Very Fitting Title

So, I have been MIA for a few days and before that not writing much about relationship issues.
Recently I have been reminded why I named this blog Lost in Waste. That is exactly what I feel like. Lost. Lost in the memories, lost in the confusion, lost lost lost. Lost in HOW this continues to happen. Lost in what I have ALLOWED my life to become. I have been functioning lately, but barely. I have been so unproductive. Sometimes not REALLY completing a single thing in an entire day. Then beating myself up for WASTING more of my life. I FORCE myself to get up and out the door now...even if to only get something to eat.
I am allowing myself to be depressed, but not letting anyone know that I am for the most part.
I am WASTING more time, I know. I injured my foot a few weeks back and kept running on it and kept working out because that is so important to me right now. Well, I think I may have hairline fractures now and I simply cannot workout, at least until after I see the doctor on Monday. That has been KEY to fighting back these foul moods, so it has been near impossible to combat this as of late.
When I get to really be in a funk, I feel Quiet inside, almost like an eerie calmness that is really deep inside me. That is where I am at. I am trying my damnedest to keep busy, to put on a smile, to fight through the day, but really I wish I could crumple up in a ball and cry or just get checked in somewhere so that I could just not have to exist in this hideous HARD day to day called life. Please don't read to much into this, I am in NO WAY a suicidal maniac, but I just feel so freaking tired of this stuff. WHY is it so hard to be HAPPY with me?? I don't want this to be my reality. I know I sound like a spoiled brat, but I do not deserve this. I am one of the ONLY people I have ever met that does not lie, cheat, nag, spend to much money, withhold sex, not like sex, live like a sloppy pig, ETC. ETC. yet I am one of the ONLY people I know that is not married or in a very serious relationship and/or has kids. I put in 110% into AK. I spent thousands upon thousands on him, I spent YEARS of my life, I invested ALL of my heart, soul, personality, existence into this LIFE with him. I deserve the payoff. I deserve the happy ever after. I was the one there when he was sick, sad, broke, immature, jobless, father dying, crazy mother, drugged out brother...keeping it all together. Doesn't that count for something?? I know countless married couples that don't help each other through that kind of uphill battle...especially if it takes years. I never flinched. Is this really WHY I did all that?? To be "best friends"??? If he says that one more time I swear to God I am going to dissolve into dust right on the spot. That is what it makes me feel like...nothing.
When we have "broken up" in the past...well, it is like we never really break up. It is like a vacation of sorts for him and a trip to hell for me. This is more serious, but along the same lines, and why shouldn't it be?? I set it up this way. We talk a few times a day, he comes over almost every day, we both question each other...but we are SINGLE. What a joke...on me. He is doing nothing wrong. He has told me that he wants to break up. I am a big girl, I know I can tell him to take a flying leap, but when the phone rings, I answer. When he asks to come over, I say of course. Then the weekend comes and he is MIA, out with the guys. He calls me when he gets home at 2:30-3, and I am again reminded how freaking sick this situation is. Not together, not apart. We have seen three movies together in the past week and a half for example. WHY does he ask me to go if he does not care?? Because I am convenient? He says I love you etc.
I am not a stupid woman. I just am sad. I just DON'T WANT this to be the truth. I want him to WAKE UP and to apologize, and to stop this yo-yo attitude, and I want to be calm and happy with him again. Why do I have to go through this?? I don't feel sorry for myself...I know that I should have faced this stuff and dealt with it a long time ago. I do feel tired of everyone just telling me that it will be okay, that I will find someone else, that he is a JERK. IKNOWIKNOWIKNOW. But it does NOT FEEL like it!!!!!!!! This is the ONE thing that I have wanted...why can't I have it?? What is most heartbreaking is that if I were to REALLY walk away tonight, it would be a matter of days, maybe weeks, before he would be ALL about making this work again. I just cannot take this. I have given away all of my power and I feel lost when I take it back. (When I don't see him or talk to him, I feel lost as well.) How am I the loser in this either way?? I wish there was anything that anyone could do.
Sorry for the hour long rant. I just needed to get it out.
I hope all is going well in your world(s), I have not really been up to reading lately!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnYsxQysN_0&mode=related&search

Happy Pumpkin Day!

These are a couple of my cutey nephews. That lions mane was just about as big

as the little guy and it totally cracked me up.

I am going to go out with Dinner Date Guy tonight to Mapleside. He has never been, so thought that might be very fitting for this evening. We may crack open a couple bottles of wine and pass out candy to the trick or treaters and with my best friend and her fiance afterwards! It is such a fun thing to do, I just wish I was doing it with you know who. I'll let ya know how it goes.

Well, Happy Halloween Everybody!

Any runners out there??

This is a really great site to map out your course route and to let ya know how much mileage you are logging. It takes a minute to figure out how to use it, but once you do...AWESOME!!

I have a slight foot injury, so that is bumming me out. I feel a bit like Forest Gump...when I am not in a good place, I just want to Run and Run and Run until it is out of my system. Here's hoping this dang foot heals soon so I can keep my spirits up!

*Anyone else feeling a little down today?? I am not super sad, just stuck and need to get moving forward again. It sure is harder than it sounds. I can't wait to be happy again.

High School Never Ends

So, I was alerted by some very "with it" women here in Blogland that one of the sites I read is a joke pretty much. They are on a smear campaign to let people know what is happening. Otherwise god only knows how many women would get wrapped up with this guy. I am very disappointed because I liked reading this guys page. He is married and was acting like he was single. He even contacted several ladies directly and later professed that he had feelings for them. This of course turns my stomach. WTF is WRONG with some people?? I have nothing invested in this person, but I find myself so guarded as it is. HOW do you trust ANYONE in this damn world?? No big loss for me, actually a much needed reminder to not be so trusting of people that have not earned it!
I am so glad for the people I am getting to know here and I understand that not everyone is a lying cheating rat. I would welcome a break from hearing how often people lie and deceive each other though. I am thinking about choosing one day of the week and making sure I post only positive stuff that day. A little break from the crap that will drag myself and everyone around me straight into the doldrums.

I seem to have a fetish for music...but this seemed so fitting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9uOM0voY3I

Ring The Alarm

This is what I am feelin' right now. It is on rapid repeat today as I clean my place!!
*Love the white dress/coat as a side note!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j980AUw5JC4

Funnies

Guess it is going around...Ha! That rooster has the right solution though!!

Trimming the claws...a bit.

The thing about dating a guy that is just plain HOT is that well, everyone else thinks he is hot also. Those super cute clothes I picked up for him (thinking how good he would look in them)...yeah, apparently others notice that he dresses better than most gay men and feel the need to tell him so... if not touch the item.


I never noticed if the men I dated were irritated by whatever attention I got when we went out. If they were we joked about it. Maybe because it's expected for a woman to be pretty and admired and that most men get a kick out of being with a girl who people gawk shamelessly at. The flipside, however, isn't that fantastic. I don't know if it's because men tend to be more respectful of women who are obviously taken, but I can tell you women practically shove me aside to chit-chat with AK. The hissing, claws-drawn look probably isn't me at my most attractive, and it has been the cause of COUNTLESS fights…I am SERIOUS when I say that the next time around I pick a great looking guy that isn't model material. Don't get me wrong, it is a nice feeling to have someone mention how good looking your man is, and I feel PROUD of that. But REALLY, the situation with all these women just BORES me now. It is really such a TURN OFF at this point, and it has been after let's say the first week of it. I WON'T be wasting my energy, thoughts and time on every disrespectful woman that crosses my path from now on. Why I ever did is such a joke!

Let me help ya out.

Dear Madonna,

I would think that with all that money you have, you would be surrounded with people that help you with your appearance. Clearly not. As repayment for supplying all of the lip syncing material for my slumber parties when I was 10, I will help you out for free!

Now I know there are more important things in the world...like adopting babies...too bad you had to go to Africa instead of looking in your own backyard at the kids that don't have ANY parents, but hey, at least you are doing it right?!

Anyways, let me help a girl out. Call my hair stylist at Charles Scott Salon here in Ohio. Ask for Lauren. I was just there, so I am confident that she can help you color in those roots there on the top of your head. She can even suggest and schedule a date for your return visit for basic upkeep. That is a surefire way to avoid such embarrassment while on a publicity tour. On your way feel free to swing by Victoria's Secret to pick up a bra or two. They make really comfortable kinds now...no more cone shapes (wait, that was only YOU that liked that style).
Your poor shirt appears to have been attacked by a rainbow colored fern while in Africa. (Maybe it ate your bra?? That could explain!) No worries. Next to the Secret you should be able to find an Ann Taylor or Black House White Market. They can suggest a cute little camisole or something!
You could call up your understudy Britney and make it a girl's day...she could use an image makeover as well after your stint as her mentor...you DID see her Matt Lauer interview right? (You were a close second with your interview today on Oprah don't worry!)
Stick your head in the sand when you pass the orphanages here in town. You should see Angelina Jolie and a few other celebrities down there to keep you company!
Sincerely,
Mack

My peeps.

So these lovely ladies are some of my very best friends. We do this little thing where once a month we rotate homes to host a girls night dinner party. We all decide in advance who is bringing what. This past weekend it was at my place. I made cream of pumpkin soup and served it up in hollowed out cooked mini pumpkins. It was a HUGE hit.

I decorated the table and had a box of Halloween wine charms for each of them as a little gift. (For the men in the group that may be wondering what the heck those are, they are little shaped trinkets that wrap or clip onto your wine glass stem to differentiate what glass belongs to who.) We also made and decorated caramel apples. This is one of our traditions now and it is always so fun.

I had the Jack-O-Lanterns going and they really all loved the carving job that AK did. He made a Grim reaper with a Sickle carved in the back of the pumpkin, so it shines up on the wall. We used a stencil, but it still was a really cool effect!!

It is a really neat story the way we all met up.

The girl with the dark hair and I became friends when she moved into my sleepy little town in the 8th grade. We soon figured out that we attended the same Kindergarten class years before in another city and thought it must be fate that we were brought back into each other's lives all those years later. She is the person I have been friends with the longest in this life.

Well, she and I took a ceramics class together some years back (we live very close to each other even though we moved out of that sleepy little town...another weird coincidence) and met the other two gals...they were there together. They knew each other from college. Our two little pairs seemed to click and we started hanging out and even taking other classes together...like cake decorating and belly dancing!!

Shortly after our dinner group formed and we have all been close friends since. We have done slumber parties and mother's day brunch for our girl's dinners. They always are a ton of fun. We make and eat so much food, it is amazing that we are not all fatties!! It really is nice to have this little event each month...something positive to look forward to.

The blond girl and I are constantly asked if we are sisters...I think we could be cousins from our looks. When people inquire I say yes and then ask who they think is the younger sis...She gets so pissed because I am two years older and most times they say me!! Silly little ego boost!! Now that I have my dark hair that should stop!!

Well, thought maybe you guys would like to see a sliver of the lighter side to my life.

Much ado about nothing.

Shattered is curious to learn 9 things about me...so here goes!!

1.) I hate smokers...
Well, not really the smokers themselves, but the fact that they smoke. I think when some say that drinking is the same thing they sound completely ignorant. I don't have to inhale someone else's drink...but secondhand smoke... I have NO IDEA why anyone would continue to do so after all the info that has been released on health related issues that occur because of smoking!! There is nothing more annoying than sitting next to a smoker at a restaurant or to leave a bar and be covered in smoke smell and residue.

2.) I am not good at hanging things on walls...
I have tried several times to learn, it is just not my forte.

3.) I was a Girl Scout...
And was totally into it. I went to G.S. summer camp at Camp Timberlane every year. Swim camp, Horse back riding, etc. I loved earning badges and going to the meetings and selling those dang cookies.

4.) I am a super picky eater/drinker...
Especially when it comes to onions and it's best fungus friend the Mushroom. I like peppers, but only raw, the cooked kind gross me out. Unless it is roasted red peppers IN things. Coconut...ewwww. This list is never ending. I have the palate of a child!

5.) Music heals me...
I think this is a little strange, but I relate to lyrics in songs and find myself listening to them until I get tired and move on to the next tune. There is some healing affect that singing/listening has on me!!

6.) I am a criminal...
Well, sort of. My record has been expunged. I was arrested 11 days before my 21st birthday on Spring Break for under age drinking. I sassed the cop. I asked him if he really thought I would be any more mature and able to handle my alcohol any better in 11 days. He said "clearly not". Then he took my mug shot. I was forced to either pay a $450 fine or do a day of community service. I had to paint a building being the poor college kid that I was. The officer watching over us that day favored me and told me to take breaks and sit in the shade for awhile or get something to drink often. He also let me do the trim...but only the low stuff!! The other juvenile delinquents were not so pleased about that. I still have the mug shot.

7.) I have OCD...
on some level for sure. I am a neat freak. I just hate clutter and dirt. So, I take about 10 minutes every day when I wake up to wipe down and organize my place. I vacuum once a day to combat cat hair (hey, I have two cats, that is a lot of hair). I do not like to shake people's hands because the stat's on people's hand washing skills (or lack thereof) freak me out. Oprah for instance did an undercover show on this and WELL over half of all people did not wash their hands after going to the bathroom. Think about all the guys getting off, wiping their butts, ETC. then shaking your hand. SO GROSS. I do not have a hand washing disorder like some people, but if at all possible, I will try to wash my hands before I eat or after I shake hands with someone.

8.) I have only taken one trip that involved an airplane...
we were poor growing up, so family trips involved piling into the car and driving around for a bit. I have not had the funds to travel anywhere really exciting, so long car trips are about it for me.
I was terrified when I did fly and honestly would be thrilled if I could visit the world without ever having to get on one of those again. That being said, I would love to skydive once!!

9.) I am the saver of all children and animals...
I did this online personality thing that claimed so and it has stuck with my friends and family.
I do have a way with kids and animals. I have been known to save several strays from danger...even if to just take them to the no kill shelter or to call animal control to help an injured animal of some sort. Kids, well, if teaching were more profitable I would be a preschool or kindergarten teacher for sure. I did teach preschool for a spell...I worried about the kids when I went home, and the children would get so attached to me that they would cry when the parents came to pick them up. It tore my heart out. I also felt badly because I think it hurt the parents feelings.

SO there you have it...a few useless facts about me.
I would love to hear some things about all of you, so tag you are it if you so choose...If not, next time I am naming names!!