname from!

Then reality smacked me upside the head that AK was going to FREAK OUT if he found out...so I told him the basics...and he was surprisingly cool until he SAW DDG walking up to my place. THEN he freaked...knocked on the door even...texting me like a mad man and flat out making it a point to let me know what he thought of the situation. WELL, even though it shouldn't it bothers me. So, I have been holding DDG at arms length. I see him about every two weeks. He has now resorted to flat out telling me that he likes me. He is ready to move forward. I have been honest in telling him that I need to get myself straight. He has been cool about it, but honestly it is not fair to him or to me. AK is still very much in the picture. I just like the way DDG treats me. He looks at me with those eyes...the eyes that have not been tarnished with HISTORY...he plays with my hair without even thinking about it...he kisses my forehead and puts his hand on the small of my back when we are walking. He opens doors, he remembers everything I say, he calls when he says and he DOES NOT LOOK AT OR TALK ABOUT other women in my presence!!!! He thinks about me...you can tell by the way he acts and talks. He even sent me a picture of the fans rushing the field the second OSU won the big game against MI. WHO DOES THAT?? Most guys are yelling, drinking, high fiving...or RUSHING the field. HE sends me a photo!!

There is a shallow part of me. He is not exactly like AK...as I understand that NOBODY will be. But I am used to a guy that goes to the gym every day. (I am also used to that guy that goes to the gym everyday looking at every female thing that walks!!) SO, what is more important?? The more time I spend with DDG the more attracted to him I am. Weird I know!! I am NOT telling AK about DDG at all anymore. I just do not want to fight when there is NO commitment between us and he is befriending other women that I do not know.
This whole scene is a mess. I will be so glad when I am resting soundly in ONE mans arms...one that loves only me and vice versa.