I am Complicated.

Ok JQ...It's been awhile, I owe ya!

I am: not a fast runner, but enjoy it all the same.
I think: hell is really our time here on earth.
I know: how to cut to the core and love like no other.
I have: to find a way to move past this gut wrenching pain.
I wish: I could start over. I would give myself, my friends and family a break knowing all of it was just little stuff that would never have become big stuff if we had only known that.
I hate: drugs and how morally vacant most people are.
I miss: being held each night and waking up next to someone every morning.
I fear: I will never get rid of this loneliness inside me that I have felt my entire life.
I hear: people saying going to strip clubs when in a relationship is no big deal...and feel sorry that anyone has that little self respect for themselves and their relationship.
I smell: my burberry brit perfume....bliss!
I crave: security and contentment.
I search: my mind for answers that are not there!
I wonder: Why people push their Pro-life views in others faces...especially men. Turns my stomach.
I regret: believing I am never enough: Pretty enough, fit enough, wealthy enough...on and on.
I love: having my hair played with.
I ache: for abandoned children and animals and anyone that is truly lonely.
I am not: ok
I believe: in God but question a lot about religion.
I dance: rarely but dream of breaking out a fun surprise dance at my wedding (to my yet to be met hubby)!!
I sing: in the car and I sound terrible but do not care.
I cry: for others people's pain and happy tears for their success.
I fight: depression every day.
I win: the battle and lose the war.
I lose: perspective when I get emotional about how my relationship with AK really was.
I never: want to die before my husband...the one I don't have yet.
I always: try to think of other's feelings.
I confuse: what I want and what I need.
I listen: to my heart more than my head.
I can usually be found: working my tail off.
I am scared: that I will be alone forever.
I need: a vacation.
I am happy about: the fact that I have a job while so many are out of work.
I imagine: that I better get workin' on making my happiness.
Who's next?

2009...Here I come.

So I wonder how your new year is going?
Me?
I am sick. THAT is never fun.
I am excited though. I believe this is the year of change.
I have this spooky calm that has come over me...it is kinda nice.
I am over fighting the reality that I am alone...I am embracing it.
I am ready to put one foot in front of the other to move forward...
without dragging them waiting for the past to catch up. The past is
where he belongs...in the rearview mirror and fading fast!

Attitude adjustment

I have been taking a step back to think about your comments and thoughts.
You are right. I am a nice girl. I have a lot going for me. I treat people very well.
There is no reason for me to feel so unattractive and lonely all the time.
Often I think that my downfall has been being such a "good girl"...In my heart
I know it is the right thing and I would not be happy unless I was this way!!

SO...
I have decided to spend Thanksgiving relaxing and reading and I am going
to hop online to find a soup kitchen that needs help serving food or washing dishes!
That will make me see how blessed I am...in an up close and personal way!!

I also withdrew from school. I know that a big part of me being so flustered has
been that from morning until night I have been at school or work, sometimes
even skipping a meal or shower just to get a lil sleep!! I am most relieved.
I am going to make time for myself every day! Working out sounds like bliss...
and I cannot wait!!

I will also have a little time to enjoy my house!
I could go on and on with all the stuff I plan on doing!!
It is amazing how much you appreciate what is taken away from you!!

I am also okay with being single now. I am sure I will have rough days, but
honestly I am excited to not be thinking about anyone but me!!!
I did hang out with someone a couple of times and it is clearly not going to
work out (I will post about that at a later date...)! I could be bummed because
I really like him actually. Can you believe that?? I did not think it was possible!

AK and I are in a place now where we are friends again and it is okay.
I do not want to meet girls and vice versa for him, but for some reason
I am not okay with 100% gone and this is helping...for now!!
He has been a lil jealous, but only undertones and I laugh in his face!!

K, off to conquer my day!!
Hope you are doing the same!!

Back to the drawing board.

I am back because I need to be. I need some way to vent that does not include talking to all my friends and family or writing in a journal that stares at me on my nightstand!

I am just really blah. Not sad. Not depressed. Just a little like "REALLY?...this is it? this is my life?" I cannot believe that I am not married with kids by now. I am not even dating.!!
I am not a supermodel, but I am a cute girl...and stinkin' nice if I do say so myself!
I am fun, I am successful. WTF??

I spend every night alone unless I am at work. I never go out.
ALL of my friends are married with the exception of the girl that is getting married this New Year's Eve...and guess who is her maid of honor. YUP. Me. Fing me. The only one that is not hitched.

I dread the holidays this year. My first holiday season in my new house. ALONE.
Thanks AK. Oh, and you are out of town with your new girlfriend this weekend??
Oh, what's that?? You could NEVER go out of town with me while you wasted 10yrs
of my life. Oh, and have I told you lately that you effing SUCK. God you were a waste
of my life and have altered my life forever. Hope you have fun though while on your holiday!

I can tell I am crawling back into a place of solitude.
Not good since I have been alone pretty much every day for almost two years now!
I really hope that God knows what he is doing...right now I am thinking he wants me
to live and die alone. Which sucks too. Thanks God, great plan!

A rectangle does not fit into a hole!

It is great to see things with clear vision!!
It has been over a year, but I am finally starting to think and see and act in a healthy happy way that focuses mostly on ME for once!!!

I just finished my first year back to school...to finish my degree. It was one of the decisions I made once I realized that I could not count on a life with AK any longer!!!
I am so glad that I did it now!!!

I bought my house and a new car this year!!
I am eating very well and starting to see the changes that THAT brings!!!

I am so sorry that I tried for so long to make a rectangle fit into a hole!
I am sorry to myself. I am sorry for treating ME worse than I would anybody else.
I will be more careful with myself from this day forward!!

XO guys. Hope you are taking as good of care as you deserve!!

Well said.

Either you get bitter or you get better.



Sometimes I am both...workin' on better daily...with some minor setbacks!

Revelations

Wow. Just found out that an old flame of mine is expecting his first (planned) child.
Weird for me to hear only because we just emailed last week after yrs to say hello and to reminisce about old times...no mention. He is a vet and while reading his "business" blog today I very clearly read the news in the first paragraph.
I wish them well...I will no longer keep in touch with him now...even for a quick phone conversation or such as we do when too much time goes by. Wow.

I also am letting go of a lil crush that has been keeping me busy for the last few months...
He was engaged and called it off 8 months ago. We talked a lot about why and I know people waffle... but I read (today as well) on a work forum (that he told me about but has no clue that I read today), that he thinks that it may be the biggest mistake of his life and that he may call her... Regardless of other details...I instantly am shifting my focus...back to myself...where it clearly belongs.

Ugh. Just a little bit bummed. If I can recover after AK this will be cakewalk!!

Thank God.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Such an odd "holiday" really. Not that I am against it or anything...but really it is just a day for everyone to dress really stupid and get crazy smashed by breakfast and continue on like rockstars until the bars close at night.
I live very close to some really fantastic Irish pubs. I went for a couple of hours just to be social. It was kinda fun, but the too drunk people creep me out and I have a low tolerance for stupidity in bars so that is about all I could handle.

Hope your "holiday" was fun...
This is my musical obsession today.

Hard

Hmmm. I feel like life is hard...and ya know what...it is.
I thought when I was this age it would be easy...or at least easier.
I think I need sleep.
So I am going to bed. Tomorrow is another chance at peace.
'Nite.

Fat Pledge

Okay friends. I am posting this as a way to stay accountable.
I pledge to lose this excess weight that I put on during my relationship with AK.
That phase of my life is over, so it is TIME to get back to who I am...and that is someone
that cares about her body and health and enjoys working out and looking good!!

SO, by my birthday in April, I pledge 15lbs will be shed.
That is conservative in my opinion because if I actually TRY, I lose weight easily.
I will need to eat WELL and Exercise on a regular basis to accomplish this.

I also have decided as incentive, to post a before and after once I get to my goal weight.
I also am hoping to run a half marathon in the spring. I have done so before and I am really looking forward to it!!

Anyone else on a serious weight loss journey??

Lost

How do I find myself again in the midst of Full time school, work, a company and getting this house up to living standards?? I guess I wait until the house is done?? I have zero time to do anything else...let alone workout and keep a social life...
Hmmmmm.
Lesson learned about not taking the time you have for granted when you have it!!!

Boring Central

I am boring myself stiff! All I do is school until 12...company business then bartend at 4 or work on the house...sometimes I eat and shower inbetween. Lord that is boring.
I need a couple of nights off...
This weekend is a power weekend though...getting as much done as possible on the house with my parents and a painter is coming over tomorrow (thank you God)!!

What are you guys doing this weekend??

Feel like a song?? I am feelin' this one today...

Paint

How freaking hard could it be to mix a can of paint?? I need one more can for the second coat to my spare bedroom... I have been to Lowe's twice now and STILL do not have the right color. I even took in the empty (correct color) can last time...they have those damn computers that match the color for you...wth???
Needless to say, I have to go back tomorrow yet again...JUST what I want to do...
It is hard to tell when you are at the store looking at a tiny dot they put on the top of the can...next time I am making them open up the thing in front of me...
Then pouring it on their head if they get it wrong!!

House headaches

I have school full time, I have a company...(that I am supposed to be running), I bartend two nights a week and now I have this freaking house...
UGH.

I am so super depressed the last two days. I just cannot seem to get anything in a comfortable place...schoolwork is so time consuming...I am so behind...
The company is a joke...I have five buildings I need to get clean tonight and I fired the girl in charge of them...that means I need to clean five buildings by daybreak...myself...UGH.
A contractor just left my new house and it is more a wreck (in some ways) than when he arrived...he tore down and repaired a portion of the living room ceiling and the rest of the room is COVERED in dust now...I cleared out the spare room so he could put on the second coat of paint while here...so now MY bedroom is not livable...I cannot GET to my bed...only to hear him say that he cannot come back until Wed or Thurs. to paint the spare room.
UGH.

Homeownership is SOOOOO not fun right now.

It's good to be home...

Here I am again, so I must be getting something I need from doing this. A lot has changed...not nearly enough though. Sometimes I feel like the only one that is going nowhere...everyone else seems to pick themselves up and life takes them on new routes. I am DOING...I am TRYING, but honestly I am still sad and not nearly where I thought I would be by now. I feel like my life is just passing me by and I am helpless to make it what I want. I try and work harder than anyone I know...at being a good person...be it a friend, family member, coworker, lover, whatever...I really feel like I fail on most accounts.

Enough wallowing...
I went back to college to finish my degree. It has been challenging because i have to balance so much...but I will fill you in on some good stuff regarding that as well.

I bought my first house...lots to tell there!! Never thought I would do that alone...never thought I would just be doing so at 32 though!!

Guess I will cruise around to see if I am still welcome around here...I have missed you and am anxious to catch up. I haven't been able to get into my old Blogger email address though...forgot the password and account I used to set it up, sooooo, I will set up a new one.

It's good to be home...

Stand strong against adversity

That is number four from a book that I like a great deal. It lists seven things to help you "live your best life now". I typed them out and printed them fairly largely and they are hanging in my home office. I read them on a regular basis.

Right now I am focusing on number 4. I am trying to stand strong.

When does life get easy?? When do I just find some peace??
I guess when I make the choices that lead me to that.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve a husband...kids, a house...a life WITH someone
that enjoys life with me...ME, just the way I am. I am going to get it guys. I am.
I had to give up the dream of my life with AK.
I am my own destiny and I have to make choices that will help me achieve what I want.

In the meantime, I am once again injured. I am healing and every day I am trying to stand strong. That is why I may or may not blog a whole lot right now. I want to make sure I am not wallowing in my own self pity.

I can do this right guys?? ALL of you have come through some major setbacks.
I can too right?? Please help me because I have this void in me right now.
I waffle between total void and on the verge of tears.
I am banking on time helping me out as well.
All of this will get easier with time...right????

The bitter taste of losing everything that I held so dear.

The long awaited answer to a long and painful fight.
Truth be told I've tried my best, but somewhere along the way I got caught up in all there was to offer and the cost was so much more than I could bare.
Though I've tried... I've fallen.
I have sunk so low.
I messed up.
Better I should know...
so don't you come round here and tell me I told you so.

Fallen

101 ways to say goodbye.

This is my 101st post!! How fitting.
I have so much to say, but will keep it short and sweet.

THANK YOU...for everything.
MISS YOU...already.
YOU ARE SIMPLY THE BEST.

Remember (*as I will try too):
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

The waste is over.

It's high time!

Hey guys!
I have been just existing for a few years now really. I have not accomplished much of anything. I made a promise to myself at the beginning of the year that this would be the YEAR of accomplishment. I have not accomplished much of anything this year and we are nearing the end of Feb.
April 11th I turn 32!! I made a promise that I would lose the excess weight that damn comfort food gave me, as well as to sit for my real estate exams by then. I also own a business that really is on auto pilot. It could be so much more if I would actually TRY!!
At the risk of sounding arrogant, I have SO MUCH potential. Each day that goes by is yet another that I WASTE doing this and that, but not much of anything really.

I have made the decision to DO...there is no TRYING, there is only DO or DON'T DO...and I am tired of being mediocre. I used all the typical excuses...I am too tired, too unattractive, when I am thinner, if I had more money, tomorrow...ETC. ETC.
Those are gone.
I am making an action plan and am sticking to it.
Wake up 4:45 a.m.
Gym 5:00-7:00
Shower/Eat 7:30-8:30
Study and Work 9-5

From there I have relationships to work on...family, friends, Love interests, networking for business and pleasure. I have a lot of other things that I have the desire to explore. Hobbies, philanthropies, places. etc.

I could go on and on. The point is I am tired of stagnating. It is time to GET IT DONE.
I want to be a great beautiful wife to some wonderful man, not a depressed, out of shape, broke single chic. I want children...at 32 it is time to stop waiting for others...it is time to CREATE my own life.

THANK YOU for the experience this venue has created. Some day I wish to meet most if not each and every one of you. I can say with honesty that I love you guys. I feel like you know me and vice versa...better than most of my friends that are local. As amazing as you all are, I spend too much time reading and commenting and posting on this computer. I need to focus on ME for awhile. I will be taking this down shortly. I would like to start with a clean slate. I want to truly release all of the drama that has been holding me down.
I can still be reached via email...actually maybe now I will have time to respond!! I will be thinking of each of you and have suspicions that I will check into your blogs as I will want to know how you are!

I have one final request...Please re-visit my post called The Secret. It is changing my life...I hope it does the same for you. Oprah just did a show on it, so it will be sure to be mainstream now...I know you will understand when you watch it.

*Hugs*